SETTING THE DEMONS FREE

Walking toward the trolley I was filled with a sense of dread. My stomach in knots. I got on the train, sat by the window and focused on what the shuffle option of my iPod might bring...

"Darklands" by The Jesus & Mary Chain
"Only You" by Portishead
"An Execution" by Siouxsie & The Banshees
"Alone" by Heart

I turned off the iPod. That was just too fucking creepy. Stomach churning. Feeling ill.

Walked to the copy place to fax all my completed forms to a potential employer. I had to get those in today. Alan was going to print them for me but we forgot. So, I had to use their computer, printer fax. $18.09. Fuck!

Walking from the copy center toward my cafe the anxiety demanded attention. I ran to that side place by the funeral home and got sick. I put a piece of gum in my mouth and walked to the cafe. I got a croissant and a Diet Coke. And, here I sit with my thoughts and anxiety.

Sometimes things just start to back up. The flow gets restricted. You know?

Too much worry about things for which I have no control, too much feeling for some things that will always be out of reach, self-doubt and fears I suppress for too long, aching sadness from wounds that just start to scab over when an unfortunate brush against a rough problem opens them all over again.

The boys are starting to wake and walk by in the the sun. It is another gorgeous day. Bad Bette Midler 80's music blares on about me being her hero. She's a fucking liar. I sip my soda. My stomach is calming. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Bad Stevie Nicks 80's music begins to blare about wanting me to talk to her. But, I like Stevie Nicks no matter the quality of the production. Even an army of synth MOR can't prevent her voice from touching me.

...setting my demons free.

These demons that weigh us down. The ones that make you think you can't make it thru. The ones that make you think the reason you can't capture the love of the one you want is because you are something less than worthy. The ones that make you feel like no one will ever hire you. The ones who lure you to make shit choices. The ones that push you into feeling like you will never again regain your life or independent control. And, the demon of the past that just will not let go.

I push a held breath out.

I imagine a gust of hot smoke emitting from my lips and a swarm of goblins trying to swim but dying because they can't breathe the air of my freedom. I imagine them dropping to the tiled floor. I think I see a couple find a way to breathe and they scurry to the door. I don't try to stop them. I just want to be rid of them. I'm selfish. I want this peace for me right now. I imagine one pesky demon jumping into the ear of that fashion victim queen walking down Market Street. And I think I see the other one jump into the passing F train to sneak into that lady who wished ill will on the homeless man she passed on her way to the train.

And, these dead demons on the floor of the cafe. I prod at the little things with my shoes. I want to smash them with my foot, but I've an interview in a little while and I can't afford to get my GAP non-pleated black pants dirty. They may be too loose, but they are clean!

But, shit. I didn't rid myself completely of these burdens. I wonder if I made the right clothing choice. And, the sadness is still here. But, I feel much stronger. I'm ready to roll. Ready to reclaim what I think should be mine. I'm ready to push up the hill like a mythic hero forever stuck in a rut. ...another demon poking thru my positive spin.

I need to ask them to change the radio channel -- Michael Bolten has taken the mic. Has my favorite cafe turned into a den of bad late 80's music? ...or did one of my little demons creep into the Pioneer transmitter?

Setting the demons free is not entirely possible. They have their place, I suppose. But I've no need of them today. So, today I am telling my little demons to fuck off.