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Sunday, January 22, 2006


Well kids, my adventure into the world of posing nude for artistes came to a crashing halt this afternoon. Now, the artiste/photographer reads my blog and I hope this doesn't offend him, but I warned him I would be writing about my experience. Let's call him "Billy"

First of all, Billy was not being very honest. His "studio" turned out to be a perfectly cute girlish apartment in the Castro. Now, Billy isn't "girlish" (not that I would care if he were a big ol' girl, but he isn't) --- you see aside from this not being a studio it is also not his apartment. Billy is visiting his sister. Billy is a college student who lives in San Diego. Turns out he had asked about 5 guys in San Francisco to pose for his project. I was one of those 5 guys. I was also the third to refuse to pose for him. Tho, I was a bit annoyed about "the studio" I hadn't quite decided I was "done" but then he handed me an unopened package containing an orange jock strap much like the one pictured above. It made me laugh. Billy was not amused but seemed to decide to ignore my laughter. I couldn't help it and asked if I got to keep the strap. He was surprisingly quick with his answer of "No!" --- "But, Billy, what are you going to do with it after I've worn it?" ...Honestly he didn't answer. I didn't open the package.

Billy then explained his "vision" --- so the idea was that I would wear only the orange jock strap and my white socks, he would wet and comb my hair down and I would pose on the green futon with a basket ball.

"Basket ball?"

Yes, he confirmed that I would be holding an object associated with sports. Ewwwwwwww!!!!

I held the package of the tacky jock strap that would never be mine and just listened on ---

It seems the next plan was to get my to get a hard on which I would then pop out of the offensive supporter and place the basket ball between my knees and he would photograph from all angles. I could not stop laughing. This time he seemed to be getting a little pissy. Billy then explained that he had found a menorah which he wanted to sit on the little table by the futon where the daisy decorated lamp now sat.


Billy then explained that his "vision" was that I was the hot Jewish jock in a jock strap. I was determined to stop laughing. I asked Billy if he even knew what a menorah was and what it meant. He just stared at me in what I think was artistic frustration. I told him that aside from feeling really stupid I felt that this concept was inherently racist and I didn't want to be a part of it.

Billy got defensive and told me that there was nothing racist about it and why was I ashamed of my heritage. I put the package containing the orange jock strap which I really wanted to just steal down on the coffee table. I explained to Billy that were it my heritage I would be very proud but that I wasn't Jewish but then quickly added that this didn't matter anyway. People are so funny because his first comment was that I was Jewish because my last name is Jewish. I had to explain that my last name was "Stanfield" not "Stanfeld" but that I was done and leaving.

Billy then eased up a bit and told me that he had come to visit his sister in hopes of getting some cooler guys to pose for his school project but I was the third person to be offended by his concepts. I felt kind of bad for him, but then not all at once. I asked him if he wanted to take some normal shots that I could use for my blog since I had given up my afternoon to pose for him. He had the nerve to say no. But before I could say anything he handed me this cheap but kind of cute little bracelet that his sister had made.

He told me that he had gotten her to make one for all 5 of the guys. I've very thin wrists and it is way too big but I guess I could cut it down. LOL!

I fought the urge to grab the jock strap and run. I wished him luck. Took my little bracelet and left. Billy is still a kid. I believe he is 22, but I was still annoyed. So, that was my big nude posing adventure. Before I left he showed me pix of the other 4 guys on the screen of his Mac. ...And, this is not fishing, but I was kind of flattered. I would have never grouped myself with those 4 guys who all looked to be half my age and much more gym-bunny like.

But, dammit --- I wanted that orange jock strap!


Blogger Jenny said...

Matty! That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. You are a magnet for these types of situations! Menorah aside, I think the pics might have been cool!!! You are HOT, baby, and you "read" 15 years younger than you are. Ah, well, but once again you are left with a handmade bracelet and thoughts of what might have been. . .Love you!

6:53 PM  
Blogger snarl71 said...

That would make for a Bruce laBruce movie scene.

Sorry your moment in front of the camera was squelched.

Next time! You're in San Francisco, more weird shit is inevitable.

7:20 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Jenny! LOL! Yes, I've a pretty bracelet for my troubles, but the orange jock strap would have been so much better! ...You're too sweet, but I think I "read" my age. Which is totally cool with me.

Karl -- yes, my life is turning into a Bruce LaBruce film. Stumping is probably just around the corner! Ewwwwwwww!!! Hey, maybe I will watch that movie as a double feature with The Short Films of David Lynch which I keep meaning to watch. It just sits on the DVD player untouched.

7:41 PM  
Blogger digitic said...

Geesh ... okay, we'll go to WalMart and get you a damn orange jock strap ... quit yer whining.

Maybe one that plays music when the legs are spread ... just like a Christmas card.

Actually, dear, you don't know how relieved Auntie Mil is to hear that this particular adventure's over.

A hard-on busting out of an orange jock strap accompanied by a basketball trollop with menorah highlights?

Is that Kosher?

11:00 PM  
Blogger g8s said...

Y'know, there's something very innocent and cute about this story, underneath it all. And there you go, crushing the dreams of a poor kid, you heartbreaker...

Oh, well... Guess we'll all have to wait for those nude shots of you, eh?

11:12 PM  
Blogger Dessie said...

Still, it's lucky you're not so naive. You never know where those shots could have ended up.

And if you see Billy again, tell him he owes me seventy bucks.

2:43 AM  
Blogger thomas said...

Oh my freaking lord! Sweetheart, you get into the most fucked up situations. How on earth all this shit happens to you, I’ll never know. But I would have killed to see pics of you bonering out of an orange jockstrap.

7:24 AM  
Blogger ing said...

Maybe the cute little bracelet could be made into a cute little beaded jock strap, if you added some extra elastic. But I guess you had this ideal vision about the orange (for safety?).

I can't help wondering if all this was some excuse for the kid to get his hands on a jock strap you'd worn?

(I don't know about you, Matty, but naked guys in white socks . . . just as bad as skinny guys with mustaches.)

12:34 PM  
Blogger matty said...

MIlford -- You're still too young to take on the gay "auntie" title!!! ...that might be the only way you could get me into a Wal-Mart. ...for an orange jock strap!!!!

Gator -- He's probably going to be the next Arbus and I lost my chance to pose for him! LOL!

Dessie -- Aw, who cares! I just didn't want to be seen dressed like that! ...and the whole menorah thing just seemed borderline to me. Did you send him money?!?!?!?

Tommy! Well, it keeps it interesting anyway!

ing - You know my bracelet keeps slipping off my wrist. It is too big! Yet too small for "support"
And, I am right there with you! Naked men in socks of any color is just funny. ...but the added twist of an orange jock strap would have just been wrong!

12:46 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

Oh my god Matty, that's too funny! But you see, you'll miss these strange events when you're working all day long again, so enjoy the strange jock-strap photographers while you can!!

Ing - there's honestly TONNES of gay websites devoted to pictures of men in white socks, it's one of those gay fetish things, like jock straps, and now .... menorah?!

3:20 PM  
Blogger joe said...

orange jock strap.. that's so hot, my eyes are burning. matt, I've always fantasized having a large poster of a hot orange jock-strapped man like you on my walls. haha. hilarious.

poor boy, I guess your photographer will have one less photo for his project. Can you imagine if you found yourself with this orange thing on page 52 of a coffee table book at some gay party?

3:29 PM  
Blogger Lubin said...

I have only two words to say "School Project" ??????

2:24 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

When I stop laughing, perhaps I will have something clever to say by way of comment, but for now I have to clean up the coffee I just guffawed all over the place....

5:52 AM  

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