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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

SOME CRACK HO's, CRAZY HOMELESS, ME & OPRAH...

Well, it is another month before my employer provides me with insurance so I had no choice but to return to the free clinic in that scary ass part of the city. However, as always, I kind of enjoy the experience. I can lament on and on about the odd luck of my life but I will never claim my life is dull. It is interesting. After a day full of faux drama at my wondrous big fat gay job, I left 2 hours early to head to the clinic. If my bosses and co-workers saw where I had to go I am certain that they would break the rules and just give me insurance now.

After letting them inspect my messenger bag to ensure I was packing no heat, knives "to cut uuuuuuuu" or pnp supplies and signing in --- I took my seat. So, there I was. Me, 4 street workers clearly in need of some meth, crack or H, several insane homeless men and an interesting woman who we will call "Ida" Ida was my friend for the 3 hours I was there. We chatted. She tried to cut her hair. Told me it was far too long and matted. However, much to my relief -- one of the guards came and took Ida's shears away. Actually, they were not really shears -- they were little scissors that one sees elementary kids use. Anyway, she was upset about not being able to style her hair while we waited.

"Ida. Shut the fuck up!" an exasperated crack girrrrrl said after Ida continued to complain to me that her hair was in need of "some workin'" --- before an argument broke out and the crazy dude to our left started crying even more --- a lady at the front desk announced that it was time for Oprah.

I swear --- there was a wave of excitement that went thru the room as "Gladys" got up and changed the channel to Oprah. For the next 30 minutes or so we watched Oprah complain and lecture that we were all living beyond our means. Oprah never mentioned that her outfit probably cost as much as the annual budget for the free clinic and I swear it looked as if someone was changing her hair between commercial breaks.

"Poor thaanng. All that money and the bitch still can't dress, do her hair or be thin." ...wisdom from Ida. Hair seemed to be heavy on Ida's mind today.

I was bored. I don't enjoy Oprah. She is starting to impact me in a way that I thought only Enya could. ...or, maybe Yanni. Anyway, as Ida went on and on about Oprah's set, which, Ida felt was too brown. Actually, she had a point or it might have been the poor reception of the TV. I decided to pull out my journal and write all of this magic moment down so I could share it with you because that is what I am all about.

"Hey, Matt-Boy, I like your bag!" ...Ida then stroked it.

"Thanks. It works" I replied.

"Can I have it?" she asked.

"No" I answered.

One of the crazy men started laughing. Ida reached over and slapped his head. I am not sure if the hair cutting or the slap caused it, but Ida got to see the doctor before me. ...we never saw her leave.

The doctor saw me for all of 3 minutes. Asked me how my day was going and refilled my two meds which I can't wait to stop taking but will have to get a doctor to do so. Then I signed out and walked to BART and headed home.

The sun has returned. As has that wonderful SF wind. I love the way it feels. I sat out in Alan's backyard when I got home. I wonder if Oprah would be nice to me and Ida if we went on her show. Ida could get a makeover and Oprah could teach me how to better budget and set me up on a date with Stedman. Well, a boy can dream. ...I do believe this might be an actual ad for the Haight Ashbury Free Clinic circa 1969. I could be wrong. But, it is still fun to look at!!!

7 Comments:

Blogger ing said...

I do like that Oprah has helped sell some books. That's all I like about her, though. I just don't get the allure.

AAAAh, the free clinic. You're going to miss it when you get your insurance.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Debbi said...

I sometimes wonder just why Oprah believes she and her little group followers are the only one's in the world who read? yeah, I know there aren't a lot of us, but damn, she doesn't have to act like she is the Messiah of Books! and I swear she should start thinking of ways to get rid of all that bad Doctor Phil karma she racked up. I HATE Dr Phil, just for the record.

Debbi

12:05 AM  
Blogger ing said...

Dr. Phil seems just a leetle too earnest about other peoples' love lives. I hope he's good rather than the other thing. But Oprah? I think she's pretty much harmless. I don't mind a little book pushin' myself, and while I don't care for some of the books she's recommended, I really did love The Corrections. To each her own, I say. Everyone's taste in reading is unique, and that's reason enough.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Jon said...

Oprah? you can only say good things about her- if you don't, you will disappear in the middle of the night, never to be heard from again.

5:49 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Really? Gulp.

Matty! Where are you? Come back from your date!! Say something!! (I'm being overly-concerned. But you're happy and having fun, yeah?)

Okay, you're a grown man and very smart and much more worldly than me. I will back off. XO!

10:04 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Debbie -- Oh, now, you know that Oprah and her followers are always correct! It is there world -- we just pay rent in it! LOL!

Dr. Phil is just sick and wrong. ...telling women to lose weight. I mean, the guy is a porker! And, on top of that -- I read in Bitch magazine that he did a show on helping women gain self-esteem but gave out free boob jobs as "gifts" to his guests who felt that their boobs were too small. Sick and wrong. What hath Oprah wrought!?!?!

Jon -- That's true! I had a good friend who loved Oprah. Then she decided she disagreed with one of Oprah's opinions. She wrote a letter to Harpo Productions. ...well, I am here to tell you that my friend has been missing for over 5 years now. Funny thing is -- no one seems to miss her. Oprah sent us all free shoes.

Ing -- I love that you worry about me! The date. Well, it started off ok. He was going to take me dancing -- and you know how I love to dance. And he told me I was really "purty" -- but then, on the way to that little club in the mission, he stopped the car and these 12 other guys got in with us. I got a kind of queasy feeling when the car turned off toward Candle Stick Park -- then I was forced to service all 13 of them. It was horrible because they didn't have a pillow for me! But, all was cool because he took my picture and had me do a little jig to some old song. I think I am going to be on the cover of BUTT magazine! I am so excited, but worry what the Lord might think.

signed,
mattie page

10:13 PM  
Blogger Janie said...

I'm with you. I can't stand Oprah. she's so busy kissing celebrities asses, and making the show all about her. She once did a show on ppl afraid of commitment. hello? She and Stedman have been engaged for what?17 years?

7:10 AM  

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