HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME OR THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE...


Well, who hasn't had his/her heart broken? If your heart has not been broken you're either telling yourself lies or you've not yet been brave enough to live. My heart has been broken several times. However, it was only recently that I think I ever experienced "true love" and that love tore my heart into little pieces. His loss, but it doesn't make any easier to absorb or wrap my brain around.

Yet, I have fallen into my own little fantasy of what will happen in about 10 years. And, I'm told that fantasies --- like dreams --- can come true.

It is a crisp fall day and I'm handing out flyers to this way cool art show my lover is holding in The Mission. My hand is raised to call attention to my love's show and to convince those walking by to take one. A friend stops me and compliments my stylish fashion sense. We start to have a meaningful conversation about life when I hear a frail voice call out my name --

"Matt?"

I turn around. It is him. The one whom I will always love but never have.

"How are you? It has been so long!"

He is uncomfortable. Small and bald, he is wealthy and dressed well but somehow he is uncomfortable in his skin as he attempts to talk to me. Regret fills his eyes with tears.

I walk toward him. For a minute we just look into each other's eyes thinking of all that could have been but was never allowed to be. I tilt my head and ask, "Are you happy?"

"Yes. Things are just great! Well, you know how it goes with me. It's all good."

"Yes," I agree.

A thin and fabulously vacant blond kid walks up behind him. The kid is looking at me with mistrust and confusion. "Honey, we have to go! I'm late for the appointment with the stylist and you promised!"

I smile. Tears come to my eyes, but I fight them back.

Ignoring his twink, he asks me -- "Are you happy?"

"Yes. I am."

And, for a moment, he comes to the realization that I am. The tears are not so much out of wanting him but out of pity for his having passed up the opportunity to share his life with the one person who loved him for him.

"We have to get going. We're only in San Francisco for two days and I have to make a speech at this thing in the Castro tonight."

I nod. The twink squeals as he sees a taxi coming down the street.

I take a few steps forward. My left hand reaches out and my finger tips run across his forehead. He is still beautiful, but he is not mine. The heart has healed.

"Goodbye" I whisper. A single tear runs down his cheek. He rushes to jump in the cab with his twink. I take a deep breath, turn, hold up my boyfriend's flyer and focus on securing an audience. ...the music swells. ...the credits roll. ...memories, like the corners of my mind.

This is my fantasy. This is my reality. This makes me sad.

"...I won't push you unless you have a net
You say the word you know I will find you
Or, if you need some time I don't mind
I don't hold on to the tail of your kite
...go on and fly then, boy."
Tori Amos, 2004