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Saturday, August 13, 2005

THE BRIDGE OR I SEE STRAIGHT PEOPLE...



My plans were to "...get back to the garden" and spend the day exploring Golden Gate Park. I had a nice date last night and was told about a cool museum/gallery located there. So, I figured I would spend the day. Sadly, I slept too late, got a couple of long (and slightly disturbing) phone calls and before I knew it I was looking at the second half of the day. And, it was quite cold today as well. This struck out the beach. So, I decided to explore some more areas of the city with which I am not too familiar. One of those areas is Richmond. I also decided to take in a screening of THE ARISTOCRATS which has gotten a good deal of praise and a ban by a couple of national cinema chains. So, I figured I could not go wrong. I was correct. It is one of the funniest films I've seen in years and quite original. Go see it, but be check all politically correct attitudes at the door. And, if you're easily offended -- just skip it. If you do see it --- stay thru the credits.

Anyway, the movie is not the point of my post.

For some reason, this film is only playing at one cinema in the Bay Area. The Bridge is an historic theatre that managed to survive without being converted to a two screen job --- it is lovely, tho not particularly ornate. I do not know much of the history, but I suspect that the area near the Golden Gate was never really "high tone" so the theater is somewhat simple, but still so very charming compared to the whole cineplex nightmare. Anyway, Landmark now owns it and they have done a great job with it. I had been hearing about it since I moved back here because this is where local tranny celeb, Peaches Christ, hosts a very popular midnight movie series called Midnight Mass. She has also made some infamous shorts and has recently released a disco single. The hope is that she might be on the verge of RuPaul-like stardom. We shall see. I suspect her name is going to get her too confused with the wonderous electonic Peaches. Anyway, I made the assumption that this was a popular hang out cinema for the art house fag types. Well, maybe at the Midnight Mass -- or, maybe not.

The showing was practically sold out and, from what I could tell, I was the only gay person in attendance. Granted, I could have missed one or two -- but I really do not think so.

Being gay and living in San Francisco can be a bit like living in a "Fabulous Gay Bubble" --- you sort of forget that there might be people who aren't gay or who do not celebrate your being gay. A couple of friends have pointed this out to me. And, as I am STILL unemployed --- my entire social life revolves around gay friends. And, for the first time in my life, they are all male. Since I arrived on April 23rd, I have not made friends or met a single female -- straight, gay or otherwise. And, this saddens me as I love women and have always enjoyed better friendships with women than men. My thought is that this will change as my social circle expands and I develop a fuller life which would require employment. Anyway, I continue to digress.

I found myself sanwhiched between two "couples" --- a VERY annoying bickering man and woman who both seemed somewhat mentally-challenged on multiple levels. He was fixated on getting her to watch some NASCAR special he "video recorded" (do people still use video tapes?!?!?) and she kept yelling at him to stop yelling at her even tho he never yelled. She kept telling him that her senses were "very sensitive" and that he needed to either whisper or talk very "lowly" --- OK. Whatever. Infront of me were these two straight guys. They were both old college buddies and were each 35 years old. ....they told me. You see, for some reason, people will just start talking to me. I don't know why. Sometimes it is cool -- sometimes not. They were loudly dissing their respective girlfriends. One girlfriend had refused to join him to watch such a filthy movie and the other girlfriend (to the better looking of the two) woke him up at 3AM this morning because she needed to talk. This, I guess, was grounds for him to dump her. And, this was his plan for this evening. "No bitch is going to wake me up at 3 fucking AM to tell me that I had hurt her feelings" --- also, as all of us within 50 feet heard, she didn't "put out enough.

Well, it struck me that I had not been around so many straight people since early April. And, it also struck me that I very well might be between 4 of the more obnoxious people I've seen in some time.

It wasn't long before one of the two annoyed straight guys asked me if I was gay. Normally, I would take this as a sign to prep to fight --- as it does seem an odd question to come from a stranger. So this was, more or less, our conversation.

me: "Why? Do I look gay?"

boy #1: "Dude, no. I mean you're not like big queen or anything, but your dressed really nice and your holding a book about Billie Holiday. So I just thought --"

boy #2: "No offense, man."

me: (with a polite laugh) "Sorry. None taken. And, yeah I guess I do look pretty gay. But that is OK because I am."

boy #2: "Told you!"

boy #1: "We thought so when you were buying your ticket. We were talkin' this morning about wishing we could be gay"

boy #2: "Yeah, life would be so much easier."

me: (actually curious) "Why's that?"

boy #2: "Well, you guys can get laid any time you want. We have to work our asses off for these bitches"

boy #1: "Yeah, and half the time they just want to us to do all the work"

me: (still actually curious) "Wait. It sounds like you both hate women. I wasn't really trying to listen in on your conversation, but you both seem really hostile about your girlfriends."

boy #2; "Necessary evil, man"

boy #1: "We don't hate women. Just the two we're fucking!"

Both errupt into REALLY loud laughter

me: "Oh"

boy #1 "No, but seriously, you can probably get laid whenever you want and the other guy knows what you like because you're both dudes"

(yes, I actually think the word "dude" was used more than my memory recalls)

boy #2: "And I bet you never get any lectures about foreplay. Right?"

me: (at a loss for words) "Well, you know I think sexual and romantic connections are tough for everybody. But, in a sense, yeah I guess getting laid might be easier for a gay guy. But you know -- scoring a second date or a relationship is probably harder"

boy #2: "Exactly our point. That is why we wish were gay."

boy #1: "Yeah. Dude, you've got it made"

(Very awkward silence)

me: "Yeah, I guess I do."

Please, God -- let us into the cinema!

Visit to the urinal, washing of the hands, popcorn and diet soda later -- I walk into this old theatre and just pause to admire its beauty.

"DUDE! UP HERE!"

...I recognize the voice of boy #1. I turn and they are motioning for me to come up to where they are seated.

boy #1: "Join us, man"

...yet, they had a seat separating them which held their back backs.

me: "Oh, thanks. But, you know -- I have to sit closer to the screen. Bad eyesight"

The previews started. One of the films promoted was a gay film. It looked horrid, but the trailer was followed with several cinema patrons doing the infamous San Francisco "hissing" sound --- followed by a few random claps. Oh my God. Homophobia in San Francisco. Or was it because the film looked so bad? I decided that it was not homophobia but hissing at a what looked like a bad movie. And THE ARISTOCRATS featured 3 queens who all made the audience laugh. So, I decided that this was the case.

You know, I now forget the point of this post. But, I could not wait to get back on a bus and head to Castro! And, now, as my laundry is tumbling in the dryer --- my DVD of YENTL awaits. Yes, kids --- YENTL can be had on DVD in France.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! Gay, straight or otherwise. And may you all get the foreplay, attention and love you each deserve! Oh, and I am too lazy tonight to check for errors. So, please forgive any!

kisses,
matt

9 Comments:

Blogger Jen Stewart said...

*sigh* Men like that are why I despair of ever finding a good one. Ever.

Almost saw the Aristocrats yesterday, but wasn't sure it would be 'too much' for me. Figured I'd wait for your opinion on that...so? Should I see it? Or is this one of those movies that I'd just find sort of disturbing/appalling?

Saw Four Brothers - pretty good. Saw Skeleton Key - moronic.

5:09 AM  
Blogger g8s said...

You have such an interesting life. Do you realize that? Things happen to you everyday. You always have a story to tell, and it's always a good one.

7:31 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Jen -- Yeah, these 2 guys were real losers. Yet, I hope not representative of all straight men. ? LOL! Um, I don't see the variations of this "age-old" back stage joke as offending you --- but the humor is so "base" I don't see you enjoying it. Think South Park/American Pie only amp up the toilet humor by 11. LOL! However, I couldn't stop laughing. Not sure what that says about me, tho!

g8s -- No, I guess I don't see it that way. Maybe I should start trying to look at it from that perspective. I've always seen myself as being some sort of magnet for oddness. LOL!

10:50 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

It is amazing the human race has survived this long, it really is.

It's not hard to feel like a Magnet For Oddness; we live in what is tantamount to an Oddness Wilderness Preseve for crissakes.

What's w/ the disturbing phonecalls? That's the part I want to know about.

:) xo

11:02 AM  
Blogger joe said...

dude, where's my gay man?

you know that whole exchange sounds suspiciously like gay porn. two ex frat guys bemoaning about their girlfriend and wishing they were gay so they can get some, more easily... and then telling the gay guy they've scoped out at the the ticket booth. some people would've sat between the two frat boys for some bi-times, and video tape the whole sordid thing. funny!

and who wouldn't want to randomly come up to you and chat with a cute guy?

12:03 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Karyn -- Yeah, well, the phone calls are an "off blog" discussion. LOL! But, it's ok. Nothing new.

Joe -- Aw, am blushing! I don't really associate "cute guy" to me. LOL! Well, yes --- there is that porn fantasy element. However, I guess I didn't describe what these two guys looked like. To be quite frank, they should both hold on to their girlfriends for dear life because they were not blessed with even "OK" looks. LOL! And they were both wearing Stetson cologne. ...no. ...just say no. So, alas, they would not fall into the category of big, cute and stupid.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Miss Marisol said...

I suppose it would have been pointless to mention to those young lads the myriad problems gay men have to endure for being who they are. Their willful ignorance is almost too precious to shatter with reality, I suppose.

It's a great story, nontheless...oh and The Aristocrats was a great movie, by the way. I enjoyed very so.

6:56 AM  
Blogger digitic said...

A similar thing happened to me a few years ago ... A friend of a friend (I personally denounced any direct association with this guy) once remarked that I was "sooo lucky" that I was gay and had none of the "normal" relationship responsibilities.

He had just married and may have been feeling the "ball-and-chain" buyer's remorse effect (though his wife was a really lovely person)?

Apparently, he assumed that my "wild" homo-sex-ual lifestyle was a model precursor to the show Queer as Folk as well as an E-Ticket Ride (eg: Disneyland pre-1980s) to nights filled with glam bars and anonomyous sex.

I just had to tell him "Yes, it's all true!" and that he, too, could be enjoying the fantastic queer life if only he wanted to change bad enough and denounce being straight.


Joking aside, perhaps these straight boys are only believing what they're exposed to by the mass media. If that's the case, who's responsible -- the consumers or the producers?

11:43 AM  
Blogger Lubin said...

Sounds like they (desperately) wanted to have sex with you. :) Give em 6 months and they'll be a couple.

12:59 PM  

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