WHAT MOMMY TOLD ME...
I have been on the phone with my mother quite a bit as of late. She is well-intentioned and chock full of advice which she is quick to dispense. She is also more than a little eccentric. I was thinking about some of the things she has said to me over the years and how I do enjoy teasing her about them. I have a good memory and am quite comfortable in putting them in quotes.
"No. Mommy has to get her hair done. It is important I look pretty this week. So, you hold still or the bowl will slip and your bangs will not be even! It will not be my fault!"
"The next time I holler for you I want you to come runnin'! Now, your mommy was lost in the house again and you should have come to me!"
"Your Daddy doesn't like this song, but it is very important! Learn the words! Cher is an American Indian and she understands how horrible people can be when you're different!"
"Honey, look. If I put it all on this plate it looks more happy. Like Christmas."
"Go tell your Daddy that if he shots another hole in my living room wall I am going to put one into his head!"
Upon hearing 'Love to Love You Baby' for the first time:
Mommy what is that sound Donna Summers is making?
"Her name is Donna Summer and she is pretendin' to have a heart attack. That's all, baby. Just dance!"
"I will take you to see TOMMY if you promise to shut the hell up about it once you see the damned thing! My God!"
"Matt, doesn't mommy look pretty and tan with this gel on? Your daddy doesn't like it, but I think I sparkle!"
Frustrated that I was not interested in her offer of a Farrah Fawcett or Peter Frampton poster instead of the two cool Roger Daltrey and Barbra Streisand posters my Aunt Gladys bought for me when I was visiting her in Houston: "I just don't understand you. Now, you listen to your mother. In a few years no one is even going to remember Roger Daltrey, TOMMY or that loud Barbra Streisand! Now, Peter Frampton and Farrah are here to stay! Most little boys would love to have these posters. What about a Star Wars poster instead of one of those?"
"No! You are NOT wearing those pants to school! Go back and put your bell bottoms back on! I don't want you lookin' like poor white trash!"
Mom, why is it called a blow job?
"I don't know, baby. But, I tell you one thing -- I'd rather suck on an old man's runny nose than put any man's penis in my mouth!"
"Baby? Is Elton John singing 'electric boobs'?"
"Well, that is just silly isn't it?"
After hearing that John Lennon had been assassinated: "This is so sad. He wrote some great music. But, you know I always preferred The Monkees to The Beatles."
"Well, I'm sorry but I think Christmas trees are prettier when they are spray painted blue!"
"I always knew you were gay. It's probably my fault. I should have never allowed you to listen to Barbra Streisand! And, are you stoned Mister? Don't answer that question! I don't want to know!"
...and, her most recent advice given after she learned I had quit my job: "Well, hon. I think you need to drive to LA and get yourself on one of these game shows! You know all this stuff about movie stars! You'd win a million dollars. I'm serious! Get out there and make some real money!"