Matt's Bit of Space

2007-01-14T16:37:00.000-08:00

THIS BLOG HAS BECOME WORD PRESSED - AND IT HAS MOVED!!!

Hey, kids!

Well, I have had enough blogger/google trouble and have moved! I hope you will visit my new home!

You will now find my bit of space

HERE

And you can update your bookmarks/blog roll to this address:

http://matty03.wordpress.com/

Kisses,
matty

2007-01-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

5 USELES BITS OF INFORMATION ABOUT ME

My BloggerPal, Old Cheeser (who is neigher old or cheezzy), has spotted me out to create a list of 5 things about myself. Here goes with some cool photos I "stole" from the myspace of this really cool guy named Bud. And I can't figure out how to post a link to his site on myspace. Sorry, Bud!!

While I do love to eat scrambled eggs and omelettes --- I am unable to eat them if anyone says or I think of the word "egg" ...Yes, I have egg issues.

I know the dialog of all the characters in the following movies --- each time I watch them I have to fight myself not to scream out the dialog in camp fashion as they screen: CARRIE, A STAR IS BORN, THE WAY WE WERE, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS & MURIEL'S WEDDING. "Bill! Bill! Katie wants to keep in the line about the black market! Bill!" ...see? I can't help myself.

Because my mother forgot that she left me at the cinema --- I sat thru 4 continuous screenings of FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. I hate that stupid movie. I didn't even enjoy it during the first screeing. I remember being so upset that the only other movie playing was some John Wayne thing. However, I almost opted to watch it when I realized I was about to hear "Do You Love Me" for a fourth time.

I have played "Ride A White Horse" on my iPod 351 times since October. While this might seem a bit obsessive -- it is a really great song! I do so love my Goldfrapp and require mulitple daily doeses of their glitter disco magic!

Every year from my 4th thru to my 11th year of life I insisted on sending Barbra Streisand a birthday card. My Grandmother would help me pick the card out and we would mail it to Columbia Records. And for all of those years I would receive a glossy autographed photo. I still like to pretend that they were signed by her.

Well, there are my 5 useless facts about me. I know I am supposed to assign this to 5 other people, but I don't wanna. Please do one if so inclined and if you've not done one already! I also find I'm too lazy to check my list for spellling or error. Sorry.

2007-01-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

3 PICTURES OF MOM...

I don't have that many pictures. A few years ago I decided it was crazy to keep so many. Anyway, here are a few of my mom.
...one of her few wedding pictures. I got this from my Uncle who had taken them but lost them for over 34 years. LOL!

...the back of this picture reads "New Orleans, me and matt 1976" ...so, this would have been taken around the time of many/most of these quotes.

...this is a fairly recent picture prior to her dying her hair blonde. I think it is about 6 or 7 years old now. This was after my father's death. No date on the back of the photo or anything.

I used to have this great picture of her posing in a new dress while holding up this potted ivy she loved. I guess I lost it. It was really a great shot from 1978 during the time she was divorced from my father. Oh well.

2007-01-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

WHAT MOMMY TOLD ME...

I have been on the phone with my mother quite a bit as of late. She is well-intentioned and chock full of advice which she is quick to dispense. She is also more than a little eccentric. I was thinking about some of the things she has said to me over the years and how I do enjoy teasing her about them. I have a good memory and am quite comfortable in putting them in quotes.

"No. Mommy has to get her hair done. It is important I look pretty this week. So, you hold still or the bowl will slip and your bangs will not be even! It will not be my fault!"

"The next time I holler for you I want you to come runnin'! Now, your mommy was lost in the house again and you should have come to me!"

"Your Daddy doesn't like this song, but it is very important! Learn the words! Cher is an American Indian and she understands how horrible people can be when you're different!"

"Honey, look. If I put it all on this plate it looks more happy. Like Christmas."

"Go tell your Daddy that if he shots another hole in my living room wall I am going to put one into his head!"

Upon hearing 'Love to Love You Baby' for the first time:
Mommy what is that sound Donna Summers is making?
"Her name is Donna Summer and she is pretendin' to have a heart attack. That's all, baby. Just dance!"

"I will take you to see TOMMY if you promise to shut the hell up about it once you see the damned thing! My God!"

"Matt, doesn't mommy look pretty and tan with this gel on? Your daddy doesn't like it, but I think I sparkle!"

Frustrated that I was not interested in her offer of a Farrah Fawcett or Peter Frampton poster instead of the two cool Roger Daltrey and Barbra Streisand posters my Aunt Gladys bought for me when I was visiting her in Houston: "I just don't understand you. Now, you listen to your mother. In a few years no one is even going to remember Roger Daltrey, TOMMY or that loud Barbra Streisand! Now, Peter Frampton and Farrah are here to stay! Most little boys would love to have these posters. What about a Star Wars poster instead of one of those?"

"No! You are NOT wearing those pants to school! Go back and put your bell bottoms back on! I don't want you lookin' like poor white trash!"

Mom, why is it called a blow job?
"I don't know, baby. But, I tell you one thing -- I'd rather suck on an old man's runny nose than put any man's penis in my mouth!"

"Baby? Is Elton John singing 'electric boobs'?"
yes
"Well, that is just silly isn't it?"

After hearing that John Lennon had been assassinated: "This is so sad. He wrote some great music. But, you know I always preferred The Monkees to The Beatles."

"Well, I'm sorry but I think Christmas trees are prettier when they are spray painted blue!"

"I always knew you were gay. It's probably my fault. I should have never allowed you to listen to Barbra Streisand! And, are you stoned Mister? Don't answer that question! I don't want to know!"

...and, her most recent advice given after she learned I had quit my job: "Well, hon. I think you need to drive to LA and get yourself on one of these game shows! You know all this stuff about movie stars! You'd win a million dollars. I'm serious! Get out there and make some real money!"

2007-01-11T08:25:00.000-08:00

PROMOTING MATILDA...
I recently discovered that one of my favorite writers/thinkers/editors lives in San Francisco and keeps a blog! Most cool! I discovered this when Amazon.com sent me an email to "alert" me that Matt Bernstein Sycamore (AKA "Matilda") had a new book of collected essays out. I clicked in to just take a look and discovered a link to his blog!

Well, yesterday afternoon, after a day on the job boards, I ran to an indie book store and picked up a copy. Unemployment and low funds be damned! Oh, and support indie book stores if you're able. Just say no to Borders! If you can! But, if you've no choice - you can find nearly all of his work on Amazon.com. Actually, you can find nearly everything on Amazon.com. But, still -- support your local book merchant!!!

Tho, I have written about his work in this blog more than a couple of times I wanted to post a link to his blog and tell you all a bit more about him.

Matt Bernstein Sycamore first came to my attention in the 90's when me and my ex temporarily moved to San Francisco. I remember hearing his "drag" persona being discussed at a gay club and reading a few quotes from him in the BAR. He was pissing a lot of gay boys off at the time. As I remember it, he was trying to bring attention to the vapidness that had become the SF Gay Pride Parade --- and the vapidness of gay culture and the one-sided nature of the most vocal of the gay male population in SF. He had some potent and interesting things to say. At the time, I was too absorbed in my father's death and matters of love and work to fully focus on these issues. But his ideas and his name stuck with me.

Several years ago I came across a copy of his novel, "Pulling Taffy" which totally captivated me. It reads like pages torn from the journal of a boy fighting to survive the scars inflicted by incest and abuse --- and fighting in the most frustrating ways possible. And, though the book is filled with tragedy, confusion, sadness, horrors, addiction and transgression --- it also has a spirit of hope. It is about surviving. I related to so much in it. Though, I often found myself wanting to shake the narrator and pull him to safety --- I realized that these feelings were really aimed at myself.

If you're reading this and you've been abused sexually by one of your parents you know that this level of damage never goes away. There is an unspoken pain that we survivors of violent abuse carry and fight all of the time. It impacts us on all levels. And, results in a sort of familial war that never seems to end. I am still fighting it out with my mother for standing back while my father hurt me. I guess, in some ways, I always will. I love my mother dearly. But, I will never understand. Nor will she. Shit. I loved my father. It hurt when he died, but the anger I have at him for what he did. ...I can't capture it in words. This book pulled me in and pulled me out. Amazing bit of writing. He has written a number of stories, essays and pulled together anthologies -- I have avoided this one which I believe deals with incest that I think might be too disturbing to me. However, some day I will read it.

Shortly before I left Boston for good and returned to San Francisco to save myself, I purchased a copy of Bernstein Sycamore's collected anthology of viewpoints on queer culture/theory/movement called "That's Revolting" this collection made me cheer, angry and caused me to re-evaluate every idea I had about being a member of queer culture. I don't agree with a number of the ideas represented. I support a good number of them. And, some still leave me wondering how I stand. This is revolutionary thinking at its best! It caused me to seek out more of Matt's writing and editorial collections. It caused me to seek out the writings of some of the other writers in the collection. I even ended up being an acquaintance of one of the writers thru a romantic encounter I enjoyed.

There are more than few incredible works out there for which Matt is responsible. This collection really fascinated me. As someone who once "dabble'd" in a bit of sex work as a phone sex operator --- it was an interesting read. And, an honest one filled with challenging ideas, humor, experiences, sadness and opinions. Like all work in which he is involved or creates --- he stimulates ideas that challenge you as a reader, a thinker and a citizen. Matilda enjoys shaking things up. He pushes the envelope off the counter and lets it fly away with the wind out the door.

This new collection is called "Nobody Passes" I believe it will be exploring the nature of gender identity within the context of our rather rigid societal "norms" ---- I think this collection goes far beyond the queer theory label. I can't wait to get started reading! Later today!

Anyway, I hope I've stirred your interest and decide to check out his work or stop by his blog. It is listed along with all my fave blogs to the left, but here is a

LINK.

Here is what some cool folks are saying about "Nobody Passes":

"Â“In this beautiful, surprising collection of essays,
Matildaa brings together the smartly told, diverse
stories of social refuseniks. The result is a
provocative critique of the act of passing, and a
lively, challenging, often moving account of the
pleasures and pains of not passing. Nobody Passes
kicks ass. It will mess you right up." —Joshua Gamson, author of The Fabulous Sylvester

"These essays, in all of their militant heterogeneity,
with all of their ease and rage at being on margins,
chart some of the most important ground on which the
desire for a new society is finding expression. They
show rebels that we are far from alone in feeling such
desire." David Roediger, author of Working Toward Whiteness:
How America's Immigrants Became White

"Â“Nobody Passes is a fascinating example of how
feminism and gender studies can support radically new
identities that develop at the speed of life —or it may
be part of the end of identity politics as known so
far." Naomi Zack, Professor of Philosophy, University of
Oregon, author of Inclusive Feminism: A Third Wave
Theory of A Womens Commonality

2007-01-10T12:08:00.000-08:00

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW...
Being unemployed and without funds is not much fun. No matter how hard you try, you sometimes find yourself feeling down. As I walked down Market Street last night I passed a store window which had the above CD on display.

Does Miss Ross really love me? And, if so --- is it that from a distance in white gloves kind of Diana Ross love? Will Miss Ross buy me lunch? Could I be her PA, perhaps? Is her love real as that she once shared with Berry Gordy when they thought that they would take over the world? I doubt it.

No, I think this is just the name of some cheap import CD from Japan filled with those great love ballads of the 70's! Last Time I Saw My Baby, Touch Me In The Morning, etc. But, I guess I could be wrong. Maybe she does love me. Anyway, the sight of her CD and it silly name gave me a laugh. And, that is what I needed. So, a note of thanks to Miss Ross! I do so love her! ...in my way. ...with my head turned to the right, my shoulders up and smiling. Waiting for my moment. Big kiss.Love, matty

2007-01-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

LONELY
photo by jenny bolis...

San Francisco is an odd city. It seems to be filled with ideas that never fully form but ache to expand and push forward. Is it too poetic to write that it is a city full of possibilities hidden in the fog? Maybe so. But, they are hiding there. These promises hang in the air. Half-starts are all around here. I like this "incomplete-ness" for some reason. And, by and large, I have always found it to be a "friendly" city. Everyone always seems to disagree with me on this point. Tho, I am happy here. I enjoy roaming the city, feeling the rush of sun and cool wind that managed to make me both sweat and shiver at the same time --- and, I never fail to have some form of adventure during the course of my day.

Today, I had to "run" an errand. I say "run" because it was more of a slow walk as my back is still hurting. I didn't have my iPod with me. I forgot it. I passed a large group of folks from somewhere in China. There was an overly happy white guy standing in front of this group of puzzled-looking people. So, I found myself stopping for a minute to listen to what this almost manic man was saying. He spoke too loud. Like those annoying people who think that a non-English speaking person will understand them if they scream every word.

"If you get lost, just reach out and stop someone and say, 'Help me! I'm lost!' This is a VERY friendly city and you will be assisted!"

A queer urban hispster was standing next to me and he chuckled. I turned and looked at him and he said, "This IS NOT a friendly city! Yeah, reach out and touch someone. That'll work!" I smiled and he walked away. He was wearing really cool orange shoes.

About an hour later I was seated on an F Train headed to the Castro. A man who smelled like old newspapers got on at the Powell/Market stop and asked me if I could spare him a dollar. I reached into my jacket pockets. I had five quarters. I gave him four. His hands looked so dry, tired and old.

I smiled and said, "My mom used to give me incredibly small amounts of money and then advise me to not spend it all in one place. The funny thing is she was always serious about that."

We both laughed.

We rode on in silence. I watched out the window wondering what things had gone on in some of these seedy little hotels you pass when going through the Tenderloin. I think we had been riding about five minutes. And, this man, who had been rolling those four quarters from one hand to the other, turned to me. He thanked me for speaking to him.

"You're the first person to actually talk to me in three days. I had started to think I was invisible. A lady gave me a dime an hour ago and asked me not to use it to buy drugs. What a stupid bitch. You know why I wanted this money?"

"Why?"

"I have to do my laundry. I stink. I have to do my laundry and she gives me a fucking dime and thinks I'm going to buy drugs. With ten fucking cents! I wanted to throw the dime right back at her."

I laughed. He laughed. The lady across from us looked at us with this look of total disgust.

"This is my stop! Hey, kid, you have a great day!" ....The man got up and lurched forward as the F train sort of slammed into the stop. I pulled out my wallet and handed him a five dollar bill.

"You'll need that for the dry cycle."

He took it, smiled and jumped off the train.

Maybe this is not a friendly city. But, I like to pretend that it is. Of course, this has always been my problem. I love to pretend.

2007-01-07T14:03:00.000-08:00

THE END OF THE WORLD IN OUR USUAL BED IN A NIGHT FULL OF RAIN...

Say what you will, and I will say I've never liked any of her films -- but Lina Wertmuller came up with some wicked cool titles for them in her day. The one poster'd to the left is my personal favorite. It is one of her typical films in which men and women go at sex like a battle and argue politics in really ugly clothing. This one was worse than usual because it starred Candice Bergen speaking English while everyone else is either speaking that or Italian, but every actor's mouth seemed to not match the words coming out of their respective mouths. Henry Miller must have had sex with her because he made a gave her a very glowing review of thought that seems to follow her where ever her film work and politics take her. However, this post has nothing to do with that movie or Lina Wertmuller. I just thought I would use one of her cool titles. I do think Ms. Wertumuller gives best title this side of Carrie Fisher --- who is also a master of great titles. But, once again -- I digress.

As I injured my back I've had several "miss-starts" this weekend. I tried to go out a couple of times yesterday to do various little things -- like take a walk or visit Ms. Ing at her book shop where I could possibly harass her for the hardback novelizations of FOR THE LOVE OF BENJI or YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE ...but it wasn't meant to be. It hurt too much to move. So aside from a couple of very short walks all I really did Friday night, Saturday and up till 3pm today was lay about watching DVD's and trying not to eat much. I AM going out tonight, however much the pain!!!! I can't stay in the house anymore! Wahhhh! Anyway, I've important plans with my bud, Alan. We are taking over the world tonight. Or, at least taking that first all important step toward world domination. That's not true. We're just having a cheap dinner and seeing a movie but should the possibility of world domination come up I'm sure we will go for that!

My Broken Back Film Fest started with a viewing of Tony Scott's uber-cool THE HUNGER with running commentary from Susan Sarandon and Mr. Scott -- both of whom sounded really old. Why are all my fave film actors getting so bloody old!?!?! What is up with that? At any rate! I am never ceased to be amazed at how fucking cool it is when you put Bauhaus, Ann Magnuson, Susan Sarandon, David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve in the same movie! AND, you mix in bi-sexualized goth vampires with loads of early 80's stylin' clothes and "noir-like sinematography" --- Well, you end up with a flawed but totally kick ass movie! Still, I sure wish that they had retained the novel's original ending which made sense. The ending to the movie just annoys -- tho that is a great shot! Oh, and I learned that Ms. Deneuve is really sweet, smart and loves to garden and it takes lots of hand cream to keep her hands looking soft for the screen. And, if you ask me, she does remain the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in movies. Tho, I would rather watch Isabelle Huppert. What is it about French women!?!?

Then I made it a David Bowie double feature by watching the director's cut of MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH. ...Every time I see this movie I forget how very much I like it. Does anyone get any cooler than David Bowie?!!?!? Ever?!?!? Now, I just need to watch it again with Mr. Bowie's commentary. I do wonder what that is like.

Then it was time to plug in the latest twisted film from Korean Cinema's Bad Boy, Ki-duk Kim!!! TIME -- or SHI GAN (for those of you who might be able to speak Korean) has caused a bit of an uproar with Ki-duk and his nation. However, that seems to happen with every film Ki-duk ever makes. I really suspect much of this is of his own doing. Too bad as I think he may be the most important director to come out of Korea. But what is one to do when the writer/producer/director insists on making films that push every envelope and then decides to take every critical comment as a personal assault. Still, Korea is more than happy to push him to other countries at film fests! So, it is our win. He is incredible and complex in his film making. But, be warned - You never know what you might get. When he is good he is very good. When he is bad, he is even better. But, when he is awful, his movie can suck. ...really badly suck.

I had really been curious about this film and upset when it failed to get ANY distribution and only played at a couple of film fests in other countries. I do not think it ever played the US. As cultural obsession with beauty and fitting the "ideal" body type has reached just about all of us --- I was quite interested in seeing what he would do with this topic. This is what I would call a visually intellectual piece of filmmaking. The surreal aspect of the film is both interesting and frustrating because it hurts the socio-political context of the idea but the film is well worth seeing. It is not his best. I had read that many critics and viewer's had trashed the acting of the performers. This is unfair as it is quite clear that they are giving us just what Kim wants -- almost opera-level theatrics to match the over-the-top nature of the story. By the way, I MUST get to Korea to visit the sculpture park (if it is real)
Does anyone know?!?!!? Look at this sculpture! If it is just a film set, I LOVE it! I hope it is real, tho! I need to go touch and explore these statues!

Then, it really was time for bed. I was so tired. However, the back hurt too much. So I lined up all the pillows, took Ibubrofen and decided to watch me some Takashi Miike. When you're not feeling all that great, are sleepy but unable to sleep and you're home all alone --- you might now want to watch his segment from 3 EXTREMES. ...it is called BOX. Beautifully filmed and slowly paced --- it sort of slips up on you. If ever you see a pair of little girls intent on fitting themselves into a box --- I suggest you just walk away before anything suspect happens. Because little girls should not try to fit themselves into tiny boxes. ...Especially if the box is made of wood, locks and is near a oil burning lamp. Most worrying. I also watched 2-LDK, Yukihiko Tsutsumi's funny horror movie, for the 30th or 100th time.
...It always leaves me feeling relieved that I'm not a gorgeous Japanese fashion girly-girl model in need of a fellow glam model roommate. ...because, like pretty little girls fitting themselves into tiny boxes -- this also spells loads of trouble. What is it with fashion models and their love of chainsaws? ...Or is this a strictly Japanese horror/comedy device?!?!?!

Anyway, I'm up. My back feels MUCH better! And, I've got my fingers crossed to hear from some job prospects starting tomorrow! ...and, he rambles on and on.

2007-01-06T01:25:00.008-08:00

FRAGMENTS FROM AN ODD DAY
well, the laundry has to be done. i bet i can fit all the towels, socks and underwear into this one laundry bag and carry it down the street to that laundrette across from flore. the bag slipping out of my arms. it is so damn heavy. maybe this wasn't a good idea. are my feet tripping over each other? shit. yes. they are. SPLAT.

"Hey! Are you okay?"

am i okay? "Yes! I just tripped. No big deal. Thanks!"

"Man! That is a big bag of laundry!"

"Yeah..." ...why, yes, it is. shit. can i get up? maybe it was my shoes. diesel shoes are kind of strange.

i've got that bag, i will not drop it and i will not fall down again. shit. is my back out? ok. my back, like, totally hurts right now. i'm okay. i can do this. $10 just to wash these loads? i still have all the shirts and jeans to lug down here. how am i going to ever get these loads back to our apartment? my back so hurts. shit.

"You know you can get a rolling cart down at the ace hardware store on market. Looks like you might need one."

yeah, right.

"You mean that doesn't come assembled? I have to pay $50 and it does not come assembled?" oh, good. they are assembling it for me. is that my phone ringing? maybe it's B.

"Sure, I would love to meet with you on Monday!"

"You know, we are very busy here and we don't put up with bullshit so don't be late for this interview! Do you understand?"

"You know, I don't think this is going to be a good fit. I am going to pass on this position. Best of luck and thanks for calling me."

click

bitch. what was that all about?

B called. now, i've got his voicemail. oh well.

"Are you sure you want me to use '1'? Have you used it before?" jesus. i do know how i want my hair cut. leave me alone. just cut my hair.

why would someone send me the DVD of MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH and not tell me who they are? why do people do that? it is really cool and sweet, tho. isn't it?

i forgot to eat. maybe that is why i feel odd. this chair is so ugly but the vibrating feature feels so good on my back. i love this chair.

have i been doing laundry all day? i have. i really should eat. wait. i did have a cookie and a diet coke in between the second set of loads. who needs real food? i think i do. i wonder if alan and ing are free tonight. nope. they are not. nor are they free for tomorrow night. wait. i forgot to ask them if them if they were free tonight. oh well, my back hurts.

does this beard look good are really bad? is scott caan cute or not? he's like one of those frat boys that you would want to avoid because they are so dull and stupid.

isn't it sad that the film directors think it is so unusual for a lower middle class family would have an office in the side of the living room? "We love the idea that they had an office in the living room! How strange, but oddly 'real'!" ...yes. these two LA filmmakers understand real life. not.

...is that supposed to be that soft? yeah. maybe that's the way it is supposed to be.

maybe i fell to earth. no. i just fall on the earth. ...a lot. ...and damage my back.

2007-01-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

WHEN CELEBS GO OUTSIDE...

...without the aid of mirrors or advise of personal assistants.

Now, I want to know how this happened to Val Kilmer! This hardly seems right or fair.

...And, this just KILLS me -
Noooooooooo!!!! True, she is 65. But, Noooooooo! ...maybe it was the smoking?

This posting is mean. I'm sorry. But, all my faves are getting old. Which means I am getting old. Which sucks! The ways of the human flesh can be so cruel!

2007-01-04T08:53:00.000-08:00

MY FAILURE TO LAUNCHLast night was filled with rain and wind. Normally that is an ideal recipe for great sleep! However, this did not hold true. I'm honestly not all that stressed out at the moment. I am not totally broke just yet and I've really only been job hunting for one full week when one discounts the holdidays. So, I anticipate calls starting tomorrow or early next week as this is the first week back to work for most. But, yesterday I spent a bit too much time on job boards. As a rule, I try to limit myself to 5 hours a day. Any more than that and I start to go bleary-eye'd and freaked out. But there were lots of postings yesterday and a couple of phone calls --- so I kept going. I ended up with a massive headache.

To say that B is stressed out due to some VERY serious and horrible family situations in Canada would be a vast understatement.

Last night was filled with tossing/turning/bad dreams/limbs akimbo ...and me getting pushed off the bed. B is lucky if he got any "rest" at all and I think he was only asleep for about 4 hours. Just by luck I got in bed a bit earlier so I did get to sleep from about 11PM till about 2:30AM, but after that I don't think I slept much. I finally gave up at about 3:15AM. I got up, took my blankets and pillow to the living room and crawled into the sofa. ...And, was unable to fall asleep again for about two hours. My head felt like it was going to explode. 2 cups of tea and 4 Tylenol later I started to drift off to sleep when I heard B's alarm going off. He somehow managed to go to work. The poor baby looked exhausted but he leaves for Canada tonight and had to go into the office. I'm getting a micron. So, I don't know that a job search is happening today. I just tried writing a new cover letter and tweaking my resume, but the results SUCKED!

So, I am about to lay down for a bit which could translate into half the day. I can just tell. I have failed to launch. But, there is always tomorrow.

Oh, and I do not care much for Jim Carrey and consider Joel Schumacher to be one of the worst film directors of all time. BUT, Jim Carrey looks soooooo HOT in their new horror movie. ...I may have to see it just to watch him move it about it. I wonder if I will be able to convince Magical Ing to watch it with me? Who needs high art when we can watch a hot-looking-long-haired Jim Carrey shake it about for 90 minutes in a lame horror movie?!?!? I think I will try to sell her on the idea of the plot which seems to revolve around a book Jim Carrey's wife buys for him at an INDEPENDENT book store! This, alone, might appeal to Ing. A hot looking guy with long hair reading a book purchased from an independent book merchant. OK. I will probably be seeing it alone. Oh well. I just hope this headache is gone by then.

Stanfield out. (um, I can't believe I just wrote that...)

2007-01-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

"...MY HOT DOG HAS A FIRST NAME!" But, I don't think it's "Oscar" --- actually, I'm not too concerned with it's name -- first or last. What concerns me is what it may or may not be made of. Now, I prefer to stick with the kosher hot dog. However, I am old enough to remember what Ralph Nader found out about wieners back in the 70's ---- rat shit and drift wood if memory is serving me correctly.

My problem is that I am now on a very tight budget. So, until I land a job it is Ramen Noodles and oatmeal pour moi! Of course Diet Coke remains a "must" in my daily diet. It is my fuel. But, when I do go out it will have to be hot dogs. Here, in the Castro, we have a place called Sliders which makes a $3.95 hot dog. I had one tonight. As I retrieved it from the counter a rather large man asked if I had any idea what was in "that" ---- I just looked at him and said, "Please. Let's not go there."

...but what is in that hot dog?

...and, I think I shall call my hot dog "Larry" instead of "Oscar"

Yes, "...my hot dog has a first name. It L-A-R-R-Y. My hot dog has no second name because I don't know what it's made of!"Larry? Is that you?!?!?!

2007-01-01T00:36:00.000-08:00

THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS

I saw the plays. Then, I read them. I sat around with friends who were actors and writers -- most of whom were far smarter than me. ...than I? Anyway, I discussed the plays. I read many reviews. I read interviews with Tony Kushner. I read the plays again. I admired the acting and the staging. I liked many of the ideas in the plays, but all too often it felt like the whole of the two plays was just a way to show off some fancy intellectual ideas or "ideals" and to provide some great scenes for some talented actors. In the end, the sum of all the parts did not really add up to much for me. As clever as it some of it was - I could not piece together a point to it all.

Both works had the feeling of importance, but then there would be lapses into comic bits. The metaphors seemed confused or silly. I mean, I enjoyed the idea of a gay-centric play with a gay AIDS patient as a prophet. I liked the idea that San Francisco was (or once was) or was like "Heaven" ---- but I didn't quite follow it all. The point, I mean.

And, when I asked my friends to explain -- well, no one seemed to be able to do so. I would quickly give up because I felt like I was rocking the "cool thing" that we were all to like.

And, then there was the problem of that Angel of America. Was she from God or the Devil? Or was God the Devil? Or was God just pissed off? Was AIDS a blessing or a curse? I was confused by it. I was annoyed. I had lost too many dear friends to AIDS to get into some of these ideas that everyone else seemed to embrace.

Then the movie (or cable special) came out. I tried watching it twice. I couldn't get past the first hour. I was annoyed by the first moment we saw Meryl Streep playing the cranky old rabbi. A few weeks ago B and I discussed the plays and the TV film. He likes all three. And, yet, he could not defend or explain my questions.

The other day I found a used copy of the DVD set for $10. I bought it and decided I was going to sit down and watch all 6 hours of Mike Nichols adaptation of the plays. I watched all of the film. It was a bit different from the plays I remember.

I allowed myself to just enjoy the theatrics of it all and decided to not get too bogged down in the meaning of all the ideas merged into plot. I just absorbed it. I think the biggest changes were made in the final act or chapters. It seemed a bit more clear, but still confused.

When I saw the plays I remember thinking that none of the actors looked like people from the mid-80's. The same was true for the movie. Worse still --- I get very annoyed by lack of attention to details. If you make a film that takes place in a certain time one should make sure that things belong in the scenes. The Coke cans were wrong. As were the chip bags. The logos and packaging were different in the mid-80's. And, the hair styles were not 1985 at all. And, the subways were not correct. Things changed after the mid-80's. Worst of all -- they had a drag queen dressed as Barbra. ...In 1985. ...but she was dressed as Barbra of the early 1990's! Babs had not yet shorn her curly locks completely! True, the afro was gone. But, she did not yet have the flat blonde look working. Her hair was crimped and 80's messy-big. How could a gay film make this error!?!?!? How?!?!??!

But, still, I rather enjoyed the movie. And, I still love this line so well delivered by Meryl Streep:

"An angel is a belief with wings and arms that can carry you."

I like that idea. I like so many of Tony Kushner's ideas. But, I can't help but wonder if some emperor is only half-dressed. Or am I just stoopid?

...don't answer that. Or, if you do -- please be polite.

I guess I always knew I was living in Heaven. Or a place that was once Heaven.

2006-12-31T13:07:00.000-08:00

RAMBLING & SPOUTING OPINIONS & MY FAVE MOVIES OF 2006 INTO 2007
I was never very good with puzzles of any type. I've always found it interesting that puzzles are often viewed as a sort of therapy that can lead to relaxation and clear thoughts. Puzzles just confuse me and often leave me feeling stupid.

Don't get me wrong --- some fan-fucking-tastic things happened for me this year. The most important and key happening this year was my meeting "B" and this building of a life together is a true blessing. And, I had a lot of fun with people whom I love. It was, in many ways a great year for personal growth.

On a global level, 2006 was the real puzzle. For me, when viewed from both the national and international level, 2006 was like a big puzzle from Hell. Like one of those cubes that I ended up tossing from a speeding car in the late 80's. No sense in writing about it. Most of us lived through it. Even still, I felt that there was a good degree of hope to be found in 2006: the possible promise of change thanks to the results of the US election results, we seem to be gaining some insight into what we've been doing to our environment and how we might be able to turn some of that around.

"B" is going thru hell with the health of some very important people in his family. He had to leave for Canada the other day to take care of some things and will be ringing in the New Year sitting next to a hospital bed holding the hand of a much loved relative. This makes me sad. I wish I could be there with him, but family circumstances prevent that.

I never really cared much for New Year's Eve. I stopped going to parties a couple of years ago. I would always end up standing there thinking, "Okay. Now what? Is that it? What did I miss?" and then that horribly sad song would end up being played somewhere. Tonight, I've got lots of unhealthy foods, Diet Coke and some DVD's. I'm all set to ring in 2007! I also continued my now 3 year old habit of playing the Lotto on New Year's Eve. I figure if one is ever to win -- one needs to play at least once a year. I limit it to $20 a year. Kind of nutty considering that I've managed to be unemployed for the last two New Year's Eve's. But, ya never know. Anyway, this year I purchased $20 worth of scratch tickets. Tonight could be the night I become rich! Or, not. Most likely not. But, a boy can dream.

And, ugh. I turned 40 this year. Last month. Can I still call myself a "boy" ???? Yes. I just decided. I can.

For the most part this was a crap year for movies. Not much came out that was really worth seeing. But there were a few gems. These were my personal favorite releases of 2006 (and I am referring to the US film release year) --- there is no particular order other than this list.
GABRIELLE. ...for my money, Patrice Chereau's film adaptation of Joseph Conrad's story, "The Return" was the best film I saw in 2006. Delivered with an operatic flair -- this study into the darker side of relationship is unforgettable, disturbing and beautifully filmed. I am a devoted Isabelle Huppert fan, but this actor can say more with a glance than most actors can say with a page of dialog. Almost perfect if you ask me.
OLD JOY. Another almost perfect film. I guess this is the "second best" movie I saw this year. A film about male friendship and the stunted evolution of the American man-boy. The movie's director, Kelly Reichardt, has created a stunningly beautiful and eloquent film. In a year filled with rather middle-of-the-road movies, it is so cool that two great films came from female directors! I can't wait to see what she does next! See this if you've not yet done so!
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. This film just works so well. I loved it. It made me smile and the performance by Abigail Breslin was just amazing. I think of this as the little movie that just could. ...and did.
DRAWING RESTRAINT 9. Matthew Barney's fantasy on ritual and environmental evolution. Maybe? Magical and strange. And, didn't we always know that if you were to hack the limbs off of Bjork she would most likely be a dolphin? I did.
THE HOST. Bong Joon-ho has created a movie which is both funny and horrific! A classic monster movie with wit, style and it will give you the creeps. This was such fun to watch with a sold out audience. And, I am still having the same nightmare inspired by this film -- me under a bridge, the grey water turbulent and that awful thud approaching faster than I can run. See it! I think it opens nationwide in February.
SHORTBUS. A beautiful, funny, happy -- but, ultimately somehow sad study on the need for us all to connect not only with others but to ourselves. No one can ever accuse John Cameron Mitchell of playing it safe with his art. Tip of the hat!
MRS. PALFREY AT THE CLAREMONT. Okay. Make fun of me if you must, but this little film from the UK is a sweet look into the heart of loneliness, love and the families we choose to make. ...And, about getting old. Also, any film that closes with Rosemary Clooney singing "For All We Know" is far smarter than we deserve. Oh, and Joan Plowright kicks ass.
FRIENDS WITH MONEY. Nicole Holofcener continues to make "little" movies about very "big" things. Great performances from all, but Jennifer Aniston broke my heart. I think it was at the mid-point of this movie that it stuck me that she was playing a female version of me. Oy! If only the ending had not been so tidy I think this movie might have come close to totally winning me over. Still, it is more than worth your time to see it. And, for any of us who have found ourselves trying to start our lives over as our friends think we are nuts --- this IS your movie be you man, woman, straight, gay or whatever. Doing what you need to do is not nearly as easy as it sounds. Too bad about that ending, tho.

JONESTOWN: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PEOPLES TEMPLE. ...Stanley Nelson's powerful documentary provides both insight into what lead so many people to follow such a sad and sick man. I saw this movie with a near capacity audience in downtown San Francisco. This movie made me cry. I don't want to ever see it again but to deny it as a great film would be wrong. And, it is so important that we never forget.

NOTES ON A SCANDAL. I think I was thinking I might get a bit more from a new film by Richard Eyre. You know, something of substance and importance. Instead I got a film so absolutely filthy I needed a power shower upon reaching home after viewing it -- but, man-o-man! This is a guilty pleasure built for fun! As I watched it, I kept thinking I should not like it . I should just get up and leave. Why should I support such trash? ...but, I was having the best time! Interestingly, I read a great review after I saw it from The Boston Globe which summed up the Judi Dench/Kate Blanchett excursion into trashy transgression as follows, "You'll want to take a shower after Notes on a Scandal, but you'll be glad you got dirty." ...Can I get an Amen in The House!?!?! I smell Oscar! More fun than - well, I won't go any further.

Oh, let's see --- I saw VOLVER (I didn't see the big deal and if I had to hear one more kiss or fart I was going to scream!) and I saw DREAMGIRLS (one great scene. just like the play from the 80's. ...and Miss Ross gets off way too easy! Once again, what's the big deal?) I also saw Guillermo Del Toro's PAN'S LABYRINTH (I "got" it, but did it need to be so horribly violent? And, I don't like to see children abused or hurt. I found it to be artsy sadism. My thumb is down.) I also saw THREE TIMES and I was bored out of my mind.

I did not see Clint Eastwood's two anti-war films. I also did not see BABEL. I have opted to not see THE GOOD GERMAN or THE GOOD SHEPHERD or THE PAINTED VEIL or CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER. You know what? I'm tired of war. I am sure these films are all quite good but I don't want to see any more war. I know it is wrong, real and horrible. War is over if you want it. I want it. Let it be over.

I want to see the new David Lynch film but he is walking it around the country and I think the SF screening has been sold out for a couple of weeks. Some day.

And, hey! Happy New Year! Sending out many good thoughts and positive vibes to all of you!!! Let's make 2007 the best year yet! ...and, if anyone can land me a job -- please do drop me a line.

Kisses,
matty

2006-12-29T19:03:00.000-08:00

A WALK OF ONE'S OWN ON THE LAST FRIDAY OF 2006...

It was one of those walks. You know the type to which I refer --- one of those deep thought walks. You know, where your mind ponders and wonders all over the map on the most important things that face each of us in our daily lives. It always seems -- to me --- that we focus so much energy and worry on things which really do not mean all that much at the end of the day. We make mountains out of moe-hills. And, I don't even know what a "moe-hill" is. I suspect it is a small mound of dirt created by some disgusting rodent known as a "moe" ...or, maybe a "moe-hill" has something to do with The 3 Stooges. Moe? I think that was his name. But, I digress.

Today is the final Friday of 2006. I walked down Market Street from the Embacadaro to my home in the Castro. It was a nice walk and gave me time to ponder one of those frustrating issues that has been weighing me down. We may never determine how to solve a problem like Maria but I think I might have figured out the problem I refer to as "The Gwen Stefani Identity Crisis" Yes. I figured it all out during my walk down Market Street on the final Friday of 2006!

Well, I guess I didn't really determine how to help Little Gwenie. However, I feel I understand her. How does one go from being a rebel from Orange County to an edgy SKA singer to pop superstardom to hip hopster sampling the likes of Oscar and Hammerstein and combining them with Madonna-like inspired rap and cool grooves from the likes of NERD. Well, I don't know how to help her, but I managed to break it all down. I could almost create the DNA Code which might allow us to alter any further off-way growths. But, alas, I am not a scientist. All I can do is share my intellectual insights gained as I strolled through the Tenderloin district. Yes, as I roamed amongst my crack-addle'd pals I came to the following conclusion:

The Proto-Crypt'd 2006 Gwen Stefani is now made up of the following celebrity ingredients with a dash of faux marriage and faux mom-hood (I stress "faux" because Gwenie most likely has the aid of an army of nannies) --- but, when one takes this into account with the following celebrity ingredients which go well beyond the standard influence or props or out and out rip-offs -- No, Gwen has a real problem. I worry that the following have somehow morphed into her actual DNA Code which is resulting in disturbing anthems which we are being FORCED to hear on a daily basis! Perhaps if we can understand we can help her.

...add all of the above up and what you get is pictured below:

...It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist or Brain Surgeon to know that all of those random things going into a MOR artist's brain can cause a real problem.

Now, what do we do? The re-mixes come out on the first Tuesday of 2007. We may be too late to help her (or ourselves) in time for that, but perhaps we can hatch an intervention. Does anyone have a hotline to The View?!?!?! Maybe those bitchy ladies will have some suggestions and could even get her to come on the show for help/guidance. Something must be done! I mean, I know it is her shit, but kids! This IS bananas!

If we pitch in together -- we may be able to help this would be Material Girl Gone The Way of Pink... Well, maybe.

2006-12-27T01:15:00.000-08:00

OUR CHRISTMAS COOKIES
...are odd, but we had fun making them. Actually, we had a great time. It all got off to a bang by attending the 9pm show of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus at the Castro Theatre! Then, we ate lots of sugar, opened pressies and chatted till about 3AM Christmas morning. Ing stayed over. Our sofa is quite comfortable. B got me the DVD box set of the Liz Taylor/Richard Burton movies!!! You've not really seen THE VIP'S until you see this new transer!!! Yay! Ing got me some way cool books! B seems to like the hooka and teddy bear I got him! And, then we spent Christmas hanging out, eating and cooking. Well, Ing and B cooked. I cleaned, played the music and ate. Actually, we all pretty much just ate. It was much fun. We also made a lot of cookies. Here are some pix!
B created this charmer of a Christmas cookie. I think it is of an angel gone horribly wrong. However, he explained that she was no angel and enjoyed every minute. I don't know that anyone ever ate this cookie.
me and me as a cookie.
A sampling of some of our festive creations. They tasted quite good. However, no one told me that you could not put chocolate in sugar cookies. That seems wrong to me. Cookies without chocolate should be against the law.
Here, Ing is preparing to make another round of cookies. Great gams, eh? And, she can work the heels! We walked about 10 blocks up and down some steep San Francisco streets on Christmas Eve and she never missed a step!
B making cookies!!! I think he really just wanted to try out that way cool bong I got him! Turns out, I will need to show him how to use it. But, we will only be using it for legal stuff. I got him rose petal and peach tobacco for his pretty hooka!!!
I made this one. I call it, "Menstrating Ghost of Christmas Past"
Another pretty sample of our cookies!
Hope everyone had a very merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T16:27:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS EVE BRUNCH IN THE CASTRO...

B & I were enjoying a delicious Christmas Eve brunch. We were discussing a few last minute shopping plans for the day and the evening's festivities which included dinner with friends, a late night performance by the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus at the historic Castro Theatre and Christmas with fab and beautiful Ing! We were filled with excitement and it was, at one point, rather romantic. It was crowded. There were two older gentlemen sitting next to us.

B had to excuse himself for a minute. It was at this point that I heard the following exchange between our table mates. Please note that the following exchange was performed at a rather loud range. I was not trying to listen in -- it was unavoidable to not hear it. And, this is what I heard:

"All I am saying is that I wish you could have just put the sling up before we got started last night!"

"Well, I am sorry! I guess I thought the chains were enough!"

...and, I thought, "Only in the Castro of San Francisco would hear this exchange over waffles, syrup and mimosas. Gotta love and embrace it!

Happy Holidays! ...And, remember -- sometimes chains are not enough when you want to fist the very best. Uh, I mean, "give" the very best! Toodles from GayTown!
matty

2006-12-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

OK, THESE ARE MY FAVORITE MOVIES: A Holiday Blog Post

I was thinking about the many things I could write about for my holiday post and I decided that I would write about my favorite art form: film. I've thought a great deal about it and this is a list of my all time fave movies. I thought it would be cool to try and find the original poster art and then supply a little review of each one... I should note that my favorite filmmaker is Fassbinder. Oddly, I would not count any of his movies as a personal favorite. These are my faves -- and below each "poster" I tell you why.

It is my opinion that Robert Altman was the best film director to come out of the US. He could be hit or miss, but when he hit --- no one could top him. I think this was his finest moment as a director. Funny, sad, political, satirical and unforgettable. Every time I watch this "epic" I am surprised at how easily Altman captured our entire fucked up culture by using the world of the mid-70's country music business as a backdrop. Filled with magic moments -- I think the most powerful is the magic way Lily Tomlin's face captures all the longing, desire, sadness and desperation of being human. Contrary to the film's theme song, this movie IS NOT easy. Brilliant.
...And, this -- if you ask me -- is Altman's second finest moment. For the most part, this entire film is improvised by both its lead actresses. Neither has ever been better. This film is really a sort of meditative dreamscape. If you've not seen it and you enjoy the unusual -- you really should check it out.
I think this is the best film to ever come out of Korea. I also think it is one of the most original movies I've ever seen. This is actually the second of a film trilogy, but one only need see this film. How much is real or imagined? I don't know that it matters. I think what is more important is to ask, "Who is seeking revenge and who is the real victim in this stunning study of violence.
I think this just might be as close to "perfect" as a movie can get. I suspect anyone who claims to not like it has probably never really sat down and watched it. Over 60 years old and every single frame still works. Fucking awesome!
...David Lynch takes us down a very different sort of yellow brick road in this warp'd road movie from Hell. I love everything about this movie and HAVE to watch it at least twice a year. I suggest it as a great double feature with THE WIZARD OF OZ!
Disguised as a horror film, this is really a movie about the real horror in life: loss. Hypnotic, beautiful, sad and quite disturbing --- a thriller for those of us who like to think.
For a film so focused on the fashions worn by its lead actress, this movie is without age. And, with each viewing you will notice something new. And, some 40 years on Bunuel's masterpiece still shocks and mystifies. This is puzzle of movie. An inversion of Alice In Wonderland of sorts. You won't forget it. You will not want to forget it.
This movie from 1975 is filled with a lot of "only one's" and firsts. There is and will only ever be one Ken Russell, Ann-Margret, Who, Elton John, Tina Turner and a TV that oozes baked beans, chocolate and bubbles. I do so love this movie! No matter what one has to say about it -- you can't claim to have seen another film even remotely like it and I don't think we would have ever gotten MTV without it. Can you hear me?
Haunting, sensual, erotic and oddly disturbed -- this is a magical film from a controversial Korean filmmaker. Weightless and beautiful. See it.
Totally entertaining. Over the top theatrics which manage to both creep and touch. Smarter than it deserved, this is a work of art.
Like feasting on loads of sugar. A pretty, funny and perverse tribute to the films of Vincent Minnelli and Douglas Sirk. And, who would have imagined that Ozon would have managed to get all of these French screen sirens in one room!?!?! Fun! Fun! Fun! ...and, really, pretty darn gay!
My personal fave Woody Allen film and beautifully photographed/framed tribute to our greatest city. Not as sweet or touching as ANNIE HALL, but a much deeper mediation -- and, I suspect, a more honest glimpse into the heart of this complex artist. And, who would have thought Diane Keaton could play a bitchy character so perfectly?!!? Gershwin has never been put to such great use. Well worth seeing for the first 10 minutes.
...I write about this movie too much. It is probably my all time fave movie. I know it is a guilty pleasure. Color me "guilty" and give me more Babs in an afro!
...if you've not seen this documentary you are missing one of the best ever made. Just perfect.
Flawed but somehow brilliant installment from Paul Morrisey's trilogy study of addiction and living on the glam down low. I dare you to not get pulled in! Viva La Holly Woodlawn! All three films Morrisey made rock, but this is my fave of the three. Largely improvised -- this film probably helped to create John Waters, but Morrisey's own moral agenda adds a level of import that transcends camp. This is a true art house experiment gone very bad --- and very well all at once! See it to believe it! ...And, check out TRASH if you dare. It almost made my list. Andrea Feldman RIP!
I think this might be the best bad movie ever made. I enjoy it even more than VALLEY OF THE DOLLS -- and, that is saying a lot when I say that! Shame! Shame! Shame on Miss. Ross for refusing for Paramount to release this on DVD! It is a treasure! She should fully embrace it and all those clothes she designed specifically for the movie! Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? ...don't ask Mahogany!!!
There are certainly other great films: TAXI DRIVER, CABARET, JOHNNY GUITAR, ROSEMARY'S BABY, THE EXORCIST, BLUE VELVET, ERASERHEAD, GODFATHER, LAST TANGO IN PARIS, WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?, THE DOUBLE LIFE OF VERONIQUE, UNDER THE SAND, PERSONA, SHAMPOO, MIDNIGHT COWBOY, ROMMY & MICHELLE'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, etc. ...but the ones I sited are my faves.

If you celebrate it or, if like me, you just enjoy the pretty lights, smiles and glitter -- Happy Christmas! I want it. So, maybe war will be over soon.

...and, while I do find this film to be a sort of interesting cinematic mistake, it is not good. But, I think this might be one of my all time favorite movie posters....isn't it wicked cool?!?!

2006-12-22T06:26:00.000-08:00

TO HIDE A FEELING

Where do you put a feeling like ths?

It is your last day. They give cards for the birthdays of temps and take one week temps to farewell lunches. This is your last day at a place where you have worked intimately with people for ten months. And, yet, here you sit. You sit alone at a lunch counter looking down at a scrambled egg. You push the toast off the plate. You've been asked to go to lunch early to ensure coverage. It's not busy and you know the office never has coverage, but you agree and go.

You realize that you are either so insignificant to them that you don't matter or that they want to make you feel bad or that they simply no longer like you. You don't want to care, but you feel hurt. You feel insecure. You feel a bit like the first grader who got picked last to be on the kickball team. That stinging feeling comes to your eyes like it did on that fall day back in Texas. Just like your six year old self, you dig your toes into the souls of your shoes. You vow that you will not allow them to make you shed a single tear. To do so means that they have won some power play over you and that WILL NOT happen. You swallow that lump and remind yourself that you may be hurt but the ones who have hurt you do not need to know. There is a bit of a difference. This is a difference of which you feel rather proud. That little first grader made a vow to himself that he would never be last picked again. ...and, he wasn't. He found ways of fitting in, being accepted and even mildly popular.

But, today is different. Today -- you simply slip on a blank mask. A mask that will allow you to hide how you're feeling. A mask that allows you to smile and project a feeling of confidence and happiness to match the failed attempts to look sincere when they say goodbye as you take your final paycheck.

You leave the office for the last time smiling, but a part of you feels defeated, beaten-up and sad. You feel confused and angry. You return the goodbyes with mutual well wishings. You laugh as the one who really drove you away "jokes" to not let the door hit your ass to hard as you leave. You "joke" back that nothing taps you on this ass unless you want it too and that you can't wait for this door to give you a nice pat on the ass. An awkward shared laugh.

Sure. You wish him a "Merry Christmas" but inside your head there is an echo of that first grader screaming something far less friendly. And, you ache to pull the mask off and let them all know how they all backstab each other over and over again. None of them even realize it. You know that you could cut them off at the knees with a few sharp sentences. You've been trained by the best in Corporate HR Hell. You know how to do it.

But, no. You dig in your toes. It isn't worth it. You will not let them see that they hurt you.

As you walk home in the rain you come to that sad realization that sticks and stones may break bones, but words will cut you deeper than any break. You walk into your home and slip the horrible mask off and you wonder:

Who won?

You take a deep breath. You catch the scent of your lover. You look at the lights on the Christmas tree. You feel a sense of freedom. And, you know --- yeah, you did win. And, you think you might have even managed to win with a bit of dignity. ...Something that matters to you. You did nothing for which to feel ashamed. You were honest about why you quit and you never failed to do your job. You did it well.

You toss the mask in the garbage. You hope you will not need again but you're adult enough to know that you might.

So, now you close this chapter on your odd careers journey. You will begin a new one in the new year. But, for now, the focus is on enjoying the holiday. Free.

2006-12-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

WHAT'S BEEN UNDER YOUR TREE? ...AND, WHAT DID YOU LIKE MOST?
...or, rather, what did you ever find there that you loved the most thus far in your life? Yeah. What is the best holiday present you've ever received? I'm curious. Share. Don't hold back.

I was thinking about this today as I tried to calm my nerves as someone was working what I thought was my last one. (this has not been a great week for me, but it is about to get much better! true. i will be broke and unemployed, but i figure i am quite employable and know that this is the right direction/path for me to take. the timing can't be helped. ...but, i digress...)

The Top 3 Christmas presents I've ever received came from my mother. This is a bit of a shocker as my mother is critically gift-challenged. As an example -- a few years back I received a large bottle of Tylenol. This year she sent B a fruit cake. She just doesn't seem to have a knack for knowing what to get someone for a gift. However, it is the thought that counts. And, I do think there is thought there -- just not a great deal of gift logic applied.

Still. When you're five years old and Santa brings you gift wrapped socks and underwear --- it is a bit of let down. I don't think she ever "got" that. The funny thing is that she and I discussed this just recently. I told her that she had given me the three best presents I had ever received. She had no idea that those three presents meant all that much to me. And, in a moment of true honesty she explained that all three almost didn't happen.

Between the ages of 8 and 11 my whole world revolved around two movies: Ken Russell's film version of The Who's TOMMY and Barbra Streisand's version of A STAR IS BORN. Yes, we all know I was an odd queer child. ....Most likely from the moment of conception. Anyway, I've written before that there were no boundaries in my family when I was a child. My father took me to see every movie released no matter the rating or the subject matter. My mother was quite fond of leaving me at cinemas to substitute for babysitters. In the summers I would pretty much live at the movie theaters in my home town. She never cared what I saw --- She would walk to the booth, buy a ticket to SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, give me $3, hand me the ticket and leave me alone to try and understand what I was seeing on the screen. Despite all the freedom and non-restrictions there was one area in the world of entertainment which left my mother quite nervous: Barbra Streisand.

When I was four years old and demanded that they buy me all of her records and began collecting pictures of the still young diva -- my mother knew I was gay. And, she blamed Ms. Streisand.
When THE WAY WE WERE opened I was not allowed to see it. THE EXORCIST? Oh, no problem. FUNNY LADY --- that was a fight. I had been dragged to THE GODFATHER movies but FUNNY LADY demanded that I throw fits to get her to agree to let me see it. But, back in 1976 A STAR IS BORN was a big deal. I remember her buying me a ticket to see CARRIE one Sunday afternoon and I saw the poster of ASIB in the lobby. I was 9 at the time I was entering the cinema to watch CARRIE but I was wishing I was 10 already and it that it was Christmas so I could be watching Barbra Streisand in A STAR IS BORN. My mother said "no" --- she told me it was a dirty movie and I couldn't see it. I remember pointing out that I was the only person in the 3rd grade who was being allowed to see CARRIE and she told me that CARRIE was just a silly horror movie. D'oh! ...but I didn't let up.

By the time my bday rolled around in November of 1976 I had pretty much won the battle. A good friend of hers had pointed out that she didn't see why it would be a problem for me to see ASIB if I had been allowed to see TOMMY, CARRIE and NETWORK. My mother caved. Of course, I ended up catching the flu right before Christmas and we couldn't go that evening. But, the LP was waiting for me under the tree. For some odd reason my mother had decided to cover the LP in really ugly 70's wallpaper because she "didn't approve" of the iconic photo that graced the cover. But, still, I had the record. ...no cover, but I had the vinyl and the pretty gatefold pix on the inside. I played that LP till you could see through it. ...The following spring we had to purchase a new copy for me. ...and a new turntable needle. I kid you not. And, by then, my mother gave up and let me have the LP with the cover, but I couldn't display it.

Anyway, this LP became my second fave Christmas present of all time.

The third came in the form of this: I searched and searched the Internet and I am ALMOST positive that this is the exact model boom box I was given for Christmas 1981. I love this boom box and played it for years. As a matter of fact I was still playing it when I left for Boston in 1991. This was my third favorite Christmas present. My mother almost didn't get it for me because she thought 8 Track tapes might make a come back. Luckily, another pal convinced her that this would not be the case. ...it came with a cassette of Elton John's Greatest Hits.

But the best present I ever received was given to me on December 29, 1976. Barely recovered from the flu, my mother took me to a screening of A STAR IS BORN at the Gaylnn Twin Cinema on Calder Street in Beaumont, TX. Mom was sobbing at the end -- as were most of the women in the sold out audience. However, everything is bigger with my mother. So, as Babs discovered Kristofferson's dead body on the side of the highway, my mom had to cry louder than anyone else. She looked like Alice Cooper at the movie's close so messed up was her make-up.

I was simply enraptured. This is one of the happy memories of my childhood. The next two weeks would be spent explaining the movie frame by frame to my classmates. All of whom wanted to see it, but were not allowed to see R-rated movies. That was a sublime present. Oh, and I got my first erection watching Kris Kristofferson and my mother forever tainted my image of The Captain & Tennille because of it, but that is a whole other posting --- in fact, I already posted about it several months back.

Now, what is the best present you've ever received? I wanna know it all. Don't hold anything back! ...and, Happy Holidays!

2006-12-17T16:17:00.000-08:00

QUEER COMMUNITY?

...I was reading an interview with Gore Vidal. I am not sure why. I do think he is a talented writer, but I have never cared much for what he has written. And, whenever I do read or hear him speak he seems to have been stuck in a bad mood for the past several decades and it tires me. In this interview he said that he didn't feel that he was a part of any gay communitity --- and had never felt that he was a part of any community. Then, he turned it around and asked if anyone ever feels like they are a part of a community of any sort.

My knee jerk reaction was, "Yes, I have felt that I was a part of several communities at one time or another" ...but, then I thought about it and I'm not really sure that this is true. Maybe I am a fringe dweller. Or, maybe there never has been such a thing as a gay community. I don't know. But, the cranky old man did give me something to think about. This thought led me to Fassbinder, one of my fave filmmakers, who was always quick to challenge and dis the theory of a "gay community" and I wonder. Is there one? Was there ever one? Have I ever been accepted as a member?

(sigh)

2006-12-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM SAN FRANCISCO!
...I so wanted to find one of those really tacky "enhanced" cards where the Golden Gate Bridge is decorated with light bulbs and the snow is falling but even tho they are in every store I enter I could not find a single image. And, soon, I shall be off to a party. So, this little retro Greetings Card will just have to do. Just imagine some glitter and snow and you'll be all set for my little message!

After the party we have to find a way to lug my CD collection to the used store, clean the house, attempt the laundry and see a movie. It is going to be a busy, but fun day! Last night B and I walked the Castro for a couple of hours searching for the perfect present for an old friend of his. We found it in the form of THE ELECTRIC COMPANY DVD set at Medium Rare CD's! Yay! I'm most jealous. However, while he was paying the cashier I found this:

Um, just kill me! I am thinking that I might just have to pick it up from my proceeds from selling my stuff. I mean I've been waiting all my life to see these films on DVD uncut. ...I've only ever managed Virginia Woolf. The others have not been on DVD. UNTIL NOW! Dammit! I do so wish that they had included BOOM! --- the Burtons' best film of all time. There I said it. Boom! Ah, Liz and Bobby at the Holidays. What more could one want?

...well, OK -- a lot more, I guess. However, this is enough to make me happy for a while. And, it would be such fun to watch THE SANDPIPER with B and Ing during our Xmas sleepover party! yay! ...well, fun for me anyway! I've made a deal with myself --if I can get it for under $40 then I'm getting it! Caution to the wind!

There are just some things a boy needs!

Look! It's a San Francisco Castro Santa! ...as my beloved Goldfrapp sings, "...boys will be boys"

OK --- the day is about to start! And, I can't wait!!! I've lost 5 of the 12 pounds I want to lose and am ready to get myself to my fourth holiday party of the year!

2006-12-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

AN EARLY XMAS GIFT
...from my baby!

So, ever since I moved in with B my cell phone (which was never very good anyway) has sucked even more! Actually, beyond sucking --- I simply got no reception in The Castro. Yes, the horror that is T-Mobile when you live in The Castro. Anyway, with unemployment looming I had dashed all hopes of terminating my contract with T-Mobile to join the ranks of either Verizon or Sprint. But, B surprised me with an early Christmas gift --- a way cool razr phone that moto designed for the cool (red) campaign which brings money to AIDS charities in Africa. Cool! I've a phone that actually works.

This, of course, brings me to the topics of both AIDS and phones.

AIDS has stolen more than a few friends from me. The early 90's were both horribly sad and scary. And, it still is -- the difference is that I now have friends who are living with it (or HIV) as opposed to waiting to die from it. Anyway, I am not sure how much Bono and my new cell phone will do to help anyone -- but something is better than nothing. Like only being able to afford to give $25 to my friend who is doing the AIDS ride --- I'd have rather given him $1K but $25 is all I can swing. So, that is something.

Phones. I hate them. I don't like talking on the phone. I like to see the person to whom I speak. I want to see his/her eyes. I want to connect and I seldom really feel connected on the phone. There always seems to be something else pressing for me or the person at the other end which needs to be addressed. And, I hate the sound of ringing phones. And, I hate the idea that it might look like I'm trying to look "cool" or "important" with my little cell phone. But, cell phones are a fact of life. As I start my job search --- this one is saving my ass!

Speaking of my ass. This brings me to the topic of Gala Market on 18th Street. B and I were there not too long ago. I was pushing the shopping cart. He was looking for some type of wine to go with steak. Two guys in the early to mid 20's were behind us. I could tell that we were in their way so I went to move the cart to the side but ended up backing into one of them. I apologized and moved to the side. ....they walked by us. As they passed, one of them said: "I am so tired of these skinny Castro bitches!"

I think B was pissed at the rudeness, but I loved them. I mean. You can call me a bitch as much as you like as long you tell me that I am also skinny!

Well, if you will excuse me --- I am very important and must make a phone call on my (red) motorazr cell phone. Oh, and B gave me a Streisand Superman screen saver!

Does he know me or what!?!?! Oh, phone's beeping! Gotta run!

Love you! Mean it!

2006-12-11T06:45:00.000-08:00

THIS IS AMAZING! TAKE A LOOK!!!

jerome murat
Uploaded by segalier

...oh, those zany French! Gotta love 'em! I wanna be French!

2006-12-10T17:15:00.000-08:00

A BRIEF MEDITATION ON STABILITY AND FREEDOM

I find that there seems to be a certain level of contentment to be found within instability. A degree of comfort in uncertainty that is impossible to measure but equally impossible to ignore. And, yet -- when my world is not stable and uncertain I am afraid. ...And, I am free. Freedom.

If, as Kris Kristofferson wrote, "...freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" --- then, during these times of fear, uncertainty and comfort I think I might be fully experiencing the full-on concept of "freedom" ...But, then I find myself questioning the logic of his stunningly true observation and discover what feels like a paradox.

You see, on many levels I have nothing left to lose but on other very literal levels - I have absolutely everything to lose.

I find my way back to the beginning of my thought. A complete circle. How real is this concept of "freedom" and how much of it do I ever really taste? ...lost in words, concepts and worries.

Stability. Instability. Safe. Settle. In life, how important are these words in practice vs. theory?

When I get myself into these faux philosophical modes I think of how I once told someone who had hurt me that I couldn't care less what he did. He took that a certain way, but what I was really saying was that I cared very, very much.

And, oddly exhilarated as I wait to see where the journey takes me, I wonder --- Do I open doors or do I simply re-construct traps to hold me in? My mind rattles, prattles and rambles on.

...I blur my vision as I look at the lit Christmas tree and simply get lost while those typewriter recordings play. I close my eyes.

2006-12-09T10:18:00.000-08:00

COOL GIFTS FROM UNKNOWN PARTIES...

I arrived at my mailbox this morning to discover two packages for me. They were both holiday gifts but neither listed who they were from. I wish I knew so I could thank the right person! But, I don't unless they tell me. So, this is a big thank you to the person who wrote, "Thanks for making me laugh! Happy Christmas! Enjoy some hot butt!"

...I so adore this magazine and only discovered it about a year ago so I'm all excited to have this book!!!! Can't wait to start reading it! Yay! I love the fact that the gay porn used is of "real" men and not some marketing proto-type of what men should look like. It's, like, actually sexy! And, the writing is actually damn good! ...what other magazine offers up an interesting interview with Mr. Edmund White -- and then provides us with candid photos of him exploring his foot fetish. God bless 'em!

The other package was smaller but contained a DVD of a movie I love! ...THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK. I always loved the way this movie looked and enjoyed the over-the-top performances of it's actors. ...even tho George Miller and Jon Peters totally trashed John Updike's book --- the movie was so cool this failed to even bother me too much. I just pretend it has no relation to Updike's work. Tho, truth be told, I am not a big Updike fan anyway. I also love this film because it is the only movie I've ever seen where each of the three female leads' hair gets bigger with each passing scene. At the start Cher, Michelle and Susan all have flat/lifeless hair --- but with each scene their hair gets brighter and bigger. ...Until by the film's end they are each sporting the biggest 80's hair one can even imagine. Anyway, there was tiny card upon which someone wrote, "Hang in there and enjoy the holidays" So sweet! Thank you!!!

Oh, and can I just say that I am somehow addicted to that new song by Gwen Stefani in which she samples the yodel song from THE SOUND OF MUSIC? I refuse to be ashamed. It is odd. It is sounds too much like "Holler back Girrrrl" ...but, I seem to love it. Who would have thought of merging Julie Andrews with hip hop flava?!?!?! You have to give props for just having the idea. ...I guess. I wonder how Julie feels.

2006-12-07T20:35:00.000-08:00

WHO IS THIS BITCH ANYWAY? ...or, THE MAGIC THAT IS MARLENA SHAW
...I don't remember when I first heard Marlena Shaw's voice, but I do remember the song. I was about 9 or 10 years old. My father took me to see the controversial Diane Keaton film, LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR -- much to the dismay and anger of the cinema manager. I remember her making a scene saying something like, "How dare you take your child to see a movie like this! This is not a movie for children!" ...of course, she was correct. However, aside from being horrified by the still upsetting ending -- I don't think it caused me any problems. Anyway, Marlena Shaw sang the theme song. The song was bad but the vocal was really interesting to me. Years later I heard her voice again -- this time singing a great song called "You Taught Me How To Speak In Love" ...A song which should have been too icky sweet, but thanks to her delivery is this stunning little piece of art. I remember tracking down the LP at the headshop. The LP was called "Who Is This Bitch, Anyway?" ...the incredible cover shot says it all.

This first LP I purchased is gone, but the cover remains. It hangs in our living room. I love the audacity and personal strength of it. Just check out that face and intensity. Talk about "fierce" -- this is a strong woman but somehow filled with a softness at certain times during a song. I also love the challenge Ms. Shaw lays down with the opening track. I don't know much about Shaw, but the opening is funny but rather uncomfortable exchange between she and a potential "john" ---- now, this is about 5 years before Donna Summer ever thought of 'Bad Girls' --- but Marlena Shaw's take is much more open and direct. ...in less than a minute we know that she (or maybe this 'character') was once for sale, but she had her price and it would NOT be lowered. As the "john" tries to convince her to "be" with him for $20 she casually loses him -- and their voices and street voices fade away into music. And, what music! Her voice is not as beautiful or touching to me as Babs or as heart-wrenching as Billie Holiday -- but it has a strength and desire of hope that has always pulled me in. And, a sense of freeness and humor that really reaches me.

Anyway, Marlena Shaw is on my mind because as I was riding a crowded streetcar home I pressed the shuffle on my iPod and her voice came on. And, with that, came calm and a smile. She is still out there recording, performing and working it. It is my understanding that she enjoys a rather lucrative nightclub career in Japan. It doesn't matter, tho. Her music brings me joy. This is one bitch who I respect and who rocks my world with her music. Check her out if you get a chance. I know she sometimes performs in New York. If you're there --- I'd advise you to get a ticket!

2006-12-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

...AND, THE DISCO BALL HAS FALLEN

There seems to come a time when many great things take a turn. This is not an absolute. At least, I hope it is not. However, when it comes to my odd career journey this has held true. I thought I had found the perfect job --- and, perhaps it is perfect for someone, but not for me. Anyway, I will miss the many cool friends for whom and with I have worked. Effective in about 3 weeks my current job closes.

I'm feeling excited about the possibilities and adventures that lie ahead. I know that there will be stress and lack of funds will become an even greater problem. But, things happen for a reason. At least I like to think they do. Humor me.

...and, there is always my career as a junkie whore I've never fully explored. However, B has asked me to avoid that road for now. However, he is cool for me to look into that position as Brain Surgeon at UCSF.

If anyone has any job leads --- let me know! I shall be job hunting like crazy come the New Year! Potential employers keep me in mind!

2006-11-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

where do i get the extended club mix? ...you know, this could be a hit!

2006-11-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

THE SICK ONE...

No Pity Party. If anything I guess I need a Learn Some Common Sense Rally. However, I am about to "whine" a bit.

OK. So, I didn't feel 100% yesterday or last night. I felt tired, rather run down and somehow "off" but I was able to eat a sandwich and had even had a cookie. And, while I was tired -- I was not sleepy. Actually, I was bored. I always know I'm sick when I don't mind being at home looking at the TV or off into space. So, I was ready to roll to work today. I woke up. I still felt the same as yesterday but I'm tough. So, I ate a bit of oatmeal. I just wasn't hungry for the whole cup. I walked to the my MUNI stop (Castro) and was starting to feel sort of "queasy"

Now, over the years I've been sick on public transit more times than I care to mention. This is mainly because I tend to push myself forward and refuse to give in to being sick unless I absolutely have to do so. This is what happens when your father was a hypochondriac. I constantly worry that I will wake up one morning and be like that. So, I do my best to forge on! Not always too smart. In my 20's this served me well. And, it also did the trick thru most of my 30's. I'm in good shape, but I guess the body changes as you get older. Anyway, my forging ahead has been catching up with me this last two years and I've ended up making myself more sick than if I had just laid down and taken it easy for two days.

Well, this morning I was feeling more and more "off" as the MUNI rolled toward my stop for the office (Powell) ...by the time we reached Civic Center I had the distinct feeling I was going to be able to go to work today. This really sucks as I do not get paid for time out and I used up my vaca time when I visited my mother in Texas. But, I stood up to change trains and head home. ...and, that was when I knew I was about to pass out.

Yep. I didn't tho. I sat down and put my head between my knees and thought of all things bright and happy in an attempt to not fall on the oh-so-not-clean-MUNI-subway car.

I called my doctor. I saw my doctor at his other office.

I got a big lecture. I am no longer contagious. Actually, I'm not really "sick" --- I'm dehydrated, need nourishment and some rest. Then I will be fine. He told me to eat solid foods and drink lots of water yesterday to build up strength for today. I guess I didn't do enough of either. And, when one doesn't feel up to par one should take more time to access the situation before jumping on public transit. So, I've been sent home. I'm to drink water. Lots of water. I am to eat food. Lots of food. And, take it easy. I don't have to be in bed but I should not be out and about for another day or so. He wants me to stay home tomorrow. No work. Which means I shall be missing a week's pay. So sucks.

Anyway, so it goes.

I'm fine. Oh, and I guess Diet Coke with ice does not count as water.

And the doctor said as I left his office: "Look, you may not look 40 but you're not a kid. Take better care of yourself and listen to your body when it is telling you it is not well. Kids can do that. You can't anymore. You are not a hypochondriac. In fact, you take it too far in the other direction. You'll be fine tomorrow, but take it easy."

oy. On top of all this, my cell phone does not get ANY reception at my home. I have no phone. I have to walk approx a block to get cell reception. This is a pain in my ass. And the worst thing of all is that this weekend is B's birthday and I've planned a big party for him. The doctor promised me that I am no longer contagious -- and, if I listen and follow his guidance, I will be fine come tomorrow and the party will be just fine. He just wants me to take it easy. And no dancing on table tops this weekend. ...and, no drinking. I don't drink but I have been known to dance on table tops. Guess not this weekend, tho.

However, still worried that I could turn into my father who obsessed on every little part of his body and bodily functions -- and, as I am stuck here with nothing to do --- I just found an online test and it seems to agree with my doctor! I guess my perspective just needs to change. The test grades from "0" to "100" --- "100" meaning you're a complete hypochondriac. hmmmm....

Results of "The Test"
How much of a hypochondriac are you?
Your score = 15 (Very Low)

What does your score mean?
According to your answers, you don't generally obsess about your health or overreact to commonplace symptoms and ailments. Your physical well-being may very well be important to you (as it should be) but you know that distressing excessively about it won't protect you from health trouble - if it comes, you'll handle in then. Why waste your time worrying? As a result of your attitude, you're able to stay relatively calm and collected when you're feeling a little "off". As long as you put in the necessary effort to maintain a healthy body, your perspective is serving you well.

So, it is laying about, drinking fluids, eating food, surfing the net and watching DVD's for me today (and tomorrow) ...I'd rather forge forward...

2006-11-29T16:47:00.000-08:00

TALES OF ABUSED AMBROSIA or THE 2006 HOLIDAY SEASON THUS FAR: A (mostly) VISUAL REPORT

Even though I do not identify with any religion, I always find myself wanting for a special and traditional holiday season. I've never really had one. I am not sure they even exist. Oh sure. I hear about people who travel miles and miles to visit their families where organized meals of Norman Rockwell proportions are described --- but, when I dig further I discover that these folks' families are just as screwed as the rest of us. We are about to move into the month of Hell, uh, I mean December. I guess there is a part of me that wants to tell you that the following picture best exemplifies my Turkey Day, but it doesn't. And, to be perfectly honest, I am so fucking relieved that it doesn't and never will! How boring! No! Not pour moi!

Nope. Thus far the holidays have been a lot of fun. Oh sure, there are sad family issues looming, some seasonal depressions, lack of funds and stomach virus --- but between all of that --- we've been having a blast. I thought of writing some witty observations of my Turkey Day spent with Ing where she and I raised some Hell and a couple of gophers out of the ground. I was also thinking of telling you a bit about our (mis) adventures as B, Ing and I formally celebrated Turkey Day a few days late and mixed it with a celebration of Ing's Bday and the raising of our Xmas tree --- but I thought it might be more fun just to randomly upload some pix from that evening to give you a feel. We had much fun! Only a few things got broken.

...there was the issue of the ambrosia recipe my mother provided to Ing, but I've been sworn to secrecy. Suffice to say that there is more to this picture than meets the eye. Oh, and when hanging pretty disco balls on your tree it is best to not put them in your mouth. Ing and I learned this the hard way. Also, remember --- and, never forget! Every fake xmas tree needs a 70's Elvis ornament. ...I believe it is now a law.

I've been quite sick, but am feeling much more human today and return to work tomorrow!!! Yay! And, B is about to have his Bday! ...and, a party is headed our way this Friday night. It will kick ass!

And, here are some pix from our Turkey/Ing/Decorate the Xmas Tree Evening! We had great fun, food, music (everything from Babs to Goldfrapp to FreakWater) and created more noise than was thought possible by three adults.

...and, I offer no explanations.

2006-11-28T16:58:00.001-08:00

WRITER BLOCKED...

So many moments of joy and happiness have come my way this holiday season. Sadly, I think the balance between those songs of joy has been equal to the moments of pending loss, confusion and worry. But, this is life. It tends to flow like that. I was going to post about the fun times had with Ing as we ran about on Turkey Day. I was also going to share much of the fun that was had at our home when we "officially" celebrated the holiday this past Saturday, but I didn't get to it fast enough. I've got some great pictures, tho. And, Ing and B both have some great photos --- some of which I hope to share on my blog soon. But, before I got around to posting about these adventures I got a headache.

It started when B, A and I were on our way to Emeryvile to see FAST FOOD NATION. My head hurt in a way that was unfamiliar to me. Not a migraine. And, then I started to feel sort of "achey" all over. And, then, the flu hit. Or, as my doctor called it, "viral gastro-something-or-other" which is just now starting to pass. In fact, I am not to "resume normal activity" until Thursday --- which sucks. However, luckily that should just about work out perfect as I am hosting a big Birthday Party for my B this Friday night!

Anyway, as I lay under my blanket trying to stay warm I've been trying to decide upon a subject to write --- it strikes me that I watched an interesting film via DVD yesterday during the height of my "sickness" -- in fact, I had to watch it twice to be sure I caught everything. I kept wishing that I could watch it with both Ing and Ginab because it was "sort of" about the process of writing jumping off into a strange idea of where our discarded artistic ideas go once we detach them from ourselves. Interesting idea. So, I shall write a bit about this film. Perhaps some of you are already familiar with it or might decide to find a way to become familiar. I do encourage that one give the film a chance.

The Pang Brothers jumped to international stardom as filmmakers with the release of their infamous film, THE EYE in which a beautiful blind woman has eye surgery and begins to see spirits all about.
Spooky, disturbing and fun -- the Chinese film was a major hit. It also introduced a very talented and beautiful actor to the mainstream, Angelica Lee (also known to some as Lee Sinje) ---- From Malaysia, Lee is a pop singer and sometimes actress. From what I can tell, she should focus more on her acting, which is quite good. After THE EYE, so much was expected of The Pang Brothers. Thus far, they have failed to live up to the potential that we all anticipated. Full of interesting ideas -- the Brothers Pang tend to fall back on all-too-easy by the number filmmaking. So, when it was announced that they were re-uniting with Lee to create a high concept big budget (by Hong Kong standards) film -- there was a great deal of excitement. So much, in fact, that they were virtually insured a slot at Cannes this year.

RE-CYCLE is the resulting film. It did debut at Cannes this year. As was the case with the more lofty Sophia Coppola concept film about French history -- it was not well received. From what I gathered, half the audience left the screening of RE-CYCLE before it reached the halfway mark and the remaining audience members applauded politely. RE-CYCLE failed to secure distribution outside of China. And, it did not do great business there, either. What caused me to become interested was the random "word of mouth" on the Internet where those who had managed to see the film debated the film's true meaning and the fact that, while flawed - there was a great deal of magic to be found in the movie. So, I contacted my pal in NYC several months back and he came thru. He sent me a pristine DVD copy of the movie which is now available to all if you look hard enough.

...ideas for a great novel about to be erased and replaced with new ones...

The "plot" of the film is almost non-existent. This is an experimental art film barely disguised as a horror film. Sadly, the attempts at horror fail and get in the way of the true beauty of the film. Luckily, the presence and talent of Angelica Lee help the film move through the silly horror moments. Lee plays a troubled romance novel writer. Somewhere in her late 30's she has reached a great level of success but is lonely and bored with the entire romance genre. She has decided to move into the supernatural genre but can't seem to get a grip on where she wants to go. Characters are only half formed in her head and she doesn't seem to have a clue when it comes to what the plot should be. The return of a an old lover has taken over her thoughts. Her loneliness and angst have clogged her imagination --- she is a writer blocked.

It is not long before we see that something is trying to reach out to her. Is it her imagination? Is it a ghost? Is she going crazy? ...It is not really clear. But, before long we see our writer literally plunge into a nightmare version of Hong Kong. The city is in ruins. She has walked into a landscape right out of a video game. And, like a video game --- she quickly discovers that she can only stay in one place for so long before angry bodies fall from the sky or emerge from the ground intent upon attacking her. Everyone and everything in this "world" is upset with her. The CGI special effects are clearly just that but are so beautifully detailed that one can't help but sigh at the beauty of the "horrors" surrounding Lee. And, it is impossible to not be impressed with her skills as an actress to emote feelings that we can understand and with which we can relate -- I suspect that there might only be 4 scenes in the whole film where Lee is interacting with real objects and people. Her work as an actress is simply amazing.

My DVD copy is poorly sub-titled. An old man is called "Granny" and other silly mistakes are made. But, hey, it is a bootleg. Anyway, The Pang Brothers idea is clever and surprisingly clear. Our writer has stepped into a world populated by characters, objects and unfinished/undeveloped ideas/plots which she has discarded during the "artistic process" -- I was mezmorized as, like a sort of further warped Alice In Wonderland, Lee journeys through abandoned ideas and characters who are turning on her for not developing them so that they can live on in this place --- which, is somewhere in her mind. ...panic and wonderment in a world full of forgotten ideas, fears and loves. Abandoned, lonely, angry and without hope for revision --- a writer blocked in a world of her own design. ...in her head.

Before too long, our writer meets up with two key figures who seem willing to help her find her way back to home. Or, as she asks, back to her own world. It is also not too long before we realize that THIS place is a bit more than just under-developed ideas for unfinished/unwritten stories/novels --- like all of us who like to tinker with words, it may be fiction --- but it is all balled up in our own reality. These untold stories and characters are based on her own experiences and people she has known --- or, should have known.

I love films from Asia. More than any other part of the world, these countries seem to wear their hearts (and chips) on their sleeves. Not afraid to share the level of confusion infused in the cultures --- and fearless in opening up the psyches which are almost beyond "fucked up" --- I tend to get lost in the ideas I find in films from Japan, Korea and China.
Life is scary and we are all horrified of death and being alone --- so the use of the horror genre has always made sense to me.

At the climax of RE-CYCLE is the revelation of something quite tragic about the life of this writer. I do not want to offer up what that is. I am not going to provide a spoiler. However, I will write that this tragedy is a loaded one for us in the West. I leave this film feeling rather mixed about what two men might be trying to say about a female character of their own design. Of course, this very complexity makes me all the more mezmorized.

The ending to the film is disturbing and intentionally opaque. However, for me, it is clear. We all live two lives. One in real time and the other in our heads. We hope for things that can't be had and, for those lucky enough to be artistes --- those hopes and ideas can be explored in art. In this film, the writer must come face to face with the truth that her choices as an artist and as a person come at a price for both her art and her life. This is true for all of us. However, the Pang Brothers were wise to use the mind of the artist to explore those elements that haunt all of our lives -- the regrets, the loneliness, the unfinished, the unresolved, the unexplored and the price for what we fail to re-cycle. ...and, the price for what we do re-use.

Ultimately, this is a very flawed film. Too much time spent on horror that isn't all that scary. Too little time spent on actually developing the character so beautifully played by Lee -- and the fatal mistake of trying to please too many members of their audience. Experimental/art house fans like me will tire of the horror tricks and fans of that will tire of the experimental. But, man, what a gorgeous mistake. And, one worth checking out on rainy Sunday or when you're not feeling so up too par.

2006-11-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

THE BEST THING

"This is the best thing to wear for today, you understand. Because I don't like women in skirts and the best thing is to wear pantyhose or some pants under a short skirt, I think. Then you have the pants under the skirt and then you can pull the stockings up over the pants underneath the skirt. And you can always take off the skirt and use it as a cape. So I think this is the best costume for today."

Tho, one may not agree with her fashion sense --- one can't deny that she had one!

Last night Ing and I took in a viewing of the incredible documentary by the Mayles Bros, GREY GARDENS. It was screened at The Castro and we were all treated to a live interview with Jerry. Yes, The Marble Fawn. It was cute and touching to see and hear this interesting self-deprecating man discuss the two women, Big and Little Edie and his relationship to them and the way his time at Grey Gardens has impacted his life. Ing had not seen the film so it was much fun to see it with her! After the screening and interview -- we got the sneak preview showing of the Mayles Bros new video film which is made up of un-used footage from their time filming the two Edies. It was much fun, but I think I would have enjoyed the second film on a different day. 3 hours of Grey Gardens is a bit over-powering. I wish I had the money to get to NYC to see the new musical version on Broadway. I might not like it, but I'd love to see it. If you have been lucky enough -- share your thoughts! It worries me that it was composed by the same man who gave us the score to ANNIE. ...at least, that is what I had read. True?

If you've never seen it -- it is high time you did! It is on Criterion DVD and you can easily rent it. Be warned -- it is oddly hypnotic and manages to touch some interesting buttons in us all: lost dreams, the struggle of parent-to-child relationships, the on-going struggle against a society which insists we all conformity, insanity and sanity thru the tough times. I think, also, the film holds special merits as film which touches on some tough issues unique to women. I can see it. I can feel it. But, I think it has a very different impact for women than men. It also holds a great deal of fun for those of us who love our camp with a dose of real humanity tossed in. This is life, kids.

Last night, as I watched the film it made me reflect on my choices in life and the choices I find myself needing to make. It kept me up all night. Thinking. Hard. I think Ing is a little worried about me, but I'm OK. It's all cool and good. Grey Gardens is a great place to visit, but you would not want to live there.

And, in honor of the film, Little Edie and Thanksgiving --- here are some of my fave quotes from the movie!

"Horrors! Somebody's removing the books from my room! Where'd this little book come from?"

"But you see in dealing with me, the relatives didn't know that they were dealing with a staunch character and I tell you if there's anything worse than dealing with a staunch woman... S-T-A-U-N-C-H. There's nothing worse, I'm telling you. They don't weaken, no matter what."

"I'm gonna get naked in just a minute, so you better watch out!"

"He always compliments me on the way I do my corn."

'Little Edie': You can't have your cake and eat it, too in life.
'Big Edie': Oh, yes, I did. I did, I had my cake, loved it, masticated it, chewed it and had everything I wanted.

Amen.

2006-11-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

COAT OF HAIR OR MY VISIT TO THE DOCTOR...

Last night I met up with my pal, Alan, and we took in a viewing of the much debated film "about" Diane Arbus. The film, FUR, has come under a great deal of criticism. And, I was expecting to hate it. I love the work of Diane Arbus and have always felt she had a truly fascinating life and eye. I could not really fathom why someone would opt to create "an imagined" portrait of her life.
It didn't take me long to understand. I am aware that there are a number of folks who disagree with me, but this film takes us to places I've not yet visited and it avoids the typical TV movie cliches that most bio films fall into. There is very little "truth" to be found in this film when it comes to the facts of her life --- but this film is not so much about Arbus as it is about her art.

Every scene is framed with care. Every use of light serves a purpose. And, as we watch a de-ethnitized/de-constructed Diane Arbus meet/fall in love with her "id" -- make love to it, accept it and jump head first into the mysteries of life that seemed to capture her every blink --- we are pulled into a warped and beautiful world of imagination and celebration of the inner-freak. So perfectly composed.

We are also given a disturbing view of suicide and the immense sadness of self that can lead to that. However, it seems this film is missing an audience. I suspect this is because of the casting of the most odd choice to play Arbus and the seeming inability of the 21st Century to fully grasp romance and self-discovery. Interesting. We are living in a time that is in desperate need of real romance and focus on "self" ....Oh, well. I LOVED it! I put it up there as one of the best I've seen this year.

I am trying to save money and lose my "new marriage" weight of about 8 pounds. So, I've not been eating sugar, trying to only eat half of whatever is served and walking a lot. I had a doctor's appointment today. Last night, I purchased a large popcorn (even tho I can't finish one -- the thing is I can't stand the idea of spending $3 on a tiny bag of popcorn when I can get a large one for just 50 cents more)

So, I got that and a large Diet Coke. I guess I ate about half the silo of popcorn and half the large Diet Coke. When I got home I had 3 classes of water. I woke up late so I opted to skip breakfast. I went to the doctor during my lunch hour at 1:00PM. They took blood tests. This was just a check up. All is fine. Anyway, I had lost 4 pounds! Yay! But, after they took my blood -- I was just chatting away to the nurse who drew it. I stood up as we were laughing and I started to pass out.

Well, I got lectured up and down. I had to lie down, drink juice and promise to go have a full lunch. I did. And, I ate half my plate of dinner. ...and, I am going to allow myself half a cookie. I walked home tonight. Sigh. Food. I guess one needs it. Money. I guess I need to make more of it.

I wish I had a coat of the hair of my "id" ...I think it would be blonde and wavy. It would blow in the wind, keep me warm and require me to move to Malibu. I can't take very good pictures, tho. And, while I do like to face what scares me --- i don't really like to hang out with those things all the time.

If you've seen the film you know the closing exchange of lines. I loved those two lines as I think they rather sum up Arbus' work.

Can you tell me a secret?

2006-11-18T07:07:00.000-08:00

THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF DESPAIR

...We've all been there. Don't try to deny it. You wake up and everything just seems to be wrong or more than a little off. Life tosses a lot of curve balls. Now, I don't know much about basketball. But, while I may not be able to catch all of Life's Curve Balls -- I am usually able to dodge them. And, Kids, trust me. I do know a thing or two about the passive/aggressive game of golf. No, I mean -- football. Or, is it called dodge-the-ball-as-the-mean-3rd-grader-pelts-you-in-the-groin. Well, I guess that's not really true. I don't know much about sports. But, I'm an expert when it comes to the pleasures of the flesh. So, I know one or two things about balls. And, it is always best to apply a little extra pressure at the base if they are a bit too anxious.

Kids, what I'm trying to say is: you have to find ways to cope when things get you down. Quite often, when the sunny sky seems gray or the weight of being old and poor really hits me -- I don't cry and wallow in my self pity! Sure, sometimes you have to do that. Tho, I don't recommend falling apart at Pier 39. ...this tends to upset the tourist and gets the sea lions all tense. It is also a bad idea to embark on a full-on Pity Party With Breakdown on the Golden Gate Bridge. Trust me on this one. Strangers tend to either pull you off the bridge, ask you to take their pictures or encourage you to take a jump off into the water. And, inevitably, these dudes in red uniforms show up and quite literally force you into a van and you end up spending 48 hours in a smelly place where you have to discuss your feelings and have no access to sharp objects or chocolate. Sucks.

No. What I do is really quite simple.

I like to go to a happy place. A site like Union Square or a lovely San Francisco park filled with dogs and happy people. I have my Diet Coke and my journal. I sit both down on the ground and just start to sing my little dark heart out!

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"

Sometimes, I will do a bit of a dance. I like to do a variation on some Julie Andrews and late 70's John Travolta moves. A Hollywood Dance Smash-Up, if you will. I normally sing the song about 5 to 20 times and dance about in free abandon.

...I don't feel any better, but the kids seem to enjoy it. Sometimes I even get handed spare change. Normally, a beefy cop shows up and asks me to move along. If I ask why he usually threatens to "take me in" --- Cops are so sweet and sexy to me. It is at that point I pick up my journal and Diet Coke and head out to find a friend like Ing or Alan --- or my B if he isn't too busy hiding behind large objects as I sing. Sometimes one can fight off the despair that life gives us by simply showing up at a friend's work cubicle or station and jumping up and down. Or, if you're like me, a nice little bit of stripping at a quiet book store is a nice idea. Well, it is an idea. It normally doesn't do much other than upset the book seller and her customers. Especially if you start to strip during a reading group. ...Something about causing the group's focus to shift away from the matter at hand and it all being far too inappropriate when discussing Henry Miller. I don't know. I don't know too much about recycling. But, what I'm trying to write is that we should turn to our friends when we feel blue or down.

...and, Julie Andrews. She rocks and had really nice tits well into her 50's.
"...Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things!"

Then, of course, there are always pretty lights one can string up around poles. However, I think a permit might be required for that. The important thing is to laugh, play lots of Goldfrapp, eat chocolate, and ignore your boss. Try to be green. But, keep in mind - it isn't easy being green.

2006-11-15T12:47:00.000-08:00

THE TRUCK STOP OF LIFE ON I-40
Simle! You're 40 and back in your home town!

Yes, kids, I turned 40 the other day. And, I turned it with my mother in town of my birth in Texas. I had not been to Texas since the summer of 1997 and I had not seen my mother in over two years. So, there I was. Turning 40 in Texas with my mom. I wish I could tell you that turning 40 was no big deal. You know, that it's just a number and one is only as young (or old) as one feels but I have to tell you that I didn't enjoy turning 40. I know it is just a number and that I am in better physical shape than I've enjoyed since my early 20's AND I am happier now than I've ever been BUT turning 40 sucked for me. It just sucked. Sorry. And, you know --- I'm really not a negative person. I am a fairly up-beat and positive-oriented sort of person who likes to laugh. But, um, 40 is not much of a laughing matter for me. However, I am still processing thru it. I shall not bore you any further with my bitching about getting old. But, turning 30 was much easier. I shall leave it at that. Now, I shall tell you a few things about my trip back to Texas.

Much has changed in my birth land since I left it back in 1991. Poverty appears to be quite high. No more "boom" left at all really. Tho, to be honest, I don't really recall it ever "booming" much. However, you know things have changed when Goodwill has three locations and one those is at the mall next door to Macy's. Odd, that. True, the little town was just about destroyed by that bitch of a storm, Rita, last year. One can still see folks trying to re-build their homes and more than a few businesses. However, I don't think the storm is fully to blame for the down turn. I am not sure what is going on. My mother kept insisting that things were great for my home town and that the economy was looking up. She just sort of stared at me when I asked if it was a good thing that the Hilton was now called "L'Elegante Inn" ...I don't think that is good indicator that things are looking up, but I could be wrong. One thing that never changes are the cows. There are plenty of cows. Let's call the one above "Bertie" ...At least that is what I called her when I took the picture.

...There used to be a really nice jewelry store but it is now this place. At first I thought it cool and even entertained the idea of finally getting that Hello Kitty tat I've been talking about for so long but then my mother casually mentioned that the town's Hep situation was not so good. And, then I saw what I can only describe as a Crack Pimp and his prize Crack Ho drive up in a "soup'd-up" Honda truck. I am fairly certain that there are more trucks, cowboy hats and silver belt buckles in my home town than anywhere in the South. I could be wrong. However, I do not think so.

I had wanted to re-visit a few of my old haunts. One of which was my Head Shop. More than just a friendly little head shop, Sunrise was my childhood/teenage oasis of fun. This is where one could find great LedZep/Who/Fleetwood Mac bootleg LP's and neat shirts! It was one of my fave places and it still stands! However, it had just been raided and I could not go in. My mother told me that they had been busted for selling child porn. But, later, when I was hanging out with one of my dearest friends on the planet --- she told me the truth. Yes, kids. It is still illegal to sell sex toys in my home town. Now, one can still sell pipes and roach clips so the wise town elders opted to bust Sunrise for selling dildos since they can't do a darn thing about the fact that many folks opt to smoke a bit of weed from time to time --- they can stop 'em from pleasuring themselves with Devil Sex Toys. I found it amusing that my mother thought it had been child porn. Support Sunrise Records!

This is a fun place. Home of the Original Pig Sandwich! Hungry yet? Anyway, I thought it amusing that they were advertising the Graduating Class of 1966 -- the year I was born. Cops love this place. My friend reminded me of the time she went in with her date a wee bit stoned and began to become amused that there were so many cops enjoying Pig Sandwiches. When I was a small child -- you could drive up and a lady would roll out on rollerskates and present you with a Coke Float. It was like that George Lucas movie crossed with THE LAST PICTURE SHOW. Both me and my mother declined from actually going in but I took a picture.

Now, it is always about 95 to 100% humidity, but it can get cool from time to time. Cool translates to the 60's. It was cool for one day while I was there. It just happened to be the day that we ventured to the joint built on the bayou. There were no gators to be found. It was too cold and they were burried in the mud. Oh well. The food was good, tho. I think I gained 25 pounds. Things really do taste better when fried in pig lard. Yes, it's true.

Seriously, it was good to see my mom. We had some heavy discussions. We laughed a bit, too. I hung out with a dear friend who made me laugh so hard I cried. I took a look at where I had come from with both humor and respect. I had to laugh as I tried to take a picture of an odd store which had the inscription of "A Christian Store For Christians" under their home-spun logo --- and heard a cowboy/shit-kicker type say, "Hey, look at the Jew Boy taking a picture of Kristy's store!" ...I opted not to take the picture and just got back in the car. Yep. Welcome to my part of Texas! Of course, I guess I was taking that picture to make fun of Kristy's store. Tho, I had planned to go in and determine what defines a "Christian Store" as "Christian"

As I walked out of the San Francisco Airport and saw B driving toward me to pick me up, I realized how happy I was to be home. This is home. The place from which I came has a place in my history but it is not ever to be my future.

2006-11-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

GONE FISHIN'

Well, not really. But, I am off to Texas to see my mother for the first time in over 2 years. She asked me to have my cell on when I arrive in Houston because she is worried she will not recognize me. I haven't been to Texas since 1999. Turning 40 in the place where I was born. Hmmmm... Well, it should be interesting. I also think I'm getting a cold. Ugh.

Anyway, I've decided to not bring my iBook. So, I shall not have access to the Internet for about a week. No blogging. No email. It will be odd.

But, I shall be back!

Kissses from GayTown and a hug enroute to The Bible Belt!
matty

2006-11-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

OF MASS SUICIDES, DIRTY BLONDES, SHARP OBJECTS AND PENDING BIRTHDAYS...

...me turning 26 years old. yes, it was a long time ago. and, yes, that is a very forced smile. the guy I was "dating" at the time brought me flowers and slicked my hair down in an oddly dated way.

As far back as I can remember I have dreaded my birthday. I've never fully understood why. I suppose there were any number of factors when I was a kid. But, I suspect the main reason is that I have always understood that, with each passing year, the ride is getting closer to the end and it usually feels as if I am driving far too fast and way too close to the rail anyway. My "life-car" seems to be forever scraping against that rail leaving a trail of sparks. But, I just put my chin up and keep on driving it - hands firmly on the steering wheel, eyes on the road and in the rear view's reflection watching my past grow ever more distant. This year, as I drive toward The Date --- it strikes me that this is going to be one of those all-important milestone markers on I-40. So, this weekend I've opted to do a few things just for me. B is out of town and it seemed like the appropriate thing to do to attempt to keep away those birthday blues.

I left work last night and headed over to the new mall. This is the mall that our mayor seems to feel reflects the full-on dynamics of some version of "Camelot" he aspires to create for His San Francisco. Not sure where this Camelot plan leaves those of us making less than the average San Francisco income and can't really afford to live here, but I digress. Anyway, I wondered over to the shiny new megaplex cinema which housed a number of screens but is currently only showing 2 movies I would ever think of seeing. One of the two was sold out so I had no choice but to purchase a ticket to see this:

Based on one a GREAT book, this film version tried to be good. It does feature one extraordinary performance from Annette Bening. She manages to make the viewer feel something for a character, who, in the screenplay must have read like an evil bitch mom from hell. However, Bening was somehow able to convey a sense or level of humanity missing in the script's words and actions. She infused love and life into a half-sketched character which could have easily turned into a scenery-eating shrew. But, despite her great work, I didn't like this movie. I wanted to like it, but I just couldn't. Or, rather -- I can't like it. There was something far too sweet about the whole thing. Actually , I guess it is the one thing that the book never was: sentimental and rather smarmy. You know, the violins seemed to want to kick in every time Jill Clayburgh's eyes moisten'd up in extreme close-up. And, the actor playing the main character was about 4 years older than he should have been to actually play the character. But, his eyes kept filling with tears which seemed manipulative. Far superior to the other performances, Bening's tears seemed real --- and touching without the need for violins or close-ups. The whole film just felt far too calculated to warm my heart and too simplistic in wrapping up the absolute horror of this man's childhood. The book was funny, but it never backed down from those horrors and it never made me feel as if my emotions were being manipulated for some goose-bump effect. And, I'm sorry -- but Augusten Borroughs (sp?) appearance as himself sitting next to the too-old actor playing him was just too icky-Hollywood for words. Of course, it is never to see a book you love get translated for Hollywood. And, it came close to being OK.

After the movie, I drifted into one of those horrible mall bookstores. I know Ing will be mad at me but I think she would be more upset if I lied about it. But, I was bored and not looking forward to coming home to an empty apartment. So, I went in and picked up the new book by my fave celebrity train wreck, Miss Courtney Love. It really isn't so much a book as a censored duplication of her journals from over the years. As I read thru her teenage scribblings I see the reflection of me on a better budget. I see the reflections of some of my friends. I see a mirror reflecting back all that is fucked up in a culture which does not protect or nurture its children. A culture that has no respect for children or their safety. Like so many other victims, Ms. Love has had to fight all of her life to survive -- and, it is clear she is still fighting. I am sure this battle is harming many around her -- mainly, I would suspect, her daughter. But, from skipping ahead and reading some of her acknowledgements it seems like she is fully aware of that and it trying to do all she can to prevent any more harm. But, these are the thoughts of a deeply intelligent and angry woman who is trying to sort out some sense of the world in which her parents tossed her. I see powerful observations -- both strong and off-target. I see a person in development against all odds. I understand the need to escape into the fog and safety of drugs.

Today, I am more than halfway through it and -- from a safer distance, I see the political dynamics at play in an infamous celebrity's life. What if Courtney Love were a Mark Love? Yeah, what if she were a man? Would she be viewed as a pathetic train wreck or some rocker worthy of respect for survival instinct? A legend of coolness vs. a slutty crack ho? Someone troubled but cool instead of a fame fucker sad bitch? ...because I think it is safe to say that this is how much of the world views Courtney Love. I do not think that they view Iggy Pop the same way, but what if Iggy Pop were Betty Pop?

I suspect Love might be headed for more trouble. I hope not, but I suspect it. She seems to be fighting so many things at once. She is just a person. She is not a train wreck. She's been put in a car that is pushing against those rails. She can't seem to get out of slow it down. But, I can imagine some troubled, alone and abused child reading this book and finding strength to fight and survive. That is a very good thing.

Today I saw JONESTOWN: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE PEOPLES TEMPLE ...this may be the saddest documentary I have ever seen. It cut to the very core. I left the cinema almost staggering. I had cried. There were a few people at the screening who had lost family members to that tragedy. There was footage I never knew existed. How sad to see something which should have been an ideal goal turn into absolute Hell and tragedy. This is not a film for the faint-of-heart. There is another documentary out right now which is focused on the on-going tragedies also playing out in San Francisco: THE BRIDGE. Ing and I saw it last week. I don't think it had the impact on either of us that we had anticipated. A sort of art house snuff movie that raises more ethical concerns about the way it was filmed than what it tells us as a film. Without clear focus, THE BRIDGE just left me cold. But, the Jonestown documentary shook me to the very core. So sad.

Well, happy birthday -- right? That wasn't it either. In my attempts to avoid an empty apartment and not feeling particularly social tonight -- I walked to The Opera Theatre and took in a viewing of 51 BIRTCH STREET. This was an excellent low-fi documentary, but nothing all that amazing.

And, now I have about four hours to wait for B's return home. I miss him. I will close this rambling post with a quote from a 14 year old Courtney Love which she wrote on a form from a correctional facility for criminally-inclined girls (to which she never should have been sent) ...but was. ...for over two years after her wealthy parents essentially abandoned her for several years making her a ward of the state of Washington. The form offers some details as to why Love was punished to a quiet room for several days --- it would appear that it is abnormal for a person to get upsest that her bed is infested with bugs. Funny, that - eh? Anyway, here is what she wrote:

"Editorial: There is no such thing as girl love because all cool girls are competitive cunts, which is worth loving in itself. So it's okay. Just don't pretend it's otherwise! Celebrate the reality!"

...the things that we get through form us. I'm not sure it is true that they really make us stronger, but I do think they make us who we are. So, fight the power. Take back that night. And fight the good fight, my friends. You only get this ride. Make it worth the trip! ...and, now I take this turn as I head on to I-40 at an alarmingly unsafe speed!

2006-10-29T01:23:00.000-08:00

MATTY DOES YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

I thought I had spotted and tracked yak (or quite possibly a llama) while we were exploring the Yosemite National Park this weekend. However, I was told that the beast was actually a deer. Luckily, the mounty stopped me just before I was about to deal the final blow. Apparently, one can only club baby seals. One is not to ever club yaks, llamas, poodles or deer for any reason at any time. Well, you learn something new every day --- and my weekend at Yosemite was no exception!

And, one should only remove the pelt of a baby seal after it has been club'd to death. And, one should never attempt to remove the pelt of a live yak at no time. I guess it is considered even worse if the live yak turns out to be a living deer. It upsets park rangers and children alike. The mounty explained this to me as B paid him $500 to avoid my being shackled to a tree and beaten by a mob of angry tourists. That would not have been much fun.
...please do not feed, club or skin the yaks! It's the law!

I also learned that, should an angry bear appear and attempt to attack/eat you, all that need be done is to take an ordinary stove top pot and a frying pan, bang them together -- and the horrific monster of an animal will run away from you for dear life. Who knew? Tho, this is useless information for him now --- it would have been nice if that dude from GRIZZLY MAN had known this. I mean, he could have prevented that bear from eating both himself and his girlfriend. Sigh. So it goes.

I did see The Blair Witch. No matter how hard one tries, sometimes you just can't reach other people. I was unable to convince anyone else that the lady serving us behind the salad bar at the lodge was THE evil spirit better known in the Washington State Mountains, but she was! And, she seemed hellbent on stealing and eating Yosemite National Park children! But, I know what I know. I did my best to warn those around me. What more can a boy do?!?!?

I also noted how alarmingly similar some Yosemite trees are to human genitalia. I saw a pussy tree and a penis stick. And, much to the amusement of a Boy Scout team, B discovered a tit bush. A rather large tit bush I might add. Interestingly, these were all located along the lower Yosemite Falls trail. B did not see any mountain lions, but he did spot a large man seated behind an odd tree reading a big book.

We saw a couple of men climbing what appeared to be a large rock but I am fairly certain it was just a grizzles mountain with a waterfall. B explained to me that all mountains are really just rocks. I can hardly imagine Julie Andrews running about singing about that baby coming to life with the sound of music, but what do I know of mountains and wayward nuns? However, from what I was able to gather from B and The Blair Witch, the earth is actually just a big rock --- third one from the sun, in fact. But, B's brother pulled me aside and confirmed what I'd always suspected. You got it. The earth is actually a soft puff ball on the flea of a giant dog on Planet Nuko. I knew it all along. A, B's bro, asked me to keep this between just he and I but I feel the need to share this knowledge with you.

Oh, and I learned that when one is in full admiration of the majestic surroundings of Yosemite National Park it will not please everyone if you strip off your clothes and dance about your ode to nature. Apparently, going nude at Yosemite is not considered cool and gets you a ticket from which no amount of bribe offers or sexual favors will gain release. I learned this the hard way. I hope this helps those of you who might be so inspired. I also learned another valuable lesson: sometimes the beauty of nature will seem to create a feeling of warmth and goose bumps. Well, my friends, sometimes that feeling is just gas. And, well --- you guessed it. This mistake in understanding your emotions will generate a hefty fine and a series in stern lectures from park rangers and your boyfriend. However, I do feel that there needs to be a serious review of the rather prudish sex and hunting laws of the park.

Anyway, Yosemite is pretty. Just don't go clubbing the yaks, bothering The Blair Witch when she is busy entrancing children at the salad bar, or dance about naked. Mind these suggestions and you might have a good time. ...And learn a few things along the way! Oh, and watch out for that tourist with the thick Bavarian accent. She is trouble with a capital "T" --- I refuse to go into detail but let's just say that her sense of fun borders on the obscene and I, for one, was shocked!

It's good to be back home!
Kisses,
Matty

2006-10-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

CUDDLE UP or MATTY'S ILLNESS
OK. I am coming clean. I've recently discovered that I am --- well, it's hard to articulate. OK. (taking a deep breath and holding on to the sides of the wooden cube upon which my iBook rests) ---

My name is Matty and I'm addicted to the Captain & Tennille. (coughs) Thanks. Wow. You really clapped for that. Gee. Well, I guess I should be more clear about my sickness.

Specifically, I am addicted to their first two LP's (now all re-master'd to CD) and their ill-fated one season long ABC Television Series, THE CAPTAIN & TENNILLE which aired from 1976 to 1977. ...It came out on DVD this past Christmas and I secretly purchased the 3 DVD disc set. Wow. I feel so much better sharing this with you all. I feel like a big rock has been lifted from my shoulders.

What?

Yes, I think Tennille had an awesome voice too. No, I don't care for her Broadway and Big Band stuff so much. I prefer the fun Neil Sedaka/Beach Boys 70's vegetarian fare. I mean, how can you not sing along!?!? They were cool and had a lot more hits than Sonny & Cher! Oh, yes! I agree! I mean, they are still together! Love kept them that way! I know!

The Captain was kind of hot. ...if he kept that hat on -- well, I don't want to be too rude too soon at my first meeting. I am spoken for to a really hot guy. But, yeah. The Captain. I'd have done him.

Oh, yeah! "Muskrat Love" is a classic. It is not a guilty pleasure. Wait. It is? Well, color me guilty, Mister!

I guess it all started when I first heard them as an 8 year old kid. I had a poster, but my mom used it to explain how men and women fucked and that sort of ruined it for me. I took it down.

I know. But, you have to understand that being told to imagine The Captain getting Tennille all moist and ready was jut to much for an 8 year old to take.

No, I don't think that is why I am gay. I had the hots for the Captain back then. However, I was more keen on both Andy Gibb and John Travolta. But Kris Kristofferson was responsible for my first erection. And, of course, Robin Williams for my first ejaculation. But, you guys probably read all about that in my blog a while back.

What? Oh. Yeah. This is an anonymous support group.

Anyway, I can't seem to get enough of their music or bad TV show. It isn't so bad except I think the lady who was sitting next to me on MUNI this morning was annoyed by the happy sounds she could hear coming from my iPod headset. Yeah, me too. I play them loud. And, my boyfriend is really not enjoying the fact that I've sort of forced him to sit thru 7 of the 12 episodes of the show. No, I don't think he realizes about the third disc filled with extras.

Maybe I should turn back to weed and downers. No, you're right. For now, it is OK. I've admitted the problem. I've declared it. Anyone want to dance to "Shop Around" ????? Really? Cool!

Sock hop! OK. You're right. We don't want to enable. Well, thanks for the space to share. Do we really have to do that? I mean, join hands and say an affirmation. Seems a bit cultish. No, it's cool. OK. Um, is that supposed to be there? Oh, I see. Can you wash your hands? What? Never mind. Take my hand. We're on this road together. Amen!

2006-10-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS OLD JOY?

In the new film from Kelly Reichardt, two men seem to be trying to re-connect as old pals on a rather sad camping trip. The two old friends are played with quiet hurt by Daniel London and Bonnie Prince Billy (aka Will Oldham) An oddly unsettling film which is haunting me. At the film's climax --- one of the men tells of a dream in which a woman comforts him by explaining that sorrow is nothing but worn out joy.

There have been several American films this year that have been about characters in desperate need to connect to others. The simplicity of this film touched me and seemed to be unique to an American issue. Living in a culture that teaches us that we are promised so much but which ends up actually offering so little unless you are the right color or have been born into the right amount of money.

...the final realization that the American Dream was never anything more than just that and the sad realization that many fail to grasp the real purpose of life. Is that purpose to connect? And, if worn out joy is sorrow --- what is old joy?

2006-10-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

OF KILLING RATS, DOWN SYNDROME'D THESPIANS & ART @ THE CASTRO THEATRE

The fine art of killing rats, burns, the torture of snails, the oppressive nature of Shirley Temple and the fact that one thing is not like another all came together last night when Ing treated me and B to an incredible evening at San Francisco's Castro Theatre. After a lovely serenade from the historic organ we were treated to an indepth slide show and reading from the Infamous Crispin Glover. He read from the books he "wrote" back in the 80's and early 90's --- he read from 8 of these books, I believe. It was quite funny and absurd. The best part of the reading was from his most famous book -- the one about rat killing. A real movie star despite what he might want us to believe -- Mr. Glover filled the tiny stage in front of the huge screen at The Castro and held a sold out audience at full attention as he read. I think all three of us agreed that Crispin Glover is quite hot. However, I think all three of us might view his hotness in different ways. I see him as a rather dapper kink-meister of some potential. I believe Ing sees him as handsome and I think B sees him as quite hot. As he is straight, Ing is the only one of the three who had a shot. She was on a dare last night to ask Mr. Glover for a date. Sadly, a quick Internet search revealed that he is engaged to a surprisingly Hollywood startlett-ie type actress. But, she had composed a really cool little note which she intended to hand to Mr. Glover. Something held Ing back from doing this. I am not sure what. However, it could have something to do with the film he has devoted five years of his life to creating.

The film is called WHAT IS IT? and we saw it in all of its glory followed by a VERY lengthy question/answer session after the screening. Humble, intelligent and open --- Crispin Glover patiently answered a number of lame questions about whether or not he felt his film exploited his actors (most of whom are Down Syndrome adults) --- I write "lame" because if one actually watches the film it is impossible to miss the fact that he is not exploiting his actors at all. If anything, he may be the first filmmaker to actually treat the topic of "special people" with something that has been seriously lacking: reality. They are people. In Glover's film they are acting in a surreal world of oppression and fascism but they are given the opportunity to function as adults with human feelings. No goose bumps or silly line readings about needing hugs, cookies and giggles. No, kids -- this isn't an ABC 1970's After-School Special or a spoof of one. This is a true art film inspired by the likes of Werner Herzog, Fassbinder and Bunuel. It was an amazing film intent on making the audience uncomfortable and a bit disoriented. My only criticism is the use of music by The Charles Manson Family and the cruel depiction of snail killing. I would have liked the film to better represent why this was being done so much. I'm not a lazy thinker but I did find some of the symbology a bit muddy and confused.

Anyway, it crossed my mind that Ing might not want to date someone who would create such nightmarish worlds. So, she didn't act on the dare. She showed us the note. I loved it. And, if she had given it to him, I am certain he would have contacted her. I asked her if I could have it so that I might share some of it with the few people who read my bit of space. She gave it to me. Now, some hours later, I don't think I want to share it with you. It seems too private. So, I have scanned the outside of it and it now lives safely in my memory box. A box which brims over with things from my past that matter to me. Ing matters to me and I love the little note she wrote to Crispin Glover.

Yeah, this was a night to remember.

2006-10-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

TROUBLE AT THE DISCO DESK...

Now, I encounter a wide variety of people in my job. Actually, that is not true. I encounter a lot of gay men in my job. Most of them are hot and wealthy. I also encounter a number of really incredible looking women. Above all, the people I meet are fun and interesting. And, the people for whom I work are fun. And, everyone is gorgeous. I love my job! I don't always feel like I fit in, but I love it.

Anyway, it is sort of a perfect little place where things smell good and the music never stops. I should know. It is part of my job to keep the music playing. However, sometimes things happen that rattle the hearts and souls of those of us operating in the glittery world of disco and medicine. It is a serious science, but it is made fun. And, it is art in many ways. Today, tho, a lost soul wandered into our lair and it was a bit worrying.

Today someone banged on our lobby door. Odd, that. The door is unlocked and is glass. I saw a disgruntled-looking lady. She was wearing a dirty pants suit. Vintage. I am guessing from circa 1977. Our eyes met. She kicked the door again. Yes, she kicked the door because her hands were otherwise occupied. She was wearing those ugly orange kitchen cleaning gloves. In one hand she held a soiled brown bag that was from "Sam's Happy DoNuts!" (note: I've changed the name of the do-nut shop to protect the innocent) --- but, the really strange thing was what was in her other orange-gloved hand. Yes, in that other hand she held a clear plastic bag containing a stool specimen. I imagine that the specimen was her own. You see, there is a gasto-intestinal medical office on our floor.

I took a deep breath and walked to the door. I opened it. She smelled sort of like beer nuts. The following exchange took place:

"May I help you?"

"Yerrrr muuuzic is too loud"

"I'm sorry"

"I've got freeee fillings that need to be feeeeeled today. I wont 'em done now" (I should mention that she had no front teeth)

"Um, no. We do not accept walk-in patients"

"'Scuse youuuuu?"

a beat of a pause --- and then loudly and with slow and strong emphasis on each word

"WE DO NOT ACCEPT PATIENTS WITHOUT APPOINTMENT. WE ARE UNABLE TO HELP YOU."

She shrugged. Moved her do-nut bag into the same hand as her stool specimen and limped away. I shuddered and returned to the safety of Goldfrapp and my pretty desk.

...donuts, disco and shit. Sometimes it all comes together. Luckily, no one noticed. Only one person noticed the sound of the banging. I took care of it. I'm no hero. It's just my job.

2006-10-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

THE DINNER CLUB
...The Sequel That Must Happen!
I've been thinking about this long and hard. I feel it is time to share the idea/concept with 80's Cinematic Wonder, John Hughes. However, I've no way of actually contacting him. So, I feel it best to share with you, my dear friends! So, we all know that they met just once but it changed their lives forever. ...and it gave pop culture The Brat Pack! Well, the Brat Pack kids are all pushing 40 and are in dire need of work. So, in addition to providing us with possible entertainment we would be putting Ally, Judd, Emilio, Michael and Molly back to work on the big screen. Yes, kids. I propose a sequel to THE BREAKFAST CLUB. It's been almost 22 years.
The time has come.

I present my suggestion in the form of a pseudo-outline-outline. Certainly there is room for tweaking and improvements. And, we have to remember -- this film will be aimed at the 34 to 44 year old demographic that made this film a hit back in the day. Further, I suggest we search thru the discarded tracks of Simple Minds circa 1983 and pick one to be the theme song. Or, maybe have Mary J. Blige and Missy E do a new cover of the old "Don't You Forget About Me Song" ---- but, I'm getting ahead of myself. Here is my outline for THE DINNER CLUB --- yes, they are meeting once more -- 23 years later!!!

Andy has been serving as the coach at Shermer high school. He is still kind of hot, but carries a bit more weight than one expect. Principal Vernon has died -- which makes it easier since the actor who originally played him died last year. Anyway, this serves as the catalyst to get everyone together for dinner. As it turns out Claire has stayed quite close to Allison (who has become a top Chicago lawyer and remains pals with Andy and his wife!) ...But, Claire moved away to Connecticut when she was accepted to Yale University. She married her lit professor and the marriage has just ended in a very ugly divorce. Allison wants to comfort poor Claire. However, Claire becomes interested in the reunion when she finds out that Andy was able to locate Brian (a very successful computer programmer in California) --- and Brian (of all people!) has stayed in touch with John Bender!!! And, John, has agreed to meet up with everyone for dinner the night before Principal Vernon's funeral. The goal -- to compose a note for Vernon that one of the Breakfast Club will leave in his casket. Claire immediately hopes to rekindle the romance with John that never was!

Everyone but Brian and John arrive at the expensive restaurant first. Much catching up and surprisingly little has changed. Essentially this will be The Breakfast Club at forty. Claire, Andy and Allison all discuss just how gay Brian must be by now. Andy whispers that he sounds really "faggy" on the phone but is totally loaded! Much teasing to Allison who is quite wealthy herself but still hopelessly single. ...Sadly, we discover she just bought a cat. The cat's name is Oliver. Turns out Andy still wants to poke her. ...And, he will mid-way thru the film but both will agree it is a one time thing. This will be dealt with during the group therapy scene and it will sort of make you want to cry but not before Brian makes you (and the rest of the cast) laugh.

Claire no longer speaks to her family and is contemplating plastic surgery. Her husband left her for a hot young student....just like she used to be. To make herself feel better, Claire dresses like a real slut. As it turns out there was a bit of a pudgy girl in there after all. This will all be addressed during the mandatory group therapy scene. She will cry and kick someone. John is the most likely target. Allison tells Andy of Claire's desire to get it on with John. Turns out John has done quite well for himself in Arizona where he started his own landscaping business. John? Who knew?

John and Brian arrive. Brian, no longer the geek, is handsome, thin and in-shape. He is married with 4 children. There is a great deal of build up regarding John and Claire but we soon discover that John is in a very happy 12 year relationship. ...with another man. Brian lets this cat out of the bag. Claire is crushed. But, all takes a turn for the comic and edgy ways of the original film when John breaks out a bag of Tina --- and the whole crew does a bit of meth.

Like the magic weed of 1985 -- the meth gives our team incredible powers which lead to dancing thru the stuffy restaurant, highjinx in the kitchen and Andy manages to break all the wine glasses at the bar when he lets out a drug induced cry that he loves everyone. In a moment of confusion John and Claire make out. John reveals he still has the earring she gave him years back. But, it is no use. John is queer and married to Billy back in Arizona. Claire and Allison began to sing "Johnny, Are You Queer?" to Mr. Bender who blushes but enjoys the attention. Group therapy soon comes up with everyone confessing their darkest fears and secrets. But, all ends well. Demi Moore and Rob Lowe show up in cameos as wait staff. The film ends with Brian reading the note which Bender and Claire have slipped into Vernon's lapel while the rest wait in the funeral home parking lot.

I don't know about you all, but I think this has hit written all over it! Come on! Let's bring The Brat Pack back!!!!

...maybe Goldfrapp can re-record "Don't You Forget About Me" for the film. Hmmmmm...

John Hughes? Can you hear me?????

2006-10-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

...DON'T LOOK NOW

It is interesting -- the things we survive as we make our way through life. In fact, it is a bit amazing. It seems that some of the most horrific, difficult and unimaginable might leave some residue on our souls --- cause a bit of damage. Harm. Scars.

And yet, there is a certain strength to be gained for getting through these horrors of life. Horrors normally caused by another soul who was already damaged in some hideous way. Or, souls.

That old cliche of a saying -- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

It is also of interest that it can be a rather minor or simple act which can make all the difference. Rather, that can potentially break us. It doesn't always have to be inflicted out of malice or be all that horrible from a safe distance. It can be an accident or even some self-infliction we may not even realize we have caused.

So, we travel our lives never knowing what might come next. Or, how what is headed in our path might end up impacting the journeys or our souls.

It is interesting what we can survive and what can destroy us. To go through so much and then to simply slip on a slick bump in the pavement --- and not survive that little fall. It is interesting.

...And, it is quite sad.

I am thinking of someone tonight. A brave soul who won so many battles, fought to survive through so much evil and then lost when a shoe didn't quite fit. I think of this person and send love. I am sure this soul has taken flight to some other journey far more exciting than the one offered on this wave of existence.

Maybe it isn't quite so sad after all. Maybe it is just the way of things. The way of life.

...the way we go.

2006-10-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

UNEXPECTED DAZE

The day should have been a good one. The office was closed. He only had to go in for a few hours. He was able to sleep later than usual for a Friday morning. And, he slept next to the amazing man with whom he was starting a life. As he left the apartment he was expecting to find an extra bit of energy in his step, but as he stepped out into the cool morning he found his step sluggish. True, he knew he might be catching that bug that had been nagging at several people in his life but he knew he could rise above that.

As he sat at the office running through the few chores which needed to be done before his half day ended he found his patience with the customers wearing thin. Being alone in the office should have been fun. He had his music blaring and sat at the PC which he preferred to his own. Yet, nothing felt right.

His stomach felt so empty. He had forgotten to eat breakfast. He took a break from his break and walked over to the diner down the block. He ordered a cheese omelet and a Diet Coke. He ate it and returned to the empty office and pushed on through the work. He was sluggish and tired.

He was thankful for so much. His life was finally taking form again. He is in love. He continue to have profound friendships that bring life such meaning. His finances are not good but they are getting better. As the half day came to a close he thought of what he might do as he killed the time between then and when his love came home. He could go to the piers, have a pretzel, listen to the water and watch the tourists milling about. Or, he could try to take in a movie. He could window shop. He could go home and read.

As he locked the office door he realized he didn't feel so great. Not so much sick as just tired. He took the long way home with iPod on low. He had half a slice of pizza and read some of the NY Times which only bummed him out more. The city was covered in that sort of haze that comes to San Francisco before rainy season starts. Not exactly cold but not at all warm. Not going to rain but certainly not going to sun --- this wasn't so much fog as a dreary day wanting for rain but not getting any.

He came home. Cleaned the kitchen. Organized his papers which had been sitting in a neat stack since he moved in. He listened to Bonnie Prince Billy which seemed to fit the mood of the day. His audio costume for the day.

He wanted a cigarette but managed to fight the urge. He sat on the fire escape and started counting the moments till his love would come home. He was longing to touch his lover's lips with his own. He knew that this would not turn this unexpected bummer of a day around. However, he did know that it would make all the difference.

Like the annoying little girl in the curly red wig sang, the sun will come out tomorrow. It's cool, but a bit cold at the moment. As he looked at the neighbor's suspicious Buddha below he thought of the pictures his mother drew last summer and mailed to him in a somewhat random fashion. They would arrive in an envelope with post notes saying things like, "Love you. Mom" or "Just thinking of you. Mom" ---- He loved these pictures. None of them made much sense but he enjoyed the odd formation of communication from his mother which has since stopped.

And, for the first time all day, he smiled.

Just forty-five more minutes till his love comes home. He can't wait but he knew he would have to anyway.

2006-10-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

AMY SEDARIS LIKES ME!

It is always fun when a friend offers you a housewarming gift. Ing gave me one of the nicest I've ever received when she presented B & me with the awe-inspiring antlers. ...So cool. So decadent. So very Goldfrapp. Anyway, imagine my surprise when she presented us with a SECOND gift -- the new coffee table book of receipes (sp????), party hosting tips and arts-n-crafts by Amy Sedaris!!! Yay! It opens with three letters in which the reader must insert his/her name. I inserted mine and discovered that Ms. Sedaris likes me. I mean, she really likes me. I've read some of the book to B, who hasn't been feeling well. We're getting many laughs and learning quite a lot from Amy. Essentially, this book is designed to bring back the seemingly lost art of entertaining friends and allowing friends to entertain you. As Sedaris notes, her methods may not be traditional, expected or even legal -- but they work!! It is filled with yummy looking foods and ideas. I highly recommend it! And, the pictures are great! My fave shot is of Amy posed elegantly as if stuck in the year 1960 --- with a bong in her hand. Pure magic! And, the brownies look really good. She also offers tips for choosing the appropriate hair cut to fit your head and neck as well as well planned creative ideas for panty hose. I think Amy Sedaris may have a small fetish for panty hose and I'm not sure I understand her self-designed tampons but this is a must have book!

Last night was the US premiere of the Korean horror film, THE HOST, at the San Francisco MOMA. B got us, Ing and Alan tickets! So we all met at the SF MOMA, had some goodies at their cafe and made our way to the sold out showing. After sitting thru a somewhat dull slide show presentation by the special effects team which is based here in SF --- the film was screened. Like most (if not all) Korean films it was about 30 minutes too long but it was also filled with humor, interesting moments and much fun horror! This was played as a part of the SF Animation Festival. We were all a bit thrown off by the idea that the computer generated creature really made the film animated --- but it was much fun. Ing screamed more than a few times. B and Alan both jumped out of their skins a couple of times. I was just very much amused. This was quite a departure from the last film I saw by Bong Joon-ho. That was MEMORIES OF MURDER which followed the true story of Korea's first recorded serial killer. It was both disturbing and funny. I was thinking that it was an old film but I just realized that I am totally stupid and that it came out in 2002 or something. Oh well. If you get a chance to see THE HOST --- I say -- see it! Creepy stuff -- and lots of fun! ...sort of like the new book by Amy Sedaris.

Watch the Korean preview!

2006-10-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

UK ENVY

It is no secret that I dream of living in the UK -- as a matter of fact, I dream of simply visiting it. I've a feeling I will feel instantly at home there. Of course, I come from a long line of British white trash on both sides. I believe that my father's family name was "Stansfield" at some point and the "s" was drop'd upon the move to The States --- Texas. My mom's family name was "Seaman" ...go ahead. You can laugh. I do. Anyway, that name is so classic it was kept and my mother's brother and his male children were ridiculed for years because of that name. Anyway, they took the name to Louisiana. But, by the time my parents met England was longggggg gone from our culture. However, the white trash aspect remained.

But, aside from everything I love about the UK -- I really love the comedy. I love Brit-coms! AbFab and League of Gentleman were the best thing to happen to TV since Mary Tyler Moore and Mary Hartman Mary Hartman. And, a couple of years ago we were given Nighty Night!

Thank goodness for my region free DVD! ...Tho, I am sure it will be a good six months before I can see it. Sadness.

BUT, I am sooooooo very jealous right now because something very exciting will be airing on the BBC next week. Yes, Julia "Jill" Davis and Mark "Glen" Gatiss are staring in a TV film of the life of Fanny Craddock and her hubby, Johnnie!!! The name of the film is FEAR OF FANNY!!!! It promises to be so very funny and sick. I mean, these two actors know no limits when it comes to a laugh. Fanny Craddock was very scary and rather surreal. She is long dead but still makes Martha Stewart look sweet.

She terrorized her husband and taught the UK to dye all food and to create the ugliest gastronomical creations possible. I wonder how many families had to deal with her culinary horrors as their moms thought they were being fancy. Anyway, if you've seen NIGHTY NIGHT or HUMAN REMAINS --- I am sure you can imagine how great this film promises to be!

I hope those of you in the UK will update me on how magical the film is!!! I am most jealous!!! I wanna be in England. ...for TV shows. I wish I could tell you it was for something more important but Goldfrapp is there, too. So, it wouldn't just be for TV and I would never adapt a silly faux accent like Madonna.

sigh....

2006-10-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

FURTHER CINIMATIC ADVENTURES WITH ING!!!

Look! This was Ing's house warming gift for me & B!!!! Isn't it way cool?!?!? And, I LOVE the way B "framed" it. I plan to douse it all in glitter and sort of further Goldfrapp it soon. I love this object o' art!!! Just wanted to share the beauty of it with ya! Are these antlers real you might be asking. Hmmmm... Only Ing knows for sure and I don't think she is telling.

Before I share a bit of an upcoming cinematic adventure with the Magical Ingrid, I will tell you that B and I finally saw the new film from John Cameron Mitchell, SHORT BUS. B loved it immediately. I had to think about it and am now dying to see it again to absorb it a bit more. It most definitely made me think and offered some challenges. I think I loved it. However, my goal is to talk Ing into seeing it with me this Wednesday night. I really want to see it again and get her perspective. And, I would like yours. So, if you've seen it --- please share your thoughts. I remember back in 2001 when John Cameron Mitchell announced that he was going to be making a porn film with true plot/character development and non-professional actors. He set up a website and requested that anyone who could be in NY to make a movie send in tapes that would include graphic feats of sexuality. I thought he was nuts. Last year, a friend of mine saw the finished product at Sundance and told me it was an amazing film. This same friend told me that JCM had told him that his goal was to make a film that would make one both come and cry. Hmmmm......one of my fave moments from a string of powerful moments in SHORT BUS.

Well, the film did not make me come or cry. However, it did touch me. And, I think I saw a bit of myself in the main character. ...and, also in a few of the others. I have mixed feelings about the mainstreaming of the porn-ethic. To me, once porn becomes something that we can all see at the mall it will lose a great deal of what it is meant to be.

However, SHORT BUS is not an art house porn film. It is an art house film about humanity. Specifically, the United States human animal. And there can be no truly meaningful study of human nature without serious mediation on sex, war, food and culture. SHORT BUS is focused on human need for connection to itself and to others. Sex is more than getting off. If you didn't know that you really should be on a short bus. I know that this film is not likely to secure screenings in the Red States or small town America. However, if you live near a large city or are in Canada/UK/France -- you should most definitely check it out. Yes, the sex is real and it is graphic. But, it is on the screen for a reason. His new film works. And, I think, he may have created an important cinematic work. See it. I dare you.

A week from Thursday B and I are joining Ing for an on-stage performance by Crispin Glover at The Castro Theatre to be followed by a screening of his long-delayed film, WHAT IS IT? ...I fear Ing and I will be horrified by what we see but we are both compelled to see it. It will most definitely be a cinematic adventure. And, how often does one get to see Crispin in the flesh reading from his books?!?!?
Also, is it me or isn't he oddly sexy??!?!?! How many of you remember "Clowney Clown Clown" ???? Ah, gotta love Mr. Glover!

Here a sneak peak of his "little" movie:

2006-10-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

AS THE FAG TURNS...

While depositing my sad little pay check I had a bit of a wait in line. A long wait. Out of boredom I decided to look up at the bank monitor which normally screens CNN. I was surprised to discover something very different on the screen. I'm not sure what the following experience says about me but I shall share it with you because it amused me. Instead of the pancake made-up CNN anchors informing me of never-ending tragedies from the bank monitor there were three rather gay looking guys/actors doing their very best to act macho in some scene with a sports car in a garage. All three were wearing those flimsy worksuits and all three had their chests exposed. At this point, I thought to myself:

"This is too funny. How will they work in blowjobs and fuck scenes?!?!?"

Then, I thought, "Is the bank screening gay porn now? I mean, this is San Francisco but this might be a bit much. Gay porn in the bank. What is next?"

But, I simply watched as these fancy boys acted as macho as their little pecs would allow and thought, "This can't be a Chi-Chi LaRue production or Bel Ami product. The camera work sucks and the lighting is far too dark. The music is odd for a porn. What porn company made this? When will the sex start? This sucks ---"

...And, then, the picture of the three "straight-acting" actors faded to black and a voice from the monitor informed me that this was The Days Of Our Lives. This wasn't gay porn. This was a soap opera which looked like gay porn in the making.

Oy.

So, B smokes. A lot. And, my best friend, Ms. Ing had recently began smoking. I smoked for over a decade when I was a kid and stopped in 1987 or so. It is hard to live and love a smoker and to be pals with a smoker when you don't smoke but really want to --- so about two weeks ago I was feeling a bit stressed. I know that both B and Ing like their cigs because they seem to need them to deal with stress. So, I cop'd a ciggie out of B's pack and lit up. I stepped out on to our fire escape and took it in. It was pure bliss. I began to crave my old brand of Salem --- I loved Salem. I loved it because of that cool burn of Menthol. I immediately ran out and bought a pack. The packaging had changed but it was still the same classic cig. ...just look! Free, cool, relaxed, sexy and breezy. I mean - what's a bit of cancer?!?!? I've heard Iron Lungs can be fun!

Then, the protests started. Both B and Ing were upset that I was smoking. For some reason it was OK that they smoked but I should not. Now, B used the stance of "Do as I say and not as I do" -- this approach will not work with me. But, it was Ing who managed to convince me to toss out my pack after only 3 days of smoking nirvana. She told me that she had quit and this meant that I had to as well. She would not have us both smoking. So that worked. But, she slipped up the other night. I want to slip up. And, now, some friends of mine have decided that they enjoy smoking every other day at lunch time. What makes this really annoying is that these friends of mine do not know how to smoke. So, when I am sitting near them and they light up there is an incredible amount of smoke as they do not know how to properly inhale. So, I am forced to sit in a smog of warm smoke that seems to be calling me to it like a siren in heat. Thank goodness these friends of mine don't smoke weed. That would be a waste.

Anyway, I will continue to fight the urge to smoke. I sure wish B and Ing would just quit already. It ain't easy. B smokes Camels -- the cigs of death and Ing smokes (when she falls off the wagon) some no name brand with a Native American on the carton. Sigh.

2006-10-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!
Please take note of that odd hole punched in my old driver's license from the state of Massachusetts! It is there because it is no longer valid. Yes, I am now a complete and total citizen of California and am licensed driver AND voter in this state of sunshine and this City By The Bay filled with fog! My low beams are on! True, I am quite possibly the World's Worst Driver and have no plans of driving much but I didn't want to lose my ability to drive if I should want to do so! When I was living in Salem, MA I had a car. I had 4 wrecks in one month. In my defense, only 3 of those wrecks were my fault. Anyway, I passed my test today and will be receiving my new license in the mail soon.

...You think the picture from MA is bad -- you should see the new CA one. I look like a human about to morph into a Muppet. And, for some reason, I tilted my head to the left and looked past the DMV camera up to right. You know. As if I had been posed by some lame Sears portrait photographer waiting for her lunch break. Go figure. Still, I can continue to drive if anyone will loan me his/her car. I don't think B is likely to let me drive his pretty Honda Element -- but, quite honestly, I don't want to drive it. I wonder if Ing will let me drive her car sometime. Hmmmm...

So, the test was filled with questions which I felt were sort of tricky. For instance, I didn't know how much or how old a kid should be to require a child harness. ....In the state of California that would be 5 years old and 55 lbs. I also thought it was cool to have .08% blood alcohol concentration. It is not. I thought .10% was not cool. It is, apparently, pretty cold at that point. Oh, and I guess you have to break for the elderly when they cross the street. (just kidding)

I chatted with the lady who graded my test. She was sweet.

There were some interesting souls at the DMV today. There are a lot of interesting souls in San Francisco but a good number of them were at the DMV today. I was in line behind this cute girl of about 45 who had really interesting hair. Her name was "Margaret" but she was changing it to "Summer Dove Breeze" --- the guy at the desk didn't seem at all phased. She handed her info/papers to him and I do believe she will be Summer Dove Breeze within 60 days. She is an artiste.

I'm meeting up with Ing to see a movie at The Castro about Filipino transgender'd folks in Isreal living with Hasidic Jews. Should be interesting. I wonder what sort of adventurous trouble Ing and I will get into tonight! Hmmmmm....

2006-09-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

DUMBER THAN A CAN OF HAIR

I like to think of myself as quite intelligent. I am able to process a good many ideas and express opinion/thought on a number of topics (excluding sports) --- However, if you know me. And, really, you should. I can be somewhat --- well, absent minded. I am the person who can dismantle a film or a book or a philosophy and offer up various essays on what the art means. I am also the person who can mediate between two disgruntled people. I am the person who can creatively come up with solutions to hard to solve problems (excluding sport strategy) ...I am also the person who will ask you if you know where I left my hat and be reminded that I am wearing it. I am the person who gets lost. ...in his own home. I am the person who buys the proto-cylo of popcorn which is impossible for a village to consume because it is only fifty cents more than the regular-one-person-size popcorn --- and I will then complain about it for an hour or feel the need to explain why I paid for such a large amount of popcorn which I have to discard upon exiting the cinema. And, I am the one who of how to spell "decide" or "receipt"

...the other day someone teased me after I had made a really stupid error. This person said, "You know, when you get down to it Matty is dumber than a can of hair."

This really made me laugh and I wish I could make claim to having had even made up the concept of a can of hair. Which, we all know, would be quite dumb indeed. I mean, can there be anything dumber than a can of hair (excluding the Landers Sisters of course)

This is a picture of me taken during my fumbled and confused senior year of high school. I was a mess. At the time my plan was to meet "Ginger" at the Greyhound bus station in Beaumont, Texas the day after graduation with my most fave things in a zipp'd up travel bag. We were going to get a one way ticket to Manhattan. She was going to become a serious actress and I was aspiring to be a comic. I fell out of bed after a night of stoned confusion where "Betty" and I ended up spending over an hour stuck in one of those car wash things -- I kept just missing the mark and having to put it in reverse. Too out of fit to drive into a car wash garage -- I opted to finally just reverse out. This ended up banging my poor car into all manner of things. And, after landing halfway in a ditch -- "Betty" and I giggled for a quite a while when we realized that the 5 minutes spent attempting to drive thru the car wash machine had actually been 40 minutes -- after we stopped laughing, "Betty" got annoyed that we had filled my tank to get the excitement of driving thru the car wash and hadn't been able to do so she stormed to the cashier's box to demand a refund. ...And, promptly walked directly into the booth before she could say anything. I think she thought there was a door there. Anyway, I remember pulling her up and back into the car. We slept a few hours in the parking lot at Denny's. I got home with a massive headache at about 5am. I made my way to Greyhound at about 11AM. "Ginger" showed up half an hour later in her full McDonald's costumary. Thru heavy tears she told me she couldn't do it and that I should just go without her. I thought about it. But, I ended up calling "Betty" and "Betty" told me that I had to go to university with her and that I would be majoring in English. I would teach and all would be happy, I did as "Betty" instructed but opted out of teaching when I discovered that the Powers That Be'd in Texas wanted me to discipline kids and not teach them. And, I hate the silly rules of grammar. I know them. I simply choose to reject them. Not good for a teacher. And no one liked my idea of using Hip Hop to get to some of the kids. That was shot down.

At this time I also believed that there was a chemical, a person and a job that would provide me with what I felt I really needed: 24 hour/365 days a year of absolute bliss. I just knew that could be mine if I searched hard enough. I remember also thinking that the only two people on the planet we could really trust and respect were Woody Allen and Yoko Ono. See? In many ways I've always been dumber than a can of hair. Fast forward some 23 years later from my 17 year old self and I know this all to be quite silly. However, a part of me still pretends than a purchase can make my day or an extra bit of chocolate can save a bad moment -- but I am much more grounded now. I am in love. I have a couple of GREAT friends. Life is good.

And, tho I may not always be able to find my way to the kitchen if I am fast in thought --- I am quite intelligent. This is a picture of me in my standard uniform at the age of 9.

Oh, and from my 423 Reasons I Love Living in San Francisco: Reason # 117: I love that my waiter is a guy who wears a leather skirt, a form-fitted shirt imprinted with a silk screened black and white photo of hairy balls and semi erect penis, has his nose, ears, forehead and other things pierced and is apt to pat me on the back and chat with me before taking my order. Love that. And, I suspect I will only find that here in lovely San Francisco! I figure that there is no better city for person who wore Barbra Streisand on his tshirts when he was 9 years old. Sort of fitting, don't ya think?

If you've noticed me missing from Blog Land -- I've been working hard at moving all my stuff in with B. We've taken the Big Plunge. It is very exciting and fun. It is also a bit scary and stress-inducing. But, I should be getting settled in by mid week. I'll be catching up on my blogging soon! Kisses!

2006-09-25T18:13:00.000-07:00

POUNDING SAND...

I'm not sure I understand why I love the beach so much. I can't quite figure it out, but I know that I am happier than than I am at a movie. And, that my friends, is saying an awful lot! I love the sound of the water rushing to the shore. I love the scents and the way they mix together. I love the way the sky seems to cut into the almost reflecting it back up to the heavens. The way the water seems to go out forever. The feeling of calm that comes over me as I sit on the sand with my toes mingling with the sparkling grains and the breeze kissing my face. So, yeah. I guess I understand what I love about it but I am still not entirely sure I understand why I love it so. It doesn't offer the same avenue of escape from my thoughts which the cinema brings. In fact, I find I do some very serious thinking when I am on the beach.

Here, in Northern California, it is far too cold to swim --- unless you're wearing one of those black rubber suits. But, then the sharks often mistake you for a seal. They will attempt to eat you. So, I am afraid to wear one of those thermal suits. And, even more than this, I have an irrational fear of being mistaken for a baby seal and being clubbed to death. No. I don't want to end up yet another statistic on the GreenPeace website. But, I digress.

Here, in Northern California, on our beaches there is an over abundance of driftwood. And, I love the way the nude sunbathers and other beach-goers turn these washed up bits of wood into little huts to offer shade from the sun and wind. Even more so, I love the way so many people use the driftwood to create random objects of art. Left behind -- these little creations are both lovely and somehow sad.

I will often spot such an object a good mile or so away and will make my way toward it slowly. These works seem to change form as I approach and they seem to leave something of the people who transformed them and offer up something for you to bring as you look at it. ...And, out to the long stretch of sea in front of it. This is art in a very pure and even pre-civilization form. I love that. This was one of those driftwood formations that I wish I could just snatch up and take home. But, the thing is --- the beauty and power only works on the beach. And it is very fleeting. This little sculpture was probably blown or washed away by night fall. Here, it is captured for you to see. A moment in time on the beach.

Yesterday, as I sat thinking about the beach, worrying about being clubbed for my pelt and contemplating the natural art all around me --- B and his brother (who was visiting from Canada) started talking quietly. They began to collect driftwood and seemed to be working toward constructing something. I heard them discuss the building of a fort. I also thought I heard them discuss building something really cool. In the end, this was my lover and his brothers' way of bonding and playing on the beach. Like two men changed to children they began to work together. A was balancing wood. B was digging deep into the sand. They were lost in their fun. I sat trying not to appear too interested. I didn't want to get in the way of their time together and I was loving the experience of watching them. In the end, what was so interesting to me was what they wound up creating: a single post of wood standing erect in the sand. Sort of like a sign post to mark the fact that B&A had come, conquered and put there name on the map of St Gregorio Beach. There was a certain simplicity to it that I loved. I asked them to pose with it. After I snapped the picture, B decided it best to knock the post down for fear that a small child might get harmed if it should fall over for some reason. I was sad to see him knock it down but pleased that he would so worry about someone being harmed by their fun.

Who knows why I love the beach as much as I do. In the end I guess it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that it brings me great joy. Oh, and that no one mistook me for a baby seal.

(this is one of my favorite pictures of B. I think he was really quite happy on that beach, too.)

2006-09-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

WATCH THIS...

2006-09-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS FROM MY NOTEBOOK
...There is a lot going on right now. It's all great and exciting stuff but that isn't to say that there are not more than a few stressors at play. I am moving in with B. It's a big deal for both of us. We are pushing past the barriers that our past relationships have created and are jumping off into the arms of love. I think we will both be caught or I wouldn't be doing it, but I think B and I are both a tiny bit "freaked out" --- Particularly B who is now trying to refer to "his place" as "our place" ---- And, one can't forget that he is an architect of some forces and a designer/artist. So, over the course of the next week our home will soon had the addition of all my full-on color pop art and stuff. Anyway, it's all good -- as they are prone to say in sunny California. But, I find my creative juices are somewhat dry. However, I've been following the advice of Ing and have been recording just about all of my thoughts and observations.

The problem is that these little scribbles are much like my writing always seems to be: odd, disjointed and somehow confusing. Welcome to my mind. I do find it fun to constantly be pulling out my way cool little book and scribing my ideas/thoughts/observations. This is much different than a journal.

Anyway, here are some of my recent "notes" of life...

"Idea re: 'over-heard conversations' which are actually conversations I have just had or have heard -- ongoing...

'I like to take it deep and work my tongue around it'
you don't worry about him coming in your mouth?'
'No. I like that.'
'But, is that safe?'
'What's safe anyway? It's not like I'm gonna let him pop his load if I've got a gashing wound in my mouth'
'Oh. Wait. Shhhhh. Hi Erin.'
'Hi'
'How long were you there?'
'Sorry, I was listening in. You know what me and my boyfriend like?'
'What?'
'When I take this old serrated kitchen knife out and run it across his cock till he comes. Drives us both crazy. We love it.'
'A knife?'
'Yeah, you should both try it! Oh, gotta get back there! Later!'
pause
'Erin is a freak.'
'Yep. Issues.'

'I wonder if there is a fetish around socklets. Seems like there should be.'

'There are four people sitting on a blanket in Golden Gate Park eating. I guess it is a picnic. I don't get this concept. Is that supposed to be fun? Most worrying'

'Lounge singers need more work. Maybe that is why radio stations still use cheesy jingles --- hits coast to coast! 92.5 FM'

'You know, I've never even known a sex worker. Kind of interesting to be involved with someone who was a sex worker.'
'What do you mean?'
'Well, you were a sex worker for a while back in the early 90's.'
'I was? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess I was.'
(according to the on line dictionary I was a sex worker. ok. whatever)

'You're such a cute young thing!'
'But, I thought you said I was a hot hard rubber thing last week."
'Oh, honey -- you were and you still are!'

'The same old lady is always on the same corner every work day starting at 7am and is still there at 3pm. She has been setting up shop like this for over six months now. She sells beads which she must have strung into necklaces. They are so ugly. No one ever seems to stop by her tiny table. She always looks so sad. However, for the past couple of weeks an old man has been sitting with her. They do not appear to speak to each other but she is always smiling now. I like to think she is in love. Still. No one stops to look at or buy her ugly homemade necklaces. Maybe I should buy one.'

2006-09-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

AN EVENING WITH JENNIFER BLOWDRYER IN A VERY DARK ROOM
...If this picture uploads incorrectly it only fits the off-centre feel of the night!

My best pal, Ing, writes reviews for a San Francisco website and is now officially considered "press" --- this means she gets loads of free passes and that tanslates to opportunities to check out lots of cool shows/concerts in the Bay Area. Tonight, she was kind enough to invite me and B to join her at San Francisco's infamous performance club located in the far stretches of The Mission, The Dark Room, for a performance by original punk rock writer/performer Jennifer Blowdryer. I want to share some of the show with you but it is so hard.

First of all -- how does one describe The Dark Room space? How would I explain the way cool original art tiles I purchased in the lobby? (I will not attempt that, but I will post them here for you to check out! Aren't they awesome?!?!? They were done by a local artiste by the name of Louise Varmilowecz and are very pretty) How does one describe Jennifer Blowdryer and her fellow performers and highly entertaining videos by her NYC artiste friends? (title: I Love You This Much)

Ing has a beautiful way of taking notes all of the time. You might be having a conversation with her about t-shirts --- and, as you change topics you might notice her whipping out a tiny leather bound journal in which she is scribbling something down. As I've become close to Ing she has allowed me access to her notes. They fascinate me and have insprired me to attemp the same. I suck at it. Tonight, Ing sat with her pad in hand. Last week I purchased a way cool little journal which I now carry with me at all times to scribble down my ideas. (title: Tambourine With Nature)
So, I think I will just transcribe my sad little notes of the show for you. Unedited. I hope I captured the strange and surprisingly entertaining evening of fun. I wish I could tell you more about Ms. Blowdryer's stories of Cher's one night stand and drunken moments on Polk Street and at Studio 54 or her interest in people who tend to get tossed out of public places for bad conduct. But, my notes of the evening will have to do. I should note that Ing wrote a lot. I sort of stopped after the first 20 minutes.

And, please, admire my tiles!!!

9/15/06
@ The Jennifer Blowdryer Show at The Dark Room

Ing is wearing a vintage plaid fitted jacket, a cute designer print t, cool zipper suede boots with her jeans rolled up. B looks REALLY hot in my shirt and brown/orange jacket. His hair looks real atomic. Like the Blondie song. He (B) checks the time.

I wonder how many people have had orgasms in this art/theatre space? I suspect this place is haunted. Go Go Dancer/Surfer rock plays. B yawns. Ing swallows and stares out into space.

A container of milk gone rancid. B gets up. Ing's boots have almost platform heels. Cool. B's butt looks great. I wish I could get a Diet Coke. B goes out for a smoke, to get Advil for Ing who has a bad headache and a Diet Coke for me!

Apprently I gave Ing an idea for a visual blog.

More people are coming in now.

Jennifer Blowdryer is really cool! Funny. Smart. This show is going to be strange. I don't think there is a plan. Improvised all the way.

"Every second is a precious moment"

"I wish there were as many people as there are bubbles in my bubble bath because that would mean there are as many people in the street as --- Wait. No. It would just mean that the people in the street are bubbles."

Funny stuff and off-insights about the fringe. Punk rock for the new century.

"I don't work. So, I have lots of hobbies"

I envy people like Jennifer Blowdryer. Brave. Free. Not so much an artist as a person who simply lives and tranlates that into art. I feel like a stranger at her home watching her fave movies and talking about things. That drag queen seems out of place her. The girl in the stripes is really quite interesting. I could just sit and listen to her talk for hours.

(title: That Night At The Office)

Those were my notes. On our way to the car we saw a drunk homeless man who appeared to have been hit by a car. People were trying to help him and wait for the police. He was covered in blood.

...life in The City By The Bay.

2006-09-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO GET THE VERY LEAST...
...in the tradition of Michael Mouse, Danny The Duck and Dani Milogue --- I give you Hello Cat! By SUNNY-RIO!

(Actually, I wish I had a Hello Cat) Well, a boy can dream...

Tomorrow night B and I are joining Ing for a night of light adult entertainment provided by Jennifer Blowdryer! Ing always finds the coolest bands and the neatest things to do! I can't wait! ...and, then a dinner and movie with several good friends Saturday night! It is going to be a Kick Ass weekend!

2006-09-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

THE IMPORTANCE OF SHOES...

...from a San Francisco artiste -- I really love this clip. You've probably all seen it, but just in case...

2006-09-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

Gay Men Rule!!!

I was just invited to join this blogging community ---

Gay Men Rule!I am so excited! It's cool to be asked to add my ideas to the mix! Check it out! Anyway, just put up my first post there. It was a post I was planning for here. ...Related to this photograph taken by Crawford Barton. He really captured the 70's era of The Castro in San Francisco. His work captured everything from joy to sadness to the erotic. So, I will just post the picture on my blog. It says a lot by itself. The stairs are about to be demolished. I will also add another picture taken by Mr. Barton.This one is called Steve With MaryJane. I've always liked it. Sexy and takes us back to a time when it was "bold" to pose with your pot plant. I like that.

Oh, and I love getting emails but I hope that a few of you who read my blog will start to feel more comfortable about posting a comment here and there! I like the exchange that this creates from time to time. You know, you can still hide your identity if that is a concern!

2006-09-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

CONFESSIONS FROM A TUBE SOCK CIRCA 1979...
As I am want to do while engaging in conversations with my friends I pursued a better understanding of us all by asking when we each discovered the magical powers of masturbation. Being my friends, no one was at all ashamed or afraid to discuss in detail. So, it was very interesting.

I discovered that I was a bit late in the game. I have already written about when my Gay Little Heart found its way to an erection. ...While watching Kris Kristofferson romp about sans clothes with Babs in A STAR IS BORN. I was a little kid. I was frightened and had to ask for an explanation from my 70's mom (who was at my side watching the film in a sold out cinema)

However, it would be several years before I discovered to what an erection could lead me to.

For me, I was about 13 years old. I was in the tub reading "Rolling Stone" --- I can remember spending more time than was required looking at the cover photo of Robin Williams. I remember being worried that I was getting the newsprint wet. Yeah. Am I the only one old enough to remember when Rolling Stone was a newspaper type magazine?!?! Anyway, I placed the magazine down on the yellow tile floor next to the tub. Yes, I had an erection. By this time I thought nothing of it. I was not ashamed or embarrassed but I knew to be discreet. My mother was quite sex positive until she decided to go thru a Born Again phase which lasted a horrible 5 years --- but that, my friends, is a whole other story and decade.

This was 1979 and Mom was still listening to Elton John.

Anyway, back to my discovery of the Big O. I had to raise up on my knees to reach the soap. Ivory Soap, I might add. As I reached up for the soap the hot water poured down, um, on me. Well, this gush of hot water created a favorable sin-sa-tion. I remember staying fixed with the water running full force on, um, me. I remember turning to my left and glancing down at Mork on the cover of The Rolling Stone. ...and, I will never forget the feeling that took me over. My thighs felt like they were giving 'way. I had to turn away from the lovely picture and hold my palms out in front of me against the tiles. I came.

I fell back into the water sending a wave of soapy water over the tub and on to the floor and fully drenching the magazine which had led me to such pleasure. Pleasure. Well, to be honest. I was also quite frightened. I remember thinking that I must have somehow gotten soap inside me. What was that stuff?!?!?

Well, this brought me to another conversation with my mom. Luckily, she didn't use any of the posters on my wall as visual pointers. (and I did not tell her of the Robin Williams picture) ...she seemed to be fairly sure I was gay anyway.

She always blamed Barbra Streisand. Granted. It was odd for a 4 year old to become obsessed with Barbra Streisand. She felt I played "The Wet" LP way more than was necessary. Oh well. I think she still might blame Babs for my being gay. Anyway, she explained that the stuff was sperm and all normal. Actually, she had explained sex to me over and over again. I think she was a bit annoyed. I remember her pinning up her hair as she was getting ready for a swim, "You came. That's all. No big deal. I've got get going" --- and, with that she picked up my baby brother and they tailed it to the pool where she would flirt with the guy who owned a local record store. Sadly, she never followed thru on the flirting and re-married my orge of a father. But, once again, that is a whole different blog.

Within a few months I had discovered the pleasures that could be added with the aid of my Grandmother's Vasoline.
I spent a lot of time with her in Houston. I would hang out at her pool and watch her hot gay neighbors swim in the apartment complex pool. One was a hair stylist and the other was about to become a doctor. The stylist had hair just like John Travolta from the BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE days and his lover had his hair really short like a new wave singer. I would not go swimming with them because, well, they rather excited the 13 year old in me. I think they knew. I remember both of them asking me about the movies and music I liked. The punk looking-soon-to-be-doctor attempted to explain that Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" was actually about Elton's penis. (it was only recently that I realized what he was talking about) ...Anyway, I kept trying to steer the conversation away from things gay to things like weed, Pink Floyd, The Who and Led Zep (all of which I had become a bit of an expert) ...but they only wanted to pry into me about being possibly queer.

"Matty, have you heard the 12" version of 'No More Tears'?"
"Do you like Ted's wife beater? Do you want one?"
"Come on in and swim! Did you want to cry at the end of 'A Star Is Born'?"

...my answer to these questions was really "yes" but I always said "no" before giving myself away.

One of them asked me if I liked to play with my tube sock. I remember I was wearing my blue gym shorts with matching tube socks. When I asked what he meant they both laughed. My Grandmother was inside baking cookies. The stylist told me that he used to jerk off into his gym socks.

About 3 minutes later filled with thoughts of my Grandmother's gay neighbors in their tiny jean cut-offs which were acting as swim trunks --- I was locked in my Grandmother's powder blue bathroom. Lying on her blue carpet, my feet pushed against her blue toilet and my head jammed against the blue door. I scooped out a large portion of her Vaseline and inserted into one of my tube socks. I then slid the sock over, um, me. I closed my eyes. Moved my hand around my sock and, well --- let's just say my thighs/knees gave out a lot that summer.

1979. Me, my tube sock, a glob of Vaseline and a blue bathroom. Sigh. Oh, the joys of self-discovery. Sure, over the course of the years I've done my share of exploration and continue to do so. But, there is some thing magical about discovering what joys can come from within and spring from out the mind.

God bless Robin Williams --- and my Grandmother's gay neighbors where ever they all might be. Hmmmm....

2006-09-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

STOLEN MOMENTS FROM A MIS-SPENT YOUTH...

Skipping classes, hanging with my best friend, some silly ideas and a stolen Sears surveillance video camera ---- hours of fun shared. Fast forward about 18 years to youtube and share a moment of that time. ...when the possibilities seemed without end and without hope all at once...

2006-09-04T00:54:00.000-07:00

THE MAGIC OF ART

Today, B and I visited Ing at her magic shop of books. And, I found a stunning book of pop/surealistic art. In this book I discovered the work of Ms. Isabel Samaras. She is brilliant! Look!!!

...we always knew it to be true...

...it was really just a matter of time for Major Nelson.

...oh to be there!!!!

2006-08-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

THE TASTE OF HEAD

He likes it here. It is always a bit cold in this space where the concrete heads look as if they might roll over and start to crush anyone who might be careless enough to step in the way. It's a habit he has developed. Coming to this place. This park which is not too far from where he often works.

The toothbrush isn't enough and he knows he can't floss for a few hours. So, he stops by the market a few blocks from here. And, with a bit of the money earned, he picks up a bag of Bridge Mix. He knows it was designed for old ladies who blame some sort of card game back in the days of Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore. But, he loves Bridge Mix and it tastes so good with the Mexican soda he can always find in the back of the store.

So, on Tuesdays and Thursdays he comes to this place. He sits with his bag of Bridge Mix and bottle of Mexican soda. He thinks about the possible harm those beautiful heads could inflict. He pulls out the postcard he created months earlier. He wants to send in to that post secret blog dude but he is worried that someone might figure out it is his secret. And, he can't help but wonder if his secret is so very bad that it is just best to leave the postcard near one of the heads.

It is always like this.

He takes sucks on a piece of the Bridge Mix and then lets the unchewed piece of nut slide down his throat with a swig of soda. It makes his throat feel better for a little while. He wonders if his throat even hurts or if is just some sort of psychological stain from his father. But, this taste. This taste is all too real and horrible. This taste only bothers him on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

He wonders if he were to lay down next to one of the heads if he might be crushed.

The soda bottle is empty. He likes the sound of the bottle smashing against the lightest head.

Today is a bit different. Today, he pulls his post secret postcard out and pushes it under the largest head. He figures maybe someone will find it and know his horrible secret. He is relieved that it will not be posted on the world wide web. He pushes his head into the side of the sculpture and whispers the secret into the concrete. He remembers seeing this in a foreign film once. He pauses for a moment as he realizes that the characters in that movie were whispering their secrets into trees or something.

He shrugs. It doesn't matter. The secret now rests with the heads, but the taste remains in his mouth. It is such a bitter and sick taste.

He is full of this bitter, but all smiles as he walks up the path back to the parking lot where they wait. Such is the price of Bridge Mix and Mexican soda.

He hears the rumble of rocks rolling from behind. And, he starts to turn around, but it is too la ---

(visit my friend's new website and check out his artwork. He took the picture above and his name is Alan Kropp. I think he is quite talented. check

IT out

2006-08-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

TEN MINUTES...

As I stood waiting for the prescription to be filled I was feeling a bit annoyed by the wait. It had been called in at 9AM and it was now Noon. Even still, I had to wait. I took a deep breath and pressed "shuffle" on my iPod and was transformed by The Who's "Naked Eyes"

Yesterday a guy snapped, jumped in his car and set out to kill as many pedestrians and cyclists as he could. A sort of San Franciso Hit & Run Spree that left many of us a bit spooked. People snap all of the time but it feels different when it happens blocks from where you like to sit in the sun shine and read. As with most horrors going on in our world, it put things in perspective. Well, for some of us.

So, there I stood --- safe in the cocoon of The Who.

An impossibly tiny old woman walked up to the counter and simply ignored the three of us who had been waiting for more than a few minutes. She was frustrated. She had a cane. It was clear she required it for balance.

As fragile as she appeared she managed to raise her cane and hit the pharmacy counter.

"Is it ready yet?!?!"

"Five more minutes, Miss."

BANG! The cane hit the counter. "This is bullshit! I only have about ten minutes left to live!"

There was a slight pause. I don't think anyone quite knew what to do. Should we laugh? Should we ignore her? I did my best to look at her scrounged up little face and I don't think I've seen such anger in quite a while.

The counter person attempted to calm her. No doing.

WHAM! The cane hit the counter again causing some pharmacy brochures to fly off and land at my feet.

I reached down and tapped the old crone on her tiny shoulder. She sort of turned.

"You will have approximately 2 minutes of life left if you hit anything with that cane again. Get a grip, lady and get in line." I stated it calmly but sternly. The lady behind me followed what I said with a "Can we hear an amen?"

...The man behind the lady who was behind me then stated, "And, get your ass in line like the rest of us. You've by-passed the laws of being kind to the elderly."

Dramatic sigh. "I may not make it through today with all of this hurry up and waiting"

"If only" ---- I couldn't help it. The counter person laughed. The iPod moved on to "Soft Power" by Ladytron.

Yeah, people snap every day. It is more than a little worrying.

2006-08-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

WHEN PIANOS TRY TO BE GUITARS...

It seems to be one of those days. I spent over 3 minutes trying to button up a zipper. Go figure. I just don't know. But, it isn't easy bein' me.

2006-08-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

YES, WE ARE GLITTER

This re-mix CD comes out in October. True, I have all but one of the remixes but I am just so excited to have new Goldfrapp product that I know not what to do with myself! However, tonight I and B are meeting up with Goddess Ing and Sexy Alan for a night of depraved French cinema staring my fave, Isabelle Huppert and super hot Gregory Pascal. Of course, none of these sexy folks can hold a candle to B! Sigh. I am really quite blessed. And, yeah, I feel all warm and glitter-like inside!

2006-08-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU NEEDEvery once in a while he needed her to talk to him like she was his mother. He didn't need this very often and he certainly did not anticipate it. However, that day, he really needed her to talk to him. And, he needed her to talk to him like a mother would.

But, that day, she wasn't available. She was unwilling.

He wanted to pretend that it was no big deal and that it didn't matter.

But he couldn't. And, it did matter. It mattered a great deal.

Was the pain from the fact that it didn't matter to her or did it hurt so much because it mattered to him? He wasn't sure. This left him feeling quite alone.

2006-08-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

THE INNER GIRRRRRRL...

No pictures today, kids. Blogger is giving me attitude. Anyway, it is too bad because I had a lovely photo of me encased in glitter and all things spark'ly!

You know, in my heart lurkes the soul of a 14 year old girl. I am not ashamed. She is there and she is me. She dictates many of my tastes much to my shock and amusement.

She loves sugar, puppy love and happy/sappy tunes with a certain degree of funk which is just this side of audio safe. I suspect she is a bit of a slut. You know the one who the other girls whisper about and the ones the boys desire but would never bring "home to meet Mom" --- the one who wants to be a cheerleader but weighs a little too much to be on the squad and the one who wears too much eyeliner. You know my inner girl -- she scribbles sweet things on her pink notebook but hides them with Nirvana stickers. She wears her clothes a bit too tight and thinks it's cool for you to see her thong when she bends over. She's the girl you know who relates more to Stockard Channing than Olivia Newton-John in GREASE.

And, while you might have perceived her as "loose" she would give her heart and soul to the boy who would love and respect her. You know she spends her evenings listening to Joni Mitchell but would prefer to dance to Goldfrapp. However, she knows that you think both artists are "too gay" so she buys the Top 10 stuff when you're watching.

You remember my inner girl. She's the one who sits by herself at the lunch table wishing she were somewhere else. She is friendly to everyone and even helps pick the spit balls out of that geek's hair. He acts embarrassed but loves that she (or anyone) actually touches his hair. My inner girl worries that the geeky boy wants to kiss her but she knows she would kiss him if he asked her. She pretends to like horses because girls are supposed to like them. She would really rather be in a fast car. She pretends to be in love with James Blunt but she really goes for the lead singer of Radiohead. She will never admit to knowing his name. When the other kids in her class rolled their eyes at that Madonna video she secretly smiled at the thought of Madonna driving that car around, hurting people and then crashing it into a pole. For her, that is what it often feels like to be a girl. But she agreed with the other kids and said it was dumb.

She is smarter than you think but she is also kind of emotionally stupid. Her heart gets hurt a lot. But that's my inner girl. She is forever fourteen and will always be looking out the window wishing for more than what life delivered.

We should all be a lot more friendly toward her and stop talking about her behind her back.

She's more like you than you want to admit. You know it. You know her.

2006-08-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

FLYING KITES, FEEDING BIRDS AND STAYING AWAKE...

Sometimes I wish I knew a Mary Poppins so that I might ask her for guidance with the really important things in life. You know. Like, how do I get this stain out of my shirt and where I can find a bike helmet that won't make me look like a dork. I should think she would offer excellent advice and could probably even pull the answers out of her carpet bag. I could share her with Jane and Michael Banks. It could be a sort of gay glitter nanny share program. I'm just sayin'.

2006-08-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

PROCESSING AGE

This weekend I have thought a great deal about getting older and the challenges (and rewards) that come with it. A part of me is really fascinated to see how my journey has gone and continues to go but another aspect of self is screaming, "No! I don't wanna get old!" ...but the good news is that I appear to be getting older --- much better than the alternative. And, I don't guess I am horribly unhappy with the way the aging process is treating me. But, still --- it can be a bit worrying to realize that I've most likely already passed or am passing the mid-point of my life. I mean, how did that happen?

Thursday I was entering a new patient into the system at work and it struck me that this adult was born in 1983. ...A year I remember quite well. As if it were almost yesterday, actually. And, then I met another patient well into the 60's who carried that offensive scent of mothballs. What is it about turning 60 that makes everyone want to freeze their food and pack their clothing in mothballs!?!?! Will that happen to me? Will I grumble about those kids who play their music too loudly? Not yet. I am still in that category of people who get asked to turn the music down. But, it could happen.

I've a friend who has lived an exciting and full life. He is currently entering into a battle for his life. A battle which I feel he will win but a very horrible time for both he and his family. I am so worried for him. And, I seem to find little comfort in the fact that he is older and has had a wonderful ride on this planet. In fact, I sometimes find myself wondering if we have our views out of alignment. I mean. We all cringe and cry when a young person loses life. This seems natural. A young person has not had the chance to taste all that life has to offer. Or, could it be that it is somehow harder to let go when you HAVE tasted most of what life has to offer. You know more of what is to be missed. I think the bottomline is that it is hard to let go which is why most of us cling so hard to life and all that it may or may not mean. We don't want to lose it.

...And, none of us seems to --- as much as we grind out heels into the dirt to the grave --- wants to be "old" Yet, like taxes. Death is really all that is promised to each of us. Or, rather, as Gaiman's "Sandman" comic once stated -- we all get the same: a lifetime. Does the span really matter? I think it does but maybe the next curve on the journey is a lot better than the one we are all taking at such high speeds right now. 1983, indeed.

Anyway, this weekend I bypass'd SNAKES ON A PLANE because I could not find a way to score two tickets. And I took in a viewing of the independent film, THE BOYNTON BEACH BEREAVEMENT CLUB, which would appear to be as close to a realistic but upbeat look at getting older than one is likely to see. There was much truth to be found in the movie and I loved the fact that the older actors were playing characters against western stereotype and were allowed to lust, have sex, be angry at their children/grandkids/grandkids and animals. In the end, the film showed the pain of loss and the joy of discovery --- at any age. And, it also allowed us to see that old doesn't mean "the end" --- actually, the growth continues. And, also, in the end -- we are all children forever. We never really grow up. I think a better way to phrase the process is "evolve" --- we evolve and, I hope, learn to cope better with the shoes that SHE drops on us from time to time.

One of the aspects of this film that sparked some ideas and some interesting conversations between me and B were two actors in the film: Brenda Vacarro and Dyan Cannon. Two very different type of film actors. Both have been on the fringes of mainstream entertainment for the last couple of decades because of -- well, age. Both are talented actors. Yet, both have approached their work from different angles. Both started out at about the same time. Vacarro was born in 1939 and Cannon hit the pavement a couple of years earlier in 1937. Both were screen beauties who were just a tad too old to be full on hippies but also young enough have edge. Both did nudes scenes but played roles that required more than just a hot pair of tits. Their options both started to limit at about the same time. Vacarro opted to not fight against time -- she allowed her curves to curve out more and took on the "best friend" and "mom" roles quickly. Cannon, really more the movie star who never got the lead roles didn't take things so easily. She dieted and ran to surgery. The results have been a bit mixed. Vacarro does a lot of voice-overs and was the FIRST actress to do open ads for tampons. Vacarro did the Vegas thing and did a great deal of B grade older sex pot roles but all led to a turn on some good TV programes in the 90's. Now, as they enter their 70's they are in the same film and it is hard to say who is more attractive/interesting. They are talents are fairly equal in my book. dyan -- youngtoday and pushing 70...

However, there is something much sexier about Vacarro who has allowed her body to age as it was probably more intended. At the same time, there is something kind of hot about Cannon in her form fitted jeans and long golden thread of hair. brenda in the mid-1970's...
brenda today and just two years away from 70
And, then we have Sally Kellerman who was never allowed in the mainstream anyway and who, in this new film, takes the bold move of doing full on nudity without the aid of back lighting and soft focus granted to Diane Keaton a few years back. And, she looks damn good. And, the men in the film take some chances, too. But our society has it out for the women. So, I was relieved to see the way the director and writer (both female) approached their female characters. It would have been so easy to cast Dyan Cannon as the character the other women hate for being "too hot-too-trot" or something. However, a more realistic approach was taken. Each character has her own insecurity and friendships are born out of need more than out of greed or petty issues. Not a great film, but certainly a film that made me think.

And, left me wishing that such talents as DeNiro, Hoffman and Streisand had put better use to their "power" than they did with MEET THE FOCKERS ---- Vacarro/Cannon do not carry that level of power and it took close to two years for BOYNTON to find a distributor. Just think what Hoffman/DeNiro/Streisand/Fonda/Eastwood/Hawn/Pacino if they really put their heads together and made a film which might have something more to say than dirty jokes or warm fuzzies about space aliens. ...and, maybe they could cast Vacarro and Cannon as characters more than "the best friend" or "the aging slut" --- wouldn't that be cool? ...and considering the number of folks at the screening we attended on a lovely Saturday SF afternoon --- I suspect that DeNiro and Streisand would really pack 'em in. Shit. Let Ben Stiller produce it just don't let him write it or anything.

...somewhere Joni is singing of both sides. ...now.

2006-08-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

IS THIS THE END?!?!?

Not that I am one to be all gloom and doom, but I have been called The Little Cloud of Worry. So, forgive me as I worry via my blog. However, it is my blog and I am determined to stay true to my oath that my only mean of any level of creativity is for me. So, no need to forgive.

Anyway, I woke up at 5:55AM this morning. B was fast asleep. I stumbled into the bathroom to, um, relieve myself. As I was washing my hands -- yes, I wash my hands after I pee. (just thought you should know that detail!) ...Anyway, as I was drying my hands on the towel I heard little jingle/jangle noises. I paid no mind at first. I was thinking it was that wondrous San Francisco breeze that welcomes me everyday but this was somehow different. The jingling was actually the pipes and B's little floss man started to fall off his sink. I was still pretty sleepy but it did strike me that we might be having a tremor or earthquake or something. However, it all stopped. I walked back to the bedroom and climbed into the warmth of the bed. It was 6:03AM, I think. I fell back into sleep. As I got on the subway I was surprised to secure a seat. I turned on my, yes, "fucking" awesome full-on iPod (Thank you, B!!!) and I was greeted by a vid-clip of Barbra dueting with Barry Gibb. Ah, good sign. Then --- jerk/clank --- the MUNI came to a stop and we all just sat there for over 25 minutes. I was 15 minutes late to work when all was said and done. Turns out we did have a very minor earthquake at approx 6AM and it caused some sort of a problem for BART and MUNI. Hmmmm...

As I remember from that smash Irwin Allen flick where Ava Garder plays 40 at 80 that the end of LA started with a very small tremor. Anyway, I went on with my day which was actually quite a lot of fun! How I wish I could share some of the things that happen at my job but that wouldn't be cool. However, trust me -- It is a most fun job and a fun place to be and simply observe.

Lunch came. I went to my usual place. My sandwich tasted better than usual. Actually, it tasted REALLY good!!!! I mean I took my time eating it and was wishing I could eat more than half of it. And, my iPod played only great songs that I wanted to hear while on shuffle mode. ...then as I was getting ready to stand up and head back to my office Skeeter Davis came on singing "The End of the World" ...then, REM came on singing about the end of the world as well. AND, then the 5th Dimension came up singing "Last Night"

...and, as I walked back into the office everyone was in great spirits. I sat down and thought, "Wow. I feel really good!" I did.

Then it hit me. Do all these things mean that some giant platform boot is about to drop from the sky?

Is the world about to end?!?!?
I hope not because I've yet to have the chance to see London, Paris or Toronto and I still need to stalk Isabelle Hupppert.

2006-08-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

...ALWAYS THE BRIDESMAID AND NEVER THE BRIDE or BEAUTIFULLY PERVERSE FRENCH FILM FROM CLAUDE CHABROL!!!
It took over two years for French genius, Claude Chabrol's LA DEMOISELLE D'HONNEUR to find a US distributor -- but it was well worth the wait! I met up with my roommate and great pal, Alan, to view it at the Lumiere Cinema last night. I am not sure what Alan really thought of it as I think he was still "digesting" it as we ate our Korean Bar-b-q after watching it but I LOVED every single frame!

Aside from the fact that it stars one of my fave French actors, Benoit Magimel --- um, excuse me but who didn't drool upon seeing him in THE PIANO TEACHER!!??!? Claude Chabrol is one of my all time favorite filmmakers. I think one of the reasons I love him so very much is that his work can't really be predicted. It is always full of tension -- and, very often, that tension will build to nothing or build up to something of nightmarish proportions! I love that. I also love his love of finding beauty in the oddness of human nature and the perverse of inter-personal relationships and the perverse in society and the on-going class struggles. True. It has been a while since he made what one can really call a masterpiece. However, I am a very big fan of MERCI POUR LE CHOCOLAT and suggest you rush out and secure the DVD as soon as possible. It features his favorite muse, Isabelle Huppert, giving it her all -- and creeping you out as well as breaking your heart. Oh, and think twice before accepting any hot chocolate from Ms. Huppert!

Anyway, back to THE BRIDESMAID. An adult exploration of a sexually stunted man and his affair with danger in the form of haunted looking woman played with sensual ease by Laura Smet. The film is one big sigh of dread and worry. The viewer watches and just waits for something horrible and scary to happen. But, this is Claude Chabrol and half the power of his cinema is the way it seeps into your brain after the lights come up. This is challenging cinema, kids and I love it! Now, I don't want to give away any spoilers but I will tell you that there is something odd about that bust with which Benoit's character is so fascinated. Oh, and that smell is probably a bit more worrying than he realizes -- but when you see the film you will suspect that. There are many "red herrings" in this film (as in most Chabrol films) --- however, the endless tango dancing upstairs isn't one of them. I am fairly certain that the tango can be used as a symbol of death and I do believe that is what is going on here.

My only real criticism of Chabrol's 2004 film is that he never lets us enjoy Mr. Magimels awesome bod yet we do get to enjoy Ms. Smet's. Not too cool. If we objective women we should also should objective the men. In fact, it is time for men to be objectified. Even still, this is a cool bit of cinematic mediation. I highly recommend seeing it if you can!!! I loved it! But, be warned -- this is not the stuff of cineplex. This is art cinema. And, it's French. Now. Who can get me some nude shots of Benoit Magimel, please?!?!?

And, a tip of my hat to Claude Chabrol!
At 80 plus years he is still making better movies than most. And, I hear he is finishing up work on what is likely is last film with Isabelle Huppert!!! How many of you remember LA CEREMONI!?!?! I still have nightmares of those final moments as Ms. H tracks down the wealthy family. ..and, Jackie Bisset rocked!

2006-08-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

WAIT! IS THAT MACY GRAY OR A BANK MANAGER IN TRAINING?!?!?!
Well, OK -- I know the answer. This person IS Macy Gray. Is she jonzzzing for a come back/make over of "sell out" proportions and is she consulting with Oprah on her fashion sense?!?!? What I most appreciate is that she has hung on to a Doors logo on the conservative shirt as if to say, "Oh, God! Help me! This can't be my life?!?!" Oh, and I loved her flop CD's more than her first one. Could this be one of those endless signs that we really are slipping back into Eisenhower mode? ...or, is this one of those things that predicts the end of the world as we know it. You know something is wrong when Macy Gray looks corporate --- and, oddly "white".

Oh, Macy. Come back to the Stoner Five & Dime, Macy Gray Macy Gray! And, make it quick!

OK. I'm off the Mission for adventures untold!

2006-08-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

GO TO THE ENT, YOUNG MAN!

Well, I made the trek over to Post Street today to see the specialist regarding my many nosebleeds which are attributed to that fun genetic blood disorder, HHT. Gotta love it! Ugh. Anyway, I had to have two surgeries to stop nosebleeds before. Not too much fun. After the last surgery in 2004 I was warned that I might need another if the nosebleeds were to start again. Well, they started again about 4 months ago. So, this was the third doctor I've seen regarding the HHT this year and I shall be having one of those full body scans where they put you in the tube. Can't wait. I liked this doctor. I think I liked him mostly because he gave me good news. The two spots way up inside my nasal cavities that had required surgery were fine and not the cause of my many nosebleeds of late. Instead I had six new little ones in my left nostril and two in my right. These are tiny cluster of blood vessels that will opt to bleed whenever the mood strikes them -- which has been fairly often. When this has happened in public I usually just pretend that the person with whom I am hanging has just slugged me. This usually causes a bit of confusion but makes me laugh. Only Ing has been able to catch that ball and run with it. In fact, the last time this happened she chased me up Valencia in the Mission. At least I think that is where we were. Anyway, it was much fun excepting that I bleed all over my OP hoodie. But, with Ing's fast advice at the Mexican restaurant I was able to get the blood out. But, I digress.

Anyway, the only thing that can really be done is to have the little clusters of blood vessels cortorized (sp?) ---- so I shall detail what this all entails.

First the doctor sprays this stuff way up your nostrils and in the back of your throat. I get extra dosages because I toss my cookies at the drop of a hat. Anyway, this spray is interesting because it totally numbs the inside of your nose and the back of the throat out. And, I think, because I am given so much --- it makes the whole of my face numb. So, all I can feel from the top of my nose down are my lips and inside my mouth. Odd sensation. Then, the doctor puts on these really strange glasses that are connected to these two rubber cords which have a tiny light at the end. I think it is sort of like a scope or a camera --- Anyway, I open my mouth, breath thru my nose and stick out my tongue. Sort of like giving porn-head only my clothes are on and it isn't at all exciting.

...So, the tubes go up both nostrils --- all the way up and you feel a sort of pressure behind the eyes and then just when you think your eyes might pop out -- the cords go down the back of your throat. He found these new clusters and cortorized them all right then and there this morning. I was so numb it didn't hurt at all but he packed up my nose and told me to go home and take it easy for the next 5 to 6 hours. I couldn't have gone to work anyway as I was so attractive with the nose packing -- which upon coming out left me with a really disgusting running nose. Oddly, as my face was numb for a couple of hours I would be unaware it was running. Pretty!!!

So, I've spent the day slumming about B's place. I got bored. I cleaned it. And --- he brought me a way cool drag cow statue. She is standing up and in a Vegas show girl outfit! I love it!!! It reminds me of a similar one I got for Milly a while back.

This was my day. I have higher hopes for tomorrow! But, no surgery! Now, if I can just get my ass in gear and set the appointment for the full body scan. ...which I really hate doing. Not so much because of doing it but because of my fear of what they might fine. I mean, do I even really want to know if a cluster of these things shows up in the centre of my brain. I am not so sure I do. HHT. Fun stuff. But, it could be oh so much worse. My brother has it as well but opts to not do anything about it. But, I am the Cloud of Worry so I must explore and find out!

And, how was everyone's Thursday!?!?!

2006-08-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

LIVING THE SANDPIPER FANTASY!
Liz Taylor filming the big scene in 1965 on Big Sur...
matty living the big scene in 2006 on Big Sur... Who looks more melodramatic?!?!? Granted, I opted to include a photo of Liz just prior to shooting her scene but I figured it only fair to cheat a bit! I mean -- she IS the Movie Screen Goddess. I am just me. Here, I am begging Father Richard Burton to do me as my little sandpiper tries to heal and hunky Charles Bronson wants me sooooo badly but it is the priest I want!

Yes, Kids. At long last --- it was time for my big close up! "B" took me to Big Sur! And, no, it was just a magical day trip! No camping other than my imitations of Liz and Dick circa 1965 to the dismay of fellow sunbathers.

I have to tell you that this is the single most beautiful place I've yet to see. I love the ocean and this was the best looking point I've been to yet. I don't think any of the photos capture the magic of Big Sur. The rock formations, the ocean waves, the surrounding mountains and cliffs. It is easy to see why Mr. Minnelli was so taken with it that he used it for his infamous movie. The Shadow Of Your Smile, indeed!

We had a blast! Here are some pix! This first one was my homage of fatness ala Liz who, like me, was way too large to be sportin' about it in next to nuthin'! But this is fantasy fun! Right? Right! Now, the rest are just shots I and B took that day. Awesome stuff. And, um, isn't B totally hot!?!?! Yummmy.

...someone once wanted to buy the world a coke. I would prefer to transport the world to Big Sur and serve them a Diet Coke. I think it might do the world a whole lotta good.

B napped as I caught some sun and listened to The Sandpiper soundtrack as the ocean water sprayed against all those incredible rocks. Oh, and this picture is of me ---- now, I am only in about 2 feet of water but I was soon swallowed by the Pacific. This is not safe water for surfing or swimming. But, I had to get out in it!!!

This is me posing on the way to Big Sur --- I think this was in Carmel or Monterey --- I was amused by the James Dean artichokes signage!

Saturday night we saw THE DESCENT --- if you like horror movies and you like 'em gross and scary --- see it! It so totally rocked! But, you'll never get me into a cave! Don't EVEN go there! Oh, and I got my hair "did" at Male Image -- I have always wanted to venture in there. It was quite cheap and the guy did a great job! ...or as a great a job as one can be done on my limited hair supply. Oh! And, I saw Michael "one of the biggest cocks in gay porn" Brandon wandering by as we ate dinner at the Cafe Baghdad!!! Tall, lanky and hot. Very SF/Castro moment. You know, I think Krusty Semen would be a great name for a gay porn star. You know, my mom's madien name is Seaman and the name of Krusty just makes me think of that clown on The Simpsons. So, in the end, that name just makes me laugh. Too much sun?

Sunday we jumped back into B's Honda Element and drove up north across the Golden Gate to Keohoe Beach and another beach -- the name of which escapes me. It was much fun but I think the sun left us a bit tired. You can't tell from these pix. It was a bit foggy upon arrival but that burned away fairly quickly.
Oh, how I do love California beaches. However, the last beach we visited -- had extra lifeguards on duty and warnings posted about great white shark sitings. ...that is a bit too creepy but I still went for a quick swim. It was too perfect a day not to! And B got lots of sun! Hottie! 10++++

...on a more serious note --- THE SANDPIPER was one of my Grandmother's favorite movies. She always thought the beaches in it were so beautiful. I wish I could have shared the visit to Big Sur with her.
I sent a little prayer out to her on the waves.

'

2006-08-03T19:16:00.001-07:00

"LOOK, HONEY! A FAGGOT!!!! GIVE ME THE CAMERA!"

I suppose we can chalk this up to that odd magnet I seem to become for odd/uncomfortable situations. I should say that my day at work was horrible. Negative energy was all around me and no amount of Madonna/Kelly Clarkson remixes and gorgeous gay patients was going to change that. It was just a shitty day. So, when lunch time arrived I ran out with my iPod and my book. I went to my fave place for lunch and reading during my lunch break. It is outside a popular big-budget store which also features some historic San Francisco fountain which attracts tourists. But, I sit away from the fountain. I am usually situated just behind this cute little flower stand.

So, there I sat. On the steps which lead to the store. iPod playing Cansei De Ser Sexy and Moloko. And, I was reading my new book, "The Importance of Being Barbra" ---- and I was absorbed as I read this dude's opinions of my diva of choice. I don't agree with much of them, but I appreciate his opinions and ideas.

Anyway, I got that feeling one gets when one is being stared at.

I looked up and saw a sturdy couple armed with fanny packs and with two children looking pensively from behind them. The lady spoke first. I was expecting to be asked for directions to Union Square. Instead this is the conversation that took place (as I transcribed to my handy Sanrio Hello Kitty notepad which is with me at all times!)

Lady: "Hi! Can we take your picture?"
Me: "Me?"
Lady: "Yes! You looks so sweet! We wanted to take your picture to bring back home! We're visiting San Francisco!"

(no shit)

Me: silent (I was not in a good mood and they had just interrupted my reading time)
Lady: "Are you a homosexual?"
Me: "Yes. Why?"

(I should note that there was a quick look of 'I Told Ya So!" exchanged between wife and husband)

Man: "We saw two boys making out over on Market Street!"
Lady: "And they let me take a picture! It was so cute! Do you have a boyfriend?"
Me: "Yes, I do."
Lady: "I bet he is a doll, too! Are you two married to each other?"
Me: "Gay and lesbians are only allowed to marry in Massachusetts and I doubt that is going to last for long."
Man: "Oh, that's right!"
Lady: "I thought I saw a news story about gay guys marring in San Francisco."
Me: "Just for show. Not real. Only in Boston."
Man: "Well, we think it should be legal. Love is love. We don't like that governor in Massachusetts who is trying to stop it!"
Lady: "No and we don't like our President!"
Me: "Cool. Where are you guys from?"
Lady: "Oh! We're from Oklahoma, but I was originally born in Nebraska!"
Man: "This is the furthest we've ever been from home! We wanted to show the kids a big city!"
Me: "You should have taken them to New York. That's a big city."
Lady: "Oh, no! We wanted beaches and sunshine!"
Me: "Well, if you want to take a picture go ahead. Just not sure why you would want my picture."
Lady: "You look so San Francisco! A gay boy in a red sportcoat and reading a book by 'Barbara Striiizend' and I love that t-shirt! Is that a snake?!?!"
Me: "Oh dear. Is this take a picture of the cliche faggot day?"

(both laugh uncomfortably but the two kids just laugh)

Me: "Well, shoot away but that'll cost ya $5 --- I need to get a cup for tips!"
Lady: "Oh, you're so funny! Honey, give me the camera. Can the kids pose with you?"
Me: "Sure. Why not?"

(oddly, the two kids seemed excited and ran up to pose with me. They got behind me.)

Me: "No. In pictures I am always the cheese!"
(they didn't get my joke. Oh well. I let it go. However, I do prefer to be in the middle for pictures)

Man: "Can you raise your book on 'Striiiizend" so that we can see the cover?"
Me: "Only if you both say her name correctly. You're in Gay Town. Her name is 'Bar-bra Strie-sand" Kids, say it with me as your parents take our pictures"

"BARBRA STREISAND!"

Lady: "You are so sweet and funny! Thank you!
Man: "Thanks, son."
Me: "You know, I think we are the same age."
Lady: "How old are you?"
Me: "I'll be 40 in November."
Lady: "We're 46! You look 25!"
Me: "God bless you both. No charge for the picture."

...they left. I turned my iPod back on. ...the first song to pop on was "Secret" by Madonna. I am a cliche.

And, I should add --- some German tourists took my picture yesterday during my lunch break but didn't speak to or ask my permission. I couldn't figure out why. ...I guess it was because I am big fag reading about Babs on my lunch break.

I leaned back on the steps. Looked at the hippie-wanna-be who was sipping his Dr. Pepper a few feet away and let the cool San Francisco breeze blow past me. I closed my book and headed back to finish the work day from Hell.

However, tomorrow, this gay guy is headed to Big Sur with his boyfriend! He won't wear the priest costume I got for him but I do plan to re-enact at least 2 scenes from THE SANDPIPER -- and, you KNOW I get to be Liz! I can't wait!!! I promise to take pictures!!!!

2006-08-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

HERE IS MY CHERRY...
...t-shirt, that is. A gift from B! I love it!

2006-07-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

DANGEROUS ACQUAINTANCES, INGRID'S FEAST & SMASH UP ON THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO!

Friday night everyone's favorite girl, Ing, gave a little party.
Wearing her retro apron, up-to-the-moment-fashion and armed with a cooking instrument she called a "wisk" --- she greeted us at the door of the home for which she has been house sitting and the party began. Tho, I am still not clear on what that wisk was for --- Ing served us a delicious meal of sausages, buns and a pretty pink cake (that she baked all by herself)! It was yummy and the company was much fun!

B and me!

Ing and me!

Ing, Mark and I danced while "B" Alan and Adele cheered us on. We later learned that they were really just watching in shock and taunted us behind our backs but we still love 'em anyway. And the three of us "cut the rug" ...so to speak.

Much was discussed and many ideas were hatched for further cultural development of the human race. In the end, we all had to agree with Alan and all hope for the future lies with Ing's ability to write the perfect book. I think it could happen. Anyway, Ing gives great party and we all had a blast! A stone cold blast! We also found it fun to hang out outside the house once the party was over and watch Ing and Mark do things that I am unable to publish on my blog. We hooted and made obscene noises, but they were too lost 'in the moment' to notice. Alan got it all on video.

Oh! And, guess what came on one of our remit envelopes from one of our patients today! It just seemed so, well, "gay" to see a Judy Garland stamp on the remit envelope for our office postmarked for San Francisco -- I had to claim this stamp as my own. My boss advised that I was such a total homo in my red sportcoat and tight-fitting black t-shirt with the delicious print of big red lips wrapped around a cherry --- I agreed. But, he was waiting on pins and needles for the new "People" magazine to arrive and had just gotten into a disagreement regarding the singing merits of one Ms. Kelly Clarkson. So, who's the big homo now?!?! LOL!

Anyway, I had funny putting this shirt on because I feel like I've gained too much weight. I blame B who forces me to eat large quantitites of sugar and chocolate 24/7 but I must step up and just say no. Anyway, he assured me that I am still a size 'small' --- and I did get a number of compliments on my costume for the day. However, this being San Francisco, one never knows what one might encounter. As I was waiting in line to purchase the Magik Elixir, uh, I mean Diet Coke --- a young man approached me from the behind. I felt he was too close and became very aware of his presence. Then he leaned in and whispered into my ear -- "Hot shirt and I really like your jeans," --- then, before I had time to say "Thanks" his hand slide under my ass and his fingers were between my legs. I think I jumped 3 feet into the air.

It startled this kid more than me, tho. I could feel my face flush up. I turned and said, "Look. Thank you but keep your hands off my ass!" ...I said this in my meanest voice possible. ...and he just looked at me and said, "What about your cock?" ...What does one say to that? Why me? So, I just said the first thing that came to me --- "Please leave. Now." ...and, he did! ...I got my Diet Coke, walked to my standard seat on the steps of the Levi building and tried to decide if I was flattered or insulted. I started to discuss this with my boss but as nouvelle Vague sang "Too Drunk To Fuck" over our PA system I decided I would just keep it to myself.

But, I am sharing this experience with you. ...Because that what my blog is all about. Right?

OH! And, B and I heard the absolute coolest song this weekend --- actually, we heard it at the shop where I purchased my "hot" cherry shirt. It is called "My Other Car Is A Beatle" by Jay-r. As B dressed me up in a wide selection swimsuits that revealed more than if I simply dispensed with the wearing of swimsuits all together -- I discovered that Jay-r is a local DJ who has smashed up Salt-n-Peppa's The Cars That Go Boom with Gary Numan's Cars and various other Hip-Hop tracks. I HAD to have it. I searched iTunes with no luck.

However, a trip to a cool local record store revealed that this track is not legal and is created by a collective of SF DJ artistes who live on the auditory edge. I purchased a locally manufactured CD called "The Best Mashups In The World Ever Are From San Francisco" --- the cute guy at the store assured me that I was in for a treat with the CD and that only a few are ever published because it is not really "legal" ---- so I have it and can't wait to play it AND --- it turns out that these DJ's do a show of these smashups at a club once a month! I wanna go! (you'd be looking at it right now except that blogger will not let me upload the picture! oy!)

Ing! B! Mark! Alan! Milford! Adele --- and anyone else who wants to join! We must go to the next one in August or September! It is at the DNA Lounge -- and, please note that they smash up Ing's hubbby with Madonna (who wanted to marry me but I just wasn't up for that attitude 24/7, you know?) ....cool, tho -- eh?

...and, speaking of just how gay I am --- I picked up the new book on Barbra! Written by a critic (I think) who also happens to be a life-long fan, the book is an examination of Bab's career and offers a fan's insight into the things she has done right and the things she has done wrong. So, I guess the Barbra Criticisms come from a good place. Besides, I love the title. It is called "The Importance of Being Barbra" ...And, we all know that it is important being Barbra. It also must be really hard. I know I couldn't do it. I would not want to do it. Poor Barbra! I can't wait to read the book. I hope Ing selects it as November's reading group selection for the short attention span folks!

Oh, and, you know, I think we're all a little gay in our own ways. It's just that some of us are more gay than others. Now, excuse me while I mail my bill payments out using my Liza stamp from the US Postal Services Diva Collection. (I am saving Barbra's stamp for myself)

love and queer kisses,
matty

ps -- I hope you enjoy the pix! Check out Ing's blog soon -- if she ever decides to put up a post she will have way cooler pictures. I hope to get this posted tonight but I hope to be meeting up with B and Matt of Mule Skin Blog fame for dinner. It should be fabulous. And, I hope, quite gay! I'll bring my canceled Judy stamp. Anyway, when I get back to B's I will try to upload my pictures and get this posted. Tho, doesn't it seem like not that many people are reading or posting in July? ...Or is it just me?

2006-07-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

A PILLOW FOR MY TEETH

The good news is that there is no real bad news.

However, as I drive toward an actual settlement regarding this lawsuit from Hell --- and there are some positives about that and some negatives --- I can see a light at the end of the debt tunnel. This thing has been going on for over a year now. So closure of any sort is much welcome!

I am also working with doctors and various lab persons to schedule a whole battery of tests to check my status regarding this way fun genetic blood disorder my father left me.

...I am stressed out.

Funny how stress attacks. The new way for me to attack myself seems to be via the grinding of my teeth. ...all the time, apparently.

I've been grinding so much that I was unable to open my mouth the other day to floss/brush my teeth. B had to almost assist me in getting my mouth to open and it KILLED. Now, my whole jaw hurts and I've got a never ending headache. And, I've got two parties this weekend! One being given by that Goddess of San Francisco, Ing, -- which promises to be a lot of fun!!! The other is a pool party being given by one of the sexy guys I call "boss" --- his party is somewhere out in the east bay where it will be over 100 degrees but it is a pool party so that should be much fun. And, B has that awesome new car for us to take a joy ride on sunday or saturday night --- Now, if only my jaw and head will stop hurting. I must appear to be in a bad or down mood. Everyone keeps asking me if I am "OK". I am fine mood wise.

I am just in pain. Lots and lots of pain. Pain, pain, pain and more pain.

However, one of my bosses is saving me and I should have a Night Guard by the end of the day which will serve as a sort of "pillow for my teeth" ...I really like the way that sounds. And, I sure hope it calms the pain down.

And, my fingers are crossed to reach settlement and have all my appointments scheduled by Tuesday of next week. A boy can hope.

Wait. I will be 40 in November. Am I still allowed to be a "boy"? ...I think being queer always me a few extra years on the boy term but I might have exceeded that point.

...forever your boy. ...in pain. ...waiting for a miracle from the tooth pillow. And, now -- I return to my disco/diet coke fueled day!

2006-07-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

DOLL PARTS

I've been loving Sigur Ros for some time now, but thanks to my pal over at Killing Music Blog --- I love 'em even more. This is an amazing vid clip. Follow the link below!
Home Taping Is Killing Music: Doll Parts

2006-07-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO DOG DAY AFTERNOON...

...tho, no bank are being held hostage to pay for sex re-assignment surgery as far as I know. However, I do know that it is quite hot for San Francisco. I do believe it is close to 85 degrees as I type this from my cafe of choice where the cool boys behind the counter all know what I want to drink as I walk in the door. Isn't this picture grand? I had never seen it before but it so totally captures the magik that was David Bowie in his 70's prime. So cool. So odd. So disturbing. So fucking funky. I had never seen this picture before. I found it on the MySpace site of an online pal who goes by the screen name of J@M35 - beach blanket bingo beatnik. Seek him and his blog out on myspace. He is ubercool, cute and has great taste in film, music and more! Way cool.

I think I need to convince B to toss out everything and run away with me to the UK where we can live as way cool close to 40 something bohemians. I wonder if we can kidnap Ing and make her go with us. However, B is off buying a car. An Element I believe it is called. Actually, I know it called an Element. It is quite cool but this purchase has taken up a great deal of B's time and energy. And, we are missing crucial beach time today. But, it is going to make him very happy and it makes me feel kind of high to see him happy. So, that is cool. I anticipate riding to the nude beach within the next hour or so -- tho, it will be far too cold at the beach by that time to disrobe we can lay down, make out and watch the ocean for a few hours. Hey, where's my sunblock?!?!? Anyway, I think I've a better chance of convincing B to someday run off to Toronto to be bohemian in a place where one can secure actual insurance coverage without paying half your salary. That might be nice.

Last night Ing hosted me to a sleep over or "slumber party" at this wicked cool home of two cool artists who head up a band called The Sippy Cups --- they perform punk/drug era 60's songs for children. They rock and so does their house. Ing got me up to all sorts of odd things last night till the wee hours of the morning. We had a blast but I am so sleepy. And, poor Ing is having to work in this heatwave selling books. Still it was much fun. However, I am leaving it to her to tell you of our adventures. I am a bit worried about that as she has pictures. We shall see if she has the guts to actually put up the photos. But it was so much fun. And to set it straight --- Ing is one hot babe! ...as a couple of pictures will attest. By the way if she does publish any photos of me -- I posed at gunpoint. No, that's not the ticket. Those pix are not really of me. They are of a guy who sort of looks like me. You know something is up when friends ask, "Can you remove your pants?" ...but I am a trusting soul.

Ing got me a gift --- a box featuring my all time fave picture of Barbra!!!! It is one of the Scavullo publicity stills from A STAR IS BORN --- and it was filled with really good chocolate candies!!!
Now, I just need a box with my second fave picture of Babs and I shall be all set for cool Barbra boxes! Now, this was the cover shot for her infamous LP which featured her duet with then boyfriend Don Johnson who is said to have a rather large johnson. Good for Barbra! Sure wish she hadn't recorded that song with him or made that appearance on Miami Vice, tho. Well, love is blind. Even for divas of note. Great picture, tho! So "don't fuck with me, fellas!" ...and DKNY was never put to such good use! Well, maybe it was but I like it. Anyway, by the time this album hit the record stores in late 1988 she had moved on to an affair with Quincy Jones. A much better choice. Where is that duet?!?!?

I got Ing a gift! A house warming gift for her new apartment which is going to be so cool!!! This gift will make it all the cooler. Tho, I am not sure Ing agrees -- however it did inspire her to make this pose...Ing is afraid of Liza. She is learning to face her fears. You know, my mom got this album for me when I was a kid. I think she thought I might like Liza and it would prevent me from being gay. I didn't really like Liza -- but, boy -- did that poor woman have it confused. I think Liza is actually MORE gay than Barbra. Anyway, this was Liza's bid for disco stardom. Like most things Liza set out to do -- it didn't work out. But, Ing seems to be happy. And, doesn't Miss. Ing look hot!?!?!? Oh, and a hot Latino dude came on to Ing last night. He slipped a chocolate into her hand. It melted.

I made her eat it for good luck. She licked the wrapper! I was so proud I thought my heart my bust!

Well, beach time is wasting away as wait for B to arrive with his way cool car from the folks who make The Element. I think B thinks I might go camping. I was planning on that but I had thought he meant hanging out with drag queens and wearing pretty boas on the beach. I think he was thinking of hunting, fishing and something called "hiking" ...most worrying.

sigh.

And, here is my iPod Shuffle as I walked from B's place to my cafe:

1. I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie
2. Fun For Me by Moloko
3. Elevators by The National Trust
4. Molly by Ween
5. Sleeps With Butterflies by Tori Amos
6. Are You The One by The Presets
7. Still by The Robber Barons

...the candies were starting to melt. Ing and her ideas!

Oh, and there is nothing worse than gay male couples who opt to dress alike in matching shorts, muscle shirts and sandals -- and they always seem to be in their mid 40's. I ran into one such couple on my way here whom I know. Now, this is a mixed race couple but I swear -- I could not decide which was which. It was creepy and odd.

...why does anyone read my blog? And, according to the hits I see -- there are more than a few of you who stop by! all i do is prattle on and on. ...and it is usually about the same things. Tho, I guess I didn't make mention of Goldfrapp. Oopps. Scratch that. Anyway, I am glad you do stop by. Just wish you would drop me a comment or too --- I promise I will email ya if you want me to bother you with an email. It is a communication tool, you know!

OK -- B got the car/truck and is on his way to pick me up. The Boss by Miss Ross just came up on my iPod and I am all excited. Ocean --- here I come!

Kisses!
matty

2006-07-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

AN ODE TO BARRY...

My ten year old fingers wrap around the rope of my swing. The cane sandals fly freely off my feet, my toes dig into the sand, the denim cut-offs creep up just slightly exposing my butt to the warm seat of the swing as I push off into the warm Texas afternoon. The wind hits my face blowing my bowl cut all over my head. And the portable 8-track tape player is blaring out as I soar closer toward the sky...

"...Hey, Baby. I went lookin' too and I found out that there is no other love for me but you. Just me and you..."

Feeling so free. Grandmother and Howard are back in the house watching Mike Douglas. Mom is at work flirting with her boss. Dad is at some job flirting with all manner of people and doing as little work as possible. I soak in the hot sun which has already tanned my body. My faux-football jersey half shirt has those little holes in it which prevents the polyester from being too unbearable. Grandmother thinks it's funny that she can see where the sun has allowed the little holes to appear on my shoulders and chest. I think it cool.
My pal, Margaret, is all sunburned. However, I don't burn --- I stay brown.

"...a different kind of cool love who's going to treat me right -- day and night. And, I found what I was after and my day is filled with laughter. I found you, love..."

I feel so happy as I swing and sing along at the top of my lungs. Our neighbor is tending his corn and seems to take pleasure in my singing. However, next week he will talk to my mom about the appropriateness of the music to which I am allowed to listen. My mother will defend my right to play and sing along with "belly rubbin'" music. Good for her.

"Disco is fun" she will tell me as she drops me off at the rollerskating rink for a day and night of roller disco. I do have fun, but would rather be at the movies. Still, I became a good skater. I dreamed of skating with Scott. Or, Peter Brady -- or, Andy!

...but, secretly I really wanted to skate with Barry. Torn. Did I want him to be my boyfriend or my dad? Or, did I want both? I'm still not sure. I had always imagined that Woody Allen and Diane Keaton were my real parents. I was there love child who had some how been left in White Trash Texas Hell. But, maybe it was disco desiny. Disco dew.

Oh, Barry. What happened? In the summer of 1977 it all seemed so innocent and fun. And, look what was survived? Child abuse. Latch keys. Being gay and not really understanding why or what that meant other than my mom was blaming Barbra. Not that it was all easy for you either. I mean, you kept those hits rolling but all the while your cute little brother boogied down a bit too much with Joe Walsh and Uncle Stigwood convinced you that it would be cool to do a musical version of SGT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND.

"Barry, baby! Have I ever steered you boys wrong? This is going to be bigger than TOMMY and we've got Peter Frampton! Baby, this is going to be hot! Hot!"

Robert fucking bastard Stigwood and his silly little pig loggo'd RSO records.

But, in the summer of 1977 I had no idea that my mom and dad were headed for a rocky divorce, I would soon have a sweet little brother to watch out for, I would be losing my Grandmother, I would be discovering the odd/twisted/fun/horrible road of drugs -- No. I had no idea. I was just swinging to the music. To those swirling strings and the beat of those drums.

"...I was lost with no direction and my life was one big question. Now I know just where I'm going and I know just where I'm going cause I found you, love. I found a new love!"

The swing kept going higher. Just like you, Barry.

I mean. You know. Who can ever knock you? ...Jive Talkin', Stayin' Alive, Night Fever, More Than A Woman, Emotion, Too Much Heaven, Shadow Dancing, Love Is Thicker Than Water, I Just Wanna Be Your Everything, A Woman In Love, Guilty, Grease, Islands In The Stream, If I Can't Have You and How Deep Is Your Love. ...the list goes on and on. It was an era of sweet music which seemed to be dripping off the beautiful Pier One Import rubber tree leaves which were positioned on the furry carpet by the oval swirling white chair and the Pet Rock on the micro plastic yellow table with the way cool and functional picture cube.

I learned so much from you, Barry. And, no matter how bad you continue to look as you attempt to work that 1978 hair do as a thinning hair did or try to turn your disco into war protest songs for Barbra.

I will always love you.

Yes. Grease really IS the word. Your love will turn the key. Certainly, no one gets too much heaven anymore. You and I both know we've got nothing to be guilty about. And, you taught me that a woman in love will fight for that right to the end.

Barry, I swing with you. In a way, in a certain part of my brain it will always be the summer of 1978 and Samantha Sang will always be crooning on about crying a river that leads to your ocean. In the words of a broken heart --- it is just emotion that is taking me over as I remember those sweet moments of disco innocence which you created.

But, Barry --- where do YOU go when the record's over?

2006-07-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

COLOR ME A CURIOUS iPOD
...Peaches declares, amid the electronic funk of her new work, that she would rather fuck the one she wants than kill the one she's told. I rather like that.

Anyway, as I was lying on the examination table looking up at an annoying little happy face icon I thought of a couple of things:

1. My doctor would like to see me gain about 5 pounds or so but is unable to really articulate "why" and it is for this reason that I want to lose another 5. This need to sometimes do the opposite of what I am told is odd and a gift from my mother. ...who is even more odd.

2. I much prefer a Hello Kitty icon to a generic happy face icon.

and

3. I am so very curious to know if anyone else compulsively checks their iTunes to see which songs are listened to the most. You know the songs that you play the most. ...the ones that have the highest play counts since you've had iTunes or your iPod.

Here are my Top 10 Most Played Songs According to My iTunes (and we all know iTunes does not tell lies)

1. "Ride A White Horse" by Goldfrapp - - - - - ---------------- 196 times
2. "Evergreen" by Barbra Streisand --------------------------- 113 times
3. "Sleeps With Butterfiles" by Tori Amos ---------------------- 74 times
4. "Twist" by Goldfrapp ---------------------- -------------- 70 times
5. "Keep Love As Your Golden Rule" by HAL ------------------- 67 times
6. "The Power of Orange Knickers" by Tori Amos w/Damien Rice -- 62 times
7. "Sweet Blindness" by Laura Nyro --------------------------- 57 times
8. "Lost Inside of You" by Barbra & Kris Kristofferson ------------ 56 times
9. "A Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos --------------------------- 54 times
10. "Queen Bee" by Barbra ---------------------------------- 53 times

Now, share yours in my comments section!! I am most curious!

OH! My pal, Alan, -- you know, the cute one who is my roommate, wears way cool shoes and who Ing wishes to bake into a cake just put up his own website featuring his artwork! I am very excited and proud that he finally got this site up and running. I think he has a great eye!

CLICK HERE TO SEE ALAN'S ART!!!!

2006-07-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

AND, NOW, A FEW IMAGES OF SOME VERY COOL MOMENTS...
...and, some are the absolute coolest.

...so many cool things and so little room to post the images.

2006-07-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

OBSERVATIONS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD MUNI STOP...

I live in a nice area of San Francisco. It wasn't always nice. In fact, it had gotten fairly "bad" for a while in the early to mid-90's. However, it is nice now. Or, maybe the better way to phrase that is that it is well on the way to nice. Just last night I was pointing out to Ingrid and Mark that my hood reminds me of parts of NYC where you can walk for a block, find yourself in Hell but walk another block and be in a bit of Heaven. This is true of the street that intersects mine.

Anyway, sometimes I can hear gun shots. I usually just pull the other pillow closer to me. And, from time to time I will see some interesting things.

This morning at approx 11:45AM I stood at the M Train MUNI stop near my place waiting for the train to bring me to the gay bliss that is The Castro. Normally, we neighborhood folk give each other space at this stop. This morning seemed different. An elderly woman stood way too close to me. She smelled funny. A cute gay boy walked up and stood too close as well. He smelled of pot and CK1. A couple of girls walked up and stood behind the three of us. They smelled like strawberry shampoo.

Oh well. Whatever. Now, I was just listening to my iPod -- infact, I was Riding The White Horse with Goldfrapp when the cute gay boy tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hey, what do you think is going on?" the tiny voice asked me.

I turned off Goldfrapp and looked across the street. There was a cop (a really hot cop -- one who could easily transition into porn if he had the desire) who appeared to be pissing on this old run down house. But, upon closer inspection, he was actually leaning into the bricks of the house and whispering into his radio.

The Cop Whisper-er? Nawwwww. This was odd.

I told the cute boy that I thought it would be fine. However I was curious. I stepped out into the street walked toward the house to see if I could figure out what was going on.

"Honey, stay here! Don't be lookin' for trouble!" spoke the elderly woman who smelled like dairy product.

I ignored her. I was far too curious. I noticed that there was a cop car coming up the side street. This was interesting because the cop car was coming up a one way street in the wrong way. I looked up the main street and saw three cop cars speeding up about a block away. All three cars stopped at the same time without parking properly. No sirens. Four cops emerged from those cars. Their radios were slung on their shoulders and their pistols were in their hands. They looked really serious. I stopped and watched for a second.

Two "dudes" emerged from the house next to the dry cleaner place and ran up to the four cops. I could not hear what one of the cops said but both guys ran back to their house. I heard the hot cop's radio make an odd noise. He stepped away from the building and this other cop (who couldn't get in porn if he paid top dollar for the chance) met him at the corner. This must have been the cop who was driving up the wrong way on the one way street.

I got a kind of sinking feeling and headed back to the train stop.

We could see the M Train approaching. The cute gay boy asked me what was going on. I told him that I had no idea but that I was glad the train was arriving. The elderly woman commented that she wanted them to "fucking kill" the dope fiends in our neighborhood. Hmmmm...

We all rushed on to the train. There were a number of Hip Hop Thug type boys in clothes that were about 3 sizes too big for their bodies already on the train. As I sat down I heard "SHIIIIIIIIIITTTT!" screamed in unison by the Hip Hop Bois. We all looked out the window and the ugly non porn cop had pulled out what looked like some form of a machine gun and was perching it against his shoulder. The hot cop was leaning against the building with his pistol up and at the ready -- like Mel Gibson in some bad movie getting ready to bust a door down to save an aging Goldie Hawn hiding behind that fringe of blonde hair.

I looked forward and saw that one of the other cops had stepped out into the street and was signaling to our train driver and mouthing the words, "GO! NOW! GO!" ---- and that train pulled out quicker than I've ever felt a MUNI train move.

What was that all about? What happened? I guess I'll never know. The Hip Hop Bois rushed to the driver for scoop but he advised them, and all of us, to sit down.

I turned my iPod back on, closed my eyes and got back on the white horse. ...which, I think, was probably the best thing to do at that particular moment in time. You know, it is never really dull. There is always something to watch. In a few I shall be catching the N train to the beach to watch and listen to the waves rush back and forth. I hope no one got hurt.

2006-07-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

THE FROGS ARE DYING...

So, this morning I awoke with thoughts heavy on my mind. Byron and I have been having some very deep discussions. Byron sometimes gets me to thinking about things that I don't always enjoy thinking about. Or of? Anyway, this is not a bad thing, but it is not always fun. ...to be left alone with my thoughts at my disco desk.

This morning I decided to pick up the paper and read it as I drank my Diet Coke. I stopped after I read the first few paragraphs of the "Big" news story. You see, it appears that all of the frogs on the planet are dying.This somehow translates to mean that Earth is either going thru some sort of horrific change or that the end is fast approaching along with the final thud of Tom Cruise's career. I was bummed. Not so much about that sofa-jumping-freak-of-nature and his failing box office but the end of the world and the death of all the frogs.

It was just too much. I tossed the paper in the recycling bin and made my way to the office.

And, at work, there was a tension hidden behind the happy facade of gayness. And, for the first time in months, no Madonna music was played. None. It was more of a Nelly Furtado day, I guess.

The office received the latest copy of "The Economist" featuring the picture of Kim Jong II blasting off with the title "Rocket Man" ...At first this made me laugh. Then I thought about it and it frightened me. ...I couldn't decide what was more scary: North Korea's ambition to nuke everyone or the fact that The Economist magazine thought of such a funny cover.

Tonight, after a fantastic dinner at the best diner in San Francisco there was another discussion around difficult challenges and I felt a bit sad. At the same time I felt very much alive and "in the moment" ...In the moment. I am sometimes unsure of what that phrase really means. However, as of right now, I understand it.

I hope someone can save the frogs, our planet and that we can get that rocket man back down to earth before someone loses an eye.

Last night I saw a sneak preview of the new film, LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. It reminded me of how magical great films can be. When you think about it -- there are so few really great movies getting distributed anymore. This is a most welcome exception.
And, if anyone has ever doubted it -- Toni Collette totally rocks and is probably the best actress to come our way since Meryl Streep. This film is a MUST SEE!!! Do not miss it!

2006-07-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

CINEMATIC THOUGHTS FROM THE LONG WEEKEND, PIN-UP'S ON THE BEACH AND MY ING-PERCEPTIONS...

Well, this was the long weekend of movie going! B and I saw three of "big event" movies this long weekend -- and, here are my thoughts on them.

1. Robert Altman's PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION --- or, at least I think that is what it was called. At first I thought I kind of liked it but then all that country music and 'home spun' humor started taking a toll on my senses. I wanted to shred the curtains along the side walls of the cinema before it was all over. Oh, and was Virginia Madsen about to kill Meryl, Lilly, garrison and the rest of the cast at the close of the movie? ...I kind of hope so. Too bad Lindsey Lohan had already left the diner.

2. THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA -- It was a Meryl-la-la-polooza at the cineplex this weekend! So, this film could have been so much better than it is actually is. Why is it that American filmmakers are unable to commit to dark comedy? Meryl Streep was really awesome, tho. She makes this film worth seeing even if it does sell out and gets all confused when it comes to female liberation and fashion. Oh, and that girl from the BROKEBACK MTN and those lame Disney movies looks like the odd love child of Liza Minnelli and Donny Osmond. And by that I mean she looked better "frumpy" before Stanley Tucci makes her over in Prada. The whole film is a blatant fashion product placement. I figure Prada and CK must have put up half the budget.

3. SUPERMAN RETURNS --- I loved the fact that the actors playing Superman and Lois Lane kept speaking of their love which had spanned "years and years" and "long ago" --- and yet the actress playing Ms. Lane was born in 1983 and the actor playing Superman was born in 1979. Ugh! And what was up with the bad wig on Superman?!?!?! However, I have to say that this might be the first mainstream film I've seen in years that featured no product placements!!! That is kind of cool. However, this film is close to 3 hours long and I actually fell asleep on B's shoulder at some point. All I know is that Lois Lane was sitting arguing with the once talented Kevin Spacey and the next thing I knew she was near death being rescued by Superman. I guess I was out for about 20 minutes according to B and Alan. Hmmmm... Obviously, I was not impressed. Oh, and let's not even ponder why Parker Posey was in this film but I would like to know why they decided to dress her like one of the Pointer Sisters circa 1975.
What's up with that?!?!? Oh, and was it just me or did they Pixar the guy playing Superman for most of the film. He looked like a cartoon when he didn't look like a high school kid in a bad wig.

...and, on Thursday night Milford, Alan and Mr. B are seeing LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE as some special and free screening downtown!!! Yay!

B and I spent a bit of time on the beach this weekend. Look how incredibly hot he is!

Pin Up Shot!!! 5' 10" and 160lbs of pure hot sex appeal and sinsuality...

Horror Pin Up Shot From Hell!! ...5' 8" and 150lbs of pure goof and klutz on the verge of a nervous breakdown... But, my teeth are white!

me and B

our feet and the surf... Soft lips, warm hands, whispers, a perfect California OP breeze and beautiful water -- it was bliss. Sigh.

OK -- so I was explaining this to Ing on Saturday. You see I recently watched GREASE and noticed that during that infamous animated opening sequence where all the actors are made to look fairly horrible --- EXCEPT Olivia Newton-John -- that Ing reminds me of Sandy!!! I like to imagine that Ing wakes up in a pink bedroom, surrounded by frilly girl things and that cute little blue birds help cover her sexy night gown in an elegant robe and little sparrows tie ribbons in her pretty hair --- and, for a few minutes, she is transformed into total innocence.

However, I like to think that Ing stops for a moment. Looks in the mirror at her innocent beauty, pulls out a sling shot, kills the cartoon birds, rips off the tres elegant Cinderella gear and transforms herself into the Sandy who emerges at the very end of Grease. You know the one who knows the one she wants and who needs a man to satisfy her. You know -- in that tight fitted little black leather outfit with her hair in full glory. This is my perception of Ing -- all sexy but still vulnerable and sweet. However, she is more than ready to have that stud tell her all about it. ...but only on her own terms. I love Ing.

This is a picture of Ing with the lucky stud who is allowed to date her at the moment.
It is a bit blurry, but he is a hottie and a writer. Of course, Ing is a writer and hotter but most of you know that! And, please take note of Ing's hot antler baby doll t-shirt! What an awesome babe! Olivia Newton-John, eat y'r heart out!

Ing rules and rocks San Francisco! Rock on, Ms. Ing!!!

Oh! And, they have returned with a new collection of 80's songs gone to samba!!! Run, don't walk and pick this up!!! It is not to be missed! I mean --- they cover "Bela Lagosi's Dead" and "Heart of Glass"!!!! Not to be missed! I think this is even better than the first album!!!! Oh, and you will love their cover "Blue Monday"!!!!

Oh, and did you hear that Goldfrapp may be doing the new theme for the new James Bond film!?!?! Yay!!!!!

2006-06-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

BABS LIKE BUTTA TOPLESS!!!
...I only just forced "B" into watching Barbra in her first non-musical film from 1971 called THE OWL & THE PUSSYCAT -- this was before she became obsessed with lighting/angles/perfection and full control. You know, when she was still taking chances, being funny and acting. Anyway, this was a racy film for its day. One of the first mainstream films to feature the word "fuck" It now carries a PG rating because Sony Entertainment edited it down to secure an R for the folks over at Blockbusters.

Anyway, Babs filmed a nude scene which she later decided she didn't want included in the film. Interestingly, those who saw the "sneak previews" in NYC/LA back in 1971 saw Barbra's boobies in the third reel. However, when it was released a few weeks later Barbra required Columbia and Herb Ross to delete the scenes. So when you see the movie now you can see where the screen has been "fogged" and even clipped. Several years later HIGH SOCIETY magazine found the "discarded" footage and published it -- Babs and her lawyers tore them apart and store owners were required to rip the pages from the magazine and send back to High Society or face penalty. Oddly, most agreed. Now, they would have been on Ebay. Funny thing is that Streisand sued and stopped release of the pictures because a fake porno was being hawked at about the same time claiming to feature Babs in 'the early days" --- problem is that it is clearly a fake porno. Fingers are short, and the 3 girl is a tad over-weight and her hair is so 1975 vs. 1961 which is the year the silly pornographers. Babs had also just filmed a semi nude scene for A STAR IS BORN and opted to delete that one as well because she was concerned about her mother and her child's reactions. Just a nice Jewish girl.

Well, this cool guy from Italy who reads my blog sent me this multiple scanned photo from that "infamous" never seen scene! Not sure why, but I've always been curious.

...I don't really see why she wanted to prevented us from seeing her boobs. They look perfectly nice. Perky, pink and cute.
Anyway, I felt Barbra needed the exposure with her upcoming concert tour and all. So, I am sharing with you. I hope I don't get sued. Or, maybe it would be cool to be sued by Babs! I'd be so thrilled!

I feel all dirty and ashamed. ...but, then again, not really.

Kisses,
matty

2006-06-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

ANTLERS, WHITE HORSES AND SUCH...
Ok, so there is most definitely a fashion thing going on with antlers. I now own 5 shirts covered in antlers of one sort or another --- and frequently these antlers are attached to people. What is up with this? Of course I joke that this was inspired by Goldfrapp who incorporated this look in their vidclips as early as 2003 but they have yet "to break" to cause a fashion culture shift. So, what gives? ...and, why do I like it?
...I really like this shirt! This was the "look" I worked the other day and it seemed to inspire many of the "Cool -- where did you get that?" sort of questioning.
...and, this young man had antlers tat'd on to his back. Hmmmmm... I chased him down at PRIDE to capture this picture.

What is up with the antlers?!?!?

Fash Mag Slag -- do you know? Is this your doing?

Jungle Jane -- did you start this fad?

Ing -- did you get an antler shirt yet? hurry!!!!

Speaking of Goldfrapp --- I've written of the inspiration for their neat-O song, "Ride A White Horse" but this is an actual photograph of The White Horse and his original rider!!! This is a 1977 photo of "Lady Godiva" riding out on the white horse at Studio 54! Neat! This was taken by Allan Tannenbaum and was recently used as the cover for "Deep Disco Culture Volume One" --- a fantastic 2 CD set out of the UK which features some of the coolest classic disco tracks you will EVER hear!!! I highly recommend it!

Now take me dancing
At the Disco
Where you buy your
Winniebago
I wanna ride on a white horse
I want to ride on a white horse

When the light turns into darkness
Will he turn up to explain us?
I wanna ride on a white horse
I want to ride on a white horse

Lend me a whole new world
All night
Feel life
When is there ever sense
To love
This world

In the whirlpool
We'll go deeper
In this world that's
Getting cheaper

I wanna ride on a white horse
I want to ride on a white horse

I like dancing
At the disco
I want blisters
You're my leader
I wanna ride on a white horse
I want to ride on a white horse

Oh I love this feeling
Feels like forever
Oh I love this feeling
Feels like real
Leather

Goldfrapp, 2005

2006-06-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

FULLY FORMED SF PRIDE 2006

Sometimes pictures speak louder than words. Especially when I am tired and can't think of much to write. Here are some pix I captured after that pink triangle was fully formed on Twin Peaks...

Isn't he cute?!?!!?

Chi Chi LaRue Gay Porn Stars A Plenty!
...cute girl started her own undies bizness!!! support her!!! she was so sweet and cute!
go go gay bois @ american boy!
pretty hot go go dyke in the gay hip hop section of the fair!
...who are these two????
...and The Ark was there!!!! Yay!!!!
...it looks like your basic plush pussy toy -- but go closer and look inside!!!
...this is way neater than inside Jeanie's bottle!!! well, maybe not -- but still pretty damn cool and oddly cute!
...this little lady was not only making sure that gay SF kept it clean, but recycled as well!!!