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Saturday, February 18, 2006


CONCERN FROM A CLOUD OF WORRY

After a long day at the office we would go for drinks. Always upscale. She, a boss of mine, used to lament that I was like a little cloud of worry always floating above everyone I loved and it drove her crazy. She would fidget on the bar stool or the lounge sofa and stare at me as I rambled on about one thing or another. Very often I would be expressing my thoughts on a problem that she, one of our colleagues, one of my friends or one of her friends might be having and I would notice a look on her face that gave me pause.

I would shut up. A rare thing. She would take a sip of her martini, tilt her head to the side, examine her perfectly manicured nails and say, "There you come again. A little annoying cloud of worry trying to fog it all up. Where's the fucking waiter, anyway?"

I would flag down the nearest server and think about what she had said. ...what she always said to me. This was an endless loop of a scene for the two of us. I would take a deep breath and change the subject because I knew she was right. I was and am a cloud of worry. I worry about everyone I know. I can't help it.

I care. Therefore I worry. Then, therefore I am.

...and, I think that, as a cloud, maybe --- I do not have to worry so much about myself. It always seems as if I've just made a horrible decision or am on the cusp of falling into an oblivion that on some level I helped to create. So, I try to float and blow away from it. I try to help and I hope that my problems will either dissipate or simply vanish. Another sort of loop I notice has been playing since I was a child.

As of late, my blog postings keep getting people upset or worried about me. I don't mean to do that. I'm just writing what comes to my mind.

So, I am NOT a phone sex operator. I WAS one for a little over 2 months in 1991. That was a LONG time ago. I don't see what is so "scary" or "horrible" about it. It was close to 15 years ago. I have no plans to ever do it again. Tho, I would cast no judgment on someone who does it or uses that sort of service. It was something that I did, that helped me to survive and that was interesting and even a bit fun. But, I guess I can see why I hesitated to share that experience with people. Duh.

Of course, I guess the concern just means that people care. Which is nice. But it makes me hold back on what I feel like I want to express or write. A recent interview for a front desk job was quite interesting but I shudder to think how some might respond if I wrote about it and the possiblilty that I just might end up taking the job. Another big duh.

I think several people are convinced I am totally nuts. And, I'm not. I worry too much about being nuts to actually be nuts. I just worry. And, of course my biggest worry and source of stress is my continuing search for employment and getting my life back.

I made mention of Tori Amos in a post recently and 8 pals who read my blog told me that they kept hearing her music --- all on the same day and felt it was some sort of good sign. I hope it was. And, last night, as Ingrid and I were chatting and waiting for a movie to start I was telling her about the CD, "Boys for Pele" For some reason, that CD has been playing in my head a lot. This CD is an angry work aimed at men. At least this is how I view it. Pele, a god to whom natives sacrificed beautiful men. ...rare as the sacrifices made are those of virgin women. Or, so it seems. Anyway, I think this a very clever choice of title for a CD which seems to chronicle a nasty end to a relationship.

I mentioned a song, my favorite, from that CD to Ingrid which has always puzzled and bothered me. And I bored her further by describing the vid-clip which accompanied the song at the time of its release. ...the mid 90's, I believe. "Hey Jupiter" is an odd haunting sort of soft song filled with questions. I've always wondered whether those questions were inward. Was the singer asking these questions to herself or was she speaking to a friend or to a lover or an ex lover? And the vid-clip is so creepy and fitting for the song. I was watching that vid on the Internet yesterday and the meaning of it all just sort of came together for me.

The speaker sits in a hotel room asking these questions to no one in particular as the room is being consumed by fire. Fire fighters and folks (friends?) watch from the street. Their faces filled with fear, concern and worry. A happy little girl pulls the foggy speaker out of the room and forces her to run out of the burning building to a rundown taxi. None of the on-lookers notice as she is led to the taxi by the little girl. The questions continue to run thru the speakers head as she looks forward as if in a drugged-out haze and yet the little girl jumps up and down next to her as if she just can't wait for the taxi to take off for somewhere.



Is the little girl an angel? a demon? is this all metaphor or is the speaker dying up in that hotel room and the soul is being led away to --- heaven? hell?

As I watched the video and thought about the cryptic questions Amos sings it struck me that I think there is no death in this little film or song. This is a person reflecting on something from which she must escape, but doesn't quite no how. Addiction, maybe? But the point is --- I think an inner strength is pulling this person out of a bad situation/phase and onward to something better. Not a death, but a re-birth and a turn in the journey that will lead to happiness.

...and, maybe, free of worry.

17 Comments:

Blogger digitic said...

Would you worry less if I took you to a bar, got us drunk on a couple of martinis (and I do know of a GREAT place for martinis!) and then mildly verbally abused you in a stern yet friendly fashion?

Hummm ... sounds like one of my blind dates from last year.

Maybe we just need to go to Disneyland ... it's their 50th Anniversary, ya know.

Disneyland -- "The Happiest Place On Earth" Unless you happen to be an employee or shareholder, that is. Oh well.

Ummm, are you going to eat those Micky-fries that came with your Mini-burger?

5:25 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Milford -- Oh, I could use a stiff drink these days, but that would be mad. I wouldn't mind Disneyland, tho --- if we could get rid of the children, giant cartoon characters and vomit inducing rides.

...and, no I am not going to eat those. I ordered Mickey-onion rings. What's up with the service around here???

10:08 PM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

matty i am going to do a Gwyneth (but i won't wear pink...you have to imagine me in frou frou)

i love you, your blog, your writing and the way your mind expresses itself. we are so similar in many ways (which i won't mentioned here lest your readership be concerned about my deviant streak).

i worship that you were a phone sex operator - i was going to comment at length but as you know your stupid comments were broken.

i guess what i want to say is that i am your biggest fan in the world - your blog is the one i read first and one of the few "long posters" i devour every word. I frequently re-read your posts 2 or 3 times. even the real fuckin long ones. which is some going when you consider i have the attention span of a gnat and am more shallow than a birdbath.

i pray you don't go changing...

1:18 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Jane -- Thank you so much! You've made my day. In all seriousness, thanks! We are mutual fans cuz I think you are so cool --- and a talented wordsmith!

...I won't go changin' as long as you don't!

I got an email from a pal regarding my last two posts telling me not to worry about what others think. Be true to yourself and don't hold back is what he advised. I liked that!

You're a rock star, baby!

2:11 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

There are considerations you have to make with Hey Jupiter. Firstly, to Tori her songs are girls. When she sings about girls she's referring to songs which have taken her someplace; ergo the little girl (song) took her out of the problem area (fire/relationship). It's cathartic, I think that's what she was trying to relate.

Secondly, you probably haven't heard the Dakota Mix. There is an extra few lines of verse in that version: "I go from day to day... I know where the cupboards are... I know where the car is parked... I know he isn't you". With that in context the song makes more sense. I prefer the Dakota version, it's a beautiful track.

Re you, well I'm not saying anything. You already know how I feel ;)

4:27 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Now see here, I TRIED leaving a comment on your phone sex entry but I couldn't - and I STILL can't! I think it's hilarious and kind of cool in a mildly depraved way. Mostly I think it is reflective of your steadfast resolve to do what needs doing and remaining open minded, receptive to what comes along - and I find that incredibly brave and admirable.

I'm in your league of Worriers; it's what I do. Can't help it. At least I know I'm in good company.

4:49 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Matt, you worry just enough to remind me that you care -- when you gave me that phone, I almost cried because it was so neat to think that someone cared enough to not simply boss me around . . . that's what my parents do. They nag me to get health insurance, have a child (!), find a high-paying job, sell my house, etc. But they never actually help me. So I resist them.

Matty, I don't care what you do for a living, but I do care about your feelings, there at the front desk. If you're offered a job, yes, you should take it. I just don't want anyone to say anything to you that might bother you in some way -- not ever! And that boss of yours was mean and abusive! I want to snatch that martini from her hand and dump it into her cleavage!

Look, I hope you'll keep posting honestly and stop worrying about other peoples' worries. While I'm worried about you sometimes, I really do trust that you can take care of yourself because I've seen that. I've seen what a strong guy you are for not letting yourself get down. It sucks to be unemployed.

You also score huge tough-guy points for having lived in New York. I'd be murdered within like an hour of setting foor there, I just know it.

Oh, Bubble is up now. And I better try to get back to sleep.

xo, Matt.

6:22 AM  
Blogger ing said...

Oh my GOD, that was a Peter Berlin moment! I'd been logged in to our movie blog and then I posted a comment under your name -- no wonder people worry about you!

It's okay, people: Matt does not speak kindly about himself in the third person! Really!

6:28 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Dessie -- I just sent you a Tori Email! Yay! Of course I have the Dakota Mix! I am obsessive with my Tori/Kate/Stevie music! ...and don't even inquire regarding Barbra! Here in the US, the vid clip is the Dakota Mix. I wonder if Warner released the clip shorter with LP mix in the UK. ??? And, yeah, the little girl concept and her third person thing troubles me. LOL!

Karyn -- I am so happy you're in my corner! It means a lot. Isn't it odd how that post kept vanishing then coming back and not allowing for comments. I finally just cut/paste it into the post before this one. Odd blogger moment.

matt -- you wrote to yourself again. NOW, this does worry me!

ing! Oh, I'm so relieved! I couldn't decide what "I" must have been up to when "I" wasn't looking! LOL! Actaully, I knew what happened as I read! Can't wait to read your bubble thoughts -- am on my way there now! I would NEVER boss you to do any of those things your parents are trying to do! But, I would feel oh so much better knowing you had a way to call for help if your car leaves you stranded between here and SC --- tho, I won't bother ya about it again! Promise!

Oh, and I've never lived in NY. I almost did and I've spent a good amount of time there. But I grew up in Texas, lived in Boston, Salem and San Francisco. Who knows, tho if I don't land a job soon!!!! Oy!

11:26 AM  
Blogger digitic said...

By the way, I personally think phone sex is a non-issue.

It's safe and, apparently, in high demand and if it helps folks out -- hey, it must be a good thing, eh?

If only it didn't cost so darn much ... ahem, so I've heard. And why does it always seem to happen in Aruba?!?!?

As far as the other things going on, you know how I feel. We may differ in opinion on some things but you know where it comes from. Between the folks here, we've got your back.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

Hey babe I didn't mean to teach you to suck eggs (though I'm sure you could if you had to), over here Hey Jupiter didn't get a lot of playtime and the video was just about unheard of. It was also released in its original form, hence my naivite... ;)

12:14 PM  
Blogger ginab said...

On Amos, it's not an addiction or death that's retrieved her. I think it's her younger self leading her to safety. She has, Amos, written pretty openly about her attack many years ago now...and so as not to bring everybody down here, no no, I believe the song it linked to that moment in her life. What saved her.

I couldn't leave a post on the p-sex either, and I'd left one on another...are you so savvy, Matty, you're a magician and you can make things disappear? Because I would love to disappear. I would love to.

Love to.

5:03 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Milford -- I wonder if it is still in hot demand now that we have the Internet. Hmmm...

Dessie & Gina -- I have now seen the new DVD release of Tori Vid's and watched Hey Jupiter with Ms. Amos' commentary. Essentially, she doesn't want to ruin the interpretations that people have assigned him themselves, but she does say (in typical tori-speak) that, in this video, "Tori" is stuck in a horrible place after the end of an affair and it is something "Tori" has to get thru. As her friends watch on with concern unable to help her because sometimes "we can't help" --- the happy little girl shows up to pull "Tori" out of the burning building into a cab which will be bringing "Tori" to a better space. In the commentary Amos says that you could possibly think this is a literal death, or a metaphorical death or an escape to a the next phase in "Tori's" life journey. But, the bottom line is that she thinks it is a very happy video! !?!??! LOL! She spends a good deal of time discussing the pyro-tech guys who she really likes and that she had fun watchining them have fun setting the place on fire with the oddness of fire fighters standing by as they did it.

So, I think I was fairly head on. ...I think. I love Tori Amos, but her constant use of the third person while speaking of herself is a bit worrying. And she is so trippy/spacey. God bless her!

Gina --- It was just some strange blogger glitch! And, no, you can't disappear on us. The world needs you! Hold tight -- and be visible.

8:37 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Matty:

I now have three official cuppycake snoogums -- ginab, you, and my (hopefully) blushing friend Jonathan (major cutie pie & he's majorly & syntactically hot).

My awful parents called, all concern about me and (primarily) their plans to travel to Australia and next year to Greece. I told them about my new friend, e.g. you, and now you are now their hero. Just warning you. . . (you have made me so very happy I'm so glad you came in to my liiiiiiiiiiife).

My mother looks very much like Peter Berlin. No joke. I'm of Scandinavian stock.

Back to your post, though -- if, on any occasion, you feel as though my concern is oppressive or somesuch, will you PLEASE let me know? I'm hugely compassionate & (perhaps you've noticed) slightly naiive, but sheesh! You're the greatest & I want you to be happy happy happy. If I can somehow add to that, wow!

Okay, I will stop gushing right her on Blogger, I promise. I'm probably embarrassing you.

11:24 PM  
Blogger ing said...

p.s.

1. That part about "you made me so very happy" etc. is a Blood, Sweat and Tears quote. My Jazz choir teacher was a huge fan, so. . . (Really, though, "Lucretia McEvil" was a cooler song, sort of in the same way that "Evil Woman" and "Witch-ay Woman" were cool.)

2. But you make me happy.

3. I didn't, perchance, accidentally leave that Tori Amos CD with you, did I? I can't find it in my purse, though it might be somewhere in my pigsty of a room, or, more likely, in my gross and stinky car.

10-4,

11:45 PM  
Blogger matty said...

ing -- I feel so loved! yay! Nope, not at all embarrassed! I am flattered and I know you know that I feel the same way! Friends are the angels who get us thru this odd trip thru life! ...if only we could get Gina and JungleJane over here! WE COULD TURN SF UPSIDE DOWN!!

LOL! Don't worry about the Tori CD. I am ripping two for you with which you can terrorize Davi --- the soundtrack to MAHOGANY and a surprise disc of fun 'cheeez tunes' ---- Am I allowed to write about the fact that you really like the Mahogany dress which Diana Ross desgined for her big bid at international film stardom that didn't quite turn out as planned? ...or did I just do that? LOL! I will create a new copy of the Tori CD for ya!

12:19 AM  
Blogger ing said...

I'm not ashamed of my love for that beautiful dress. Because it's BEAUTIFUL!

11:18 AM  

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