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Friday, December 29, 2006


It was one of those walks. You know the type to which I refer --- one of those deep thought walks. You know, where your mind ponders and wonders all over the map on the most important things that face each of us in our daily lives. It always seems -- to me --- that we focus so much energy and worry on things which really do not mean all that much at the end of the day. We make mountains out of moe-hills. And, I don't even know what a "moe-hill" is. I suspect it is a small mound of dirt created by some disgusting rodent known as a "moe" ...or, maybe a "moe-hill" has something to do with The 3 Stooges. Moe? I think that was his name. But, I digress.

Today is the final Friday of 2006. I walked down Market Street from the Embacadaro to my home in the Castro. It was a nice walk and gave me time to ponder one of those frustrating issues that has been weighing me down. We may never determine how to solve a problem like Maria but I think I might have figured out the problem I refer to as "The Gwen Stefani Identity Crisis" Yes. I figured it all out during my walk down Market Street on the final Friday of 2006!

Well, I guess I didn't really determine how to help Little Gwenie. However, I feel I understand her. How does one go from being a rebel from Orange County to an edgy SKA singer to pop superstardom to hip hopster sampling the likes of Oscar and Hammerstein and combining them with Madonna-like inspired rap and cool grooves from the likes of NERD. Well, I don't know how to help her, but I managed to break it all down. I could almost create the DNA Code which might allow us to alter any further off-way growths. But, alas, I am not a scientist. All I can do is share my intellectual insights gained as I strolled through the Tenderloin district. Yes, as I roamed amongst my crack-addle'd pals I came to the following conclusion:

The Proto-Crypt'd 2006 Gwen Stefani is now made up of the following celebrity ingredients with a dash of faux marriage and faux mom-hood (I stress "faux" because Gwenie most likely has the aid of an army of nannies) --- but, when one takes this into account with the following celebrity ingredients which go well beyond the standard influence or props or out and out rip-offs -- No, Gwen has a real problem. I worry that the following have somehow morphed into her actual DNA Code which is resulting in disturbing anthems which we are being FORCED to hear on a daily basis! Perhaps if we can understand we can help her.

...add all of the above up and what you get is pictured below:

...It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist or Brain Surgeon to know that all of those random things going into a MOR artist's brain can cause a real problem.

Now, what do we do? The re-mixes come out on the first Tuesday of 2007. We may be too late to help her (or ourselves) in time for that, but perhaps we can hatch an intervention. Does anyone have a hotline to The View?!?!?! Maybe those bitchy ladies will have some suggestions and could even get her to come on the show for help/guidance. Something must be done! I mean, I know it is her shit, but kids! This IS bananas!

If we pitch in together -- we may be able to help this would be Material Girl Gone The Way of Pink... Well, maybe.


Blogger ing said...

A "moe" is that cute thing we saw on T'day, Matty. And I kind of like the addled-ness of the new G.S., or at least what I've heard so far. Yodeling and rap -- that's kind of cool! (But not as cool as a dog named Tuna.)

1:11 AM  
Blogger matty said...

Ing --- Oh, moe's are scary then --- and they make significant creepy holes. I think, perhaps, I'd rather a mountain than a fang-chopping rodent cave! Yeah, yodeling/Sound Of Music/rap -- I like it, too. But, I can tell that I shouldn't. I've counted 4 times in the past week where I've been in cool public places and that song comes on and someone working at the counter groans and runs to turn it off. I don't think it cool. It could have been cool but I worry it is a bit too random, forced and child-like. Too many influences might be like too many cooks.

Someone needs to love a dog named Tuna. You need to write about it. Now, that would be a contest.

In the mean time, I think we should try to help Gwen. Tho, I am playing her Wind It Up as I type this. I'm just being honest about the contradiction.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Old Cheeser said...

Mmmm "Wind it up" is not her finest hour I think, in spite of the camp yodelling. And although I've not heard it I've read lots of "this is rubbish" reviews of her latest album which puts me off. A pity as I actually liked quite a bit of the previous album especially "What You Waiting For?" and "Rich Girl". Great toons to dance to. But it seems she's a mish mash of musical influences without deciding what she really wants to be.

4:14 PM  
Blogger ginab said...

Missing one consonant to make one of my least favorite words is a mo_e-hill. A rodent indeed, I'm thinking tho I need the encyclopedia.

A mountain out of a wee hill, and I'm sure a mo_e pees on its hill.

I was distressed in a store earlier, bought a pink frying pan made in Italy (it was Beab's present to me!), but I was distressed because I was (as every shopper) forced to listen to a pop song that sounded more like a young woman crying (a young spoiled rich brat crying). I have faith in Gwen. She can sing. But you left out her work with Moby and that Talk-Talk redo, Matty! Erm...


7:55 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Old Cheeser -- Yeah, I really like her. But, I think she listens to much to the "Label Men" when it comes to her career. The new CD is just sort of a mess if you ask me. Tho, I do find the lead single to be a fun guilty pleasure.

Gina !! - Exactly! I think I'd prefer a mountain! I wonder how one does spell a "moe". hmmmm.

Oh, and I love that No Doubt cover! I don't care so much for the track she did with Moby --- I think by that time I had been Moby'd out. But, I think she is quite talented. I mean, I have her new CD but I am not sure what she was thinking when she was making it. Perhaps she was trying to please too many people at one time vs. just sticking to her own thing/sound.

I remember singing "Hollerback Girl" to Ing in my loudest voice much to her general confusion. LOL!

9:23 AM  

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