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Sunday, December 10, 2006


I find that there seems to be a certain level of contentment to be found within instability. A degree of comfort in uncertainty that is impossible to measure but equally impossible to ignore. And, yet -- when my world is not stable and uncertain I am afraid. ...And, I am free. Freedom.

If, as Kris Kristofferson wrote, "...freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" --- then, during these times of fear, uncertainty and comfort I think I might be fully experiencing the full-on concept of "freedom" ...But, then I find myself questioning the logic of his stunningly true observation and discover what feels like a paradox.

You see, on many levels I have nothing left to lose but on other very literal levels - I have absolutely everything to lose.

I find my way back to the beginning of my thought. A complete circle. How real is this concept of "freedom" and how much of it do I ever really taste? ...lost in words, concepts and worries.

Stability. Instability. Safe. Settle. In life, how important are these words in practice vs. theory?

When I get myself into these faux philosophical modes I think of how I once told someone who had hurt me that I couldn't care less what he did. He took that a certain way, but what I was really saying was that I cared very, very much.

And, oddly exhilarated as I wait to see where the journey takes me, I wonder --- Do I open doors or do I simply re-construct traps to hold me in? My mind rattles, prattles and rambles on.

...I blur my vision as I look at the lit Christmas tree and simply get lost while those typewriter recordings play. I close my eyes.


Blogger ginab said...

Ponderous Matty,

Kristofferson's statement is rather ironic, considering one must have nothing at all to be truly free. Or, thereabouts. I'm not sure he's the most positive visionary when it comes to having love--as love is a something and more than all, and there is freedom in love.

On the job front, you are a great reviewer and I highly suggest you compile a portfolio of your movie reviews and take this portfolio for a serious walk to the Chronicle. Not only can you use your office skills to apply for a regular post at the press, but the press can doubly benefit from your employ through you writing a few reviews each week. Typically, reviews are written and paid for on a freelance basis. But you have some bait with your office creds. I really believe you can do it. There's freedom in awareness, so be aware of how wonderful you are dove. B knows it. Ing knows it. I know it. Bea Bea arfs because she knows, too.


6:29 PM  
Blogger johnNokc said...

... and johnNokc knows it, too, because that's what I've been saying over and over again. My last e-mail, in which I compared you to Pauline Kael, was another plea in this area. Listen to your friends, Matt.

8:36 PM  
Blogger ing said...

This is a great idea! But don't stop at The Chronicle, if you decide to do it. What about The Bay Area Reporter? Do they accept movie reviews?

10:27 PM  
Blogger Sorted Lives said...

Always open new doors. You never know what is behind them.

2:25 AM  
Blogger matty said...

I think what Kristofferson was addressing wthin the context of that piece was the frustration a lover felt when he/she couldn't get his/her love to stay because she/he wanted their freedom. As if sticking with another was to give up freedom and in the end what does that imply/mean on other levels. I find it interesting.

Gina -- I love the idea and I might try to pursue it, but I don't know that I have the drive at this stage in my life to pay the dues one has to pay to work for what appears to be an evolving process -- that of writing for a newspaper.

...and, as much as I love writing about film I have my own views and I would hate to be in a corner where I had to tow some corporate line and review a film the way the editor wanted it to be reviewed.

...my freedom to say what I want to say. But, then what is freedom?!?!!?? LOL!

Thanks for all of your ideas on this front. I am not saying that I won't pursue and I am thinking about it. But, that is not a path that seems to be calling me. But, then again -- what is?

I appreciate and love you guys for believing in me!!!

6:45 AM  
Blogger Kalvin said...

Nice self-effacement when you talking about being faux. It is interesting how many things are cyclical and makes me want to read up more on non-dualistic thought. Perhaps you can guide me...

12:59 PM  
Blogger matty said...


Thank you. Don't know that I know that much, but sure! Drop me an email!

1:30 PM  
Blogger Richard said...

Reading through this last post on your blog has been a source of inspiration. As I struggle to figure out why I was recently thrown for such an emotional loop.

On a different note, I now really love Marlena Shaw ... thanks for that!

12:39 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Richard -- I hope you're OK. I'm glad if my rambling has helped you get thru some rough stuff. It is always good to know we are not alone. ...and, we never are. Hang in there.


10:30 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Hey hon, the gay glitter desk didn't deserve you. I agree with Ginab. I'm sure there is something you can do with this gift you possess besides picking the soundtrack for teeth polishing. It's been my experience that periods of unemployment are great for figuring out what it is you're MEANT to be doing.

10:59 PM  
Blogger matty said...

Lovely Meredith! I hope you're right. I'm sure you are. However, at 40 I've still not figured out what I should be doing. I love that Gina and Ing have such faith in me. I'm reading a book that Gina sent me for my bday. She seems to think that I can write as well as he but I don't think I can --- and, even if I did -- I don't know how one goes about getting hired for it.

...do people still do portfollios or is that all done on discs now?!!?!?

sleepy. must go to bed...

12:48 AM  

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