CONCERN FROM A CLOUD OF WORRY

After a long day at the office we would go for drinks. Always upscale. She, a boss of mine, used to lament that I was like a little cloud of worry always floating above everyone I loved and it drove her crazy. She would fidget on the bar stool or the lounge sofa and stare at me as I rambled on about one thing or another. Very often I would be expressing my thoughts on a problem that she, one of our colleagues, one of my friends or one of her friends might be having and I would notice a look on her face that gave me pause.

I would shut up. A rare thing. She would take a sip of her martini, tilt her head to the side, examine her perfectly manicured nails and say, "There you come again. A little annoying cloud of worry trying to fog it all up. Where's the fucking waiter, anyway?"

I would flag down the nearest server and think about what she had said. ...what she always said to me. This was an endless loop of a scene for the two of us. I would take a deep breath and change the subject because I knew she was right. I was and am a cloud of worry. I worry about everyone I know. I can't help it.

I care. Therefore I worry. Then, therefore I am.

...and, I think that, as a cloud, maybe --- I do not have to worry so much about myself. It always seems as if I've just made a horrible decision or am on the cusp of falling into an oblivion that on some level I helped to create. So, I try to float and blow away from it. I try to help and I hope that my problems will either dissipate or simply vanish. Another sort of loop I notice has been playing since I was a child.

As of late, my blog postings keep getting people upset or worried about me. I don't mean to do that. I'm just writing what comes to my mind.

So, I am NOT a phone sex operator. I WAS one for a little over 2 months in 1991. That was a LONG time ago. I don't see what is so "scary" or "horrible" about it. It was close to 15 years ago. I have no plans to ever do it again. Tho, I would cast no judgment on someone who does it or uses that sort of service. It was something that I did, that helped me to survive and that was interesting and even a bit fun. But, I guess I can see why I hesitated to share that experience with people. Duh.

Of course, I guess the concern just means that people care. Which is nice. But it makes me hold back on what I feel like I want to express or write. A recent interview for a front desk job was quite interesting but I shudder to think how some might respond if I wrote about it and the possiblilty that I just might end up taking the job. Another big duh.

I think several people are convinced I am totally nuts. And, I'm not. I worry too much about being nuts to actually be nuts. I just worry. And, of course my biggest worry and source of stress is my continuing search for employment and getting my life back.

I made mention of Tori Amos in a post recently and 8 pals who read my blog told me that they kept hearing her music --- all on the same day and felt it was some sort of good sign. I hope it was. And, last night, as Ingrid and I were chatting and waiting for a movie to start I was telling her about the CD, "Boys for Pele" For some reason, that CD has been playing in my head a lot. This CD is an angry work aimed at men. At least this is how I view it. Pele, a god to whom natives sacrificed beautiful men. ...rare as the sacrifices made are those of virgin women. Or, so it seems. Anyway, I think this a very clever choice of title for a CD which seems to chronicle a nasty end to a relationship.

I mentioned a song, my favorite, from that CD to Ingrid which has always puzzled and bothered me. And I bored her further by describing the vid-clip which accompanied the song at the time of its release. ...the mid 90's, I believe. "Hey Jupiter" is an odd haunting sort of soft song filled with questions. I've always wondered whether those questions were inward. Was the singer asking these questions to herself or was she speaking to a friend or to a lover or an ex lover? And the vid-clip is so creepy and fitting for the song. I was watching that vid on the Internet yesterday and the meaning of it all just sort of came together for me.

The speaker sits in a hotel room asking these questions to no one in particular as the room is being consumed by fire. Fire fighters and folks (friends?) watch from the street. Their faces filled with fear, concern and worry. A happy little girl pulls the foggy speaker out of the room and forces her to run out of the burning building to a rundown taxi. None of the on-lookers notice as she is led to the taxi by the little girl. The questions continue to run thru the speakers head as she looks forward as if in a drugged-out haze and yet the little girl jumps up and down next to her as if she just can't wait for the taxi to take off for somewhere.



Is the little girl an angel? a demon? is this all metaphor or is the speaker dying up in that hotel room and the soul is being led away to --- heaven? hell?

As I watched the video and thought about the cryptic questions Amos sings it struck me that I think there is no death in this little film or song. This is a person reflecting on something from which she must escape, but doesn't quite no how. Addiction, maybe? But the point is --- I think an inner strength is pulling this person out of a bad situation/phase and onward to something better. Not a death, but a re-birth and a turn in the journey that will lead to happiness.

...and, maybe, free of worry.