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Saturday, November 18, 2006

THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF DESPAIR

...We've all been there. Don't try to deny it. You wake up and everything just seems to be wrong or more than a little off. Life tosses a lot of curve balls. Now, I don't know much about basketball. But, while I may not be able to catch all of Life's Curve Balls -- I am usually able to dodge them. And, Kids, trust me. I do know a thing or two about the passive/aggressive game of golf. No, I mean -- football. Or, is it called dodge-the-ball-as-the-mean-3rd-grader-pelts-you-in-the-groin. Well, I guess that's not really true. I don't know much about sports. But, I'm an expert when it comes to the pleasures of the flesh. So, I know one or two things about balls. And, it is always best to apply a little extra pressure at the base if they are a bit too anxious.

Kids, what I'm trying to say is: you have to find ways to cope when things get you down. Quite often, when the sunny sky seems gray or the weight of being old and poor really hits me -- I don't cry and wallow in my self pity! Sure, sometimes you have to do that. Tho, I don't recommend falling apart at Pier 39. ...this tends to upset the tourist and gets the sea lions all tense. It is also a bad idea to embark on a full-on Pity Party With Breakdown on the Golden Gate Bridge. Trust me on this one. Strangers tend to either pull you off the bridge, ask you to take their pictures or encourage you to take a jump off into the water. And, inevitably, these dudes in red uniforms show up and quite literally force you into a van and you end up spending 48 hours in a smelly place where you have to discuss your feelings and have no access to sharp objects or chocolate. Sucks.

No. What I do is really quite simple.

I like to go to a happy place. A site like Union Square or a lovely San Francisco park filled with dogs and happy people. I have my Diet Coke and my journal. I sit both down on the ground and just start to sing my little dark heart out!

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"

Sometimes, I will do a bit of a dance. I like to do a variation on some Julie Andrews and late 70's John Travolta moves. A Hollywood Dance Smash-Up, if you will. I normally sing the song about 5 to 20 times and dance about in free abandon.

...I don't feel any better, but the kids seem to enjoy it. Sometimes I even get handed spare change. Normally, a beefy cop shows up and asks me to move along. If I ask why he usually threatens to "take me in" --- Cops are so sweet and sexy to me. It is at that point I pick up my journal and Diet Coke and head out to find a friend like Ing or Alan --- or my B if he isn't too busy hiding behind large objects as I sing. Sometimes one can fight off the despair that life gives us by simply showing up at a friend's work cubicle or station and jumping up and down. Or, if you're like me, a nice little bit of stripping at a quiet book store is a nice idea. Well, it is an idea. It normally doesn't do much other than upset the book seller and her customers. Especially if you start to strip during a reading group. ...Something about causing the group's focus to shift away from the matter at hand and it all being far too inappropriate when discussing Henry Miller. I don't know. I don't know too much about recycling. But, what I'm trying to write is that we should turn to our friends when we feel blue or down.

...and, Julie Andrews. She rocks and had really nice tits well into her 50's.
"...Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things!"

Then, of course, there are always pretty lights one can string up around poles. However, I think a permit might be required for that. The important thing is to laugh, play lots of Goldfrapp, eat chocolate, and ignore your boss. Try to be green. But, keep in mind - it isn't easy being green.

22 Comments:

Blogger ing said...

When I feel bad, I show my tits. But I haven't perfected the mimelike facial expressions of Julie Andrews.

I'm a little sad that a nun has to show her tits in order to ease her depression. I thought that kind of thing was for the secular. Matty, I wish you had some tits in your moments of need.

8:08 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Fear not, dear friend --- after our Turkey Feast I am likely to develop full-tits! Still, nothing beats singing about my favorite things in a disco manner.

...I might be able to assist you with your facial mugging.

9:09 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Oh, and we're getting the holiday tree and I'm a wee bit worried. B seems to be gravitating toward a traditional fake tree vs. the neon pink one I was wanting. What with you designing Martha-inspired decorations -- I worry that my Goldfrapp Winter Solstice is about to become a Norman Rockwell moment in the Castro. A bit worrying, but I'm tough. However, the two of you should be prepared for some lively Barbra Xmas music! ...I'm just sayin'.

Did Bonnie Prince Billy ever release any holiday festive tunes?!?!?

9:12 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Old Cheeser! Oh, I liked your comment and you took it away! But, just so you know -- I do agree! And, yes, that was the song! ...Maybe I should start singing that one! Have a great weekend!

11:23 AM  
Blogger Old Cheeser said...

Hey Matt - I've put it back again! Pedantic old me realisd I'd made an error and have now corrected it ...

Julie Andrews said it all I think. "My Favourite Things" should be a mantra for all of us. I used to be able to play that song on the piano. Perhaps I should take it up again, buy a portable keyboard or something. Then like your good self, Matt, I could go out on the streets and do public renditions. I'm sure everyone would REALLY appreciate that.

Loved the Julie-tits shot by the way - brings back memories of "SOB". I never really liked Blake Edwards' movies - very crass and vulgar. Most of "SOB" was pretty sh*t from what I can remember, however, our Julie did a wonderful job of rendering what could have been a truly scandalous moment in her career - i.e. baring her breats - completely ridiculous. And what was that song called - "Polly wolly doodle all day"??! Honestly!!

3:40 PM  
Blogger ing said...

Polly wolly? What a spunky gal. . .

Now, if all it takes is a little turkey to sprout some tits, start carving!

We will NOT have a Norman Rockwell Christmas. I will be making decorations (and so will you, I hope). If B starts going into a Rockwellian frenzy, we will spraypaint the tree blue!!!

I know what you like, Matty. You like all things sparkly and twinkly. It will be the best Christmas ever! Martha Stewart will rip off her top!

6:49 PM  
Blogger Topher said...

Your post made me smile! Thanks. I just envisioned some of this scenarios and it made me laugh. Stripping at a bookstore...getting the sea lions tense...lol

Maybe I can try at Ing's!? Those folks won't see me again *grins

6:10 AM  
Blogger Matt said...

OMG I like "My Favorite Things"....I'll write more... :)

7:24 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Old Cheeser! Yay!

Ing -- Let's spary paint the fake tree blue anyway!!!! If Martha rips her top off -- I get to sell the pix, k?

Kris! Yes, Ing enjoys it when folks show up at her shop, sing showtunes and strip. She usually calls the police, tho. So run quick! Oh, and, respond to my email!!!! I just accepted an invitation for Monday night and I am no longer sure of your travel plans!?!?!?

matt! You're now the bday boy! Ha! Ha!

10:37 AM  
Blogger Brookelina said...

Goldfrapp!!!!

6:52 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Brooke! Wow! Never has a true-er word been written. You are correct! I was wrong. For instant happiness and glitter --- IT IS AND MUST BE GOLDFRAPP!!!

7:12 PM  
Blogger Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Oh dear, dear Matty, this warmed my weary heart.
And I would love it so much, if next time you sing of raindrops of roses for the kids, you could manage to get some video of it.
Oh yes, and please don't wait for the policeman do it in the nude.
I feel sure that would drive away the clouds hovering over my soul.
Anytime you feel the need to sing showtunes in the nude, don't hesitate, you can turn to me.

7:50 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Daniel! Yay! Well, if I were there, I would strip down and sing RIDE A WHITE HORSE! ...I like to think it might make you feel good but you're likely to run for fear! My nude performances don't bring in what they used to!

7:54 PM  
Blogger Kalvin said...

I'm truly envious. You've been able to write about your sadness without wallowing in it. I don't even usually post on when I'm feeling down because it usually brings other people down. And trust me, you can't get any more norman rockwell than my boyfriend in the castro (sigh)...but I'm hoping that his holiday spirit wings will have been somewhat clipped after many of his decorations were destroyed in an unfortunate rain incident...

8:33 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Kalvin - I think you write very well! I always enjoy your blog! Actually, "B" is not at all Rockwellian. I was teasing him because he has never had a holiday tree before. I enjoy the tackiness of it all and I always gravitate toward sparkles and glitter. So, he is being dragged into a sort of holiday spirit wether he likes it or not. I also convinced him to go with the most unreal looking plastic tree we could find. He wasn't thrilled about it. LOL!

...I'd like to decorate it in all Elvis ornaments --- you know, the bloated 70's era Elvis.

...but, I think we all get down. Especially this time of year.

Polly Wolly doodle...

9:27 PM  
Blogger lryicsgrl said...

Hi Matt,

I love the way you write....I came here, by way of Gina's last post......you were right on...the part of about us sensing the ground a bit closer (or close to it)

I remember when I first saw S.O.B....with Mary Poppins popping out her breasts.....oh my!!! But, as they say; "if you got it, flaunt it"...

take care

-Sue

4:32 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Sue! Thanks for stopping by --- I will have to check out your site! And, thank you! You've made my day and start my short work week off in a great way. Yeah, my father took me to see SOB when it came out. I had no clue as to what we were about to see. I think it says a lot about how much things have changed in the media and in the way we view "our" movie stars. It was so shocking to see Mary Poppins flash us -- and curse. Of course, I also remember being shocked that she was even in 10. Now, tho. I don't think it would be so surprising to see it. Interesting. But, she looked awesome!

6:26 AM  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

Sometimes all it takes for me is an afternoon on the couch watching Oprah/Dr Phil. Weird, huh?

Great post!

3:55 PM  
Blogger Joshua said...

Hang in there, bud!

1:40 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Hot Toddy!!!! How are you!?!?!? Yes, Dr. Phil and O help millions every day. Hot Toddy, It's an addiction!

Joshua -- Thanks! I always do!

6:31 AM  
Blogger ginab said...

Boobs glorious boobs!

jeepers. I hope my ones see the light of day sooner!

And otherwise good for you for burdening the dog park of glee with your dark heart. I bet your journal is jealous. Be sure to take care and pay plenty of attention to the journal. To the beloved, because my pup (you don't mind if I call you pup, do you?), YOU CAN WRITE!

Beabs too just read your post and she is most impressed!

-ginab

7:04 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Gina - I can't wait to meet you! ...and, thank you! ...and, yes, I'd love to be called "pup" by you!!! Gave me a smile!

7:27 PM  

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