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Friday, February 10, 2006


"...despite the beauty surrounding me, or perhaps because of it I feel so conflicted.

When 'ELiz' insisted I join she and her on this little cruise last year I had no idea it would last a full six months. Oh, and, yes --- there was Last Night! After she received that telegram from R and threw that dish of rabbit stew (who knew they had rabbits in Greece??!?!) into Paolo's face she screamed that we were no longer to call her 'Liz'. Apparently we are now meant to call her 'ELiz'. I don't know. Joshie made the mistake of calling her 'hon' as he always does when he mixes her Dirty Liz drink (I think it is quite similar to a Dirty Mary only far less tomato juice) ---- I thought she was going to kill the poor baby! But, instead, she just pulled the celery stick out of the glass and told him to drop his 'drawers' and bend over. Well, I left the room and headed up on deck which is where I have remained for the day. Just taking in the rays of this glorious sun. I always find it amusing when ELiz slips and uses grandma-like words such as 'drawers' --- she takes such pride on being a right on groovin' chick! R finally got her to stop painting those little peace signs all over the yacht.

Shit. ELiz just stumbled by. She leaned into my tanned face with her manicured fingers toying with my left nipple and whispered, 'Matty, did you select my scarf for the day?' Of course I had. She's wearing it. Ugh! I picked out that orange one with the giant purple grapes painted all over it. I thought it would go well with the one piece Danny picked up for her last week when she sent us into Athens to pick up magazines and beer.

However, she is still in her Madi-Hari Mode. It was cute for about a day, but I do so tire of her walking about the deck holding those pearls over her face and asking all of us to kiss her. Paolo should have known his time was up when she asked him to kiss her ass. Roddy took a stunning picture, though! He developed it in that room that only he and Liz (uh, I mean, ELiz) are allowed to go. I wonder what's in that room. Maybe I don't really want to know.

Anyway, she gave me this glossy that Roddy gave to her. She does look fabulous, but all I can only think of her numerous demands as I look at it. Holy shit. Please don't tell me she's put on that poncho thing again! That so does not go with the scarf! Fuck it. Who cares. She's tanked anyway. Still pissed that Jackie turned down the invite. We were all relieved. She was going to have us all get out of our short-shorts and wear 'proper waiter outfits' ...shudder!

You know, I remember asking her what it was I was supposed to be doing for her. When she told me I was to be in charge of selecting her daily scarves I suspected it might get a bit dull. However, the woman has over 25, 000 on this boat alone! I don't even know how many she has back at the villa! But, it is considerably more. She actually has a scarf room. That's where I sleep if Roddy is pissed at me and Danny is otherwise involved. We had to leave poor R behind after Paolo showed up with that milk delivery. R really puts up with a lot. However, from what we can gather, he is on his way back to the yacht for dinner this evening.

Paolo was already escorted back to shore by that goon she calls the captain. I seriously doubt those facial burn wounds will heal. So much for his modeling career.

You know, dear journal, it was a whole month into this Greek Journey that Joshie told me what I was really meant to do. I still can't believe I've been hired to serve Roddy McDowell's Boy Toy. At first I thought it was love. But, as Joshie says, 'De's no luv here, baby!' He does make me laugh even as I cry. Yeah, I guess Danny was terminated from the Roddy Gig when he pulled that little stunt with Tab Hunter. I guess ELiz warned him that Rod and Tab had a bit of a history. However, we all know what man-sluts he and Tab are! Actually, it is fun when ELiz starts in on bitching about the scene she, R and Roddy discovered in the kitchen. And, Roddy gets sooooo mad, but he wouldn't dare call her on it! He is still pissed that she didn't kick Danny back to London. The thing is that Danny is very gifted. Say what you like, but ELiz knows that sort of talent when she sees it. She values us more than that mean old Guru she keeps in the cabin next door to her.

This wine is really good. And, so are these little cake-like things which I am unable to pronounce. It's all Greek to me! I know, that is so corny. But, Roddy does love my cliches.

I had to come up here today, tho. I am in no mood for Rod today.

Man, I was so excited when he kissed me last night. He was so passionate and the glow of the moon was so romantic! Then, as he traced my throat with his tongue, he told me he had a special gift for me. A ring? A trip out of this dull paradise? A villa I can call my own? A real job, perhaps?

No! ....He gave me this old publicity photo which he autographed to 'Sally'

--- I think because that makes ELiz laugh. Sally was, apparently, this rich bitch who liked to hang out with her. She used to select ELiz's scarves. I gather all was fine till ELiz caught R slurping orange juice off Sally's tits. I guess that's when R got kicked to the Greek curb.

I wonder what happened to Sally? No one seems to know. Joshie said he last saw her crying on deck two with ELiz. But he assured me that Elis was comforting her. And, ELiz and R were the very first to post reward money for her safe return. But, sadly she is still missing. Orange juice is no longer allowed here or at the villa.

Ugh! Roddy has joined me on the deck. He is actually trying to crawl on top of me as I write. I pushed him off.

He's off on another bitch rant about the fact that he has to play a monkey or something in some movie when "we" get back to the states. Shit! He just spilled iced tea all over my copy of HELLO magazine! I had so wanted to read about Twiggy. Now, there is a diva I could work for! Closer to my own age and I don't think she's into sitting on boat for day's on end.

Oh, and here comes that old man. Danny told me that he heard ELiz promising him that she could get either me or Joshie to give him a rub down later. Yuck. But, I guess he is someone of import. Roddy tells me that Joshie, Danny and I are total idiots to not drop to our knees and worship this bitchy old queen. What's his name? Noel Koward? Noel Caward? I can't remember. But it is something like that. I don't know. All I know is that it totally sucks when he convinces ELiz to start singing.

Well, the sun is shifting. Roddy is playing with my hair and Miss Koward is going on about some argument with R and that Eliz better take care of it or Miss Priss is ditching this gig. Ah, ha! I knew she was on the payroll! But, he is so fucking old!

Roddy is trying to pry the pen out of my hand. He's been trying to read my journal since he found it in my bag. And, that is all I need. Can you imagine the shit that would hit my fan if he read about that incident with Danny and Tab. I mean, that was back in Italy. I didn't know! But, he is so tres silly. He wouldn't take that into account. I would just become an evil whore.

Oh, shit. ELiz is braying on about how the scarf clashes with her poncho. She may be tight but she still has her fashion wits about. Still can't figure out what she sees with that poncho. Danny told me it belonged to that James Dean guy. Who cares? It's a poncho. That is so '68!

Good night, my dear journal. I must go see about a new scarf, refill Ms. Koward's glass and meet Roddy in his cabin -- all within the next fifteen minutes. All I can say is that this better get me a role on that TV show! Roddy promised if I learned how to do that thing with the olive bottle he would put in a word.

And, we both know I've mastered that sick little act. I think I must have the internal bruising to prove it!

I wonder if R will have a copy of this HELLO with him when he arrives. I know he has a bit of a thing for T. Who could blame him?!?!? She is so 'it' -- I mean, she is simply destined to be THE movie star! Roddy was going on about how upset he was that she requested Avedon to do her new publicity shots, but what I can't figure out is -- does he want to be a movie star or a fashion photographer? I mean, make up your mind.

Rod is such a baby. I think it will be funny to see him in a monkey costume. Oh, excuse me -- I guess we are to call it a state of the art ape costume. ...and he gets to wear a high fashioned suit. ??? Talking apes in designer mens wear. Oh, how the mighty fall.

I am quite honestly sighing aloud.

I must close for now -- A hot pink scarf, an empty olive bottle and a greased-up former child star awaits entertainment in his cabin. I sure hope Danny was lying about Eliz and R setting up hidden cameras in all the cabins. That would be so tacky and yet oddly wonderful all at once.

Oh, I hate to leave my lounger. It is so pretty here. But, duty calls.

Twiggy, please rescue me!


Blogger Karyn said...

Matt - this is nothing a'tall like my trip to the Mediterranean. Next time come with me and we'll visit George @ Lake Como, okay? This is too weird and distressing and sad for me. We need bliss! Joy! Sun! George! xxooxxoo

7:11 PM  
Blogger thomas said...

Did they have showers in the rooms on the yacht? I’m not even considering being anyone’s boy toy if there isn’t a shower in the room. I would SO need to feel clean after Roddy climbed on top of me. And the olive jar? Oh my god, now that’s talent. A little more practice and you’d be up to a mayonnaise jar.

9:13 PM  
Blogger SME said...

Odd, I was just thinking of Twiggy this morning. She's the cutest swizzle stick in existence.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Dessie said...

::speechless and confounded::

11:45 PM  
Blogger ing said...

That Eliz sounds like a hard woman to work for. I bet if you threw her pearls overboard, that'd stop her for a while.

Are you sure that's Roddy McDowell? I think he's really Crispin Glover.

I'd wear James Deans' poncho. I mean, if you're wondering. . .

12:07 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Karyn -- Yeah, it can be sad to serve as Roddy McDowell's butt-boy, but if one gets to pick out scarves for Liz Taylor! ...well, that kind of makes up for it. Actually, always thought Mr. M was kinda hot.

Thomas --- I don't know. I should think there would have been sunken bathtubs. I wrote this little piece so long ago. Just decided to share the warmth as I think I scraped the bottom of the blog barrel when I created a post devoted to Streisand's ass.

sme -- Hi! Twiggs always did and still rocks! Fists Across America!

Dessie -- I told you I couldn't write!

ing -- I bet if I tossed Ms. Taylor's pearls overboard I'd be facing the same fate as Sally! Hmmmm... Never thought of the resemblence, but I've always thought Glover was kinda hot, too. And, all the better -- he is still alive. Yeah, I'd wear that poncho, too. And, yes, I had been wondering.

1:47 AM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

nice work, Matty. although the scarf sounds vile - did you have a temporary lapse in good taste? full marks for managing to remember the annoying E in Eliz. I don't suppose you ever dared to call her Lizzie just for kicks?

3:50 PM  
Blogger josh williams said...

Ya know Matt I enjoy your posts, you write well and stuff like that and stuff. But ya know I cant help but notice you do not mention Ferret Legging one time. Not once in any of your posts or comments. I am thick skinned and can take the slight but I still feel like ya dont even take the sport seriously. Kind Regards JW

7:14 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Jungle Jane -- Well, you know --- it was the late 60's. That scarf seemed so chic at the time. And, no! I would never call her that. ...at least, not to her face. You don't want to screw with her! I think Joshie called her a dyke back in '70 or whenever she did that queer scene with Mia Farrow. ...And, Jane, no one has seen or heard from Joshie since.

Josh! Thanks! Well, you know I would never want to make you feel bad -- especially as my commander. I was going to write about Ferret Legging the other day, but I'm still kind of upset over that error I made on the 5th yard of the field. By the way, how do I get the blood off the flovots? I tried using Windex but that just made the red sort of go all orange. And, being unemployed I can't afford a new pair. I guess I should just own up and discuss the tragic mis-step I made, but I am so worried of being judged. Maybe if I went ahead and wore the regulation sandals the whole thing could have been avoided. I'm still pretty down about it.

I still think that ing would be a great left bagger for Ferret Legging. But, I don't know that she will want to invest the money in a set of flovots -- especially as they are pink and all.

11:47 PM  
Blogger ing said...

I will only wear the orange flovots with the purple grapes on them. No more, no less. As you I'm sure know.

Will someone please refresh my drink before I have to stop this ship?

2:33 AM  
Blogger matty said...

ing -- I put in an order for those flovots for you. Do you think Commander Josh will not cancel the next planned game?

5:38 PM  
Blogger ing said...

He better not! He may be your commander, but to me he's just a book reviewer extraordinaire and the one thing that stands between me and that Roscoe kid.

Hey Matt: who do you think is more lovely, Elizabeth Taylor or Sophia Loren?

8:39 PM  
Blogger matty said...

ing -- Commander Josh reviews books?!?!? Did he review WAR AND PEACE?

I think Sophia Loren is by far the more beautiful woman. Plus she has a sort of class that Ms. Taylor could never sustain. ...but, Ann-Margret. Now, there is the ultimate hottie. I think it far better to be a sex kitten than symbol or vixen. Taylor was sort of a vixen, Loren was a symbol -- but Ann-Margret was a kitten and she sometimes had a whip!

8:56 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Okay, so what about Catherine Deneuve -- sex kitten?

Master/commander Josh has written many a review, which he then posts on Amazon. Generally, one out of every four people find his reviews helpful.

12:26 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Hmmmm. Well, I think Ms. Deneuve is quite simply a Goddess. She is almost too ethereal to be "sex'd' up in a way. Tho, not completely so as she is France personified. In fact, I do believe she was made the grande symbol of French beauty in the early 90's --- it was some strange honor bestowed upon her by the country. She is ice cool, baby!

Wow -- Commander Josh writes for Amazon! I wonder if he has reviewed THE BARBRA STREISAND SCRAPBOOK? ...or FEAR IN THE HILLS: THE FILM CAREER OF JOAN CRAWFORD???? ...Actually, I wonder if there has ever been a book written/published by that name? If not, I feel I should write is so that Commander Josh can then review it and assist one of every four people who might read it.

I am completely unispired for a new blog posting. I do fear i will have to subject folks to another bit of my writings of non-depth and cruel celeb fantasies of yester-year.

12:48 AM  

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