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Sunday, August 07, 2005


I was watching that SIX FEET UNDER tv show with Alan tonight and my mind drifted. My stomache was doing aerobics and my head was aching. I ran to the movies this afternoon to escape my many thoughts and worries. When I walked out of the cinema my pal, Vic, was waiting for me. We had planned on meeting up earlier, but things got messed up and confused. So, we met up after the movie, had coffee, took a walk and talked. It was nice and I had a chance to just let my thoughts about my current situation pour out. Poor Vic. I don't know that he even got a chance to say much at all.

But as I was watching this soap opera I thought to myself, "Most people would find a way to chill out a bit. You've got a roof over your head, people who care about you and you're certainly not lacking for food. Ease it up. Mellow out."

The problem is I have never been mellow. I am able to make myself appear to be composed and even relaxed. However, my mind and nerves are running like crazy 24/7. I am consumed with trying to find a job. To a degree, I think this is a benefit. I don't back down and I plow forward. But on the other hand, I think I miss out on things. And, I think I end up putting myself through a great deal more stress than needed.

But how does one become mellow? Drugs don't really do the trick -- they simply "mask" the real tendency and I can already hide it. How does one become mellow? How does one even try to find the comfort from inside? How does one find the time to be happy just to hear a song? How can you let someone else be strong when you're the one who needs to pull through?

...I don't think Olivia Newton-John had any real clue on how to be mellow. She just sang about it. Well, I wanna know. And, I wanna know NOW!


Blogger Underling said...

If you find out how to be mellow, please pass the secret along. It hink the inability to mellow out is another thing we share.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous indytallguy@yahoo.com said...

Are you seeking mellow or simply becoming OK with the reality that is around you? That's the message I'm hearing in what you are writing about. And I don't think there's a magic pill for that. It's just a mental choice you have to make and then be strong about not wavering in your acceptance.

10:34 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Underling -- I will let you know if I achieve it!

Indytallguy --- I am seeking both! I agree, but how to be that strong and not waver?

12:17 PM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Well... this is one of those things that leads me to believe you and I are cut from really similar bolts, Matty. I am not mellow. I can BE mellow. I can appear mellow. I can act mellow. But there is always something churning. If I manage to eke out a moment of sincere mellowy goodness, once my darker if wiser self catches up, it unleashes the anxiety and kicks my mellowness in the ass.

I think you are or you're not.

We're not.

And you know? That's okay as it is. I bet lots of mellow people wish they could get worked up about stuff. Well maybe not. But what do I know.

7:34 PM  
Blogger Karyn said...

And ps, to further drive home how unenlightened I am, I am really invested in the magic pill theory. Bring back my Xanax! For that matter, bring back my Seldane and my Phen Phen too.

Sometimes in my sordid little wacked out life, I find the reality surrounding me does not warrant my being ok with it. And THAT took me 25 years to figure out. So sometimes you can ride it out and sometimes you just have to churn, I think.

No easy answers sweetpea. (But I do miss my Xanax.)

7:36 PM  

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