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Sunday, January 14, 2007


Hey, kids!

Well, I have had enough blogger/google trouble and have moved! I hope you will visit my new home!

You will now find my bit of space
  • HERE

    And you can update your bookmarks/blog roll to this address:



  • Friday, January 12, 2007


    My BloggerPal, Old Cheeser (who is neigher old or cheezzy), has spotted me out to create a list of 5 things about myself. Here goes with some cool photos I "stole" from the myspace of this really cool guy named Bud. And I can't figure out how to post a link to his site on myspace. Sorry, Bud!!

    While I do love to eat scrambled eggs and omelettes --- I am unable to eat them if anyone says or I think of the word "egg" ...Yes, I have egg issues.

    I know the dialog of all the characters in the following movies --- each time I watch them I have to fight myself not to scream out the dialog in camp fashion as they screen: CARRIE, A STAR IS BORN, THE WAY WE WERE, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS & MURIEL'S WEDDING. "Bill! Bill! Katie wants to keep in the line about the black market! Bill!" ...see? I can't help myself.

    Because my mother forgot that she left me at the cinema --- I sat thru 4 continuous screenings of FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. I hate that stupid movie. I didn't even enjoy it during the first screeing. I remember being so upset that the only other movie playing was some John Wayne thing. However, I almost opted to watch it when I realized I was about to hear "Do You Love Me" for a fourth time.

    I have played "Ride A White Horse" on my iPod 351 times since October. While this might seem a bit obsessive -- it is a really great song! I do so love my Goldfrapp and require mulitple daily doeses of their glitter disco magic!

    Every year from my 4th thru to my 11th year of life I insisted on sending Barbra Streisand a birthday card. My Grandmother would help me pick the card out and we would mail it to Columbia Records. And for all of those years I would receive a glossy autographed photo. I still like to pretend that they were signed by her.

    Well, there are my 5 useless facts about me. I know I am supposed to assign this to 5 other people, but I don't wanna. Please do one if so inclined and if you've not done one already! I also find I'm too lazy to check my list for spellling or error. Sorry.


    I don't have that many pictures. A few years ago I decided it was crazy to keep so many. Anyway, here are a few of my mom.
    ...one of her few wedding pictures. I got this from my Uncle who had taken them but lost them for over 34 years. LOL!

    ...the back of this picture reads "New Orleans, me and matt 1976" ...so, this would have been taken around the time of many/most of these quotes.

    ...this is a fairly recent picture prior to her dying her hair blonde. I think it is about 6 or 7 years old now. This was after my father's death. No date on the back of the photo or anything.

    I used to have this great picture of her posing in a new dress while holding up this potted ivy she loved. I guess I lost it. It was really a great shot from 1978 during the time she was divorced from my father. Oh well.

    Thursday, January 11, 2007


    I have been on the phone with my mother quite a bit as of late. She is well-intentioned and chock full of advice which she is quick to dispense. She is also more than a little eccentric. I was thinking about some of the things she has said to me over the years and how I do enjoy teasing her about them. I have a good memory and am quite comfortable in putting them in quotes.

    "No. Mommy has to get her hair done. It is important I look pretty this week. So, you hold still or the bowl will slip and your bangs will not be even! It will not be my fault!"

    "The next time I holler for you I want you to come runnin'! Now, your mommy was lost in the house again and you should have come to me!"

    "Your Daddy doesn't like this song, but it is very important! Learn the words! Cher is an American Indian and she understands how horrible people can be when you're different!"

    "Honey, look. If I put it all on this plate it looks more happy. Like Christmas."

    "Go tell your Daddy that if he shots another hole in my living room wall I am going to put one into his head!"

    Upon hearing 'Love to Love You Baby' for the first time:
    Mommy what is that sound Donna Summers is making?
    "Her name is Donna Summer and she is pretendin' to have a heart attack. That's all, baby. Just dance!"

    "I will take you to see TOMMY if you promise to shut the hell up about it once you see the damned thing! My God!"

    "Matt, doesn't mommy look pretty and tan with this gel on? Your daddy doesn't like it, but I think I sparkle!"

    Frustrated that I was not interested in her offer of a Farrah Fawcett or Peter Frampton poster instead of the two cool Roger Daltrey and Barbra Streisand posters my Aunt Gladys bought for me when I was visiting her in Houston: "I just don't understand you. Now, you listen to your mother. In a few years no one is even going to remember Roger Daltrey, TOMMY or that loud Barbra Streisand! Now, Peter Frampton and Farrah are here to stay! Most little boys would love to have these posters. What about a Star Wars poster instead of one of those?"

    "No! You are NOT wearing those pants to school! Go back and put your bell bottoms back on! I don't want you lookin' like poor white trash!"

    Mom, why is it called a blow job?
    "I don't know, baby. But, I tell you one thing -- I'd rather suck on an old man's runny nose than put any man's penis in my mouth!"

    "Baby? Is Elton John singing 'electric boobs'?"
    "Well, that is just silly isn't it?"

    After hearing that John Lennon had been assassinated: "This is so sad. He wrote some great music. But, you know I always preferred The Monkees to The Beatles."

    "Well, I'm sorry but I think Christmas trees are prettier when they are spray painted blue!"

    "I always knew you were gay. It's probably my fault. I should have never allowed you to listen to Barbra Streisand! And, are you stoned Mister? Don't answer that question! I don't want to know!"

    ...and, her most recent advice given after she learned I had quit my job: "Well, hon. I think you need to drive to LA and get yourself on one of these game shows! You know all this stuff about movie stars! You'd win a million dollars. I'm serious! Get out there and make some real money!"

    I recently discovered that one of my favorite writers/thinkers/editors lives in San Francisco and keeps a blog! Most cool! I discovered this when Amazon.com sent me an email to "alert" me that Matt Bernstein Sycamore (AKA "Matilda") had a new book of collected essays out. I clicked in to just take a look and discovered a link to his blog!

    Well, yesterday afternoon, after a day on the job boards, I ran to an indie book store and picked up a copy. Unemployment and low funds be damned! Oh, and support indie book stores if you're able. Just say no to Borders! If you can! But, if you've no choice - you can find nearly all of his work on Amazon.com. Actually, you can find nearly everything on Amazon.com. But, still -- support your local book merchant!!!

    Tho, I have written about his work in this blog more than a couple of times I wanted to post a link to his blog and tell you all a bit more about him.

    Matt Bernstein Sycamore first came to my attention in the 90's when me and my ex temporarily moved to San Francisco. I remember hearing his "drag" persona being discussed at a gay club and reading a few quotes from him in the BAR. He was pissing a lot of gay boys off at the time. As I remember it, he was trying to bring attention to the vapidness that had become the SF Gay Pride Parade --- and the vapidness of gay culture and the one-sided nature of the most vocal of the gay male population in SF. He had some potent and interesting things to say. At the time, I was too absorbed in my father's death and matters of love and work to fully focus on these issues. But his ideas and his name stuck with me.

    Several years ago I came across a copy of his novel, "Pulling Taffy" which totally captivated me. It reads like pages torn from the journal of a boy fighting to survive the scars inflicted by incest and abuse --- and fighting in the most frustrating ways possible. And, though the book is filled with tragedy, confusion, sadness, horrors, addiction and transgression --- it also has a spirit of hope. It is about surviving. I related to so much in it. Though, I often found myself wanting to shake the narrator and pull him to safety --- I realized that these feelings were really aimed at myself.

    If you're reading this and you've been abused sexually by one of your parents you know that this level of damage never goes away. There is an unspoken pain that we survivors of violent abuse carry and fight all of the time. It impacts us on all levels. And, results in a sort of familial war that never seems to end. I am still fighting it out with my mother for standing back while my father hurt me. I guess, in some ways, I always will. I love my mother dearly. But, I will never understand. Nor will she. Shit. I loved my father. It hurt when he died, but the anger I have at him for what he did. ...I can't capture it in words. This book pulled me in and pulled me out. Amazing bit of writing. He has written a number of stories, essays and pulled together anthologies -- I have avoided this one which I believe deals with incest that I think might be too disturbing to me. However, some day I will read it.

    Shortly before I left Boston for good and returned to San Francisco to save myself, I purchased a copy of Bernstein Sycamore's collected anthology of viewpoints on queer culture/theory/movement called "That's Revolting" this collection made me cheer, angry and caused me to re-evaluate every idea I had about being a member of queer culture. I don't agree with a number of the ideas represented. I support a good number of them. And, some still leave me wondering how I stand. This is revolutionary thinking at its best! It caused me to seek out more of Matt's writing and editorial collections. It caused me to seek out the writings of some of the other writers in the collection. I even ended up being an acquaintance of one of the writers thru a romantic encounter I enjoyed.

    There are more than few incredible works out there for which Matt is responsible. This collection really fascinated me. As someone who once "dabble'd" in a bit of sex work as a phone sex operator --- it was an interesting read. And, an honest one filled with challenging ideas, humor, experiences, sadness and opinions. Like all work in which he is involved or creates --- he stimulates ideas that challenge you as a reader, a thinker and a citizen. Matilda enjoys shaking things up. He pushes the envelope off the counter and lets it fly away with the wind out the door.

    This new collection is called "Nobody Passes" I believe it will be exploring the nature of gender identity within the context of our rather rigid societal "norms" ---- I think this collection goes far beyond the queer theory label. I can't wait to get started reading! Later today!

    Anyway, I hope I've stirred your interest and decide to check out his work or stop by his blog. It is listed along with all my fave blogs to the left, but here is a
  • LINK.

    Here is what some cool folks are saying about "Nobody Passes":

    "“In this beautiful, surprising collection of essays,
    Matildaa brings together the smartly told, diverse
    stories of social refuseniks. The result is a
    provocative critique of the act of passing, and a
    lively, challenging, often moving account of the
    pleasures and pains of not passing. Nobody Passes
    kicks ass. It will mess you right up." —Joshua Gamson, author of The Fabulous Sylvester

    "These essays, in all of their militant heterogeneity,
    with all of their ease and rage at being on margins,
    chart some of the most important ground on which the
    desire for a new society is finding expression. They
    show rebels that we are far from alone in feeling such
    desire." David Roediger, author of Working Toward Whiteness:
    How America's Immigrants Became White

    "“Nobody Passes is a fascinating example of how
    feminism and gender studies can support radically new
    identities that develop at the speed of life —or it may
    be part of the end of identity politics as known so
    far." Naomi Zack, Professor of Philosophy, University of
    Oregon, author of Inclusive Feminism: A Third Wave
    Theory of A Womens Commonality

  • Wednesday, January 10, 2007

    Being unemployed and without funds is not much fun. No matter how hard you try, you sometimes find yourself feeling down. As I walked down Market Street last night I passed a store window which had the above CD on display.

    Does Miss Ross really love me? And, if so --- is it that from a distance in white gloves kind of Diana Ross love? Will Miss Ross buy me lunch? Could I be her PA, perhaps? Is her love real as that she once shared with Berry Gordy when they thought that they would take over the world? I doubt it.

    No, I think this is just the name of some cheap import CD from Japan filled with those great love ballads of the 70's! Last Time I Saw My Baby, Touch Me In The Morning, etc. But, I guess I could be wrong. Maybe she does love me. Anyway, the sight of her CD and it silly name gave me a laugh. And, that is what I needed. So, a note of thanks to Miss Ross! I do so love her! ...in my way. ...with my head turned to the right, my shoulders up and smiling. Waiting for my moment. Big kiss.Love, matty

    Monday, January 08, 2007

    photo by jenny bolis...

    San Francisco is an odd city. It seems to be filled with ideas that never fully form but ache to expand and push forward. Is it too poetic to write that it is a city full of possibilities hidden in the fog? Maybe so. But, they are hiding there. These promises hang in the air. Half-starts are all around here. I like this "incomplete-ness" for some reason. And, by and large, I have always found it to be a "friendly" city. Everyone always seems to disagree with me on this point. Tho, I am happy here. I enjoy roaming the city, feeling the rush of sun and cool wind that managed to make me both sweat and shiver at the same time --- and, I never fail to have some form of adventure during the course of my day.

    Today, I had to "run" an errand. I say "run" because it was more of a slow walk as my back is still hurting. I didn't have my iPod with me. I forgot it. I passed a large group of folks from somewhere in China. There was an overly happy white guy standing in front of this group of puzzled-looking people. So, I found myself stopping for a minute to listen to what this almost manic man was saying. He spoke too loud. Like those annoying people who think that a non-English speaking person will understand them if they scream every word.

    "If you get lost, just reach out and stop someone and say, 'Help me! I'm lost!' This is a VERY friendly city and you will be assisted!"

    A queer urban hispster was standing next to me and he chuckled. I turned and looked at him and he said, "This IS NOT a friendly city! Yeah, reach out and touch someone. That'll work!" I smiled and he walked away. He was wearing really cool orange shoes.

    About an hour later I was seated on an F Train headed to the Castro. A man who smelled like old newspapers got on at the Powell/Market stop and asked me if I could spare him a dollar. I reached into my jacket pockets. I had five quarters. I gave him four. His hands looked so dry, tired and old.

    I smiled and said, "My mom used to give me incredibly small amounts of money and then advise me to not spend it all in one place. The funny thing is she was always serious about that."

    We both laughed.

    We rode on in silence. I watched out the window wondering what things had gone on in some of these seedy little hotels you pass when going through the Tenderloin. I think we had been riding about five minutes. And, this man, who had been rolling those four quarters from one hand to the other, turned to me. He thanked me for speaking to him.

    "You're the first person to actually talk to me in three days. I had started to think I was invisible. A lady gave me a dime an hour ago and asked me not to use it to buy drugs. What a stupid bitch. You know why I wanted this money?"


    "I have to do my laundry. I stink. I have to do my laundry and she gives me a fucking dime and thinks I'm going to buy drugs. With ten fucking cents! I wanted to throw the dime right back at her."

    I laughed. He laughed. The lady across from us looked at us with this look of total disgust.

    "This is my stop! Hey, kid, you have a great day!" ....The man got up and lurched forward as the F train sort of slammed into the stop. I pulled out my wallet and handed him a five dollar bill.

    "You'll need that for the dry cycle."

    He took it, smiled and jumped off the train.

    Maybe this is not a friendly city. But, I like to pretend that it is. Of course, this has always been my problem. I love to pretend.

    Sunday, January 07, 2007


    Say what you will, and I will say I've never liked any of her films -- but Lina Wertmuller came up with some wicked cool titles for them in her day. The one poster'd to the left is my personal favorite. It is one of her typical films in which men and women go at sex like a battle and argue politics in really ugly clothing. This one was worse than usual because it starred Candice Bergen speaking English while everyone else is either speaking that or Italian, but every actor's mouth seemed to not match the words coming out of their respective mouths. Henry Miller must have had sex with her because he made a gave her a very glowing review of thought that seems to follow her where ever her film work and politics take her. However, this post has nothing to do with that movie or Lina Wertmuller. I just thought I would use one of her cool titles. I do think Ms. Wertumuller gives best title this side of Carrie Fisher --- who is also a master of great titles. But, once again -- I digress.

    As I injured my back I've had several "miss-starts" this weekend. I tried to go out a couple of times yesterday to do various little things -- like take a walk or visit Ms. Ing at her book shop where I could possibly harass her for the hardback novelizations of FOR THE LOVE OF BENJI or YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE ...but it wasn't meant to be. It hurt too much to move. So aside from a couple of very short walks all I really did Friday night, Saturday and up till 3pm today was lay about watching DVD's and trying not to eat much. I AM going out tonight, however much the pain!!!! I can't stay in the house anymore! Wahhhh! Anyway, I've important plans with my bud, Alan. We are taking over the world tonight. Or, at least taking that first all important step toward world domination. That's not true. We're just having a cheap dinner and seeing a movie but should the possibility of world domination come up I'm sure we will go for that!

    My Broken Back Film Fest started with a viewing of Tony Scott's uber-cool THE HUNGER with running commentary from Susan Sarandon and Mr. Scott -- both of whom sounded really old. Why are all my fave film actors getting so bloody old!?!?! What is up with that? At any rate! I am never ceased to be amazed at how fucking cool it is when you put Bauhaus, Ann Magnuson, Susan Sarandon, David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve in the same movie! AND, you mix in bi-sexualized goth vampires with loads of early 80's stylin' clothes and "noir-like sinematography" --- Well, you end up with a flawed but totally kick ass movie! Still, I sure wish that they had retained the novel's original ending which made sense. The ending to the movie just annoys -- tho that is a great shot! Oh, and I learned that Ms. Deneuve is really sweet, smart and loves to garden and it takes lots of hand cream to keep her hands looking soft for the screen. And, if you ask me, she does remain the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in movies. Tho, I would rather watch Isabelle Huppert. What is it about French women!?!?

    Then I made it a David Bowie double feature by watching the director's cut of MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH. ...Every time I see this movie I forget how very much I like it. Does anyone get any cooler than David Bowie?!!?!? Ever?!?!? Now, I just need to watch it again with Mr. Bowie's commentary. I do wonder what that is like.

    Then it was time to plug in the latest twisted film from Korean Cinema's Bad Boy, Ki-duk Kim!!! TIME -- or SHI GAN (for those of you who might be able to speak Korean) has caused a bit of an uproar with Ki-duk and his nation. However, that seems to happen with every film Ki-duk ever makes. I really suspect much of this is of his own doing. Too bad as I think he may be the most important director to come out of Korea. But what is one to do when the writer/producer/director insists on making films that push every envelope and then decides to take every critical comment as a personal assault. Still, Korea is more than happy to push him to other countries at film fests! So, it is our win. He is incredible and complex in his film making. But, be warned - You never know what you might get. When he is good he is very good. When he is bad, he is even better. But, when he is awful, his movie can suck. ...really badly suck.

    I had really been curious about this film and upset when it failed to get ANY distribution and only played at a couple of film fests in other countries. I do not think it ever played the US. As cultural obsession with beauty and fitting the "ideal" body type has reached just about all of us --- I was quite interested in seeing what he would do with this topic. This is what I would call a visually intellectual piece of filmmaking. The surreal aspect of the film is both interesting and frustrating because it hurts the socio-political context of the idea but the film is well worth seeing. It is not his best. I had read that many critics and viewer's had trashed the acting of the performers. This is unfair as it is quite clear that they are giving us just what Kim wants -- almost opera-level theatrics to match the over-the-top nature of the story. By the way, I MUST get to Korea to visit the sculpture park (if it is real)
    Does anyone know?!?!!? Look at this sculpture! If it is just a film set, I LOVE it! I hope it is real, tho! I need to go touch and explore these statues!

    Then, it really was time for bed. I was so tired. However, the back hurt too much. So I lined up all the pillows, took Ibubrofen and decided to watch me some Takashi Miike. When you're not feeling all that great, are sleepy but unable to sleep and you're home all alone --- you might now want to watch his segment from 3 EXTREMES. ...it is called BOX. Beautifully filmed and slowly paced --- it sort of slips up on you. If ever you see a pair of little girls intent on fitting themselves into a box --- I suggest you just walk away before anything suspect happens. Because little girls should not try to fit themselves into tiny boxes. ...Especially if the box is made of wood, locks and is near a oil burning lamp. Most worrying. I also watched 2-LDK, Yukihiko Tsutsumi's funny horror movie, for the 30th or 100th time.
    ...It always leaves me feeling relieved that I'm not a gorgeous Japanese fashion girly-girl model in need of a fellow glam model roommate. ...because, like pretty little girls fitting themselves into tiny boxes -- this also spells loads of trouble. What is it with fashion models and their love of chainsaws? ...Or is this a strictly Japanese horror/comedy device?!?!?!

    Anyway, I'm up. My back feels MUCH better! And, I've got my fingers crossed to hear from some job prospects starting tomorrow! ...and, he rambles on and on.

    Saturday, January 06, 2007

    well, the laundry has to be done. i bet i can fit all the towels, socks and underwear into this one laundry bag and carry it down the street to that laundrette across from flore. the bag slipping out of my arms. it is so damn heavy. maybe this wasn't a good idea. are my feet tripping over each other? shit. yes. they are. SPLAT.

    "Hey! Are you okay?"

    am i okay? "Yes! I just tripped. No big deal. Thanks!"

    "Man! That is a big bag of laundry!"

    "Yeah..." ...why, yes, it is. shit. can i get up? maybe it was my shoes. diesel shoes are kind of strange.

    i've got that bag, i will not drop it and i will not fall down again. shit. is my back out? ok. my back, like, totally hurts right now. i'm okay. i can do this. $10 just to wash these loads? i still have all the shirts and jeans to lug down here. how am i going to ever get these loads back to our apartment? my back so hurts. shit.

    "You know you can get a rolling cart down at the ace hardware store on market. Looks like you might need one."

    yeah, right.

    "You mean that doesn't come assembled? I have to pay $50 and it does not come assembled?" oh, good. they are assembling it for me. is that my phone ringing? maybe it's B.

    "Sure, I would love to meet with you on Monday!"

    "You know, we are very busy here and we don't put up with bullshit so don't be late for this interview! Do you understand?"

    "You know, I don't think this is going to be a good fit. I am going to pass on this position. Best of luck and thanks for calling me."


    bitch. what was that all about?

    B called. now, i've got his voicemail. oh well.

    "Are you sure you want me to use '1'? Have you used it before?" jesus. i do know how i want my hair cut. leave me alone. just cut my hair.

    why would someone send me the DVD of MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH and not tell me who they are? why do people do that? it is really cool and sweet, tho. isn't it?

    i forgot to eat. maybe that is why i feel odd. this chair is so ugly but the vibrating feature feels so good on my back. i love this chair.

    have i been doing laundry all day? i have. i really should eat. wait. i did have a cookie and a diet coke in between the second set of loads. who needs real food? i think i do. i wonder if alan and ing are free tonight. nope. they are not. nor are they free for tomorrow night. wait. i forgot to ask them if them if they were free tonight. oh well, my back hurts.

    does this beard look good are really bad? is scott caan cute or not? he's like one of those frat boys that you would want to avoid because they are so dull and stupid.

    isn't it sad that the film directors think it is so unusual for a lower middle class family would have an office in the side of the living room? "We love the idea that they had an office in the living room! How strange, but oddly 'real'!" ...yes. these two LA filmmakers understand real life. not.

    ...is that supposed to be that soft? yeah. maybe that's the way it is supposed to be.

    maybe i fell to earth. no. i just fall on the earth. ...a lot. ...and damage my back.