THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF DESPAIR

...We've all been there. Don't try to deny it. You wake up and everything just seems to be wrong or more than a little off. Life tosses a lot of curve balls. Now, I don't know much about basketball. But, while I may not be able to catch all of Life's Curve Balls -- I am usually able to dodge them. And, Kids, trust me. I do know a thing or two about the passive/aggressive game of golf. No, I mean -- football. Or, is it called dodge-the-ball-as-the-mean-3rd-grader-pelts-you-in-the-groin. Well, I guess that's not really true. I don't know much about sports. But, I'm an expert when it comes to the pleasures of the flesh. So, I know one or two things about balls. And, it is always best to apply a little extra pressure at the base if they are a bit too anxious.

Kids, what I'm trying to say is: you have to find ways to cope when things get you down. Quite often, when the sunny sky seems gray or the weight of being old and poor really hits me -- I don't cry and wallow in my self pity! Sure, sometimes you have to do that. Tho, I don't recommend falling apart at Pier 39. ...this tends to upset the tourist and gets the sea lions all tense. It is also a bad idea to embark on a full-on Pity Party With Breakdown on the Golden Gate Bridge. Trust me on this one. Strangers tend to either pull you off the bridge, ask you to take their pictures or encourage you to take a jump off into the water. And, inevitably, these dudes in red uniforms show up and quite literally force you into a van and you end up spending 48 hours in a smelly place where you have to discuss your feelings and have no access to sharp objects or chocolate. Sucks.

No. What I do is really quite simple.

I like to go to a happy place. A site like Union Square or a lovely San Francisco park filled with dogs and happy people. I have my Diet Coke and my journal. I sit both down on the ground and just start to sing my little dark heart out!

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"

Sometimes, I will do a bit of a dance. I like to do a variation on some Julie Andrews and late 70's John Travolta moves. A Hollywood Dance Smash-Up, if you will. I normally sing the song about 5 to 20 times and dance about in free abandon.

...I don't feel any better, but the kids seem to enjoy it. Sometimes I even get handed spare change. Normally, a beefy cop shows up and asks me to move along. If I ask why he usually threatens to "take me in" --- Cops are so sweet and sexy to me. It is at that point I pick up my journal and Diet Coke and head out to find a friend like Ing or Alan --- or my B if he isn't too busy hiding behind large objects as I sing. Sometimes one can fight off the despair that life gives us by simply showing up at a friend's work cubicle or station and jumping up and down. Or, if you're like me, a nice little bit of stripping at a quiet book store is a nice idea. Well, it is an idea. It normally doesn't do much other than upset the book seller and her customers. Especially if you start to strip during a reading group. ...Something about causing the group's focus to shift away from the matter at hand and it all being far too inappropriate when discussing Henry Miller. I don't know. I don't know too much about recycling. But, what I'm trying to write is that we should turn to our friends when we feel blue or down.

...and, Julie Andrews. She rocks and had really nice tits well into her 50's.
"...Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things!"

Then, of course, there are always pretty lights one can string up around poles. However, I think a permit might be required for that. The important thing is to laugh, play lots of Goldfrapp, eat chocolate, and ignore your boss. Try to be green. But, keep in mind - it isn't easy being green.