MATTY DOES YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

I thought I had spotted and tracked yak (or quite possibly a llama) while we were exploring the Yosemite National Park this weekend. However, I was told that the beast was actually a deer. Luckily, the mounty stopped me just before I was about to deal the final blow. Apparently, one can only club baby seals. One is not to ever club yaks, llamas, poodles or deer for any reason at any time. Well, you learn something new every day --- and my weekend at Yosemite was no exception!

And, one should only remove the pelt of a baby seal after it has been club'd to death. And, one should never attempt to remove the pelt of a live yak at no time. I guess it is considered even worse if the live yak turns out to be a living deer. It upsets park rangers and children alike. The mounty explained this to me as B paid him $500 to avoid my being shackled to a tree and beaten by a mob of angry tourists. That would not have been much fun.
...please do not feed, club or skin the yaks! It's the law!

I also learned that, should an angry bear appear and attempt to attack/eat you, all that need be done is to take an ordinary stove top pot and a frying pan, bang them together -- and the horrific monster of an animal will run away from you for dear life. Who knew? Tho, this is useless information for him now --- it would have been nice if that dude from GRIZZLY MAN had known this. I mean, he could have prevented that bear from eating both himself and his girlfriend. Sigh. So it goes.

I did see The Blair Witch. No matter how hard one tries, sometimes you just can't reach other people. I was unable to convince anyone else that the lady serving us behind the salad bar at the lodge was THE evil spirit better known in the Washington State Mountains, but she was! And, she seemed hellbent on stealing and eating Yosemite National Park children! But, I know what I know. I did my best to warn those around me. What more can a boy do?!?!?

I also noted how alarmingly similar some Yosemite trees are to human genitalia. I saw a pussy tree and a penis stick. And, much to the amusement of a Boy Scout team, B discovered a tit bush. A rather large tit bush I might add. Interestingly, these were all located along the lower Yosemite Falls trail. B did not see any mountain lions, but he did spot a large man seated behind an odd tree reading a big book.

We saw a couple of men climbing what appeared to be a large rock but I am fairly certain it was just a grizzles mountain with a waterfall. B explained to me that all mountains are really just rocks. I can hardly imagine Julie Andrews running about singing about that baby coming to life with the sound of music, but what do I know of mountains and wayward nuns? However, from what I was able to gather from B and The Blair Witch, the earth is actually just a big rock --- third one from the sun, in fact. But, B's brother pulled me aside and confirmed what I'd always suspected. You got it. The earth is actually a soft puff ball on the flea of a giant dog on Planet Nuko. I knew it all along. A, B's bro, asked me to keep this between just he and I but I feel the need to share this knowledge with you.

Oh, and I learned that when one is in full admiration of the majestic surroundings of Yosemite National Park it will not please everyone if you strip off your clothes and dance about your ode to nature. Apparently, going nude at Yosemite is not considered cool and gets you a ticket from which no amount of bribe offers or sexual favors will gain release. I learned this the hard way. I hope this helps those of you who might be so inspired. I also learned another valuable lesson: sometimes the beauty of nature will seem to create a feeling of warmth and goose bumps. Well, my friends, sometimes that feeling is just gas. And, well --- you guessed it. This mistake in understanding your emotions will generate a hefty fine and a series in stern lectures from park rangers and your boyfriend. However, I do feel that there needs to be a serious review of the rather prudish sex and hunting laws of the park.

Anyway, Yosemite is pretty. Just don't go clubbing the yaks, bothering The Blair Witch when she is busy entrancing children at the salad bar, or dance about naked. Mind these suggestions and you might have a good time. ...And learn a few things along the way! Oh, and watch out for that tourist with the thick Bavarian accent. She is trouble with a capital "T" --- I refuse to go into detail but let's just say that her sense of fun borders on the obscene and I, for one, was shocked!

It's good to be back home!
Kisses,
Matty