Happy New Year!

Well, 2004 ends tonight and it has been quite a year for all of us. For me it has been a year of change and continues to be a time of self-reflection and self-discovery. However, no matter how many ways I try to make it all seem positive, this has been a tough year and I am glad to see it pass. I have very high hopes for 2005!

I recently discovered an online store full of cool goodies with linkss to other cool sites. I have listed it in my links column, but thought I would mention it here. This store is run by a reelly cool and hot oy from Chicago. I highly recomedd it!

check it out!

THE BEAR PAW

Off the topic of the New Year and on to the subject of intimacy and the American male. I was discussing this with someone yesterday. It was a very enlightening conversation that gave me pause to think. As children assimilate into the roles that our society essentially dictates --- many ideas are planed in our heads. Boys and men are not to cry. It is a sign of weakness. Boys should not play with Barbie dolls --- and, if a doll is required it will need to be in the form of an action figure. However, the darkest social lesson given to men as children is that touching and being held is more of a baby/grilish thing to do. It is sad, because whether you realize it or not --- you need to be held and touched. Men confuse this with sex. Intimacy is a major part of sex --- but intimacy is also about trusting another to hold, caress and touch you. It is something that our souls cry out for ---- nd, ye something taht very few men experiednce.

So, the next time you're sitting with a friend --- fight the constraints of socially pre-conditioined roles and touch each other. Hold one anoher. I promise you will ell all the bettert for it.

No matter how old you are --- we all need to be touched. ...and loved.

+A Prayer+

I have always found Christmas to be a mixture of sadness and happiness. ...and, of confusion. Do people look forward to it as a celebration for the birth of their God or is it just another day off from work with gifts to boot? I believe in a higher power. I am unable to believe in the Christian faith because I find too much anger and hate within it. Or, perhaps it is that so many mis-read or mis-understand the guidance which The Bible provides.

I guess I have never quite found a faith that feels completely right to me.

However, I do know in my heart of hearts that there is a God and that this being is all love ---- and, I guess I feel that this life is a sort of test for all of us to be the best people we can be. ...a tougher order than one realizes when the mind fully contemplates it. How many of us can say that we try to be the best people we can be all of the time. It is a quest that seems to go against the grain of humanity. At any rate, I always find myself praying on Christmas Eve to the God I feel in music --- that I feel in my heart, and that I sometimes see in the light of others.

I wanted to record my prayer this year. Not sure why. If pressed, I think I want to record it in hopes of getting us all to stop and think for a few minutes. To forget about the presents, the extra time away from work or school, the joys and burdens of our families and the pain of loneliness that many of us feel at this time of year. Instead, I hope that more of us can look inward and nurture our souls so that we can nurture others.

I pray that the world finds a way to peace and that our country's leaders decide to change our course and will play a major role in helping the world get to that place. I pray for the innocent children, women, men and the brave soldiers who have been pulled into wars that defy logic. I pray for those people who have been beaten down for so many generations that the only hope they can find is to die in an act of violence.

And, I pray for those of us, like myself, who sat --- and continue --- to sit while it all happens --- without doing much to make a difference.

I pray that my friends and family find the happiness and joy that they all deserve.

I pray that I find the strength to continue to fight the battle to heal the scars burned into my soul when I was far too young to protect myself. I pray for those who tried to harm my soul --- and, for those who hid in the shadows and allowed them to do it.

I pray for the depth of vision to see a path toward true happiness.

I whisper a prayer for the things that we all need ---- comfort, safety, support, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, trust and love.

And, I pray with all my heart that this higher power will hear all of our prayers and pain --- and, that this power will help to ease it all.

Amen.

PILLOW TALK

Let's talk a bit about "bedding" -- not as a verb, but as a noun. When I moved to my own place I strived to put a new mark or look to the pad so that I would not be blasted in the face with memories every minute of the hour. As it turns out, it is all very much like that Bab's song. Scattered pictures, water-colored and all

...but I digress. Anyway, I bought a lot of new stuff. I have posted about my new artwork --- but I also made an investment in the most intimate of things --- yes, my bedding.

I purchased a "douvet" --- now, as I understand it, this is a sort of "sleeve" into which one puts a nice comforter. In the past, a comforter was a "bed spread" as far as I was concerned. It never occured to me that I should place it into an expensive cloth sleeve and button it up! However, as I move closer and closer toward the big 40 (2 more years to go) --- I want to be a bit more sophisticated. Especially when it comes to my bedding. So, I purchased a lovely douvet and a very nice down-filled comforter. I do not know what the whole "down-filled" thing is about and I might be getting the terminology wrong --- but it must be top notch considering the cost! At any rate --- this shit ain't cheap! I then purchased a set of bed sheets to die for! We are talking lush, soft, 1800 thread count bed sheets that invite one to swim into the luxury that only high thread count can provide.

Just to provide you with some perspective -- I have used the same blanket for years. I do mean "years" --- you see, it had a faux-silk fringe and all my life I have needed to run silk between my index finger and my thumb as I fall asleep. Actually, I think I even do this as I sleep. Anyway, I guess one could say that this was my security blanket.

This blanket, was, at one time, white with a cream colored faux-silk embroidered all around. Over the course of the years, it had turned to a sort of brown color with an ash faux-silk fringe --- which came loose a couple of years ago. One night, after the loose fringe almost strangled Karl as he slept --- he took a pair of scissors and cut off the loose bits of fringe. Well, after re-entering the single world, I finally decided to let the blanket go. I purchased a very expensive blanket with, yes, a true silk fringe. It took forever to find! But I found it! It will take a while to soften the silk up, but it will soften --- and I shall rub it between my delicate fingers!

The other night as I lay in my nice bedding, I realized that my pillows were, well, flat. Yes, just like Sissy Spacek's in CARRIE. However, I should note that while my pillows were flat --- they were not dirty. They could have been taken to a prom. Non one would have needed to stare or laugh at them --- Especially if the kids were just going to douse them in pig's blood anyway. I mean, what did I care?

Well, I will tell you. I cared a great deal. I did not want clean, but flat pillows. So, I went to Macy's. And, using their star rating system, --- I purchased the most expensive 5 star pillows they had! I mean --- these pillows are so special they came (and stay!) in their own protective cloth wrapping! They are soft, lush --- and, yet, yes --- somehow quite firm.

I guess what I am trying to say is that my bed is a floating piece of heaven. As a matter of fact, I bet this is as close to what Miss Liz Taylor sleeps in with her two faggy little dogs as I will ever get! As this is a "Sleep Member" bed --- I would bet money that this is almost identical to what the Bionic Woman lady sleeps in! Except I should think that Lindsey Wagner would go with some form of American Indian print sheets --- 800 thread count at most.

Now, if only I could sleep, have better luck with therapy and get my meds right! ...I would be all set!

heat

it is 7 degrees outside. according to the weather on-line it feels like -12 due to chill factor.

i actually have the heat on.

i am actually cold.

that never happens.

The Universe Is Expanding

I keep thinking of that scene in ANNIE HALL where the depressed child asks the family doctor what is the point of doing anything in life when the universe is expanding --- the doctor shrugs it off and advises the kid that the end of the earth is millions of years away and the kid's mother screams to the boy, "the universe? What's that your business?!?!?" ...well, it went something like that. Sometimes it does all feel quite futile, but I guess the mother in Annie Hall was right --- What's that our business? We just need to keep moving forward and making the best of things.

In that spirit, the new apartment is starting to feel like a home to me. I am feeling more and more comfortable here. Now, if I can just adjust to living alone again. I figure that will fall in place soon.

I have decorated the place the way I want --- which is something I've not been able to do in over 9 years. So, that's cool. The only problem is that I am not sure I should be decorating a home. Interior decoration. What's that my business!?!?

The motif is most definitely movies and music. I have always enjoyed looking at movie posters so I've managed to find many of my favorites, frame them and put them up. I have also always enjoyed looking at photos of people. Faces and bodies are interesting --- so I've got several great iconic photographic images. Two of which are from the early 90's Annie Leibovitz photographic exhibit. The nude shot of Keith Haring where he has painted himself and a living room just like his artwork and the infamous shot of John and Yoko lying on their living room floor ---- Yoko looking happy and relaxed and John wrapped around her giving her a kiss. I also found a print of the Warhol work he created to promote Fassbinder's QUERELLE. I also found that great shot of Janis Joplin sitting on the hood of her psychodelic car parked in San Franciso and one of my fave publicity shots of Barbra with Kristofferson from 1976. There are still a few pieces which have yet to come in. If I ever manage to install the software, I will post some pix of the place to my Yahoo photo albums.

I wish I had something of more import, humor or interest to report --- but I don't. Am sure I will soon, tho! Stay tuned!

Oh -- does anyone know what happened to the "bold" and "italic" options within Blogger? I can't seem to find them anymore.

kisses, matt

From My Apartment In The Sky

I am all moved in and back on line! The apartment is nice enough, but it really does not feel like home. I kept trying to do little things to make the whole move more fun or exciting. I have all new artwork on the walls --- stuff that Karl would never have allowed in the house. I guess I am happy with the way it looks.

Being a lazy slob of late, I hired Merry Maids to come in and do a proper cleaning of the unit as I was unhappy with the job that Equity Management did prior to my move in. I wrote them a letter, but did not want to wait. It is all clean and pretty now. One could eat off the floors!

Oh, and it appears that there may be a frat house located in the unit next to mine. Ugh! Why me? However, security is aware and addressing. The funny thing is that I do not normally mind noise. However, when girls and boys start screaming and running round the hall way while my other neighbors scream at them is just too much. Oh, and this was all happening at 3AM. Anyway, I guess they will be up for eviction if there are any other incidents.

Still, I feel alone. At least I have made pals with a couple of the conceirge dudes.

My new stereo rocks, too, and I am typing for the first time on my way-cool iBook G4! I need to install the software for my way cool digital camera and post some pix!

Moved Karl into his North End apartment today. It is really cute and has a warm feeling to it that this place does not. Today was really rough on me. I have not been sleeping well. ...and, I am just sad. Today as I was attempting to help Karl unpack I noticed little things that we had bought together or done together ---- and I just wanted to cry.

So, I came home and slipped into a hot bath, with a nice candle burning and a rotation of Stevie Nicks, Jem and Sarah McLaughlin on the CD player. It was relaxing and now I am not as tired as I felt on my way home.

Did anyone out there know that Marianne Faithfull released a new CD?!?!?! Well, she did. I guess it is only out in the UK, but I ordered a copy. I really like it, tho much more downbeat than her last release. This new CD is co-written and produced by PJ Harvey. Interesting combination. The author of FIGHT CLUB wrote the liner notes. However, if you do not like PJ Harvey --- you will want to avoid it.

I discovered a UK series via DVD called ALAN PARTRIDGE which is very funny.

I wish I had something more exciting to post. However, the last couple of weeks have revolved around moving, selling a condo and work --- there has not been much time for anything else.

Now, I need to catch up on all my fave blogs!!!!

kisses from the 10th floor in Boston,
matt

Off Line

The boxes are packed, the new furniture is assembled, the movers have been contracted, cable is scheduled to arrive, electric is set to roll and I picked up my keys today. I move to my apartment tomorrow.

This evening I went to the new place and just walked about the empty one bedroom apartment. It is quite nice. Somehow, tho --- the emptiness combined with the sadness just made me feel like a little kid being left at his kindergarten class for the first time.

I sat on the living room floor and cried like a baby.

So many things I wish I could change, so many things I've never pursued and so many ideas wanting to take shape, but with no energy to allow them to form.

I left the apartment and returned to the condo. I comforted myself with the fact that I will feel better once my things are moved in and the pictures are hung.

It will be OK.

I will be off-line for the next couple of days. Hope to be up and running again by Sunday or Monday. Kisses from Boston!
matt