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Monday, February 13, 2006

A MONKEY RIDING HIS OWN GIANT PENIS VALENTINE AND HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF LOVE, IF YOU'VE GOT IT!!!

Another customer at the cafe felt it was really creepy and that I should be worried, but as I've no Valentine to call my own -- I've opted to think the arrival of my odd little necklace and wondrous romantic gesture. There was one of those cushioned mailers waiting for me upon my arrival to my mail box. It was addressed to me, but had no return address -- only a post mark from Palm Springs, CA. Inside was a little adjustable necklace with an unusual little copper thing of a monkey holding on to his enormous penis. No note. Just the pervy necklace. I put it on. My funny valentine.

This afternoon I stood on the platform at Castro Station waiting for my train. I cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy walked by a couple of times. He stopped and asked me if I had the time. I did. He introduced himself. I introduced myself. Awkward moment of silence as I take a deep breath and as he stares at my shoes. Then, he asks me if I have time to grab a drink. Flattered, but not really the daddy-type I tell him that I really have to get home and thank him for the offer. He says ok and walks further down the platform. A hot early 40's guy walks by me. I turn and catch his eye. I smile and say hello. His eyes dart away as he mumbles something and walks past the cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy going down as far as the second bench. I notice that he is watching a skin-head queen across on the other side of the subway platform.

And, I think. This is the sad state of all things romantic. No one wants the one who wants them because the skin-head queen is watching the cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy who is still looking over at me. I stare at my shoes, wish I had a job and think of the odd monkey penis necklace I'm wearing under my blue shirt. ...well, it's not flowers or a proposal and I know not who sent it to me -- but it is mine.

Now, for those of you who are blessed enough to be in love right now, I wish you and yours a very happy Valentines Day and encourage you to have a romantic dinner and a night of pure erotic bliss. Now, for optimum love making one should set the mood with the right music.

I've decided to share my fave albums with which to have intimate relations. Feel free to borrow from my collection and have fun. ...you lucky bastards! ...it's just me and my monkey, I guess.

...this CD is paced perfectly -- slow, pseudo-trip-hop vibe turning to hardcore passion then steaming down to a sort of ambient flow. Amazing. ...in my humble opinion, the single most beautiful and romantic recording ever made. Be warned tho, the newly remasterd CD has like 20 minutes of outtakes at the end featuring Billie Holiday clearing her throat, forgetting lyrics and complaining to the producer and orchestra. Why did Sony do that?!??!
...yes. He is just as good as he looks. Think Tom Waits with a clear voice and more erotically-minded. Oh, and VERY French. I've no idea what he is singing about but my monkey gets harder with each note. Very sexy and romantic. Highly recommend these two CD's! Well worth the import cost. ...ah, if you don't know the erotic joys of Chet Baker you are simply at the edge of the Forrest, my friend. Put him on and he/she is yours and your are his/hers. Extra cool and effective on a rainy day. Actually, Chet Baker is a pleasure probably best for lazy/hazy romantic days. So, if you and yours can get the day off today...
...romantic and just a little down-n-dirty. Can't go wrong with this classic album from Ms. James. Skip the anthologies and hit collections for romantic background music. ...speaking of down-n-dirty and going at it for all it's worth. This may be a bit hardcore or deviant for some, but I think it is purrrrrrfect love makin' music. Whoopee gone sour, but hot. ...OK, I can hear the collective groan, but leave your Anti-Barbra feelings at the door. This is not the standard Babs LP. The classical selections are dreamy, lush, soft and sort of floating. Fails as a classical recording, but wonderfully erotic. This is a good one to slip on for a final go as the clock winds down to 3 or 4am. Soft and passionate. Well worth the soreness later. ...well, I can't explain it but I find this recording to be REALLY hot. For a darker evening of lust with an edge. ...granted, this might be a bit of an odd choice, but sometimes a dip into the darker side can be extra hot. Also, if you like to laugh a bit while enjoying each other (which I do) --- just time it right. Nothing is more fun than to say things like, "...Fuck you, Grandma." "Sid!??! What about the after sex drugs?????" "We need these." "If I ask you to, will you kill me?" or "...some Vietnam bullshit." It can be fun! Don't knock it till ya try it! After all, we all know that love kills and no one proved it better than Chole Webb and Gary Oldman as Sid & Nancy. ...Ok, now this is not going to be for everyone, but if you like your time spent on the edge and the idea of hot sex to the radiator Lady from EraserHead's song as performed by an odd British goth band - this is the album for you night of love. It can be fun. Go for this if you've shared more than 6 Valentines together. But, this is not for beginner couples. Ok? ...oh boy, Mr. Murat is hot and with very pretty melodies. Husky French voices -- can't go wrong here. I think he might be singing about horses and cars, but it feels like he is singing about the merger of bodies. Hot stuff and perfectly fine if no Arthur H. is handy. ...a double whammy of erotic tension and release when Isabelle Huppert and Murat go at it musically. Um, this is all about sex anyway so the French aspect just brings us to new lust and passion heights. You can almost smell the sex as the music plays. Featuring odd conversations, sounds of the street, subway trains and suspicious laughter. Hard to find, but worth it if you can. My monkey is now spent.

...but, Matt and your horny little monkey necklace, what do we play after we are both so spent from the shared joys and pleasures of the night????

Well, kids --- in my opinion you really only have two choices. It depends on just how spent you are and if you and your partner are true cuddlers. ...this is probably the best choice if you like to spoon into sleep. Can't go wrong with this choice. Smmmmmmoooth, but just a hint of distance. ...if you're both like me and just don't want the night to end --- this is the way to go. This is for the hardcore cuddle, kids. This is not a good CD for sex, but it is perfect for after. Hold each other. Break away to do just a bit more soft exploration to bring some fun joy to your lover as she/he is falling into sleep. This is an aural cocoon of love.

AND -- for the rest of us, the losers. ...the unlucky in love. ...the ones who are alone and without valentine lovers I offer the following suggestions:

Lots and lots of chocolate!
Viewings of either FATAL ATTRACTION or YOUR FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS
And, play Fleetwood Mac's RUMOURS really loud because it is the ultimate middle finger to love. Angry, upset, frustrated, lonely --- and, yet there is hope that love might be headed to us later on. Like, next year maybe???? Please?

22 Comments:

Blogger Dessie said...

(Humming)

I am a woman in love, and I'd do anything...

:-P

11:00 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Oh no, Dessie -- that's a very bad song for sex!

12:02 AM  
Blogger ing said...

For a very, very bad song for sex, click on "I Touch Myself" under "Noises" in my sidebar.

Does anyone else like to do it to Styx? To sort of remind them of junior high? (Yeah, like I was getting any in junior high.)

Me neither.

My favorite noise to do it to: crickets.

12:36 AM  
Blogger matty said...

...sometimes, when I know that no one is around --- I will jump about and sing along to "I Touch Myself" -- it's fun. Not sure if it is sexy tho. ...maybe if I had a pole and a blue spotlight. hmmmmm...

Can't say that Styx ever crosses my mind, but for me, junior high was all about LedZep, Beatles, Patti Smith Group and Fleetwood Mac. In 6th grade, I hung out with the 8th grade stoner boys. ...I used to sneak my love of Toni Basil into my house in the wee hours of morning so that no one knew my love of pop gone cheerleading.

7:06 AM  
Blogger snarl71 said...

MMMM - how about the entire Black Cherry album my Goldfrapp?

...and for individual songs, I still contend that Bob's Yer Uncle, by The Happy Monday's is sex via stereo speakers.

I want romance. Hell, I'm supposedly dating somebody and I don't get cock monkeys. I'd be lucky to get an email.

7:12 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Hmmmm... Yes, I did think of Goldfrapp, but not Black Cherry --- it just makes me wanna dance. However the first CD could be good. Maybe. No, I do not think I would seek out Goldfrapp for sex music.

The Happy Mondays?

7:30 AM  
Blogger ing said...

Okay, I hate this: when guys sort of thrust along in time to the music. It's just embarrassing. I think this only happens when me and the guy have smoked weed. . .

7:46 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Oh! I agree! One reason why dance records should be avoided. The music should add to the experience and be in the background.

Tho, I did have hot sex to Justify My Love once and it was sort of in pace with the beats.

8:06 AM  
Blogger ing said...

I wanna try it to Love Kills. Yow!

11:02 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

Who said anything about sex? You're such a slut Matty :p

I don't think it's possible to be hot to the words "I stumble and fall, but I give you my all". It just doesn't do it. And then there's Liza, dear sweet Liza. "Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor... Not going left, not going right". Sigh.

I think I might post a good Valentine's song on my page now you've given me the idea ;)

1:28 PM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

i LOVE the necklace matty - you are so totally cool. i want one just like it. do you mind if i copy your style??

don't worry about valentines - its all a bit silly really. i got some very nice flowers but the person signed their name - which surely defeats the whole purpose??

1:56 PM  
Blogger matty said...

ing -- YES! That can be quite fun! Even more fun, tho is to get off with one you want to the Poques singing "Haunted" ...by your ghost! mmmmmmm...
delicious!

Dessie -- Oh, you must have meant something on the light romantic side like "belly-rubbin'" as they say in Texas. Hmmm? I thought you meant having sex to "Woman In Love" which would be kind of Glenn Close like or something. Do you think I'm a slut? I don't mind, but I think a slut gets more action than me. I had a VERY hot, sensual and wonderous time this past Christmas for 3 days -- but it is now mid-Feb and not a bit of action for me! Most worrying.

Jungle Jane!!! I am so flattered! You're welcome to any of my "style" you like. However, you're the one with the true hot factor! And, yeah, I guess that the signature can be a bit of a let down --- but, hey! You got flowers!!!

...dessie's right. I am a slut. If someone were to send me flowers I would probably totally do them. But, safety first, kids!

Remember that classic Bonwater song which began and ended with Ann Magnuson (sp?) asking, "Am I slut?"

...ah, memories like the corners of mind. misty water-colored mem'ries of being a slut. But seldomly were my indescretions accompanied by the song stylings of Babs. ...excepting the Classical Barbra LP which I have listed as prime Valentine Loving music --- meaning sexual intimacy on Feb 14th.

Am I a slut?

3:24 PM  
Blogger ginab said...

Oh, my weak spot for sound: traffic at night, and street sounds, coming up through the fifth floor open window. I think my wish, "I don't want to sleep with anyone else", made about one year ago has come true.

And my poor Bode Miller, disqualified today for the gold. He'd spread his legs three yards in advance of a jump. He does that coming my way, and I will give him more than gold.

Music in street sounds...oh and I have a real soft spot for "Unchained Melody".

4:44 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

Mmm, I find a lot of music a little offputting .... like, I start picturing the singer in my mind, and no disrespect to Babs or anything, but I don't really want to think about porking her while I'm on the job.

4:53 PM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

matty i didn't mind that there was a signature. it's just that they were from the wrong person....

4:56 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Gina -- I had not thought of that song! I don't own it. But, wow -- YES, a great loving song. Now, why has someone of your intellect, spirit and smile stopped the pursuit of love. Email me.

Jungle Jane -- i'm sorry. In my haste to beat out my apple batter for my iBook I didn't write my thought out very well. I understood what you were saying. Even still. I'd rather have some flowers from a loser than none at all. In fact, I am about to go mug a homosexual and take her flowers! They are employed and don't need them. I can toss them some ferret meat in exchange, I guess.

Tim -- Aside from Jungle Jane and Gina -- you are the other person I most want to know what your musical choices would be for a night of hot lovin'. Please don't tell us you're a non-music love maker!!?!? That couldn't be! You love cool music too much. But, seriously, you will not think of Babs if you play the Classical CD -- very orchestral ambiance -- and it is all in french and some german. Very subdued, sensual and sexy. Trust me! I know I said that before, but this time you really can!

5:15 PM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

matty a night of hot lovin? well:

Guns 'n Roses, Metallica for sure, definitely Nine Inch Nails, Iggy Pop and then for some romance i guess a bit of Led Zeppelin?

7:21 PM  
Blogger ing said...

I can't imagine doin' it to The Pogues, but Jane might like a little Clutch.

I always loved that bongwater song "Obscene and Pornographic Art":

Mr. B's out of town and I can't find anyone to have an affair with, so I mosey on down to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to check out all the satyrs with hard ons.

Then there's Ween covering Prince:

Gonna make you beg, gonna make you spread your legs, gonna want it, gonna get it, and you'll never regret it.

Woo-doggie (as I imagine they say in Texas)!

I'll be back on Friday, Matt -- we'll see the new Lars Von Trier this weekend. And I'll watch Suddenly Last Summer tonight, I swear!

10:36 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Jungle Jane! Excellent pix! I love the demo of "Suck" by NIN and what could be better than "Kashmir"?!!??

ing -- Oh, this is the short-lived era of Pogues where they had a female lead singer and they seemed to be going for an almost Cocteau Twins like sound on this song from SID & NANCY. Ah, Bongwater! All praise! I've a story regarding Bongwater -- I shall share it tomorrow!!! Every one should own a copy of THE POWER OF PUSSY! sigh...
I miss Shimmy Disc, King Missle, Damon & Naomi (pre-major label) and WEEN (pre-major label as well) ...and, who could forget Shockabilly!?!?!?

11:40 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Oh, I forgot Missy Misdemeanor Elliott:

You're girl acting stink, then call me over. Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa. Call before you come, I need to shave my chocha. You do or you dont or you will or wontcha. Go downtown and eat it like a vulture.

Yeah!

12:13 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

I have that same necklace. Bought it for myself years ago!

5:52 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Jodi -- Do you know if the necklace means anything? Is is a cutlural piece or novelty? Am just curious. I've been wearing it ever since I received it. Have gotten used to it. Somehow, it feels 'apart' of me.

7:49 AM  

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