THE MEANING OF LIFE, ODD DINNER PARTIES, MUSICAL LOVERS & PANCAKES...

This morning began quite late for me. I woke up at 9am, opened up my iTunes to LemonJelly and fell back into sleep listening to the electronic ramblings. I got up a little before 11am. Headed out to find a pair of black slacks that would fit me. Finally found a 29/32, but am had to go with pleated. Ugh. Not too cool. I had my iPod on an endless loop of the 2 dueling 12" mixes of "No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)" by Barbra & Donna. Aside from letting LemonJelly woe me back to slumber, this is all I've heard this morning. I love comparing and contrasting the two versions. Columbia Records released a 9 minutes version that is classic old-skool disco filled with those wondrous orchestral disco arrangements and enhanced mixing so that Barbra's vocals totally eclipse those of Donna. Then there is the by far more polished mix by Giorgio Moroder for the Casablanca Records 12" version which runs for just under 12 minutes. And, of course, this one is mixed so that Donna's vocals are cranked up to 11 and Barbra's are lowered to an 8 or so. ...and that great little diva dig where you can hear Donna urging Barbra to "C'mon!" as Barbra starts to jump into a verse. But, the one thing that all the trickery of Moroder and Bob Esty can't change is the moment toward the end of the song when Babs and D just belt out that chorus and quite nearly blow out by iPod headset. Such great disco fun.

However, dear friends, this is not the purpose of my posting. I want to tell you about --- last night. I might as well. It is bound to get out at some point and I'd like to be the source to give you the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. You see, it all began innocently enough. Ing met me at my new and way-cool office and we went out. Ing had a bit of an adventure on her way to meet me, but that is her story to tell. Suffice to say that if you should ever be cruising the streets of San Francisco on your cute little Vespa scooter -- steer clear of Ing's path. Failure to do so could be quite tragic! However, I digress.

We had a lovely dinner, followed by a great movie and then a stroll thru the beauty that is The Tenderloin where Ing and I were accosted right and left by dirty people begging us for money. One particularly creepy man offered me a newspaper for Ing. I did my best not to kick him, but Ing gave him a few coins because she's just that kind of person. Once we made it to our destination, a great little dinner from the 40's that makes the best damn pie you'll ever find!

We ordered our sweets and talked for several hours about life, love, sex and politics. We spoke of friends, family, lovers, ex-lovers and those who we hope to be our lovers. Then, as I took my last sip of Diet Coke, Ing pulled out a book and began to read to me. Amid the social misfits inhabiting the dinner at 1am I was enraptured by the spell of a story by Tobias Wolf. And, if ever I have the guts to want to read my writing I plan on getting Ing to read it. Great voice and phrasing. The story was quite effective and left us both feeling drained.

I looked over at Ing with tears in my eyes and asked, "Ing, will I ever know love?"

Ing took my hand (after she wiped off the whip cream and chocolate syrup) and told me, "Matty, yes. You will know love. In fact, I am taking you to my home because I want you to meet someone. A very important person in my life. And, I think I might be able to arrange for you to meet the man who will bring you the love you so desperately desire. It's going to be OK, sweetie."

Well, how can I tell you what happened next? We got in Ing's car and drove down some back streets -- only a few cyclists were harmed. And, suddenly, I realized we were up at the top of Nob Hill.

"Ing? I didn't know you lived up here?"

"Matty, very few people do know that I live here. However, I am opening this truth up to you."

We drove into the driveway of a palace. Exotic plants grew over everything and the air smelled of tropical flowers and incense. Ing led me into her home. It was expansive and lovely. Decorated in a sort of retro-cool that so many aspire but seldom reach. Belle & Sabastian could be heard as she led me to a stunning dining area. I believe they were singing a song called "White Collar Boy" --- it was magnificent.

"Have a seat, Matty. I am going to introduce you to my lover."

"Wow! Ing? You have a lover?"

"Yes, this is our home."

Ing walked out of the room. Belle & Sebastian crooned on to a new song called "The Blues Are Still Blue" and suddenly life started to make sense. This is what life is all about. This is what life is meant to be. This, my friends, is the meaning of life. I heard the clearing of a throat behind me and there he was. Standing in a way that indicated he wasn't quite sure he was comfortable meeting me. His blonde hair was messed up in a way that showed meticulous care and, despite the warmth of their home -- he wore a way-cool jacket. He was holding Ing's hand. He raised her hand to his full lips and gently kissed it. That's when I noticed the wedding band on Ing's finger. She must have noticed my eyes looking at her ring.

"Yes, Matty. We are married, but we are not comfortable letting people know. Beck is really focused on recording his new record and --"

Beck raise his thin hand and spoke of his love for Ing and the fact that she and his music were all that mattered to him.

"But, Beck, what about me?"

Suddenly, I felt self-conscious. Ing sighed and told me that she and Beck were going to make me some dinner because they knew I must be famished. And, indeed I was. Aside from my shock regarding Ing's secret life up on Nob Hill with Beck I was starving!

The doorbell rang. Beck called from the kitchen and asked me if I could answer the door. I walked back thru the hall to the door. Well, I can't begin to tell you how I felt when I discovered Andy Gibb standing there in the darkness of a the crisp San Francisco night.

"Are you Matt?"
"Andy?"
"No, my name is Hot Toddy. Sexy Hot Toddy. I've been told I look a bit like the late Andy Gibb. Matt, I want you. I need you."

This was just too much. I ran away from Sexy Hot Toddy with tears in my eyes? Had he come all the way from across the country just to meet me or to hang with Ing & Beck.

Ing caught me just as I was running toward a room that seemed to be wall-paper'd in leather. (???) She held me tight. Told me to get a grip and led me back to the dining area where Beck and Sexy Hot Toddy sat. And, there at the end of the table was a plate of pancakes just for me.
As my fork sliced thru the buttery syrup covered pancakes my heart filled with joy. All was good with the world. Beck began to tell us how President Bush had been accidentally killed by Vice President Cheney while the two were cleaning their guns. Cheney had suffered a heart attack and it didn't look good. We all smiled as Belle & Sebastian continued singing something about the price of tea ---- then, as we laughed about Condy Rice's fatal shoe store accident I could have sworn I heard someone singing the theme song to that odd Dudley Moore flick, BEDAZZLED.

And, then -- just when I thought my heart would bust -----

...I woke up.