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Friday, October 06, 2006

AS THE FAG TURNS...

While depositing my sad little pay check I had a bit of a wait in line. A long wait. Out of boredom I decided to look up at the bank monitor which normally screens CNN. I was surprised to discover something very different on the screen. I'm not sure what the following experience says about me but I shall share it with you because it amused me. Instead of the pancake made-up CNN anchors informing me of never-ending tragedies from the bank monitor there were three rather gay looking guys/actors doing their very best to act macho in some scene with a sports car in a garage. All three were wearing those flimsy worksuits and all three had their chests exposed. At this point, I thought to myself:

"This is too funny. How will they work in blowjobs and fuck scenes?!?!?"

Then, I thought, "Is the bank screening gay porn now? I mean, this is San Francisco but this might be a bit much. Gay porn in the bank. What is next?"

But, I simply watched as these fancy boys acted as macho as their little pecs would allow and thought, "This can't be a Chi-Chi LaRue production or Bel Ami product. The camera work sucks and the lighting is far too dark. The music is odd for a porn. What porn company made this? When will the sex start? This sucks ---"

...And, then, the picture of the three "straight-acting" actors faded to black and a voice from the monitor informed me that this was The Days Of Our Lives. This wasn't gay porn. This was a soap opera which looked like gay porn in the making.

Oy.

So, B smokes. A lot. And, my best friend, Ms. Ing had recently began smoking. I smoked for over a decade when I was a kid and stopped in 1987 or so. It is hard to live and love a smoker and to be pals with a smoker when you don't smoke but really want to --- so about two weeks ago I was feeling a bit stressed. I know that both B and Ing like their cigs because they seem to need them to deal with stress. So, I cop'd a ciggie out of B's pack and lit up. I stepped out on to our fire escape and took it in. It was pure bliss. I began to crave my old brand of Salem --- I loved Salem. I loved it because of that cool burn of Menthol. I immediately ran out and bought a pack. The packaging had changed but it was still the same classic cig. ...just look! Free, cool, relaxed, sexy and breezy. I mean - what's a bit of cancer?!?!? I've heard Iron Lungs can be fun!

Then, the protests started. Both B and Ing were upset that I was smoking. For some reason it was OK that they smoked but I should not. Now, B used the stance of "Do as I say and not as I do" -- this approach will not work with me. But, it was Ing who managed to convince me to toss out my pack after only 3 days of smoking nirvana. She told me that she had quit and this meant that I had to as well. She would not have us both smoking. So that worked. But, she slipped up the other night. I want to slip up. And, now, some friends of mine have decided that they enjoy smoking every other day at lunch time. What makes this really annoying is that these friends of mine do not know how to smoke. So, when I am sitting near them and they light up there is an incredible amount of smoke as they do not know how to properly inhale. So, I am forced to sit in a smog of warm smoke that seems to be calling me to it like a siren in heat. Thank goodness these friends of mine don't smoke weed. That would be a waste.

Anyway, I will continue to fight the urge to smoke. I sure wish B and Ing would just quit already. It ain't easy. B smokes Camels -- the cigs of death and Ing smokes (when she falls off the wagon) some no name brand with a Native American on the carton. Sigh.

14 Comments:

Blogger Matt said...

Rumors have it that some of the soap opera guys, before emerging into sitcom stardom, did softcore playgirl type of prints. Anyway...

Don't smoke Matty!!!!!!! Don't!

I'm in a friend's wedding tomorrow...but let's hang out before I leave for Asia on Tuesday. Okay?

7:08 PM  
Blogger Fourhorsemen said...

Liz is a survivor! Lived in SF myself from 84 to 97. Potrero Hill (19th and Connecticut) and then out in the fog belt on Vicente.


DO NOT SMOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Buy sunflower seeds and fiddle with breaking them open and eating them. Remember, smoking gives money to that shit sack in the white house, and to his crime family.

8:39 PM  
Blogger Brookelina said...

Where I can get that dvd at the top? I have to have it.

Oh la la la!!!

5:48 AM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

*puffs a ciggie and loudly yells DON'T SMOKE at matty*...

6:38 AM  
Blogger matty said...

matt! LOL! I believe it! These three guys were so gay. I was wondering how any one would believe that they were straight. ...and, the acting was soooo bad. But, there was certainly camp value and they were dressed in a most spiffy style! Oh, I don't know I can meet up with you before you leave ---- but call me Monday!

fourhorsemen - Yes, is she ever!!! I got lost in the Potrero Hill area just the other day. ...don't ask. I know you're right. I am not going to take up smoking. But, it is so hard when so many people around me smoke and I used to be such a hard-smoker. Of course, I would have the same problem around drug-taking. Luckily, none of my friends are junkies. LOL!

Brooke! Ummmmm, yes. Delicious looking, isn't it? I bet you could find it with one google search!! I've not seen in it. I was just looking for some gay porn DVD art that didn't feature hardcore action on it. LOL! (that's harder than one would think!)

JUNGLE JANE!!!!! You're back!!! We've all missed you!!!!! I'm sending you a note!!! And, yes, this is the general message that I seem to get! LOL!

11:37 AM  
Blogger ing said...

It's like this: I, according to YOU, am not allowed to ride my bicycle unless I wear a helmet. But YOU don't think you'd look cool in a helmet, so YOU don't wear one.

Ehhhhhh?

Anyhoo, if I try very hard not to smoke, does that mean that you'll do the same? I want to live! I want you to spoon feed me when I'm 100 years old! (You don't age, as far as I can tell, so you'll be spoon-feeding me -- you can count on it.)

7:43 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Oh Matty, it's because your so sweet and angelic, to see you smoking is just wrong.
I'm lapsing into Mama mode... "You be a good boy now, set a good example for B and Ing. Here, have a cookie."

9:46 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Ing -- 2-Shay (I know not the French spelling for 'your point is well made' or 'point well recieved!') ...True, true, true. But, you still have to wear your little helmet. Besides, you look hot in it. ...And, you will succeed in quitting! You have before and shall again! Um, you age much better than me! I already get lost in my own hallway so I do fear it shall be you who spoon feeds me. But, that is a whole other posting. LOL!

Lovely Meredith! I always suspected I was like an angel. Now that you have confirmed this I guess I understand! LOL! Now, can you pass me more cookies?

10:05 AM  
Blogger Robert said...

Smoking bad, sex good! :-)

And that grey haired guy in the ad, he's prolly dead!

11:58 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Robert! Yes! Sex is better than good -- it is fantastic!!! I hope the cute man isn't dead. sad.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Matty.

This will not do.

Don't you have better and more fabulous things on which to spend your hard earned cash?! You KNOW you do.

Menthol is the worst. They used to have signs in Dana Farber saying "If You Smoke Menthol Cigarettes, We Can't Help You". Terrifying.

And Light Cigarettes aren't light, remember that.

And lung cancer is only one of the lovely end effects; bladder cancer is never cool, nor is colorectal cancer. They do not even have cool accessories like the ever popular Iron Lung. *eyeroll*

Matty love, this has to go. Be strong! Be safe! Be healthy!

But I love you no matter what.

4:59 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

There was something in the news the other day saying that menthol ciggies are actually more addictive than regular ones - so fight the urge Matty before it's too late!!

4:06 PM  
Blogger Kalvin said...

I can't say anything about not smoking. If only it weren't bad for your health! And when did these people learn to smoke? I admit that I didn't know first as my first inhalations were with something other than tobacco, but I had true friends who taught me. True friends.

1:27 PM  
Blogger celtgrrl said...

i don't care what people say...
smoking is fabulous!...it DOES make you look cool..the debauched dilettante who has mastered fire and can wield it with authority and confidence...marlene, hot bitch, dietrich would approve...smoke all you want matty...and ignore the naysayers!
if smoking weren't bad for you, honestly..how many people do you think would FLOCK back to it with gusto? eh? besides, i don't want to be 101 and be spoon fed...live fast die young~
~celtgrrl

5:44 PM  

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