GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TO THE STARS: MEMO TO ANTONY & THE JOHNSONS!

Well, my mission continues. My desire to be consultant to the start is just bound to pay off if I keep at it! Right? ...stop making fun of me. I can hear you laughing from here. Well, a boy has to dream. As I was walking all 8 of the miles from my interview back to the BART station my iPod Shuffle brought me great inspiration and the need to share this with sweet Antony!

OK, Antony -- you are not really in need of major counseling as I think you are just about perfect!

Your first CD was great! No wonder Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson were so taken with you!




...and, that odd little "ep" you released after the first CD was cool --- eccentric, odd, fun and interesting. You knew to wet their appetite didn't you, baby? Good job! A bit of a tiny slip up on that drag queen compilation, but no one noticed so it was ok.



However, your official second CD, "I Am A Bird Now"

is the closest thing to genius I've heard in years! To be quite honest, I think this CD will turn out to be one of the classics of the era. Beautiful, sad, haunting, stunning melodies and talent spills from every track! If someone is reading this and hasn't picked it up they need to ASAP. Breathtaking CD and I would find it interesting to meet anyone who could say they just didn't like it. And, if there is a heaven (and, I hope there is!) Candy Darling is looking down loving your use of her image on the cover! Somehow that lovely/sad picture just totally fits the CD!

And, you've won the Mercury Prize! Congrats! But, honey, this is where my guidance begins.

1. The publicity of the Mercury Prize is cool and all, but the winning of the prize could spell career doom! Let's not forget M People won it too. And look what happened with PULP and Suede after they won! Now, is the most important moment in your career! Yes, the all important third album! So, stay cool. This comes naturally to you and stick with that sweet humble attitude when interviewed!

2. No more photo ops with folks like Bette Midler or game show hosts! Darling, what were you thinking?!?!? Stop it! Also, don't get too close to OASIS! If you must strike a pose with a Brit Pop Iconic Band -- go with BLUR or Radiohead. At least then you won't have to worry about getting bashed or anything.

3. Stop courting the mainstream! Think Bjork/Tori Amos with a cock! ...in a frock. But, please -- don't write a rambling book with a post-feminist rock critic or allow Catherine Deneuve catch you hiding in a closet trying to eat your costume! And, for God's sake --- stay away from Matthew Barney. Cool artist, perhaps. But, a fragile soul as yours needs to stay away from that level of the avant guard! Bjork can handle it. And, Tori can deal with Trent Reznor --- stay away from the dark side!

3. For your third CD I suggest an album of covers. Yes, yes -- well all know what happened when another talented artiste did this -- But, poor Sinead should have never tried to work with Eno. That collaboration only sounded good in concept. In theory it was a train wreck waiting to happen. Also, the choice of material covered was just riddled with error and problems. I mean, what were they thinking having her cover Tammy Wynette?!?! Let's face it! That was a tough order for Tammy herself! No, I've some ideas that I feel will promise you much success and you fly right by the Mercury Prize/Third Album Curse!

4. These are the songs which I feel you should record!
a. "Boys In The Trees" --- capture all that eroticism that Carly's voice couldn't convey. She wrote a stunning song, but you can bring all that unrequited lust and longing up in ways Ms. Simon never contemplated! Take it over, baby!
b. "Love Will Keep Us Together" --- get CHICKS ON SPEED to record this track with you. Let them produce and arrange it. Just go with it! It will be way cool! Just hide if you should run into Toni Tennille. I don't think she will care for it. No need to worry about the Captain. He won't care.
c. "Where Will I Be" --- you would do great with a Daniel Lanois song!
d. "Without Your Love" -- Yeah, Roger Daltrey's one solo hit. You know I think it would be as the San Francisco college kids say, "hella cool" if you were to play Roger Daltrey's record in the background --- play it just loud enough so that the listener can just barely hear it. And, you just sing along right by the microphone. Has this been done before? If it hasn't it should have been and it will rock!
e. "Do Ya Wanna Funk" -- but go acapella on this one! No instruments at all. Just your voice -- and slow it down. Take some disco funk and make it sad! Make Sylvester proud!
f. "Happy Together" ...but without any irony. Just sing the hell out of it! Happy! You can do it!
g. "Ordinary Girl" -- but with a chamber orchestra. Maybe Alison Moyet would sing backing/harmony vocal for/with you! That would be tres cool!
h. "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" --- but duet it with Marrianne Faithfull. Only have her sing the Neil Diamond part and you take on the female portions! This would be really interesting! Just be sure to have plenty of cigs and champagne available for Marrianne!
k. "Chains" ...I know the Carole King songbook may not appeal to you, but imagine this as a duet with Peaches!!!! Yes!!!!
l. "Coffee Homeground" -- twisted Kate Bush song. This is ideal material for you!
m. And, for the closer, "Strange Fruit" --- Now, this one is a very tall order that most screw up! My suggestion is to get an American producer like a Phil Ramone to come up with a really ironic pseudo-samba arrangement. However, you perform this song with the dignity it requires and deserves. This is one of the most tragic and important songs ever recorded. So, treat it right!

5. It is my opinion that those folks in the UK tend to have better taste when it comes to music and comedy. We are talking music here, but stick with releasing it in the UK first! Make the American market grave it!

6. Now, the title of this third CD should be "Antony & The Johnsons Under the Covers" --- and I see a bed with what looks like a body sleeping under the sheets --- with some blood spilling out from under the bed. And, ask Harmony Korine to write liner notes to accompany each song.

Go forth talented young man and kick some ass!

No fee required. But you could send me blow up of the cover of your second CD with an autograph. But, please, frame it before you send it to me. Don't be cheap!




So, I didn't get a that job today. I have to say that my $5 shoes looked quite good after I polished them up! Does anyone know of any openings in a celebrity think tank?!?!? I would do well and this! Until that happens -- someone! Let me manage your office, but you need to pay me enough to live in this beautiful city!!!!