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Sunday, July 10, 2005


I am a romantic. I know that science tells us that "matters of the heart" and worries of the soul are fragments from the brain stirred up by chemical reactions to what is going on around us and by what has happend to us before. However, I prefer to imagine that there IS a soft-shape pillow beating within my chest full of love and the capacity to accept love. I want to BELIEVE in the words of the poets and the songs.

I prefer to believe that I can do and achieve all things once I set my heart to it. I want to live in a world where there is hope, romance, happiness and love. I need to believe in a Creator who helps us through the challenges, tragedies and horrors of our lives.

I do not want to be forced into a pragmatic world where every feeling and impluse is given up to genetics or social/political constructs. This is what I want and this is what I try to pursue. But, sometimes, the logic of science takes over and I feel the need to reflect ---- to be honest.

So, today --- As I was sitting on the beach watching the waves and the fog roll in, I got to thinking.

It takes a brave person to focus and look into the mirror. To wipe away the dreams, life's defenses and self-deceptions --- to actually take a look at yourself and your life. Attempting to fully absorb and be honest about what is looking back at you. And, to ask yourself the questions that matter the most.

I am not a coward. I do not fear much. I joke about things, but I can deal with and handle a lot. So, over the past year or so I've looked into that mirror a great deal. I did this today as the fog hid me from the sun. And, I asked the questions that matter to me right now:

"Was it ever love?"
"Was there or has there ever been love?'
"Can there ever be love or is it always limited or one-sided?"
"Will I pull through?"
"Will I find my way?'
"What if I can't escape all of this debt?"
"Am I being the best person I know how to be? Really."
"Where am I going?"

And, it is at this point I realize I've been clear as I can bare. ...Two minutes.

Two minutes before I begin to fold.

Two minutes before my heart begins to break.

And, two minutes before I come to the realization that I might know some of the answers. Answers that are probably best left unstated or pondered.

So, I step away from the mirror and allow self-deceptions, good and bad, to cloud the mirror. And, I grab hold of "hope" again. Because I know things will get better and I've as much chance at getting myself together as anyone. And, because I know that love takes many different forms --- and, like all things in life, changes and evolves.

Two minutes of clarity are harsh and, I think, are almost more than any of us can take.


Blogger g8s said...

I don't understand the conflict between science and soul; why the two must be mutually exclusive, rather than akin to two different languages. But I know that it takes a lot of courage to weigh them both in the best of times, and that you've done so at such a fragile moment is all the more remarkable. If nothing else, take heart in knowing that there is no end to the stories we live during our lives; they simply overlap with the new beginnings in subtle places, much like the prints on the palms of our hands. You're going to end up right where you're supposed to be; Marisol & I have talked about this, and we have no doubt of it. Sleep in peace, and believe.

6:10 AM  
Blogger Miss Marisol said...

These moments of self awareness are too painful because of their truth. Our lives are full of distractions from reality: friends, music, art, drugs, love . . . but the irony is that these same things are the glorious elements of life that help to reveal those absolute truths.
I know this time for you is troubling because you are at such a crossroads, but maybe you can take some solace in knowing that a virtual stranger has absolute faith in you...hold on.

3:30 PM  

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