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Monday, February 13, 2006

Notes from a penthouse

"...Apparently I am not to be trusted in the presence of Rock. At least that is what Roddy told me. He is back in LA making a movie with him. Something about pretty maids. I forget the guy's name who is directing it but he loves Roddy. He was kind of hot, but I guess he is really straight. But, everyone loves Roddy. Everyone. It is sort of boring. Oh yeah! Roger Vadimer! That's the guy's name. I guess he was married to Jane Fonda. Last week Roddy let me join he and Roger for dinner. But, I had to come in the back door and sit by that Natalie Wood lady. She's pretty and knows Bette Davis even better than Roddy, but I've yet to get to meet Miss D. That Roger guy had a bit too much to drink. Roddy and Natalie were dancing. Photo opp for Rod to look straight. Whatever. But, Roger told me that he made Jane Fonda. That's kind of cool. He said he made some other lady but I can't even pronounce her name much less spell it. He thought of that Barbarella thing! That was a groovy movie! I guess Jane Fonda has one of his kids and won't let him see the little boy. That sucks, but Roger is kind of creepy.

Anyway, Joshie has been on a gig with Rock for about a year now. I was thinking it would be really far out to finally get to hang with him again! And, from what Joshie tells me, Rock gives great presents! But, Roddy threatened to fire me if I stayed in LA. I think he is jealous of Rock. From what J tells me he should be! And Joshie doesn't have to do things in the kitchen or wear costumes. But, I guess it is kind of sweet that Rod doesn't want to share me anymore. I never thought of myself like a whore, but I guess I am. Or was? No, I guess I am. This beats my dad's hardware store any day. So, I don't care.

I think Rod is just happy he doesn't have to wear that monkey make-up or talk to that Kim Huntly actress. No, is it Hunter? I never can remember her name. I think she is in love with Rod. That is a real turn off for Roddy. I thought it was kind of cute.

So, Roddy gave up the place in New York so he told me he got me a job assisting this 'sweet' lady. He promised me as he left at the airport that I was going to be working for the grande dame of Broadway. I was thinking he meant that cool chick who sang Frank Mills in Hair. I love her. Can't remember her name, though. But, I know Roddy so I was thinking it was probably some old lady like Mary Martin. Ugh! But, Dear Diary, It is much worse!

I am working for Ethel Merman.

Every morning it's the same thing. She bangs on my door, comes in and starts yacking at me. She follows me from the bedroom to the shower to the kitchen and then to this room and she never stops yacking. She's not mean or anything but she's just lonely and loud.

Get this! I am so dying to talk to Danny or Joshie! Ethel Merman is a dyke!

I want to like her cause she has great taste in women. She keeps telling me about her affair with Jacqueline Susann!!! Who knew? But, I guess it didn't work out well. Mr. Susann took out a restraining order or something like that so that Ethel couldn't see her anymore. That is such a downer. I would love to meet Jacqueline Susann! That is the only book I've ever read. Ethel told me that my favorite character is based on her!!! I guess it is the only book Ethel ever read too.

Ethel said that she might be able to get me in to meet her, but we'll have to sneak about it. She wants me to deliver this box of chocolates and I am supposed to leave this letter opener in the door so Ethel won't have to bother knocking. Which I totally understand because Ethel does not knock she bangs! Loudly! I was thinking it would be easier if I just slipped Miss Susann a note to let her know that Ethel was waiting outside for her, but I guess Ethel wants to surprise her with this letter opener. It kind of looks like a knife, though. Hmmmm...

This room kind of gives me the creeps. It reminds me of The Master's house. Miss Coward is such a drag. Literally. Anyway, everything is really red and heavy. But, Ethel smells better than Miss Priss and her husband. Dear Diary, I have to remember to tell you about the bear suit incident with Noel and his evil troll, Graham. It wasn't my fault that Noel got so excited he blew one. If it was anybody's fault I think it was Joshie's. But, that troll got all pissy when he found out how much Noelie was paying us. Joshie and I split and I called Roddy. He was reallyl cool about it, but he didn't let me bring Joshie with me. Roddy made a call and got Joshie the thing with Rock.

Anyway, last night Ethel sang. All night long. I swear the lamps on the walls were shaking she was so loud. She wanted me to tell her all about Roddy. Like really personal things. Not sure why, but it was really important to her. She was on the kitchen phone for a while after I answered her questions.

I went ahead and answered all of her questions because -- oh, dear Diary, this makes me so excited! Ethel is going to introduce me to Twiggy!!! Finally!!! I told her that this is my life's dream. Twiggy is the greatest! The only thing is I might have to do Tommy Tune. Whatever. Ethel told me that Andy Warhol might be there to film it but that would be far out! I wonder if I could meet Joe Dallesandro or Holly Woodland. Oh, who cares! I just want to meet Twiggy!

Oh boy. Ethel's back. There is some guy with her and it doesn't sound like her driver.

I'm back. I'm in trouble, I guess. I was really polite but I guess I failed the test or something. Who is David Marrick, anyway?That was the first time I've seen Ethel get bitchy. He is a bitch for sure. Sounds like he is a stage manager or something. She pushed me back into this room and told me to be quiet while she tried to make things better.

I guess I am supposed to go with this Marrick guy to hang out with Tommy Tune. I hope Roddy doesn't call while I am gone. But, Ethel told me not to worry. She said she would take care of everything. Kind of strange he hasn't called me today. He must be busy with that movie. Still not sure what I am supposed to do for Ethel. I guess I am keeping her company. No one seems to like her much. There is a really cool picture of Judy Garland hanging up in here. Judy signed it. It says 'to my favorite kitty, Judy' What does that mean? Anyway, I guess Judy likes her!

Oh, I have to go. I am being summoned! Whenever I do get to meet Twiggy I hope she grooves to all that I've done just to meet her!


Blogger jungle jane said...

well you might be a whore matty but NEVER let it be said you are a cheap whore. no. not even for jacqueline.

although i am slightly miffed - i don't understand WHY you have such a crush on that one novel wonder when there is rock start me ready and willing.

8:35 PM  
Blogger k said...

OMG, the missing chapters of Answered Prayers. I am so excited.


9:05 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Jungle Jane! Well, I wish I were a whore. I might have a bit of money. I think I am more of a slut. ...this and the other piece are old pieces or lame attempts at fiction from back when I was in college and into the late 90's. I had nothing to blog about so I decided to transcribe my messy writing from faded sheets of yesteryear. ...but, to your suggestion, the narrator does eventually make it over to Rock's!

Kai! ...I don't think I am going to translate any more of the pieces. I don't like them. And, Thomas found the narrator bitchy. I had intended him to be stupid -- not bitchy. Everyone else was meant to be bitchy. So, I think I failed. I am not fishing here --- but, I think I am a weak writer. I am better to rant or ramble. ...He never does get to meet Twiggy. However, I think I only got him up to about 1978.

9:17 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Your fiction is funny! But you know, your nonfiction is much funnier. Lots of fiction writers -- well, all of them, really -- begin with something true.

I want to meet Jaqueline Susann too! As for Twiggy, I wouldn't mind looking like her. What do you think she was like in person?

7:56 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

I bet she was hungry.

9:36 AM  
Blogger matty said...

ing - yeah, but my "true" is not so interesting as it is tragic. LOL!

karyn - LOL!

I've absolutely no clue about Twiggy. Her name has always amused me. She was pretty good in AbFab. Oh, and Karyn -- she is not so thin anymore. More of a normal body-type. Of course she's gotta be pushin' 60 at this point. Like Olivia Newton John, she's still cute.

10:39 AM  
Blogger ing said...

I need to see this AbFab you keep mentioning. . . is it on DVD yet?

11:04 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Oh, Ing --- I simply MUST introduce you to the world of AbFab! And, yes -- all are on DVD. ...Honey, it's been on the air via the BBC since the early 90's. We've a lot of viewing to do! The first 3 series were the classics that gave us the concept of chanting as we speak, knitting needles and the ultimate fashion victims. And, who can forget -- "Oi! Bitch Nurse!" ?!?!? And, dear Patsy -- the Fash Mag Slag -- a post now occupied by my dear friend Jon in NYC.

But, the later shows have not been so popular. LuLu was replaced by Twiggy who was then replaced Baby Spice -- all of whom played themselves. LuLu was the best at playing herself, but major props to Twiggy for wearing the "FISTING ACROSS AMERICA!" t-shirt.

I kind of like the newer shows more. They are really getting into the darker corners of aging and the darker the comedy -- the more I laugh.

3:30 PM  

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