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REFLECTIONS ON A YEAR OF ADVENTURE AND CHANGE...
I purchased my April MUNI pass yesterday. And, today is April 1st. Later this month it will be one year since I left Boston and moved to San Francisco to start "it" all over.
A year ago, I had spent a good deal of time trying to decide if I should move to NYC or to SF. In the end, I made the right decision. Not that it has been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. But, it has been a magical year full of self-discover, personal growth and a complete re-alignment of priorities/values. And, so much has changed. ...Nothing changes but the changes. Or, at least, that is what my Grandmother used to say. I always agreed with that.
A year ago at this time I weighed 230lbs. I now weigh 153lbs. Yay!
A year ago at this time I felt so very lost. Today I can safely say that I feel "found"
A year ago I wondered if there was such a thing as romantic love that was "real" -- today I know there is. Now, the key is to find it with someone who can return it to me.
A year ago I felt so very alone and lonely. Today I find that my life if filled with love and friendships --- and an even deeper appreciation of the friendships and love I share with souls outside of The Bay Area. I miss them so much, but I feel oddly closer to them than I did when I was closer. I have three friends here in SF who I love so deeply I can't even fully express it. They are my anchors of support --- I hope I am a rock of support for them. There names begin with "M" and "A" and "I" --- and all three have saved me on more than a few occasions. I doubt they even realize it. And, I never knew how quickly life bonds could develop.
Over the course of the last year or so I've learned how little money matters and have an even deeper appreciation of the priceless value of love.
I have discovered things about myself around the areas of strength, will, determination, sex, spirituality, writing, fear, love, anger, frustration, art, magic and joy. And, I am quite happy with what I've discovered.
My financial struggles continue but I think I see a light at the end of that tunnel. ...knocking on wood.
I left a job in which I was without hope and I think I have finally found a job in which I am happy. Who knew you could wake up looking forward to getting to "the office"!?!?
I walked away from a relationship that had taken a forever turn to sadness and I believe that we are both all the better for it.
A year later my heart has been filled, emptied, broken and re-filled again. My soul has been tested and I think I scored well. A year later I am proud of my life and my choices. A year ago I was embarrassed by them.
A year later I truly have no secrets. I am an open book and anyone is more than welcome to read it. If they opt to judge -- I could give a toss. It is my book. I am immune to reviews of scorn.
A year later I am as happy as I've ever been and no matter what comes my way as I move into my second year of adventure --- I know that no one can say I've not taken chances in life. And, I think I've managed to avoid what I used to be so concerned with --- mine is not a dull life. It is filled with surprises, interesting people and ideas.
I'm no pair of tumblin' dice but neither am I a stagnant pool of water.
As I approach my first year San Francisco anniversary and my 40th birthday this November I am eager, happy and curious to see what is waiting for me. A year ago I doubted the existence of a Higher Power. A year later I have never been more certain that SHE is there. I know this. I don't really "get" HER but I figure that once a human soul does it is probably time for a 'career change' and I'm not looking for that at this point.
Like Miss Jean Brodie, "Dear Geeels, I am in my prime!" However, I do know a fascist when I see one! And, I don't wear frilly scarves or ramble on about Italian art and French food. I do, however, sing the body electric as loudly as I can. ...maybe that is why the cool lady at the cafe just gave me a free Diet Coke.
April 1st iPod Shuffle:
"Spring Haze" by Tori Amos
"The Lizard Song" by Etienne De Rocher
"Apples On A Stick" by Crossover
"Fistful of Love" by Antony & The Johnsons
"(Far From) Home" by Tiga
"Sow Into You" by Roisin Murphy
"The Power of Orange Knickers" by Tori Amos
"Where Am I Going?" by Barbra Streisand
"Mad World" by Gary Jules
15 Comments:
Matty,
You're a source of strength, inspiration, and journey. I am pleased to my bones you and Ing are friends. One day I will tell you how you actually met.
But one year ago soon I will have put out the light of terrible pain and confusion; tho I floundered still in a nightmare of being distracted by the sight of high branches.
I wish I could say the same about wanting to run to the office, but I do have a pretty good position (people are much more wowed by it than I will ever be). The post allows me access to my second best therapist in the history of therapists. Still, I want to retrieve the person I was coming up three years ago. I was strong, and clean then, and I belonged to no one. My friend Ing was here and she looked like a rock n'roll doll baby at my graduation. She looked cool in the sun.
There must have been an eclipse because the world fell to its knees, an old friend was in terrible trouble, Ing went away, and the devil made a meal outta me.
I'm confusing years. I am looking forward to the coming move, to Barcelona, to meeting you this year, to applying for posts coast-to-coast in the fall. Oh, writing (you are a writer Matty), that too. My love, writing. My only.
-g+bb
Isn't it amazing the twists and turns and monumental changes that can take place in a year? In the grand scheme of things, a year is nothing, and yet look at how much has happened and continues to happen to you!
You say, "A year ago I doubted the existence of a Higher Power. A year later I have never been more certain that SHE is there." It seems to me that once you stop searching for the yes or no answer to the question of whether or not there's a "HIgher Power" that's when you truly open up to the intuitive feeling that there is. There must be.
Happy Early anniversary, Matt! Hugs!
I'm glad San Francisco is being good to you, but more importantly that life is being good to you and that YOU are being good to you :) You seem like a very grounded person who takes everything in stride and we all so enjoy reading about your ups and downs. And damn, that's a hell of a lot of weight to lose--better eat some cheese fries at the nearest diner ;)
Your look back on an eventful though difficult year is an almost edifying piece of writing, and your continued optimism is a quality I wish I had more of myself.
I wish you all the best for year #2.
Kai
I'm really glad that it's worked out for you starting anew in San Francisco. Like you said, it hasn't been easy completely, but it seems things have been real good for you.
You're my idol :-) Knowing all these things you've done for the past year, it's an ispiration Matt. I'll be in the same boat soon, but I've seen that things have a way of working itself out. Guess it's true when they say, you gotta have faith.
Reading about how you've made great friends there, makes me think of this one song. Not sure what the title was, but it goes "It's not how long we held each other's hand What matters is how well we loved each other." I can vaguely recall it being a love song, but it fits friendships just perfect also, dontcha think?
Now, if I can only get the formula for losing that weight,without going to the gym. Boy, I'd be all set.
Wishin you great things for another year ahead.
xxx
Are you .... with my friend? Hmm?
I'm not sure but your post had an astounding impact on my well being mister Matty and I cannot thank you enough. I'm being serious. I did something and I now feel better than I have in a few years. I mean it. Started with me wondering why I had been chosen to be taken for a particularly sordid ride.
Glad to be here. Now, my friend, she's on your lap. I would recognize those red locks anywhere!
-g+bb
Gina! Thank you --- and I'm thrilled that I might have had any sort of positive impact for you! And, yes, that Ms. Ingrid next to me! My brother took that picture last night. I'll post some pix with my next blog. We had fun this weekend! My brother was in town and today I dragged both Ing and my pal, Alan, to see a French film which turned out to be HORRIBLE! But, it was still fun! Can't wait to meet you!
Meredith -- I agree. It is hard to remember that bit of wisdom sometimes. However, we often spend too much time searching and not enough time living. Things have a way of becoming clear when you let them go and just enjoy the moment. ...and treasure the minutes as they pass.
Kris -- Like Gina, can't wait to meet you one of these days!
Jon! LOL! No! I'm at the weight I think I should be! And, don't worry! I eat plenty! LOL! How is New York! My bro was just here. He seemed to love SF, but I think he feels our "art scene" is inferrior to NYC --- and he's right. That is THE city. But this one is sort of magical.
Kai -- You have the power to find that optimism. Just make a decision to look at things from another perspective (and if you don't like what you're seeing --- change the course! Take a better path and do what will make you happy!) ---- Take a risk. Don't be afraid to go against the grain and tell the jerks who show up to get off your cloud!
Matt, things really turned around for me after I met you. I feel less lost every day (except on the days we go driving around San Francisco). Thank you for depositing that mil in my account and loaning me your jag. If I could pry the clogs off your feet and borrow them for just one day, I think I would feel completely settled.
Seriously, though, I had to dig pretty deep to find happiness before I met you, my friend. Now, I can't imagine not having you here in my city. (It's finally mine, now that I've driven to Colma and back.)
Here's my summary of the movie we saw, in case anyone should like to go see it. It's called L'intrus:
Some guy with a lot of moles next to his eyes seems to be killing women or else arranging for them to be killed (confusing on that point). Meanwhile, he's being stalked by a woman who appears to want to kill him because in one scene we see her riding a horse and dragging him through the snow while
he bleeds from the mouth. He, the main character, suddenly runs off to China and buys a very nice watch. Or maybe that was in Switzerland, which would make sense? Then he goes to Tahiti and winds up in the hospital.
The actor who plays him is extremely unattractive. His character is nude or seminude in many scenes & he gets laid once or twice by a woman he may have killed. She had lots of moles on her face.
The popcorn was yummy but I couldn't finish it.
Hey, Matty, I love your new profile picture -- muy sexy! And my hair looks really great; thanks!
Honestly Matt! You post one slutty picture and your whole blog layout goes to hell!
As we used to say in Essex..... sawt it ahhhht
Ing -- You mean more to me than you'll ever know. The love is flowing strong! Wasn't that movie horrible?!?!!? Oy! LOL!
Dessie -- Slutty? Moi? My page looked ok from work and on my laptop. ??? Hmmmm.... Maybe you caught an odd blog moment.
No it's still there. You have a whopper of a piccie down the left hand side
Dessie -- nope. nothing there on my mac or on my roommates ibm.
????
not sure what you're seeing...
Down on the left hand side, just above the link to your pictures, I see a large image of the profile picture. But I think it looks really nice there and at least on my mac, it doesn't look odd or anything. It's just a larger image of the profile picture. From what I can see, it's not anything to worry about. I'll bring my computer to work tomorrow so you can look at what I'm talking about, 'kay?
Must be an IE thing, maybe Macs resize it or something, but on mine the post part of the page only appears after the piccie - both on my PC at home and here at work
Ing -- Yeah, let me see. Because it looks the same to me as the last picture. I didn't change size but the shape of the picture is different.
Dessie --- 'dunno. my roommate has a DOS based laptop and we use DOS/IBM at work. And it looks normal on all 3 pc's when I log on. To me, anyway. But, maybe Ing can show me 'the light'
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