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Saturday, October 22, 2005

THOUGHTS WHILE WAITING FOR THE TRAIN...


iPod Speaking on Saturday morning:
1. "High" by James Blunt
2. "Pinhead" by Ramones
3. "amTV" by Ladytron
4. "Boogaloop" by Ursula 1000
5. "Come On" by Ben Jelen
6. "Don't Give Up The Fight" by The Magic Numbers
7. "Splish Splash" by Barbra Streisand
8. "Mean Mr. Mustard" by The Beatles
9. "Planets of the Universe" by Stevie Nicks
10."Strange Angels" by Laurie Anderson

My shirts, jeans and slacks are hanging neatly in my closet.
My t-shirts, underwear, sweaters, hoodies and socks are folded neatly into crates.
My books are sorted and stacked with care.
My papers are organized and filed appropriately in file drawers.
I've skimmed down my photo collection, but what I've kept are stored in albums.
I have fixed it all so that everything fits and has its own compact place.
But, where do I fit --
where do I store --
where am I to keep --
how am I to organize --
Tell me what am I to do with all of those memories of you?

All sorts of thoughts are racing through my head as I wait for the "M" train to pick me and bring me to Powell Street where I need to run some errands. As I near my birthday I find that I am feeling happy, sad, worried, tense, relieved and just about everything inbetween.

Life does not get easier as you age, but it does gain greater focus on what matters. Priorities shift and change along with expectations. And, moments that used to fill the atmosphere with dread and horror no longer carry much impact. But, what used to seem like games/strategies/challenges now have a very different level of import.

For me, as 39 nears, I find myself taking stock of what I've done right and what I've done wrong. And, my desire to push, pull, force and fight for what is right grows stronger and my patience with the petty is dwindling fast. But, at the same time, the superficial weighs on the world and I constantly question if I've found my place in it.

Not lonely, but alone.

Blesses with some wonderful friends --- I really want or need for little. And, yet I get the sense that I need so much more from myself.

And, now, as I wait for the train which will lead me to a great evening of fun with Milford and a couple of his friends --- my thoughts are somber. As November 12th draws closer -- I certainly can't say that I am bored and that I am not trying to get it right. But, am I getting it wrong somehow?

The only things I know to be true is you can't get thru life without the mutual love and support of your firends and as much as we like to think that there might be some constants in our lives -- nothing changes, but all of the changes. And they are changing all of the time.

Will that is my mind scramble for the day. I transposed my notes I made while waiting on the train (that never came) --- Milford had to pick me up. It was a wonderful night filled with great food, fun conversation and one of the best dance performances I've ever seen! I guess, sometimes, you just have to lighten up.

10 Comments:

Blogger Dessie said...

Oh dear. I'd like to console you but I think a slap might be in better order. You have a great life Matt, you need to accept it first though or it'll just keep happening around you. Suck it up and smell the roses! You can have a peck on the cheek though to make you feel better [smooch]

And, Ladytron - good choice ;)

5:06 AM  
Blogger joe said...

hmmm, I don't know if you need a slap. self-reflection even if birthday induced is always good. there are wise words, some truths and neverending questions in this post. I think if we all could be just be a little self-aware, while waiting for the train, the world might be a little less nutty. but, yeah, I guess it's also good to lighten up too! how about just a smooch? or maybe just get a dog?

6:49 AM  
Blogger g8s said...

Matt, if you're getting it wrong, well, God help the rest of us! May you make a wonderful soup from the stock you're taking.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

Sigh. Self reflection is one thing, oh-my-god-I-almost-hit-40 reflection is another. Believe me, sometimes a slap is the better way to deal with it.

Besides, I never said where I intended to slap him

/rant

7:42 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Aaron --- LOL! A slap might be good actually! LOL! I totally understand and agree with what you wrote. I think maybe I was feeling a bit blue -- not about my upcoming bday, but it has been just at a year since my relationship "officially" ended --- and, I think birthdays tend to be a time when I sort of think about that whole "where am I going, where have I been" thing. ...all very 70's, isn't it?

Joe -- You will be happy to know that I did lighten up consderably once I got together with Milford and some friends! I probably should have posted about that, but sometimes I am inclined to post about what is really running thru my head.

g8s -- I love the way you phrase things! Thank you!

11:26 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

New horizons, Matty ;)

11:51 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Yeah, birthdays kind of have a habit of focusing the mind, don't they. Sometimes they don't always focus it in a positive way .... but it's all good at the end of the day, if we didn't question anything about our lives we'd never develop. I'm still next in line to slap some sense into you though ;-p

6:05 PM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Matt, you are one of the rightest people I know. You are kind, you are true to yourself, you speak your piece, you follow your heart. I think the pressure you're feeling is coming from within, lovey. Big hugs. xo

6:42 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

PS: LOVE LOVE LOVE your new picture!!!

6:43 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Karyn -- You always make me feel so good! With love, matt!

10:56 PM  

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