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Thursday, March 09, 2006


Well, who hasn't had his/her heart broken? If your heart has not been broken you're either telling yourself lies or you've not yet been brave enough to live. My heart has been broken several times. However, it was only recently that I think I ever experienced "true love" and that love tore my heart into little pieces. His loss, but it doesn't make any easier to absorb or wrap my brain around.

Yet, I have fallen into my own little fantasy of what will happen in about 10 years. And, I'm told that fantasies --- like dreams --- can come true.

It is a crisp fall day and I'm handing out flyers to this way cool art show my lover is holding in The Mission. My hand is raised to call attention to my love's show and to convince those walking by to take one. A friend stops me and compliments my stylish fashion sense. We start to have a meaningful conversation about life when I hear a frail voice call out my name --


I turn around. It is him. The one whom I will always love but never have.

"How are you? It has been so long!"

He is uncomfortable. Small and bald, he is wealthy and dressed well but somehow he is uncomfortable in his skin as he attempts to talk to me. Regret fills his eyes with tears.

I walk toward him. For a minute we just look into each other's eyes thinking of all that could have been but was never allowed to be. I tilt my head and ask, "Are you happy?"

"Yes. Things are just great! Well, you know how it goes with me. It's all good."

"Yes," I agree.

A thin and fabulously vacant blond kid walks up behind him. The kid is looking at me with mistrust and confusion. "Honey, we have to go! I'm late for the appointment with the stylist and you promised!"

I smile. Tears come to my eyes, but I fight them back.

Ignoring his twink, he asks me -- "Are you happy?"

"Yes. I am."

And, for a moment, he comes to the realization that I am. The tears are not so much out of wanting him but out of pity for his having passed up the opportunity to share his life with the one person who loved him for him.

"We have to get going. We're only in San Francisco for two days and I have to make a speech at this thing in the Castro tonight."

I nod. The twink squeals as he sees a taxi coming down the street.

I take a few steps forward. My left hand reaches out and my finger tips run across his forehead. He is still beautiful, but he is not mine. The heart has healed.

"Goodbye" I whisper. A single tear runs down his cheek. He rushes to jump in the cab with his twink. I take a deep breath, turn, hold up my boyfriend's flyer and focus on securing an audience. ...the music swells. ...the credits roll. ...memories, like the corners of my mind.

This is my fantasy. This is my reality. This makes me sad.

"...I won't push you unless you have a net
You say the word you know I will find you
Or, if you need some time I don't mind
I don't hold on to the tail of your kite
...go on and fly then, boy."
Tori Amos, 2004


Blogger ing said...

This must be fiction. I find it impossible to believe that anyone could turn you down, once they talked to you for a while.

11:12 PM  
Blogger matty said...

No, not fiction. I've got the scar on my heart to prove it. It is possible. For him I was a fling and now a friend with fuck buddy potential because I guess it was great sex for him.


I can't remember his name, tho.

Can you?

David? Dennis? I can't remember it?

11:21 PM  
Blogger snarl71 said...

This is too creepy. As I was reading this and realizing your fantasy was re-enacting Barbra Streisand's movie, "The Way We Were", the one single Babs song I have on my iPod came on: her duet with Judy Garland.


bald man? Who is this love of your life? Sounds like Michael Enos...and I'm sure that's not the ase.

6:35 AM  
Blogger Dessie said...

Is this the guy from LA? I get confused

11:25 AM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

ahhhh matty...your fantasy is much purer than mine.

in mine i look gorgeous - haven't aged a bit in 10 years - i am thin, toned and surrounded by lustful creatures hoping to catch my eye. I am certainly not handing out flyers - oh no. i am sipping latte. even though i prefer my coffee black in real life.

And when he calls my name - well i pretend not to recognise him for several moments until he is forced to remind me of his name.

at that point a fleeting recognition passes my face and i apologise for not remembering...commenting what crazy days those were and how i had clean forgotten...

12:53 PM  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

Those who have been there understand and appreciate this post. And someday, when it happens to them, so will the rest of them.

Great job as usual. (Right now I am loving the song by Dirty Sanchez that you sent me)

2:02 PM  
Blogger Captain Carl said...

Arrr....ay think Janey was dreamin about the Capt......

The Capt finds it best to be a rock......

Heartbreaker....Love taker....dont you mess around with me...........

3:38 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Matty, his name's NOT ____________!

In my fantasy I'm not handing out flyers. I'm swinging in a swing (wearing a beautiful full white skirt, no grass stains or anything) and I'm going higher and higher and at the apex I gp flying and soar gracefully through the air, and I land right in Beck's arms. Oh, and I do not squish him. He says, "At last," and I just nod knowingly.

The rest of it happens in a pretty little abandoned building that smells like wood.

4:28 PM  
Blogger ginab said...

Oh, I've got a couple of stories brewing...to get to once I return from study ville, to do with this very kind of fantasy. When a person doesn't love back, Matty, I believe there is something wrong with them. No, we cannot force love or enforce love, but yet 'they' cannot be let off so easily. Just happens hearts are torn, but I cannot believe the lack of it in return exposes no reason for the tear. Just realize perhaps as I am aiming to do: there's something wrong with "them".


7:37 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Karl -- I would have thought you had enjoyed the Guilty Pleasures CD, but instead you went for the gayest Barbra moment out there! Duet with Judy?!?!?
And, Karl, Micheal died in 1998. Did you forget?

Dessie -- I don't know. I can't remember. I'm confused, too!

Jungle Jane -- I like your fantasy better. But, my reality is so bittersweet and sad. So, my fantasy has to fit the groove.

Hot Toddy -- Dirty Sanchez is awesome! They are touring with MyLifeWithThrillKillKult!! Their first full CD comes out in a couple of months. I'm all excited!!!

Captain Carl Action Figure! Great. Now, everyone knows. ...my fantasy is all about you. It hurts, Captn Carl! It hurts.

Ing -- ...but, I thought you were married to Beck. Or was that all a dream after all?

Gina -- Yes. I do think it is all his loss. He could have had total love, devotion and hot sex 24/7, but fear of the "C" word made him run away. Whatever. I do think we will always be friends. But, it makes me sad.

10:14 PM  
Blogger ginab said...

friends? That I don't understand. I don't understand how anyone incapable of love can be a friend. My view doesn't come from watching too much television or rereading the Bible. Could be I am not mature enough (I was told that by someone who insisted he was my friend). I think friends are chosen and believe me I would not choose a friend who treated people coldly, glib-like, wishy-washy. Just not good enough to be my friend.


What's up with Ing's blog?

6:32 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Gina -- I don't disagree. Tho, I think I only present one side of an idea. And, I wrote a fantasy. Of course I would be lying if I didn't admit to the sadness, but I do not see this a rejection of me but of romantic love with me. I do believe and know that this person loves and cares about me. He shows it in a lot of little ways all of the time. But, not in the way that I would most wish or want. So it goes. He is a good guy.

And, in reality, I will meet someone sometime. As will he. ...and it will not be a superficial twink. LOL! Jeez! I hope he doesn't read this post. It might upset him. Ooops.

But, he is a friend. I just need to get myself around the idea that he is a friend and not a lover plus friend.

I don't know what's up with Ing's blog. It appears to be doing the same thing mine did last week. Blogger issues I suspect.

10:58 AM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

fuck matty you are soooooooo much more grown up than me. so accepting. when this happened to me a while ago i gnashed my teeth, wailed like a baby and made a voodoo doll out of him. friends? bah - as if!

i wanna be ambient like you!

1:56 PM  
Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

oh i just love them and leave them. so many hearts to break...so little time...

4:06 PM  
Blogger ing said...

It's so hard (for me) to find the equilibrium. How does one make a friend and be a friend to someone who seems to want too much, too fast? I just dated a nice, smart, cute guy, but he keeps pressuring me and it's a little off-putting. I would love to get to know him and find out how I feel, but he's in such a hurry!

I don't know what's wrong with my blog either. Probably more blogger issues. Hope it doesn't last too long.

4:44 PM  
Blogger digitic said...

Hummm ... this wouldn't happen to have anything to do with that mime in the gorilla suit on the jungle gym in Golden Gate Park would it?

I swear, I thought he was JOKING!!! I really did.

He was kind of cute though, wasn't he? If only he had just said something ...

4:44 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Oh Captain, you love so well and yet so cruel!

Ing -- oy! pushing is never good. no one should be holding the tail of your kite. It is just blogger. Am sure you will be up and running later tonight or on the morrow!

Milly -- Well, I told you that you needed to get over your hang-up regarding men who like to dress up as wild animals. ...it can be hot. I perfer my lover to wear one of those big deer heads with antlers. Really gets me off...

5:12 PM  
Blogger Robert said...

Life can be like that. Chin up my friend, and today is a beautiful day.

11:59 AM  
Blogger joe said...

love conquers all! love will set us free! love will show us where we belong! oh fuck love. it sucks when love fucks you over.

9:50 PM  

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