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Monday, February 06, 2006


Not to continue to beat the Self Pity Drum, whine, bitch or moan anymore than I already have for the past 2 years, but who put on a curse on me and why?

I just want to know. And, what in the hell do I need to do to break it??!?! Voo-du?

I think I'm a pretty upbeat/positive person. It's hard to knock me down. I simply force myself out of bed, put on a smile and push forward. And, I will continue to do so. And, believe me, I KNOW things could always be a hell of a lot worse. I am blessed with great friends who give me much love. And, I do understand that things will always work out. And, sooner or later things are going to stabilize ---- But, Jesus! I can't seem to get a break!

Aside from a number of other annoying challenges which I seem to have no control over -- The last two business days were taken over and wasted by a possible job thru an agency. Friday and today I was up at 7am, in my suit and at the ready. ...but was told to just sit tight. ...and, I did. Until about 1pm or so today when I realized that this "interview" was not going to happen and that this other temp agency I had FINALLY found that felt they could utilize me no longer wanted to meet with me because I postponed my interview with them three times --- all for this possible interview with times that kept changing or being delayed.

I don't want to go into any level of detail on this, but I thought I had shut the door on this whole thing. Now, they want me to "chat" with them again. ...Get this, to set up a "possible" time to meet. Can I be available tomorrow??? ARGHHHH!!!! ...the sad thing is that there is nothing else waiting for tomorrow. Other than another day of sending out resumes, making phone calls, etc.

I'm tired of being broke, out of work and living in a friend's spare room.

I'm tired of bad news.

...if one more shoe drops I'm going to kick it right back up at the sky.

I want no more drunken calls.
I want no more family tragedies.
I want no more debt issues.
I want not to speak to another lawyer.
I want no more unemployment
I want no more jerk-off/bullshit corporate games.

Oh, and, is it too much to ask to have a cell phone that works? I'm sorry I lost my nice one during the holidays, but why can't I get one that works?!!? I feel retarded constantly saying, "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

And, you know what? ...I want just 4 hours free of any major worry. Just 4 hours. I know this happens for some people. It used to happen for me. I do not even need a full day. Just 4 hours will do for now.

I want a job.

Nothing special. Just a job with a basic medical and dental plan. I'll work at the Nob Hill Cinema or Tit World. I don't care. I just need a job.

Just a bit of stability and a place to call my own. That's all. Really. No fooling.

It has been a rough couple of years. I've rolled with the punches.

Joke's on me. I get it. Now, I just want to move forward without having to keep rolling back!

Essentially, I want my life back. NOW, please.

(a pillow to the wall)

(deep breath)

(counting back from 10 to 1)

(i am a child of the universe)

(in with love out with anger)

...keep moving forward. But, please give me a fucking break! (Sorry, excuse my language)

Ok, I feel a little better now.

Back to the grind. Bring it on. As per usual, I'm ready to tumble. Dukes are up. But, I hope. I really hope I can stop fighting against the slope soon. It's getting very tired.

No more of that. I am done with my online vent. No more complaining. I'm healthy. I'm fine. Don't anybody be worrin' about me. I am fine. Just tired.

The steam has been blown. It's all good.


Blogger snarl71 said...

I know the past few years have been complete HELL. You're a trooper and I now things will pull through for you.

Um, you're getting drunken calls? from who?

7:14 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Ah, Sweetpea. I'm right there with you - literally, figuratively, spiritually, emotionally, financially - right effing there with you. Ah feel yaw pain. It's everything in me to not write about my situation because it is so embarrassing and there are so few people i want to share my thoughts with about it. You're braver, gorgeous-er, and wiser than I am - you're going to make it. There is a lesson somewhere in it all, but I'm a bad student so I do not have much hope for myself, but you're going to come out on top of it, I just know it.

Much love Matty - wish you were closer. xxoo

7:24 AM  
Blogger ginab said...

And then there's the complete lack of having any sense of solace. No one understands "skint" because no one out there is broke. It took me a little over two years to shake the curse of living on rock bottom and being beaten and starved there in every figurative way, and yet I am still afraid: do I really eat out for lunch?

I think America is one giant corp for running the world. Us minions, well...I have not made you feel better Matty, and I had meant to.

I heard a company was pleased with your straightforwardness ... and I was feeling fab all over for you. I'm betting the case is still true.

8:48 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Karl -- sent ya an email.

Karyn -- thank you, but you're by far wiser than me. we are both going to be fine! I'm totally cool now. Just had to vent. But, if Tit World will not hire me I am in trouble!!!

Gina -- Yeah, it's tough out here in the world. How does one get ahead when you slip off track? Second chances are hard to come by in the new century. However, it will be fine! Yes, they responded to my being a hard ass. 5 years ago I would have liked that, but I am just tired of working for Type A's. I will "chat" with him if there is a solid time given. I am in jeans/sweater today. Am not changing and sitting with my crappy cell all day. But, if it works out that we can actually chat -- i will. I am in no position to turn away from anything. However, the thought does strike me that he might just be worried that the agency could turn on him because he signed a contract with them I should think. bleh. Whatever. I'll get a job. And, I am certain that there is more I can sell to support myself and my need of escape to the movies!!! Good news is that there is nothing to see at the moment! LOL!

8:59 AM  
Blogger ing said...

Child of the universe:

What really gets me is how they took (or take) advantage of the fact that you're looking and will probably do a lot of their bidding because you need a job so badly. You should never be treated this way.

Okay, since you didn't have plans today anyway, let today slide. Also know that yes, you need work and money, but you're shopping just as much as they're shopping. So they have to please you.

Ask if they need help at Pasta Gina's on 24th and Diamond -- I'll check, too. They loved me there (I only stayed for three weeks), and I'll of course put in a good word if they're hiring. Know that there are a lot of stores on 24th & I'm always keeping an eye out for something temporary for you.

Ginab knows whereof she speaks -- keep in touch with her.

I'm sorry about the drunk phone calls, but Matty, I'm pretty much always drunk, so it's hard to avoid. ( :

The universe owes you bigtime. Just be prepared. It might not be nice to you for a while yet. It hasn't done much for me in the last year or so.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

I'm hugging you so hard I almost broke on of your ribs.

I'll send a package, one day I swear I'll get my arse in gear and do it. I can't have you feeling bad.


10:22 AM  
Blogger matty said...

ing -- thank you!!!! yeah, i was up way too late last night. think i might take a little nap then head out to check for jobs in the shops. Tomorrow back to the job boards, etc. ...and, you can call me drunk anytime! LOL!

dessie - I'm OK, really. Promise! You're such a sweetie!

10:45 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Lol, maybe Dessie and I can drum up some support over here and collect some shoe boxes full of tinned food, like the Churches do at harvest, only they send them to eastern Europe, but we'll send them to SF!!

5:22 PM  
Blogger Dessie said...

lol I'd forgotten all about Harvest Festival, baked beans were mandatory!!

Maybe we should go halves on hiring Matty for the evening - I'm sure we could find a use for him :-P

11:16 PM  

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