A MONKEY RIDING HIS OWN GIANT PENIS VALENTINE AND HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF LOVE, IF YOU'VE GOT IT!!!

Another customer at the cafe felt it was really creepy and that I should be worried, but as I've no Valentine to call my own -- I've opted to think the arrival of my odd little necklace and wondrous romantic gesture. There was one of those cushioned mailers waiting for me upon my arrival to my mail box. It was addressed to me, but had no return address -- only a post mark from Palm Springs, CA. Inside was a little adjustable necklace with an unusual little copper thing of a monkey holding on to his enormous penis. No note. Just the pervy necklace. I put it on. My funny valentine.

This afternoon I stood on the platform at Castro Station waiting for my train. I cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy walked by a couple of times. He stopped and asked me if I had the time. I did. He introduced himself. I introduced myself. Awkward moment of silence as I take a deep breath and as he stares at my shoes. Then, he asks me if I have time to grab a drink. Flattered, but not really the daddy-type I tell him that I really have to get home and thank him for the offer. He says ok and walks further down the platform. A hot early 40's guy walks by me. I turn and catch his eye. I smile and say hello. His eyes dart away as he mumbles something and walks past the cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy going down as far as the second bench. I notice that he is watching a skin-head queen across on the other side of the subway platform.

And, I think. This is the sad state of all things romantic. No one wants the one who wants them because the skin-head queen is watching the cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy who is still looking over at me. I stare at my shoes, wish I had a job and think of the odd monkey penis necklace I'm wearing under my blue shirt. ...well, it's not flowers or a proposal and I know not who sent it to me -- but it is mine.

Now, for those of you who are blessed enough to be in love right now, I wish you and yours a very happy Valentines Day and encourage you to have a romantic dinner and a night of pure erotic bliss. Now, for optimum love making one should set the mood with the right music.

I've decided to share my fave albums with which to have intimate relations. Feel free to borrow from my collection and have fun. ...you lucky bastards! ...it's just me and my monkey, I guess.

...this CD is paced perfectly -- slow, pseudo-trip-hop vibe turning to hardcore passion then steaming down to a sort of ambient flow. Amazing. ...in my humble opinion, the single most beautiful and romantic recording ever made. Be warned tho, the newly remasterd CD has like 20 minutes of outtakes at the end featuring Billie Holiday clearing her throat, forgetting lyrics and complaining to the producer and orchestra. Why did Sony do that?!??!
...yes. He is just as good as he looks. Think Tom Waits with a clear voice and more erotically-minded. Oh, and VERY French. I've no idea what he is singing about but my monkey gets harder with each note. Very sexy and romantic. Highly recommend these two CD's! Well worth the import cost. ...ah, if you don't know the erotic joys of Chet Baker you are simply at the edge of the Forrest, my friend. Put him on and he/she is yours and your are his/hers. Extra cool and effective on a rainy day. Actually, Chet Baker is a pleasure probably best for lazy/hazy romantic days. So, if you and yours can get the day off today...
...romantic and just a little down-n-dirty. Can't go wrong with this classic album from Ms. James. Skip the anthologies and hit collections for romantic background music. ...speaking of down-n-dirty and going at it for all it's worth. This may be a bit hardcore or deviant for some, but I think it is purrrrrrfect love makin' music. Whoopee gone sour, but hot. ...OK, I can hear the collective groan, but leave your Anti-Barbra feelings at the door. This is not the standard Babs LP. The classical selections are dreamy, lush, soft and sort of floating. Fails as a classical recording, but wonderfully erotic. This is a good one to slip on for a final go as the clock winds down to 3 or 4am. Soft and passionate. Well worth the soreness later. ...well, I can't explain it but I find this recording to be REALLY hot. For a darker evening of lust with an edge. ...granted, this might be a bit of an odd choice, but sometimes a dip into the darker side can be extra hot. Also, if you like to laugh a bit while enjoying each other (which I do) --- just time it right. Nothing is more fun than to say things like, "...Fuck you, Grandma." "Sid!??! What about the after sex drugs?????" "We need these." "If I ask you to, will you kill me?" or "...some Vietnam bullshit." It can be fun! Don't knock it till ya try it! After all, we all know that love kills and no one proved it better than Chole Webb and Gary Oldman as Sid & Nancy. ...Ok, now this is not going to be for everyone, but if you like your time spent on the edge and the idea of hot sex to the radiator Lady from EraserHead's song as performed by an odd British goth band - this is the album for you night of love. It can be fun. Go for this if you've shared more than 6 Valentines together. But, this is not for beginner couples. Ok? ...oh boy, Mr. Murat is hot and with very pretty melodies. Husky French voices -- can't go wrong here. I think he might be singing about horses and cars, but it feels like he is singing about the merger of bodies. Hot stuff and perfectly fine if no Arthur H. is handy. ...a double whammy of erotic tension and release when Isabelle Huppert and Murat go at it musically. Um, this is all about sex anyway so the French aspect just brings us to new lust and passion heights. You can almost smell the sex as the music plays. Featuring odd conversations, sounds of the street, subway trains and suspicious laughter. Hard to find, but worth it if you can. My monkey is now spent.

...but, Matt and your horny little monkey necklace, what do we play after we are both so spent from the shared joys and pleasures of the night????

Well, kids --- in my opinion you really only have two choices. It depends on just how spent you are and if you and your partner are true cuddlers. ...this is probably the best choice if you like to spoon into sleep. Can't go wrong with this choice. Smmmmmmoooth, but just a hint of distance. ...if you're both like me and just don't want the night to end --- this is the way to go. This is for the hardcore cuddle, kids. This is not a good CD for sex, but it is perfect for after. Hold each other. Break away to do just a bit more soft exploration to bring some fun joy to your lover as she/he is falling into sleep. This is an aural cocoon of love.

AND -- for the rest of us, the losers. ...the unlucky in love. ...the ones who are alone and without valentine lovers I offer the following suggestions:

Lots and lots of chocolate!
Viewings of either FATAL ATTRACTION or YOUR FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS
And, play Fleetwood Mac's RUMOURS really loud because it is the ultimate middle finger to love. Angry, upset, frustrated, lonely --- and, yet there is hope that love might be headed to us later on. Like, next year maybe???? Please?