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Thursday, August 03, 2006


"LOOK, HONEY! A FAGGOT!!!! GIVE ME THE CAMERA!"

I suppose we can chalk this up to that odd magnet I seem to become for odd/uncomfortable situations. I should say that my day at work was horrible. Negative energy was all around me and no amount of Madonna/Kelly Clarkson remixes and gorgeous gay patients was going to change that. It was just a shitty day. So, when lunch time arrived I ran out with my iPod and my book. I went to my fave place for lunch and reading during my lunch break. It is outside a popular big-budget store which also features some historic San Francisco fountain which attracts tourists. But, I sit away from the fountain. I am usually situated just behind this cute little flower stand.

So, there I sat. On the steps which lead to the store. iPod playing Cansei De Ser Sexy and Moloko. And, I was reading my new book, "The Importance of Being Barbra" ---- and I was absorbed as I read this dude's opinions of my diva of choice. I don't agree with much of them, but I appreciate his opinions and ideas.

Anyway, I got that feeling one gets when one is being stared at.

I looked up and saw a sturdy couple armed with fanny packs and with two children looking pensively from behind them. The lady spoke first. I was expecting to be asked for directions to Union Square. Instead this is the conversation that took place (as I transcribed to my handy Sanrio Hello Kitty notepad which is with me at all times!)

Lady: "Hi! Can we take your picture?"
Me: "Me?"
Lady: "Yes! You looks so sweet! We wanted to take your picture to bring back home! We're visiting San Francisco!"

(no shit)

Me: silent (I was not in a good mood and they had just interrupted my reading time)
Lady: "Are you a homosexual?"
Me: "Yes. Why?"

(I should note that there was a quick look of 'I Told Ya So!" exchanged between wife and husband)

Man: "We saw two boys making out over on Market Street!"
Lady: "And they let me take a picture! It was so cute! Do you have a boyfriend?"
Me: "Yes, I do."
Lady: "I bet he is a doll, too! Are you two married to each other?"
Me: "Gay and lesbians are only allowed to marry in Massachusetts and I doubt that is going to last for long."
Man: "Oh, that's right!"
Lady: "I thought I saw a news story about gay guys marring in San Francisco."
Me: "Just for show. Not real. Only in Boston."
Man: "Well, we think it should be legal. Love is love. We don't like that governor in Massachusetts who is trying to stop it!"
Lady: "No and we don't like our President!"
Me: "Cool. Where are you guys from?"
Lady: "Oh! We're from Oklahoma, but I was originally born in Nebraska!"
Man: "This is the furthest we've ever been from home! We wanted to show the kids a big city!"
Me: "You should have taken them to New York. That's a big city."
Lady: "Oh, no! We wanted beaches and sunshine!"
Me: "Well, if you want to take a picture go ahead. Just not sure why you would want my picture."
Lady: "You look so San Francisco! A gay boy in a red sportcoat and reading a book by 'Barbara Striiizend' and I love that t-shirt! Is that a snake?!?!"
Me: "Oh dear. Is this take a picture of the cliche faggot day?"

(both laugh uncomfortably but the two kids just laugh)

Me: "Well, shoot away but that'll cost ya $5 --- I need to get a cup for tips!"
Lady: "Oh, you're so funny! Honey, give me the camera. Can the kids pose with you?"
Me: "Sure. Why not?"

(oddly, the two kids seemed excited and ran up to pose with me. They got behind me.)

Me: "No. In pictures I am always the cheese!"
(they didn't get my joke. Oh well. I let it go. However, I do prefer to be in the middle for pictures)

Man: "Can you raise your book on 'Striiiizend" so that we can see the cover?"
Me: "Only if you both say her name correctly. You're in Gay Town. Her name is 'Bar-bra Strie-sand" Kids, say it with me as your parents take our pictures"

"BARBRA STREISAND!"

Lady: "You are so sweet and funny! Thank you!
Man: "Thanks, son."
Me: "You know, I think we are the same age."
Lady: "How old are you?"
Me: "I'll be 40 in November."
Lady: "We're 46! You look 25!"
Me: "God bless you both. No charge for the picture."

...they left. I turned my iPod back on. ...the first song to pop on was "Secret" by Madonna. I am a cliche.

And, I should add --- some German tourists took my picture yesterday during my lunch break but didn't speak to or ask my permission. I couldn't figure out why. ...I guess it was because I am big fag reading about Babs on my lunch break.

I leaned back on the steps. Looked at the hippie-wanna-be who was sipping his Dr. Pepper a few feet away and let the cool San Francisco breeze blow past me. I closed my book and headed back to finish the work day from Hell.

However, tomorrow, this gay guy is headed to Big Sur with his boyfriend! He won't wear the priest costume I got for him but I do plan to re-enact at least 2 scenes from THE SANDPIPER -- and, you KNOW I get to be Liz! I can't wait!!! I promise to take pictures!!!!

17 Comments:

Blogger John said...

Hello Matthew -- Thank you for being so sweet to my fellow Okies. Although their behavior might have been a tad oafish (here that's just being friendly), I hope your readers will forgive them because, from their comments, it appears that they are among the endangered species in this reddest of all red states, namely, Democrats. It is a paradox to me that with all the bible thumping, wild-eyed, foaming-at-the mouth ultraconservative bubbas running around loose in this state, it is totally lost on them that of all people, Jesus was a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. Ironically, in this state he couldn't even get elected dog catcher, to coin a phrase.

It's a shame that you, too, didn't have a camera so you could take their picture. In not too many years you'll only be able to see Oklahoma Democrats in natural history museums along with the other extinct bones.

johnNokc

5:52 AM  
Blogger Jon said...

See Matt, that's why you need to start getting into the habit of carrying mace and a stun gun

Have fun on your weekend getaway!

12:03 PM  
Blogger ginab said...

Geez. How bloody strange! Must be the water in oakey-doke ville. And then I suppose it's great they were showing, every so hokey, how liberal people are from them there parts. I loved your suggestion they go to NYC. Neat irony. And I hope you felt better!

Anyway, "America the strange".

-g+bb

2:06 PM  
Blogger Topher said...

Wow, that's gotta feel awkward. Kudos for taking it in stride. Have a great weekend getaway MB! Instead of Milton Bradley, it's Matt and Bratford lol

4:45 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Matty, I'm not sure if you were aware of this, but. . .

You're a celebrity! Did you have your sandpiper moment? I'm so jealous that I didn't get to see you having it!! Someday, someday, I will have a Saturday off.

12:21 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Only you, lovey, only you.

Love the cherry shirt. Love.

PS: Karl must have done a number on you - there ARE other parts of Massachusetts besides Boston, where God Began Creation... hahahaha.... just teasing...

Hope you have ...fun?....at Big Sur!

xoxoxo

4:19 AM  
Blogger matty said...

John -- That's true. A good way to look at it. Still, I felt a bit odd'd out by it. Yeah, I thought of that. Would have been cool to have a picture of them to go with my blog instead of my cherry.

Jon - Can you get me a stun gun? Only I want a pink hello kitty stun gun! Big Sur was amazing --- I need to do a post!!!

Gina! Are you home??? I need to go to your blog!!!

Kris! LOL! Milton Bradley -- I hadn't thought of that! Tho, it would be Matt Byron. Tho, for blogging use I prefer to call him "B"

Ing -- I used to have a big crush on Mr. Erik! Hot! Yes! Of course! I had my sandpiper moment and shall blog all about it with pix too!

Karyn - Big Sur was the most beautiful place I've yet seen! I hope my pictures do it justice. Tho, I do think that the pix are mostly me trying to re-create The Sandpiper. I got many looks. I had a great time. Wish I could transport you here to see Big Sur! I wish I could transport the world to see Big Sur!

2:22 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Okay, first I laughed like a little girl at the absolute ridiculousness of taking your kids on a trip to SF to see "the gays" ("see honey, how progressive we are. I just hope Johnny isn't one.") Then I just shook my head in disbelief and a twinge of disgust. What, SF is like the zoo they contain the gay folk in?!
Hey, sweety, look it's me. Stuck in parental hell but having a remarkabley wonderful time. Met a new friend. He pierced the nape of my neck and it looks SO pretty (pictures posted soon). I've only had to suppress the bile that threatens to erupt when conversing with Mother once or twice. And as long as the pub doesn't run out of Guiness things should be good. kisses....

5:13 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Told you you look like 25 so don't worry about anything, not even that pseudo gut that you claimed you had the other night at Bagdad's.

Have a great trip to Big Sur, OMG are you camping? Good for you!

6:52 PM  
Blogger Trashbinder said...

What a surreal moment that must have been!

5:11 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

I've been here but my head's been somewhere else. Matty if I had been in SF I wouldn't just take a picture back home with me, I'd have to just plain steal you. Kisses from Londres xx

1:10 PM  
Blogger Lubin said...

America is a country of such contradictions and your story reveals that wonderfully. I'm glad you let them take a picture. *THEY* may have appeared gauche gawkers (if well-meaning), but let's hope that their kids are the ones who grow up to be the tolerant ones...

3:07 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Oh my god, you went camping? I knew you'd come around. . . Who chopped the wood/built the fire? Did you sleep in a tent? Wear hiking boots? Scare off a couple of grizzlies? Gut a trout?

Did you go into any of the new age stores in Big Sur? Purchase some of that exquisite hippy art? Or perhaps a CD?

Matty, I have several CDs for you, plus I want to show you my high school yearbook (you will find the pictures very enlightening). I'm sorry I missed Mrs. Palfrey. I really really really am. I'm sure it was Palfrantastic.

I am halfway over my snit. Tuesday night I will be over it completely, I think. M brought me a present that I think was sort of for you. . . It's pink, and you will love it.

But it's not as cute as Erik. How did he get his teeth so white, Matty?

7:19 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Lovely Meredith! Oh, I can't wait to see pix! I can't decide where the nape of the neck is. ???? But, seems like that would hurt! Ouch! But, I know it looks stunning!

matt -- Aw, you're too sweet! I look 45. We all know it --- and, I'm fat. But, I digress --- So, no. Honey! No camping pour moi! This was a romantic day tip and we had another great day trip today!!!

Trashbinder - It was! It was so odd!

Dessie! Oh! I blush!

Lubin -- Yes! Let's hope so!

Ing! Honey! No camping pour moi. Unless it counts that I attempted to be Liz amongst sun bathers and B took my picture! ...and, um, you DIDN'T miss Mrs. Palfrey. ...she's back! By popular demand. So, I think I know a certain Ing and Matty who might be going to see this joyous film!!! (wink) ...what was your present!!!?!?!? Hang in there! Oh, and regarding Erik and the 70's white teeth -- protien helps!

7:47 PM  
Blogger Kelicious said...

I'm going to start eating my lunch at Union Square..give you some competition

12:43 PM  
Blogger matty said...

kelicious! Love your screen name! I need to explore your blog! Well, I could always use a lunch buddy! No tourists bother'd me today, tho! I don't have lunch in Union Square but am right near it. You can usually find me near the flower stand and that ugly fountain by the Levi store (which I guess is Union Square, isn't it?!!?) LOL!

2:57 PM  
Blogger joe said...

hmmmm, I must remember to ask random Catholics if I could take their photo next time I'm in Quebec. Or better yet, I should've used the same technique and take photos of all the hotties in Paris!

Oh, matty, I'd take a photo of you anyday.

8:50 PM  

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