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Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Today was a really nice day. However, I felt kind of sad for most of it. I was thinking about how the heart never fully heals. Losing someone you love to death is the worst. The grief doesn't go away, it just sort of scabs over and leaves a scar. And you wear that scar forever. I think the same is true when you end a long term relationship. When you lose a person in this way you're left with so many memories --- good and bad. And, while you may not love that person the way you need to love a person with whom you will share your life as partners, you do always love them. A part of them is left inside you. Just like the loss of a loved one to death --- the grief for the loss of that lover stays with you, but the pain does subside. And, what remains behind are feelings and memories that you cherish, but hate to think of as the pain returns when you do. Those places in you that your lover created remain empty. And while you know you will find love again, you are afraid. Opening up and allowing a person into those secret places puts you in such a vulnerable position. And you find yourself worrying if you could risk having any more empty spaces which no one will ever be able to fill quite like the lover you left behind.

And, then of course, you see, hear or do something that you want to run home and tell your lover all about. And, in just a fraction of an instant you realize that this is no longer a real option. The connection that was once there is gone. And as the months turn to years --- the connection will grow weaker.

I guess Neil Sedaka knew of what he sang when he crooned that breaking up is hard to do. I am not making light of it. I really do think that ending a relationship just might be one of the harder things in life. ...Just like starting over with nothing to build something. You do it because you have no choice.

...you just keep moving and avoid looking back too often.

Anyway, believe it or not -- it was a good day and I've got some very real job prospects coming up and there is a man for whom I am developing very real feelings. ...but very different ones than what I had become used to -- and that is a bit scary and bittersweet.

Monday, May 30, 2005


As I was feeling a bit weary this past week, I have to admit that I was dreading the long weekend just a bit. However, I had an amazing weekend! Had a great time hangin' with my pal (and guardian angel!) Milford --- we watched Albert Brooks and Debbie Reynolds in MOTHER. ...If you've ever had to walk a parent thru how to use a piece of modern technology --- I promise you will get more than a few laughs from this movie! And, spent one day on my own just roaming about the city and not thinking of my money woes, lack of job or other issues of angst. No, instead I just walked about admiring this city and took in a film from Budapest called KONTROLL which was awesome -- a bit scary (subplot invovling a hooded figure pushing people on to the subway tracks! ...something I fear will happen to me anyway! LOL!) But way cool movie!

Then I spent Sunday with Ming. That is "the guy's" name. We had a great day of hanging out --- and, I shall leave it at that as not to jinx anything!

Today -- Milford, Bill and I took in a Ballywood movie, PECK ON THE CHEEK, at the Balboa Cinema. I didn't care for this film, but I think Milford and Bill enjoyed it. The cool thing was that as the weather has been so perfect -- we decided to drive to the ocean. We explored caves and ruins of an old park/bath that had been built right on the ocean in the 19th Century. And we walked up to the peak of an amazing cliff over the ocean! I didn't have my camera or I could have gotten some great pix. Then Milford treated us to appetizers and drinks at this cool place called CLIFFS. I felt so Californian sipping my Diet Coke looking the sun reflecting off the water. Gorgeous.

Then I got Milford to help me find a bus stop I need to use that I've not been able to locate for the life of me. Of course, it took him 3 minutes! LOL!

Now, I am sitting on the living room floor feeling relaxed after a nice hot shower. Think I might turn in early tonight to get a jump on tomorrow. An HR Director emailed me on Saturday asking me to check out their company's website. She had found my resume on Monster and wants me to apply for a position working with their VP of Marketing. Based upon my resume, she thinks I would be a good fit if I am interested. I totally am -- so I completed the online application, formally submitted my resume and sent an email back to the HR Director. My fingers are crossed so hard they hurt!

So, this has been a great weekend on all counts --- I just miss Alan, but he returns on Thursday! Yay!!!!


Friday, May 27, 2005


This afternoon as I rode the M train toward home, we stopped infront of the San Francisco University. And, there they were --- lovely, happy and full of hope; The Class of 2005! They all looked so radiant and excited as they posed for pictures with friends (with whom they will probably lose touch within the next 3 months), siblings, grandparents and parents. Everyone looked so happy and proud. I noticed that a number of us on the train were smiling at the energy we saw on display. Not that I wanted to rain on their parade and achievement, but I sort of wanted to call out, "Congratulations! Now, gather all of your strength for the existensial let downs you are all about to experience and get ready for full-head-on adult life! If you can, run back into that school and sign up for a PHD program and just avoid it all for another 4 or 5 years!" ...but I didn't.

Jaded much?

So, as I knew I would hear from no prospective employers today due to the pending long weekend --- I went ahead and tried to find my way to the Clay Cinema on Filmore Street. Guess what! I came close to getting there all on my own. However, after about 15 minutes of not quite knowing where I was I jumped in a cab and asked the driver if I was even remotely in the right vicinity! And, guess what! I was! Those of you who know me well are bound to be impressed. I was actually 4 city blocks away. The cabbie was so very nice and drove me there at no charge. Only in San Francisco! Another funny thing was that he asked me if I was from Bosotn. Confused, I confirmed that I had just moved to SF from Bos last month and then asked him how he knew. He then paid me a very nice compliment and said that it was in the way I carried myself -- "dignified, but friendly and self-assured" ---- he then added that this is how nearly all Bostonians are. ? I then explained to him that while I felt more like a Bostonian as I had lived there for close to 15 years, I was actually from Beaumont, Texas. This really interested him because he said I exhibited so signs of southern/Texan karma. When I asked what that was -- he told me that he found most people from the South or Texas ( I loved the way he attempted a distinction between the south and Texas! LOL!) seem to put forward an "attitude filled with fakeness and come off as somewhat dim" LOL! ...I told him that this opinion would probably get him shot in Texas. He told me that he would never share that opinion with someone unless he was "confident" that they were cool. Anyway, I enjoyed this exchange.

And, then I bought my ticket to see Gregg Araki's adaptation of Scott Heim's unforgettable novel, MYSTERIOUS SKIN. Now, don't get me wrong --- I am a fan of Araki's work, but I've always felt just a bit let down as his first two films were so very promising --- and then he became obsessed with presenting perverse little movies which either made fun of bad teen sitcoms or Doris Day movies. He called this his teen trilogy. I called it an odd choice for a director/writer with such talent. I was particularly worried about what he might do with Heim's novel. As a survivor of child abuse, Heim's novel really touched and horrified me on many levels. It remains one of the more powerful novels I've ever read. Well, I am happy to report that Araki not only did a great job --- he actually IMPROVED Heim's novel!!! Joseph Gordon-Levitt, best known as the long haired kid from THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN, gives an astounding and brave performance that makes the viewer forget he is watching a movie. I will even go so far as to say that Gordon-Levitt gives a performance that rivals DeNiro's work in RAGING BULL ---- and I don't state such things easily. Amazing work! Now, he just needs to eat a sandwich because he is far too thin! Anyway, I hope that the NC-17 rating doesn't prevent the film from getting a full release. It is an important film, but I guess I understand the rating ---and, usually I do not agree with the whole NC-17 thing, but this is a fairly hardcore movie.
Go see it!

Speaking of hardcore -- does anyone out there know what has become of the film that one of my many cinematic idols, Asia Argento, made from an adaptation of one of JT LeRoy's stories? LeRoy worked closely with her on the film and I've been dying to see it for well over a year! What has happened to it? SCARLET DIVA was one of the most interesting and self-confessional films I've ever seen by a first time film director. I love Asia --- and JT LeRoy's writing is magical.

I forgot to eat lunch today, but that is probably a good thing as I need to train myself to eat less. Save money and lose weight! Can't go wrong! Oh, money. I don't even need much. Just a freckin job!


Thursday, May 26, 2005


Well, Alan left for a visit with his parents. And, I am now left all alone in this big house. Am not used to being alone in such a big space with different levels. But, I will survive! I've got a busy weekend planned -- well, as busy as one can get when you're on the verge of no money. LOL!

Tonight I am meeting up with Ming in Berkely to hang out and eat on the very cheap. Milford is coming over here tomorrow evening and we're going to watch a DVD of his choosing. Saturday Ming is coming into San Francisco and we're hanging out. Something is planned for Sunday -- tho, I didn't write it down so I hope I remember what I am doing! And, Monday I am joining my pals, Bill and Milford, for a screening of a Ballywood film called KISS ON THE CHEEK at the Balboa Cinema --- which I've never visited so that will be cool! Then, if the weather is great -- we plan to walk to the beach, talk and watch the waves and any eye candy that might be roaming about.

I've cleaned the house this morning, am doing laundry and will be leaving to sell a bit of my soul, uh, I mean my CD's for pocket money. I found a few more job postings for which I feel I would be a good fit and sent a cover letter with resume to those! After I sell the CD's --- I plan to sit down at a cafe with a cup of tea and finish up my bankruptcy papers. So much fun! However, I've got an evening with Ming to look forward toward --- so that will be nice!

You know, I love a good challenge and am always up for some adventure --- but I think I've had enough for a while. Just give me a job, some benefits and get this bankruptcy horror behind me and I will be one happy camper!!!

Speaking of being fed up, has anyone heard the new song by that wonderous French temptress, Mylene Farmer? I think I might have written of her before. She is awesome and has managed to work with some of the world's most interesting film makers to create her vid clips for her music. She seems to sort of be a cross between Madonna and Kate Bush only she is totally and completly French. Which makes her totally cool in my book! Anyway, I like her music. It sounds very pop, but with a decided edge. Anyway, she has a new song and video (which I am trying to find on the internet to download as I've read it is quite interesting and full of scandal!) --- and the song is awesome. Not sure of the actual lyrics, but she is most definitely pissed off about something and the chorus is quite catchy. The name of the song is "FUCK THEM ALL" --- which pretty much gives you an idea of the song's energy. LOL! It rocks --- I urge you to check it out. The MP3 is out there and can be downloaded for nothing! Would love to hear some of the remixes. I believe Groove Armada and Mirwais have done remixes for her! Coolness abounds from Paris!

Hope you all have a great long weekend! Am not sure if I will be making any posts between now and Monday, but ya never know!


Tuesday, May 24, 2005


As always, prior to the beginning of my acupuncture appointment, Byron likes for me to discuss how the previous week had been for me. Obviously, this helps him in identifying the areas that need focus with the needles. We talked about all of the stress, the nice thing starting to happen for me on the romantic front and how life has little or no regard for the inconvenient timing of things. Then he had me lay down, took a look at the inside of my mouth, took my pulse in my wrists and feet --- and then proceeded to stick the needles into my key points. This afternoon he placed needles in the normal spots excepting he stuck 3 needles into the top of my head. OK, can I just say -- "Ouch!" ...however, as always, once the initial pain ended -- I swear --- I began to just chill out and relax. With the pretty World music playing, my eyes shut and the needles doing whatever it is they do --- my mind began to wander and I fell into a sort of sleep. I had the most intense dreams. Not really nightmares, but not all that happy either. Yet at the end of the hour session as the needles were removed I did feel much more relaxed and easy.

I stopped by Walgreens and picked up a few required items and headed home. The "M" train was filled to capactiy when I got on at the Church Street Station. There were two pretty girls standing at the front of the train and one of them was screaming everything she had to say to her friend. At first, I thought they were trying to annoy and get attention, but I started to note that her friend was looking a bit embarassed. Once the train rolled into the first above ground stop the friend literally ran out of the train to escape the loud girl. People in San Francisco can be so much more polite than people in the north east. I kept having to bit my tounge from asking her to shut up -- and, I could tell that everyone on the train wanted to, but none of us did.

She immediately began to use her cell phone. This poor girl was clueless to the fact that she screams everything she says. She wasn't trying to be as obnoxious as she was. It was actually kind of funny. However, after another 5 mninutes I could not wait to escape her method of communication. As the train started to empty most folks in the car moved down to the other one so that it was soon just me, an old man, a tiny little lady with a book and the loudest girl in the world screaming cooking instructions for cookies to another friend. The poor girl couldn't keep anyone on the phone with her. So she must have called 8 people within the span of 10 minutes. Finally, the train was approaching my stop. I pulled the "stop" wire thing and was so relieved to get off the train.

...and, then it hit me. That nasal scream was directly behind me! Yes, the loudest girl in the world lives around the corner. She and I walked a block together as she screamed into her cell phone --- telling this latest "victim" that she really needed to talk to someone and that they were not allowed to hang up on her. Poor son-of-a-bitch.

I turned the corner on to my street and I could hear her even as I made my way up Alan's steps. ...she had to be a block away.
Seriously, this was the loudest girl in the world and I felt the need for more needles as soon as I got in the house!


Well, I feel as if I've applied to every possible employer in the San Francisco area. I've even applied to peddlers of porn. I have no shame. Just give me a paycheck and benefits. LOL!

Actually, I think I should apply to Borders to see if I can secure some evening work there.

I am determined to stay positive and focused, but you know --- this is scary and what money I have seems to be flying out and nothing is coming in!

On a very positive note --- I have met a great guy. We hung out for the second time last night and it was so nice. I do not want to jinx things so I will write no more. However, I have to say it is nice to have such a strong ray of hope shine thru at a time when I find it quite challenging to hold on to hope and positive thoughts!

Now, kids, don't worry! I am not throwing in the towel or anything --- and I do know it will all work out. Right now, the challenge seems to be getting past next week and all the vacations as no one seems to be available to interview at the moment. However, sometimes I just need to whine a bit. This is a blog --- so levels of self-indulgence are perfectly acceptable!

And, now I am off to the acupunture treatment which I really should not be spending the money on, but I think it is really helping me so I am sticking with it. Then, check for my mail and hope that there might be something there other than bills. And, then on to the grocery store for microwave dinners and Diet Coke!!!

Alan is seeing Erasure tonight! I am all excited for him!

Sunday, May 22, 2005


Well, kids, I had a great weekend!

Things got off to a fun start hanging out with Alan on Friday night. We had a simple and healthy meal at Mel's Dinner. Alan forced me to eat a huge piece of fudge cake with ice cream. He was going to make me walk home if I didn't consume the entrie thing! And, at long last, we saw the divine Isabelle Huppert further debase herself in a new transgressive film which juourneys into the fun world of crass tourism, incest, sodomy and suicide! Much fun!

While I can safely say that Ms. Huppert does deliver another amazing performance as MA MERE, I also must confess that the movie is just not good. Tho, somewhat interesting in presentation of a perverse spin of the whole mother/son/family dynamic --- it wasn't much fun to watch. And, I am sorry, but despite all efforts by cast and director --- it was more comical than shocking. I am not sure if this film will ever open in the US, but I don't want to provide any spoilers for any of you who love French film, Huppert and plan to see it -- but the director's choice to use "Happy Together" by the Turtles as the accompanying soundtrack of the confused son masturbating over the dead body of his mother was a poor choice on so many levels. Tho, it did provide some laughs for me and Alan.

Then on Saturday the weather was so gorgeous we had no choice but to walk to Daly City and slip into a megaplex and see the new Jett Li film, UNLEASHED. Cool premise, wimpy screenplay that tried too hard to be warm and fuzzy. Still, there were some way cool fight sequences and Bob Hoskins kicks major ass. Still, you could tell that Luc Besson was trying to bring back that edge which worked so well in LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL. He did not succeed.

Then, that evening, my pal, Milford, treated me to a delicious meal at a really cool restuarant on Market Street (I owe Milfored about a zillion nice meals!) and a fun evening of just hanging out and watching the fireworks of the Kaboom festival from the lush office view Milford enjoys on a daily basis! We had a perfect view of the Bay Bridge and the fireworks. I am not one for fireworks -- the noises scare me. ...stop making fun of me. Anyway, I was impressed. I had never seen fireworks programed to form smile faces, cubes and stars! Quite honestly, I did not know that was even possible. By far this was the most impressive show of explosives I've yet to see! And, then, we just chatted about everything from life to annuities. It was a nice Saturday evening.

But, today, magic really entered the picture. Once again -- a perfect day filled with sunshine and fresh air. idealy suited to spending the afternoon in a dark, historic cinema.

Alan and I went into the Castro in preparation for the thing I've been waiting so long for!!! Anyway, we had a lovely "brunch" at The Cove, then met Bill --- and, yes, we saw a newly restored 35mm print of Barbra and Redford in THE WAY WE WERE! I had never seen this film on the big screen. It was an amazing 2 hours filled with gorgeous music, romance, a really hot bare-chested Robert Redford and the most perfect finger nails to ever grace the screen! I was in a state of pure rapture. Bill enjoyed the movie and we had both commented on how good both Redford and Streisand were in the movie. However, I fear it was a bit of torture for Alan. Tho, as the great friend he is, he sat by me with a great deal of patience and only hid his eyes a couple of times. Anyway, there is no way to beat the bittersweet ending of two lovers who should be together, but just can't! ...and then the long fingers and nails brush the sandy blonde hair from his forehead, the music bubbles up and, yes, if we had the chance we would do it all again -- whenever we remember --- the way we were! Sigh.

It is funny, one forgets that movie is like 33 years old now --- Babs and Bob were so young, slim and talented. The glimpses of two actors developing their craft was still present. No signs of worries over camera angles or quests for perfection --- just pure movie star chemistry. Cool pour moi.

After Bill and I was able to get Alan's pulse to come back, we head back into the beautiful sunlight! Bill convinced me that I needed to volunteer with him to work the upcoming GLAAD Event to be held here in SF --- and to possibly volunteer at the Castro Debbie Reynolds event. Who knows maybe I will get to act stupid infront of the likes of Liza and Debbie! I am joining him at the GLBT Center for a GLAAD Events Volunteer meeting on Wednesday. I am such a klutz. Let's hope they end up sitting me in a "safe place" folding scraps of paper vs. pouring wine or seating the mayor's friends or anything! Seems like that is the sort of thing that Bill usually does. Last year he got to pour wine for Jane Russell --- who, per Bill, is now about 3 feet tall.

Then, when we got a home --- I had a phone message waiting for me from a really sweet and handsome man! Yay! We had a great conversation and am going to meet up with him tomorrow night in Berkely for some cheap eats and spend some more time together. Cool!

Then, Alan took me to the mythic place of which I had only heard reports --- IN/OUT BURGERS! It was so cheap and good!!!! And, the sneaky bastards have a Krispey Kreme Super Store next door! Well, once again, Alan forced me to go into Krispey Kreme. I gave in and ordered a half dozen gems of joy. And, as I reached for my wallet, the cashier said, "No, free do-nuts for you!" ....People! Free Krispey Kreme Do-Nuts fresh off the hot press thing! I feel this was all a sign!

Tho, I still feel a bit ill and bloated from the consumption of the burger, fries, do-nuts and gallon of Diet Coke --- it was such a great weekend --- I have hopes that it is a sign that a job is going to happen for me this week!!!! Fingers crossed!

Oh, and I've finally posted a bunch of pix I've taken since having arrived in San Francisco -- some from the miracle of today! If interested -- just scroll down my links to the the final link to my on-line photos. When you go in -- take a look at the pictures in the album entitled "San Francisco, This is Your Last Chance!"

Hope everyone enjoyed their weekends!

Friday, May 20, 2005


What is going on in the world? Danny "Trainspotting" Boyle has gone and made a "cute" movie about a child who communes with Catholic Saints. I mean this is the man who introduced Heroin Chic and Ewen McGregor's exposed cock to the world --- and now he is making Disney-like movies that must be making the new Pope dance for joy.

And, I guess it should not shock me --- but our President is vowing to veto any bill that would assist in the highly valuable results of stem cell research, continues to allow our soldiers to be shipped back in rubber bags and presses forward in a "war" that is simply not "winable" ...but, fear not, he took a grande media op to pray that " America uses the gift of freedom to build a culture of life".

...Please. This man cares about as much about the culture of life as shark cares about his prey before the attack. We know our President is fairly "book stupid" but one would suspect there might be a glimmer of intelligence that would see the contradictions in his own actions vs. rhetoric. We have either managed to re-elect the dumbest asshole on the planet as our President or there is a tiny brand of "666" hidden beneath that big southern hair. I am just not sure which. I saw both "BEING THERE" and "THE OMEN" ---- both seem like they could fit. UGH!

Is the majority of the United States really so without intelligence that they think this is a good and morale president?!!??! Nevermind. I think I know the answer to that question.

And, please! Come back to the Five & Dime, Danny Boyle, Danny Boyle!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


I was chatting with a pal over tea this evening and he made a comment to me in a way that few have over the course of the past several weeks. He observed that it seemed to him that I had made my life so much more difficult by deciding to stay in San Francisco and starting over when I already had a "great" job, a home and a "life" in Boston.

I think this is something that has puzzled a number of friends, but no one has ever just come out and phrased it so directly.

I have to admit that it did give me pause for a few minutes, but it really wasn't hard to articulate why I chose to take this path -- which, indeed, is filled with stress and challenges that must be met. However, I do not think I had much choice.

When Karl and I formally ended our relationship, it was sort of like the floor falling out from beneath me. Like in one of those old amusement park rides. You know the little fall is about to come, but when it does you're never quite ready for the feeling. Karl and I had really ended our relationship long before we "formally" ended it. Who knows why it all fell apart, but it did. And, then, not too far after --- a doctor had put me on way too much medication that was having a dangerous and adverse impact which led me to being put on disability. My job was fairly crucial to the day-to-day operations of the office I managed. So, they had to replace my position. Granted, they didn't wait very long. In fact it was once again a bit like having the floor drop beneath me. Normally, an employer will wait at least 90 days prior to replacing you. I had only been out for 3 weeks --- however, the office was in a major state of change with new and daily challenges. It was a major impact to the daily business. And, it is a business. So, while my feelsing were hurt and I felt that I had been a bit short-changed --- I had to take a professional view. I was assured, in a surprisingly distant way, that I would have a position of equal/same value upon my return.

Then the "Catch 22" came my way. My employer challenged my disability from the national level --- the information my doctors were providing was not satisfying my firm's insurance company's view so to continue approval of my disabilty. So, I decided to go against the advice of my doctors and return to work. Then the legal folks at my employer informed me that I could not return to work until my doctors released me to return in written form. My doctors refused. When I went to find a new doctor who would clear me to return I had no luck because my benefits had been frozen until I returned or the doctors provided the documentation that would satisfy the disability insurance company. In short, I was stuck. And I needed an income. While it was quite frustrating to discover that my doctor's word was good enough for me to return to work, but not good enough to keep me out --- I began to take it all as a sign that it was time to move on. The doctors felt that the stress of the job was putting me at a long term health risk. And, to be quite honest, I had been somewhat uncomfortable with my former firm's recent shift in policies/procedures. I had started to feel as if I had no way of being an effective advocate for my staff. I could never decide if this was due to too many challenges coming my way or perhaps I had been in the same position too long and had lost my creative outlook on resolving issues and making the system work for all of us. I decided it was time for a change.

And, there had been so much "bad luck" for me in Boston over the course of the past couple of years. I can think of no better way to phrase it. I felt as if I were stuck in a rut that I just didn't no how to escape and I was finding it more and more challenging to come up with the drive I had always had toward my life -- both professional and personal.

So, when I came out to San Francisco to hang with one of my two best friends --- I came to the conclusion that I should stay here. True, the challenges were going to be great as I was not prepared financially to relocate properly and it is never easy to find a job when you don't have one ---- and I would need to branch out and make new friends. However all of these things are acting as the drivers I needed to get off my ass and get my life back on track! There is no rut for me in California --- it is all new territory filled with hope --- and great weather! So, while I am dealing thru some scary stuff --- and, maybe it would be better to skip out on an adventure like this at 38 --- I do not really think I had any other choice.

And, I have a sense that I am on my way to a level of happiness I've not known in years. Do I miss Boston? No. Do I miss my friends and co-workers? YES!!! But, with email and planes ---- I will not lose contact with all of them! Or them with me.

Perhaps this is the more difficult road, but it is the right one for me at this point in my life. It was never my goal to make my life more difficult --- it is my goal to make my life better. And damn the torpedos, I will!!!!!

I just need to keep the faith! ...and believe in myself.


So, being somewhat new to the whole cell phone world without a land line I was not sure what I should do in terms of a minutes plan. T-Mobile suggested that I go with 1,000 minutes plus free evenings/weekends. Sounded good to me as I could not imagine being on the phone for more than 1,000 minutes a month anyway. I don't really like chatting on the phone. And, for the first 2 months this plan worked fine.

However, upon my arrival in San Francisco I think I am now seeing a "real time" glimpse of my phone use.

Well, once again, I screwed myself. My bill came in on Monday. The bill for one month came to $595.00. Now, normally this would send me into a fit of anger and panic. However, given all of the many challenges I've been facing as of late my only reaction was to laugh. I mean, really -- what else can I do?

I called T-Mobile up and they helped me find a plan that will "better" fit my needs! In fact, the one to which I upgraded would have allowed me an additional 800 minutes for this past bill if I had been on it. The operator was very friendly and asked me if paying the bill was going to be a problem. I told her it would, but I would figure it out and get back to them. OY!

Alan asked me what I was going to do. I told him I was now applying the Scarlett O'Hara approach and would simply worry about it "tomorrow" ...or within 31 days when I have to do something to prevent the loss of my cell phone service.

I've now applied to 250 positions in San Francisco, met with 4 headhunter agencies and several temp agencies. I can't find a temp agency that wants to use me because they feel my resume and experience level would "intimidate" their clients to whom I would be reporting for the temp assignment. However, the head hunters are much more positive. So -- I continue to plug away!

Suddenly my little Hello Kitty cell phone wall paper seems to look a bit sinister to me! LOL!


Just when I thought I had seen, heard and witnessed it all ---- last night, as I took a break from my endless job search, I took a look at the "adult" personals. Amid all the normal ones looking for things to be pulled, shaken, plunged and blown there was a one of the likes I had never seen. Somewhere here in the lovely city of San Francisco sits a 30 something gay male looking to hook up with a gay white male who wears glasses and is "geeky" ---- and, when he mets this man, he wants to assemble furniture purchased from Target. The ad stressed that the modual furniture must require assembly and has to come from Target -- preferably from the Mizrahi Collection. He then posted pictures of his favorite types of Target furniture which he wants to assemble with "the right guy" ---- part of me wanted to think this was all a joke. ...but, I don't think it was. I think the guy gets off on assisting geeky guys assemble Target furniture.

OK, kids, I really need to land a job. I know I've only been out here a short while -- but I want/need a job with benefits. Had a good interview today, but if I hear one more HR person tell me that they are concerned I would be "bored" or "not challenged" or that I am "over qualified" --- I am going to implode!!!!

Also, San Francisco is experiencing really odd weather --- it is raining. I hope this is not some sort of omen as rainy season ended last month. Oy!

Monday, May 16, 2005


So, I think I've mentioned that I've been making my way thru the Tori Amos/Ann Powers book, PIECE BY PIECE. It is taking me a while to finish it because it not your standard autobiography. It is really more of a project in which the two women examine Tori Amos' artistic processes and articulate her personal viewpoints on every little thing. In some ways it is more revealing than anything one could capture in a standard bio, but in other ways it is like being stuck in one of those convoluted ART FORUM articles that make sense only to a few artists and art scholars.

Having been raised a minister's daughter with a mother of mostly pure Native American blood -- she has developed a rather interesting spiritual view which is reflected throughout her work. However, as much of her lyrics are so cryptic you might not always quite catch it. Anyway, one of my favorite Tori Amos songs is "MARY" ---- and, she recently re-recorded it for her greatest hits compilation. I've always caught what I took for Catholic symbolism in the song, but never really understood what it all meant. Fairly far into the book, I was listening to the song as I made the rounds today and it suddenly hit me: the song isn't Catholic at all --- it is simply somewhat biblical in reference to Mary Magdalene who Amos seems to view as a sort of saint to erotic love. Suddenly, the song makes sense. While Amos recognizes the beauty of Christian dogma when it comes to the Virgin Mary --- she seems to hold a higher esteem for the other Mary, who Amos seems to view as the wife of Christ.

Interesting viewpoint --- and the imagery in the song now works for me. In Amos' spiritual view, Magdalene is the saint of sex. Sex as salvation to a point, maybe. Or maybe I am reading too much into it. Tho, I've not read it --- and have no plans to do so ---- I think that "faction" book with "Code" in the title might hit on the hidden concepts of the Christian bible.

I do not identify as Christian. Although, I do agree with some of the basics of the Christ's teachings. I just find it interesting that most Christians do not seem to abide by them. Anyway, now I've forgotten the point of this post. Hmmmm...

Anyway, I think it would be really cool if Tori Amos recorded a cover of the Rice/Webber B'way hit, "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM" --- Mary Magdalene's lament to God after she has washed the feet of Christ and is kind of wanting to get poked by him. Yeah, I think Amos might give us a very different read on this song than Yvonne Ellmann or Helen Reddy did back in the 1970's.

Still, wish I remember why I was writing about this.

"...they see you cry
they lick their lips
well, butterflies don't belong in nets
can you hear me?
you're bleeding
don't be afraid
we're just waking up
and i hear that help is on the way


Match.com sent me an email listing out my ideal love matches for the week. Interestingly enough, the folks at match.com feel that I am the best possible match for myself this week! Sadly, according to the match.com scientists --- there is only an 87% chance that I am actually going to be able to make myself happy as a mate. However, I was thinking --- with a bit of focus and compromise, I bet I could build a very rewarding and romantic life with myself. Tho, no matter how I feel, I have to insist that I give myself the freedom to be me. If I think I am going to be clingly or possessive, I have another thing coming. I will not put up with that co-dependent crap. Affection is great and I love spending time with me, but I don't need to spend every waking minute with myself. I mean, that just isn't healthy!

...maybe that is why match.com has determined that I am only an 87% chance of success in relationship with myself. Hmmmm.

Dating is hard enough --- and, now I am expected to date myself?!?!? Oy! The pressure!!!

Saturday, May 14, 2005


My big interview turned out to be a total bust, but --- once again, pathetic adventure is never too far from my person. So, the interview was in Alameda which is a nice little city outside of San Francisco, but not really very easy to get to without a care. Not impossible, but not easy.

As I've no sense of direction and get lost in shopping malls I decided it best to leave REALLY early to ensure I would not be late or in a state of sweatiness for rushing. My interview lunch was scheduled for Noon. So, I left the house at 7:30am. How is that for early?

Anway, I had to take the BART (like a commuter rail) to West Oakland Station. Not a particularly nice area. Now, I really do not normally worry about this stuff but I had to catch the North bound #19 Bus ---- on the less desirable side of the station. By less desirable side I mean to say --- the Ghetto from Hell side of life. I am already the whitest person on the planet, but Friday morning at 8am I was "Whitey In A Suit" on display for all to stare and make fun of. On top of that I waited for a solid hour and no #19 bus showed up --- just #64 which continued to drop off even more questionable looking people off with every drive by.

The first bit of "hazing" came from one of those big cars that has the ability to raise up and down. ...thought that had gone out of style a couple of years ago. ? Anyway, as I had my iPod on I could not really hear what the angry young men were shouting at me. And, I think, I am relieved about that. Two surly teens kept watching and mocking me. I ignored them until the shorter of the two walked up:

"Hey, are you gay?"

"Why, are you interested?"

"No!" ...and then he sort of did one of those side ways walks back to his taller friend who then approached me.

"Why are you riding OUR bus?"

"I believe this is called public transit. It is not your bus. Now, go play with your friend and leave me alone"

...He walked away.

Shit --- I just knew I was about to get gay bashed. But the one thing is --- you NEVER show fear! EVER!

Then this nice lady who had been near the two teens said something to both of them and she walked over to me.

"Honey, what bus are you waiting for?"

"The #19"

"Oh, it hardly ever stops here anymore."


"You really should drive. That would be better."

"I don't have a car"

"Well, they won't bother you anymore" ...but she looked worried and walked back leaving me standing all alone. Me. The white man begging to be attacked.

I walked back into the station and asked after the #19 and the lady in the bullet proof booth just seemed annoyed and said it would show up sooner or later.

So, I walked back out and began to realize that this probably was not an acceptable route pour moi. Then another #64 rolled up letting out a stream of people that should have been placed in a line up for questioning! This one really big dude stepped on to the curb, and, I swear, I could smell stench all the way to where I was standing. I saw him lumbering toward me.




Holding up my cell phone and punching "911" with my thumb, "NO!"

Shit --- I about to get shot, hit or knifed. ...but, instead, he sort of walked away from me very quickly.

I walked back into the station and told the charmer in the bullet proof box what had just happened.

...long and overly done sigh, "Do you want to file a report? I will call for the police, but you're ok and it is a waste of time"

Thanks! So, I called my potential employer. Got his voice mail and politely declined the offer for lunch/interview due to the fact that even the #19 bus seemed afraid of this stop. I was bummed because I think I could have aced this job, but I think you need to be able to get to the office to do the work --- and, preferably without being accousted!

So, kids, the job hunt goes on! ...and, I continue to be more and more desperate!!!!

love and kisses,

Friday, May 13, 2005


This has been some week. As challenging as it has been for me --- I have to say it has made me realize how truly blessed I am to have so many friends who care about me. I feel lucky. ...just in an off-beat kind of way. I have always been a bit off-center so this only makes sense.

I could not wait to get to the acupuncturist today! I am really starting to find a great deal of benefit from it -- tho, some of it still seems kind of strange to me. I don't care --- it seems to be helping!

This afternoon the acupuncturist examined my tounge and touched my writs and feet --- then told me, "You're kidneys are completely drained of all energy" ...now, I've learned that when he says "kidney" he doesn't mean the body organ -- but it is some sort of touch point identified within Chinese medicine. Anyway, I explained my week and melt down to him. He sighed and told me that I needed to not be so hard on myself. Then he put needles in some new places. One was placed in the center of my chest and one each in the soft parts of the bottoms of my feet. The insertion of the needles killed -- but, oddly, after they were inserted --- they felt good and I had the most relaxing hour!

Acupuncture rules!

I've a big interview tomorrow afternoon. We are talking "full on suit!" meeting! As is my way, I hope for the best, but expect the worst. However, I do have a good feeling about this one. It involves public speaking and some management of a sales team. Sounds fun to me. However, it is outside of San Francisco --- not nuts about that. But, I don't want to jump off into the future --- will have to see how it goes.

...and do my best to keep my "kidneys" full of life energy!!!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


Am feeling very frustrated today. ...And, I thought about just keeping my worries bottled up as I normally would, but this is my blog and if I feel like venting ---- then vent I shall! Not quite sure, but I have the feeling that I might just be fucked. Did a quick check on my primary bank account. ...the one from which I am sustaining life blood at this time ---- only to discover that not only are funds low, they dipped into the negative. I am no longer even coasting on fumes. I am flat out of gas and waiting for someone to give me a lift on the highway of life!

Alan gave me a lift into the Castro this morning so that I was half way closer to downtown where I had some interviews. I got the fun news about my money (or lack of) while riding the train toward Powell Street. I reacted in a perfectly dignified way: I politely tugged at the "stop request" wire, thanked the driver as I stepped off the train on to a block of Market Street which can best be described as "Tired, Old, Hetro-Porn & Urban Blight Avenue of Broken Dreams" --- walked over to the side of some creepy dime store and threw up my breakfast --- organic oatmeal and green tea! I was very careful not to be messy as I was wearing a pressed dress shirt, slacks and carrying my proto-corporate brief case. I then stepped into the sad dime store and purchased a small bottle of water and a pack of gum for $4.00 that I do not really have. Then, as I tend to do as of late, I called my friend, George, --- got his voicemail and proceeded to have a panic attack/melt down into his voicemail. Got sick a bit more -- this time on a side street best called "Just Give Up & Die Street" ...and then I got back on an "F" train (fitting) and headed downtown for my first interview of the day.

I guess this interview went well if it is OK to be shakey, disoriented and flop sweating. The HR lady seemed nice enough, tho. So, I figure I probably have that job sewn up! My second and third interviews went a bit better --- in between I picked up a return voicemail from George --- and just his voice calmed me a bit. The second and third interviews were with a head-hunter and a temp placement agency. They seemed confident and I don't think they had any idea I had experienced a melt down in Porn Alley just an hour or so earlier.

Fast forward a couple of hours later and I am sitting alone in Sweet Inspiration on Market Street with a pot of green tea and a box from my employer filled with personal stuff from my desk. Once again, fitting. I called and cancelled my plans with a friend this Saturday because I really do not have the funds to go out. And sat there and pondered what I will or need to do. The temp agency will have work for me --- they think --- starting next week which would mean that I will have a bit of cash coming in a week from next Friday. UGH!!!! LOL!

I think, perhaps I am over-reacting a bit. It had just been such a tough year and it doesn't seem to be getting any less tough. Just new challenges that I don't quite know how to beat. But, then again, I guess this is life. At least, this is my life. I figure I must have done something bad in a previous life because I can say with honesty that I am a good person and have been a good person in this life. I doubt it was anything too bad as nothing so bad as life-threatening illnesses or the like have ever happened to me. Just a bad childhood and a challenging aduthood --- but I think this is true for the majority of the world's population. Still, it is all subjective is it not?

At any rate, there are millions of people in far worse shape than me. Somehow, tho --- be it selfish or not --- that isn't much comfort right now. I can't continue to just mooch off Alan. So, I had a long hard think at Sweet Inspiration and stared down my box of personal desk stuff --- over a decade's worth. Finally, I got up and headed toward Alan's --- and then realized that I had lost my cell phone.

Can it get worse? Sure it can! But this seemed like the end to me at that moment. Luckily I found it on the floor of the mail center! The owner and his other box renters hadn't noticed it yet. I took this as a possible good sign. At least, I hope so.

Oh, and a very sweet fellow blogger in the UK was kind enough to purchase a copy of the "new" and "shocking" Isabelle Huppert film, MA MERE DVD and sent it to me! She doesn't wish to be named, but I wanted to send her a big "thank you" as I have been dying to see this movie! And, it was no cheap shakes! Girlfriend spent the equal of 50 US dollars to get this for me. Someday, I will get her something nice. And, my friend Thomas celebrated a birthday and I am unable to send him anything but my love. And, my pal and former boyfriend, Bil (yes, with one "L") is graduating next week having earned his Masters in Human Resource Management! I hope to afford a card for him at some point in the near future.

At this moment there is only two things I am sure of --- 1. I do not know what I would do without all of my dear friends who do their best to watch out and protect me AND 2. No matter the cost --- I am seeing that new 35mm print of THE WAY WE WERE at the Castro on the 22nd. Hell will have to freeze over for me to miss that! I don't care! I am going, dammit!

Ah, well you know --- the haunting refrain from the greatest film of all time, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, comes to my mind. Flooding me with its haunting melody as Dionne croons in the way that only Dionne can ---- and I fall back into the softness of my bed and feel the late 60's confusion of the lyrics --- aside from the beautiful tragedies and bad acting of the film's characters --- there was the all too real tragedy of Sharon Tate's murder the week before the film opened. Causing upset hippies to even sneak a peak at the tragic beauty of Ms. Tate. Everyone wanted that fucking decade to end. And, now, I just wanna break! Nothing major -- just a break that will get me thru now and that first pay check. And, then, or now, what do I do? Where I am I going?

...well, Dionne sang it best:

Gotta get off, gonna get
Have to get off from this ride
Gotta get hold, gonna get
Need to get hold of my pride
When did I get, where did I
How was I caught in this game
When will I know, where will I
How will I think of my name
When did I stop feeling sure, feeling safe
And start wondering why, wondering why
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
What's in back of the sky, why do we cry
Gotta get off, gonna get
Off of this merry-go-round
Gotta get off, gonna get
Need to get on where I'm bound
When did I get, where did I
Why am I lost as a lamb
When will I know, where will I
How will I learn who I am
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
Tell me, when will I know, how will I know
When will I know why?

Oh, and I should add, that mixed in with all of my thing from my desk was a little note from a very dear co-worker sending me love and good wishes. The note made me cry. I don't cry. So, you know it really touched me.

I also came across a card that a very dear friend, Derek Darling, sent me a few years back. The card is quite effective and features an unusual picture on the front, and in the card Derek wrote -- "...I thought of you when I saw this card. The image is so warm and happy. It is just to remind us of what is possible. ...I hope it makes you happy, however briefly." ...and, it did make me happy.

Sigh -- I am ok. I will be ok. I always am. I just need to figure out what it is I need to do --- and I always seem to figure that out. So, let's hope tomorrow is a better day and I stumple upon about $5,000! LOL! Got bank robbery? ...just kidding in case there are any evil thougth police out there! ...I do not steal!

soft kisses,

Monday, May 09, 2005


Spoiler Alert: If you plan to see the new Todd Solondz film, PALENDROMES, and you don't want to know a surprising twist to the film -- skip this blog posting.

I just saw PALENDROMES with my pal, Bill. It was a fantastic and uncomfortably hillarious film. However, I have to take pause and say -- "Why O why did he have to kill Dawn Wiener????" The film opens at Dawn's funeral. Seems that not only was Dawn doomed to be a misfit --- she got date raped and killed herself! Noooooooo! However, the return of her brother's character and tying this new film about the darker side of middle class society to The Wiener family is pretty clever. I just hate it that Dawn died and that bitchy little Missy lives!!!! My other complaint is that we only see Dawn's mother for a moment at the funeral sobbing. It would have been fun to get to see that character more!

And, can someone tell me what in the hell Ellen Barkin did to her face? It was positively creepy when she raised her aged hands to her oddly smoothed-out face. Even still, she gave a brilliant performance. Is that Oscar we hear calling?

But Jennifer Jason Leigh steals the show in her tiny appearance as one of the Palendromes. Neat idea to have a 40 something actress playing a 13 year old --- and she totally nailed it. But then again, doesn't JJ Leigh always nail it? Just keep her away from high heels and small animals.

It was so nice walking from the MUNI train to the house tonight. I just love that cool San Francisco breeze we get at night -- even better than the one we have during the day! Now, I just need a job, money and a boyfriend to "complete me"



Yes, kids, I have made some major life changes in these past weeks! Found myself facing some highly unusual circumstances and upon reflection I decided that the best option for me was to simply jump off the edge and start it all over. So, I am no longer living in Boston. I have relocated to San Francisco. I gave my notice to my employer and am now in the midst of an aggressive job search.

I am lucky enough to have one of my 4 closest friends on the planet living here and he has given me a nice place to live unitl I get sorted with a job, etc. Another challenge I am facing is an enourmous amount of debt with which I must deal. So, the next couple of weeks will be a bit stress-filled!

However, stress is nothing new and I've survived far worse.

On the positive side of things --- I am really psyched to be back here. I've already made some new friends in a very short amount of time and am enjoying the beauty of the area. And, it is really nice to be close to Alan again. I've missed him a great deal. Let's hope I am not driving him crazy as I've invaded his personal space!

I feel kind of like Rhoda --- standing at that intersection screaming, "New York! This is your last chance!" ...except of course I am in San Francisco, am male, do not wear beaded hats/head scarfs, wild 70's fashions and have a fat sister named Brenda. But still, I feel a spiritual connection with Mary Tyler Moore's best friend who remains frozen in the mid to late 70's thanks to the "magic" of TV!

Tho, I should not spend the money --- I am meeting my pal, Bill, to see PALENDROMES at the historic Castro Theatre this evening! A boy has to have some fun, right!!??!?

I do sometimes feel a bit sad and horrified when I think of some of the challenges I am facing and the desperate need to secure a job with benefits --- and the sadness of leaving behind so many imporant people in Boston. And, it was hard to leave my employer. I can't say that the last couple of months were very "nice" in my dealings with folks at the National level, but I am really going to miss all of my co-workers. I would have been there 11 years this month. That is a long time and I have a family there. Dysfunctional, but a family all the same. Of course, what family isn't dysfunctional?!?!?

Anyway ---- San Francisco, this is your last chance! I toss my "Dirty White Boy" cap in the air and the cool, clean Northern California breeze carries it down Castro Street. I run after it, but am stopped by a gathering of beautiful men of all shapes, colors and sizes --- all friendly. And -- wait --- is that Sylvester I hear crooning from one of those beautiful homes on Noe?

Hmmmm... Mighty real.

Sunday, May 08, 2005


After spending a lovely Friday/Saturday in Walnut Creek with a great guy -- I was on my way back home to San Francisco. Just sitting patiently in seat on the BART train headed out of the Pleasant Hill rail station, a sweet looking lady walked over to me and asked if she could sit with me. Being back in California I have been working on improving my bad New England ways so that I can repsond when strangers say "hi" or make friendly eye contact --- so, I said "sure!" in my friendliest voice while I was trying, in my head, to understand why she wanted to sit with me when there were dozens of empty seats all thru the train. ...but, no, she wanted to sit with me.

As our conversation started I began to curse myself for not having put my walkman on when I first sat down. Here is the conversation --- and, you will note that I went out of my to be friendly and polite.

"Honey, I wanted to tell you what happened to me last night"


"Yes! I have been targeted by the Bush Administration as a threat to the moral fiber of the country! Do you know why?"

...panick was sitting in it, but I pushed it down deep inside of me ---

"Um, no. Why?"

"I am a woman of color, and child, you are a homosexual. Are you not?"

"That is horrible. Yes, I am gay"

"I knew it! My son is gay. I would love for you to meet him. He needs a nice white Jewish boyfriend"

"Really?" ....I focus on the fact that I can escape by claiming any stop is mine.

"Yes, but you see last night when I was walking thru my living room the secret service shot gamma rays thru my living room window right a me! I went flying thru the room! And, now I have radiation poisoning!"

"Oh my God! Did you go to the hospital or the police?"

"Honey, the police don't want to talk to no black woman who is being targeted by the US Republican government now do they? And, I did call the hospital but they want to pretend like I am crazy -- but, you see, they are in on it too. Why do you think they run in the glass room when they shoot your xrays?"

I don't say anything. I feel lost and "a scared"

"Do you know why, child?"

"No. Why?"

"Because the xray takers are working with the Bush administration to wipe all of us minortiy peoples out!"

"Oh no! Well, that is horrible!"

"Um, hmmm! Now, I don't want to stay here with you too long cause I don't want those gamma ray spys to see me talking to you --- but I just had to tell you to be careful and to warn your gay friends"

"I really appreciae it"

"You know, early this morning the spirit of Karen Silkwood came by my place to talk to me! She told me to move --- to leave the country! I asked her if she wanted to pay my bills to get me out of the country and she just laughed. She seems like a sweet girl. It is a dirty shame what those gamma ray spys did to her!"

"Wow! That is bad!" ...oh, God --- please get this train to the next station stop!

"What do you think I should do? I can tell you're an educated boy --- all of you sweet Jewish boys are educated --- that is why you're God's chosen people!"

"Call Ralph Nadar."

"Oh! I never thought of that! You are so right! -- OK, I need to get away from you so they don't see us talking --- and I am a little worried that I am still a bit radioactive. Honey, can I have your phone number so I can stay in touch with you?"

"Oh! I am sorry this is my stop -- I have to run. Listen, you take care and protect yourself from those guys!"

"I will! God bless you! if you see any men with large metalic guns --- just remember that they are going to try to shoot you with toxic gamma rays!"

"Ok --- You hang in there!"

"Bye, honey and say a prayerf for me!"

"I will! Bye!"

...and I ran out the BART door at Oakland Center or somewhere -- but I had to get away from the Gama Ray Lady

Thursday, May 05, 2005


I think it has been at least a year since George Michael released his infamous political R&B single, "Shoot the Dog", along with the even more infamous political video/cartoon featuring our so called "president", George Bush, and Britain's so called "prime minister" literally in bed together over this so called "war" ----- since then many more of our men and women have died as well as innocent children, women and men in Iraq. Boom!

Well, just like the US did last year ---- the majority of Britain decided to re-elect Tony Blair to an "historic" 3rd term.

Are we all about to go to Hell or are we already there?

I know many of you will disagree with me, but I just don't understand what is in the minds of "most" Americans and Britons. And, some terrorist acted out again against the British election --- maybe now we should go to war against Egypt. Why not?

Nothing from the world view is making much sense these days.

OK -- I will shut up about the politics and write of my new adventure here in California. Promise!

And, I need to catch up on my fave blogs, too! Am also dying to check out www.americablog.org by John Aravosis and Michael Rogers' BlogActive.com and RawStoryQ.com -- based on the new cover story on the May 10th edition of The Advocate which focuses on the powerful results of these two bloggers exposing the evils of such queers as Jeff Gannon, these two bloggers are my new Blog Icons of Choice!!!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


I made a big decision today. Well, I guess I made the decision several months ago --- but it took me quite a bit to work up to actually making it and moving forward. I formally gave notice to my employer. An employer for whom I've worked for over a decade. I know it is the right choice for a number of reasons, but I feel rather bummed that all of those years of hard work and dedication end like this. I've not left on bad terms, but my leaving was, in many ways, forced upon me by my employer. A couple of lawyers wanted to represent me to sue --- and several close friends felt I should have taken that line of action. I just didn't feel I could deal with that at this stage of the game. Not to mention the fact that I question the use of our court's time over things that we as individuals should of had the intelligence to deal with on our own. I saw the writing on the wall a while back, but I didn't do anything about it.

Anyway, it is late. I will post more of the many choices I have made in the last couple of weeks. My life is on the fast track to major change! I am both excited and horrified all at once.