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Tuesday, January 24, 2006


I can't figure out what gets my mojo up. I do not have a "type"

I just know when I meet a guy who turns me on. I think it usually has more to do with the smile, the voice and the intellect of the person. But, I guess that is not always true. From time to time something will strike me as being really hot (aka 'sexy') which puzzles me. I shall over two examples. One real and the other created by my own brain during REM.

Real Sexy Thing: This nice looking guy in jeans, brown sweater and a blue jacket --- I would guess about 50 and balding. He was walking a little dog that he had dressed in a tiny little doggie coat. I was leaning against a storefront window waiting for the bus. The little dog was doing her "business" and an elderly lady walked by the man who smiled at her and said, "Hello, dear" ---- and, I don't know. I just thought he was so hot at that moment. Now, why would that strike me as sexy? But, I would totally go out on a date with that guy.

Dream Sexy Thing: Now this is even more strange. I dreamt that Lars Von Trier and I were about to make out. We were in this cozy place on pillows. I was wishing he was Mickey Rourke circa his infamous arrest instead. But, any man who creates a film like BREAKING THE WAVES and DANCER IN THE DARK is worth a shag. Odd electronica music was playing. I was looking at Lars as he leaned in to kiss me and I noticed Rhoda's husband, Joe, sitting on a pillow across from us. I put my palm out to Lars' chest and stopped the kiss because I just knew I had to have Rhoda's husband. In the dream I kept thinking, "I hope we're up to the second to last season so that they are divorced" ....and, Lars called out, "You're going to hurt Rhoda!" And, I am sure Nancy Walker was going to hurt me but Joe was too sexy to resist! And, then, I woke up...

Now, what's sexy about any of that?


Blogger Dessie said...


No, I can't add to that. Just, erm.

2:47 PM  
Blogger matty said...

well, I said I knew it was odd!

8:27 PM  
Blogger joe said...

I'm sorry, Lars Von Trier is more torturous than sexy. by the way, was this dream set on a sound stage? I do agree, though, it's hard to tell sometime what one's type. sometimes you just have that chemistry, spark or that guy is giving off some kind of attractive energy. that's why I'm so in love with your blog. it gives off that sweaty rerun feeling, like when you watch reruns of Family Ties and you dream that billy vera and the beaters were singing at your prom while you look into the eyes of some hot guy. that's sexy. and you just don't know why.

8:42 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Ooooh, Rhoda's husband is smokin'! I'm sorry, Rhoda, but mmmmmmmmm.

You liked the guy with the dog because he was kind; he makes sure the dog isn't cold, he waits patiently, and he uses a pretty sweet term of affection with the elderly woman, a little flirty, meaning he's generous of heart. (I won't get into the symbolism of the dog and the jacket.)

The man who made Breaking the Waves is shagworthy, I'll agree. In the dream, Mr. Von Trier is also generous of heart, as he's worried about Rhoda's feelings (unlike me, because yow!). Joe, like the dogwalker, is generous of heart; he chose Rhoda, the plain one, because he loved her.

So you want an older man who's brilliant and compassionate and kind to all people, but he has to be smokin', too (and maybe kind of bad, as in, Mickey Rourke). You might not always get all these things at once, which is distracting -- maybe the qualities you seek are mutually exclusive. So in order to be satisfied, you need three boyfriends.

Did I get it? Do I win a prize?

1:22 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...


Ya gotta eat.

Food is not optional.


5:35 AM  
Blogger snarl71 said...

Here we go with Rhoda's husband again.

I faced fierce competition when Matt and I were together...always trying to compete with that guy.

7:09 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Ing -- Hmmm... 3 boyfriends. I can barely manage when I have one. Actually, I don't think I've actually had a boyfriend in years. Are they available in the Bay Area? Yeah, Rhoda's husband was hot. Just commitment phobic and he had that bratty kid. Maybe Mickey Rourke is more my style. ...if he were gay.

10:13 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Karyn -- I am eating! I promise! I was just trying to cut corners the way I did when I first arrived. Alan reminded me last night that I was 50lbs (or maybe more) when I first arrived to SF so I had more to burn. But, he advised I've no more to burn now.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Attraction is one of those things that one can't control Matty, be it dog-owning granny-lovers, or not-unattractive Scandinavian arthouse film directors. And variety is the spice of life, as they say!

4:34 PM  
Blogger ginab said...

Well, because you count but you discount Lars, you had 3 1/2 men pending in your head. That is pretty sexy and the number alone explains why nothing ended up real. Too complex.

What happened to Joe anyway? I grew up on Rhoda Morganstern.

8:28 AM  
Blogger matty said...

You know I think when Joe dumped Rhoda he really screwed with his karma. The actor who played him is pushing 70, I think. Does dinner theatre somewhere, probably. But he was hot in his day!!!

9:23 AM  
Blogger ing said...

Matty, I'm shocked that they're not beating down your door, all these Bay-Area potential boyfriends! What is wrong with these people!

Jobs. . . have you looked into The Chronicle & The Onion? Both places could use an advice columnist to the stars (I'm dead serious, here). I suggest you print up that Antony piece. It's super funny!

7:07 PM  
Blogger matty said...

ing -- are you really serious? how does one even go about doing that anymore? ...submitting work?

1:29 AM  

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