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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

MY NEW BOYFRIEND

Jungle Jane is trying to set me up with this hot chap. However, I fear he might be a bit too conservative for my tastes. But, if the chemistry is right --- who knows? Jane - Are you sure this will be a good match?

This is who I really want for my boyfriend:...Arthur H. who, in my opinion, is the hottest singer/songwriter to ever emerge from France! Go France! I mean, I think he and I would make for a great match! I'm happy that Ing and Gina have found their true love with Bode M, but Arthur H. --- come on! I mean look at his picture! Hear his voice! You can almost smell him! ...that, being a good thing. There is one minor problem that could get in the way of my possible romance with this French God.
...He's straight. I'm fairly positive. Tho, I can't understand a word he sings. I like to pretend that I can --- and Arthur H. sings only pour moi! However, there are suddle little clues that tell me he is more inclined toward the female sex...

...now color me "ignorant" if you must, but I am fairly certain that he is posing with a naked chick in those pictures. Also, one of his most popular songs is called "Bo Derek" but I was thinking that maybe that was like a witsful little ballad about shopping for clothes with Bo. Tho, I think this might just be wishful thinking on my part. Still. He does do that kick ass cover of "The Man I Love" ...but he is French. And, those French are so wacky! Ya just never know. I wish that I were French. ...not really. I think I'd rather be British and live in London. Then, perhaps I could travel to Paris every other week and serve as Arthur H.'s groupie or something -- if it were to turn out that my suspicions of his being heterosexual are incorrect.

But, I'm not French. Five years of French study at university and all I can say is "Je suis fromage" ...and, tho my heritage is all British --- I am not. Just a Texas born guy recently transplanted from New England to the gay side walks of San Francisco.

So, Jane, if you want to send me that boy's number I will give him a call.

A guy's gotta date, right? And, I want a boyfriend. Maybe I could teach this guy how to dress. I don't think the post-70's-slut-boy thing is really working, but big thumb's up for the effort!

Ingrid gave me a CD of new Daniel Johnston music. I've been loving it. However, I seem to be stuck on a repeating loop of "Happy Time" --- really love that song. Daniel should do a duet with Liz Phair. That would be some cool shit! ...as the kids say. Or, hella-cool as all the kids in SF seem partial to saying.

21 Comments:

Blogger josh williams said...

So Matt do you think the fart in the jar idea is all that bad. This guy may be a good crooner and such but what would Mozarts farts be worth today! A kings ransom I tell ya! I know this is not helping you with this guy at all, but I'm trying to make some jing off this idea of ings. Really jarred farts from DaVinci, shit flames a fortune in a jar!
You are probably right the Freedom Fry is probably straigt, but daggunet he may have a brother? I go bed now, the pub was a bit cruel to me this evening. Best of Luck JW

9:05 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Commander Josh -- Oh! I had not thought of that! perhaps there is a Bruce H. or something! A little brother with less back hair perhaps? Hmmmm...
Yes, well, I am in complete agreement regarding Ing's brilliant idea. If one could even find a fart from that dude who posed as Mona Lisa! Just imagine what that could fetch on e-bay! Still, these could be of the Holy Grail variety.

Might I suggest we try to harness modern celebs' farts to jars? I, for one, am more than willing to contact Woody Allen and Soon-Yi to see if they would be willing to supply a few squirts of intellectual air to our cause. I'd also be willing to see if Ms. Aniston wants to donate to the cause.

However, as much as I would love to dress as up as a tranny and try to catch up with Hugh Grant -- I feel I need to pass this celeb fart opportunity to someone else. I am not afraid of much in live. Guns, knives, candle sticks and bowling balls don't scare me! But, when we're talking about an angry British movie star armed with a manila folder -- I'm outta there!

Oh! And now that Jungle Jane is embarking on television superstardom --- we might want to request that she ship a few to you to stock up as her fame continues to gain steady value! She's hot, very smart, funny as hell --- her show is destined to be a hit. And, she just might be a great little matchmaker!

Now, I go bed. I've a big job audition bright and early! Whoo-hoo! Need this job!!!

10:31 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Um, no. No Matt I won't let you go there. Those shorts, that ass, they are all wrong. And the accessories. That backback fits a five year old. That ass fits an old russian woman. No.
As for Arthur H. I think you're not thinking positively. Perhaps that person who's netherregion A.H seems to be feasting upon is simply a rather large breasted man. It's art. He's gay but he's posing as a french lady's man. Sells more records in France. Just stay away from back-pack boy.
Thanks for the laugh. I think I pulled something. I was having one pissy evening. As opposed to all the pissy evenings I have..sigh

10:33 PM  
Blogger Dessie said...

je suis fromage.... le lol

11:38 PM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

matty i am SURE of this. there will be chemisty, i tell you. i am *very* insightful with these things - almost spookily so.

trust love, matty.

2:40 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Ew! Ew! EW! I waited an age for that first photo of your prospective boyfriend to load and shrieked when it completed - EW! Just say no!

Now Arthur. I agree - a tasty morsel. It is quite possible he is posing thus to conceal his identity from the masses as Matt's True Love. Album sales you know.

All things are possible.

5:52 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Dessie -- et, tu? oui?

Meredith -- Please don't pull anything that wants not to be pulled. I learned that in a yoga class from which I was expelled years ago!

Karyn -- Oh, you're cruel to my potential boyfriend! Well, perhpas you're right and Arthur H. is a play for staight gay, but I somehow doubt it. Still, a boy's gotta dream!

Jungle Jane -- You know I trust you. You send me the number and I will call him! Maybe he'll loan me this shorts for when I see MAHOGANY on the big screen!?!?

7:11 AM  
Blogger Me said...

Expelled from yoga!? I won't ask.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Robert said...

I can't seem to take my eyes off that ass...... I'm trying.... Gimme a minute...

9:03 AM  
Blogger ginab said...

Man-o-man, man-o-war, I was thinking, looking at Arthur H's mouth? I was thinking yeah, but then I see he's in love with a juvenile delinquent--is she fifteen? And I remember the smell of the French, and I see he has the Black Forest growing on the back of his neck...and I'm thinking, sweet cheeks, although I would if I were you wonder where, how far, and for how long he'd been hiking, sweet cheeks wouldn't eat out an innocent virgin girl. You would be safe, Matty, with sweet cheeks. Just go ask Alice. She feels ten feet tall.

-g+bb

9:20 AM  
Blogger crabcake said...

Well, if you wanna grab his ass you'll have to grow bigger hands but otherwise......he does have a nice smile and unique fashion sense.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

Oui je suis les grande fromage, mais je n'est le cacahuete ;)

10:54 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Dessie - Oui! solijglgnds, ojblotljns vous comlont ca sofghdhn olnlgn solkng conild igt thloihnseis merde! Non?

Meredith - Oh, you can ask! I got kicked out of two different yoga classes! I smell a blog commin' on!

Robert -- I know. It is an ass that demands to be viewed.

Gina -- Yeah, I'm ok with the back hair thing. It happens. Luckily, it doesn't happen to me. But, I just think him so hot! I think that is the actress who was in Pulp Fiction. I can't think of her name, but she is very little girl-like borerline retarded. She played Bruce Willis' girlfriend in Pulp Fiction. Am pretty sure she posed for his album cover. He is a fairly big deal in France. ...I tried to find Alice, but by the time I got there she had taken the ones that mother gave her and she was all pissy with me because, as well all know, those don't do anything at all. So, I will have to ask her later after she cools down.

Crabcake -- yes, I think Jungle Jane was looking for a guy with a great smile for me. And his sense of fashion does carry a certain style, doesn't it?

2:13 PM  
Blogger Dessie said...

Fuck yeah :p

Er, I mean arash... oui?

2:24 PM  
Blogger ing said...

The French guy has a nice-looking head, that's for sure. But someone needs to introduce him to Mr. HotWax. 'Course, I probably wouldn't have to see much of his back. But ew! What if my fingers got kind of tangled up in it! I have to say, though, that I don't mind a teensy bit of natural mansmell, as long as it's not too old. I find that kind of sexy. But I moved here from Santa Cruz, the land of dirty hippies.

Beck, on the other hand, has no back hair. He just has sweet, sweet lovin'.

(Those accents drive me wild, though!)

9:51 PM  
Blogger Bloodgood said...

Nice blog, the bear in the shorts scares me, be careful!
I am totally going to check out Arthur H, just as soon as Im done here. He had me sold on just the album art. I truly love french music too!!

10:07 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Bloodgood -- Let me know what you think of Arthur H! I think he is so cool! And, I too love French music. Watch out for those UK goats!

10:53 PM  
Blogger joe said...

oh mon dieu! quel horreur! c'est qui ca? il n'est pas son amour... il est un stinky homme avec un nez gros.

6:30 PM  
Blogger Lubin said...

I thought I was your ideal boyfriend? Who is this French bastard? Gah!

1:49 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Lubin -- Well, you are my ideal man. Sadly for me, you're married. So, what's a boy to do when his ideal love in Britain marries another? He goes for a tall glass of France!

Joe -- Oui! Qu'est ca liuljdp- guoputjtop ill fierieng oocukdrjed livklgout arkliout. swoluldd guor, af et goihjgn oiutl,ha ojltjlaf goults tlojnogjls la cheddar est lgldhlhgagao gula lralujo lul gotte qouldngg! Oui?

6:28 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

May I just say, eyebrow wax time?

8:06 PM  

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